• Bondage games -- what's the point?

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    I've read some articles and threads about getting started on light bondage, but one area that these don't often cover is the nature of the turn-on from the point-of-view of a sub. I'm curious to hear from those who enjoy this sort of play about the appeal that it holds for them.

    My wife is ambivalent -- she doesn't entirely hate the idea of being blindfolded, tied-up etc, and she's been prepared to give it a try, but she struggles to "get" why it should be a thrill for her. Having said that, she enjoys it when, say, I spontaneously hold her down tightly for rough sex. I think she's looking for some sort of rational justification for submitting to it in advance. It's a bit of a mood-killer for me to try to answer this on the hoof when I'm holding a blindfold and straps expectantly -- hence my request here!

    It probably doesn't help that I'm inexperienced at this sort of play, so my wife probably hasn't been getting the right set of kicks on the few times that we've tried it. I'm a quick learner, though, and I think my motivation is right -- I get turned on by the thought of my wife temporarily granting me the control to do imaginative, unexpected and, most of all, enjoyable things to her (with the protection of a "safe word", of course).

    So... how would you sell the experience to my wife?

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    naughtyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    I have for a long time wanted to try light bondage, the idea of being blindfolded and tied then teased and pleasured sounds very exciting to me. Not knowing what will be done and just letting go to the sensations is a thrilling prospect.

    Maybe ask the wife to try having a blindfold and letting you tease and pleasure her , having a safe word is vital. Just give her a slow introduction

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Rational justification? Erh? erhm? Cannot really give one. I am actually switch, although more sub. It is just turn on for me when the guy is holding me down (I actually prefer that than being cuffed, because my OH is strong) and eg. spanks me.

    The thing is.... It is not a turn on for everyone. I know people who just dont like this idea and dont want to try it. It is their choice and nothing wrong with either likeing or not likeing it. Also every one has a different limit. I like to be held down or cuffed, but I dont find eg. the bondage with ropes (I mean the heavy bondage) arousing for me at all. I like to be spanked, but I do have a limit above which I would not go, because it would be too painful for me, etc. Dont think this can be explained logically. Really.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm totally sub. And whilst I can't give you all of the reasons (it's just a thrill - you know?) I can hopefully give a few hints!

    1) I'm totally indecisive - make a decision for me and I'll thrive on it (whatever the consequences) but if I make a decision myself and it goes wrong I deal really badly with it! I really enjoy people taking control of making decisions for me so I guess part of it for me is letting someone make all of the decisions! (however some subs are in control of *everything* in "normal" life so there are other reasons on that one - I guess I'm what you'd call a "lifestyle" sub, but we don't actually practise that way of life as WandA doesn't want to be a lifestyle dom)

    2) I associate control with being looked after. This doesn't cross my mind during sex - but my dad is a complete control freak and he makes all the decisions based on what we eat, do etc. BUT he enjoys making people he cares about happy so he'll control someone's decisions but with their best interests at heart (he loves picking a dish for someone at a restaurant that they then love!). WandA is the same - I can allow him to take complete control because he will make a decision based on what is best for me and what I will enjoy. He's completely selfless and will control me in a way I enjoy.

    3) It's nice to just relax, you know? It's one of the ultimate ways to unwind and switch your brain off - if you're in a high stress lifestyle due to work etc. then submission is a great way to unwind!

    4) It's so intimate - giving someone that control and trusting them so completely is a wonderful way to feel about your relationship :) I feel completely loved and secure after a sub/dom session! (though it's worth researching proper "come down" management as it can leave a sub quite fragile after also and the appropriate cuddles are required!).

    Ultimately, different people get different things from it - and there's so much that I couldn't put into words but I hope some of this helps a little :)

    Happy exploring! The exploration bit is fun - we're still learning on the sub/dom road despite first getting involved years ago - we've taken it really slowly but the benefit is, it gets better each time and we feel like we're still growing with each other which is nice!

    Adx

    1304623583
    glitter&gold [sign in to see picture]
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    How would I sell it to your wife?

    1, Blinfold - For me its about sensory deprivation. When you can't see what the other person is doing/going to do, it heightens your other senses like touch & hearing making everything more.......sensual.

    2, Being tied up - This one is slightly more difficult to explain for me. I like it. Its about trusting the other person enough to give control over to them & know that they won't hurt you (more than you've asked them to if thats your thing) or go further than your own personal boundaries.

    Being tied up can be something as simple as silk scarves or as intricate as Japanese Rope Bondage. Its all about personal tastes. I think that if you want the actual scene to be spontaneous, then you will need to talk about it more with your mrs, explain how you see it going, agree safewords etc. I know that sounds like its defeating the object of spontanaeity (sp?) but if this is a new thing for her then having it sprung on her with no warning can be frightening.

    I'm sorry if that wasn't any help - I find it hard to put into words x

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    glitter&gold [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    2) I associate control with being looked after.

    3) It's nice to just relax, you know? It's one of the ultimate ways to unwind and switch your brain off - if you're in a high stress lifestyle due to work etc. then submission is a great way to unwind!

    4) It's so intimate - giving someone that control and trusting them so completely is a wonderful way to feel about your relationship :) I feel completely loved and secure after a sub/dom session! (though it's worth researching proper "come down" management as it can leave a sub quite fragile after also and the appropriate cuddles are required!).

    Adx

    To all of the above. Especially the aftercare/cuddles!!

    (My name is G&G & I'm a cuddleslut!!)

    1304624141
    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks to naughtyrider and Laveila for those first two replies -- I'll look at the others in a minute!

    I wasn't realistically expecting to hear a logical justification! That was a tongue-in-cheek comment about my suspicion that my wife is looking for an "excuse" to submit to it. Clearly, it doesn't work like that.

    In my imagination, the sub enjoys the experience because they're embarking on a mystery tour with a person whom they trust to find creative and surprising new ways of bringing them pleasure, and to push their boundaries a little in a kind, imaginative and loving way. Am I on the right track here?

    In reality, I'm hoping to play some sensory games with a blindfold (and props), and some gentle tie-up activities using the soft straps with Velcro (we have a Tracey Cox Beginners' Bondage Set). I don't have any hankering for heavy bondage (ropes, pulleys etc) -- and I'm fairly sure that my wife doesn't either!

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I am a more sub, but I am in control of my life outside the bedroom. I am very strong individual, I always knew what I wanted and I can take making decisions for others and even was told I am natural leader, so for me its a way of letting go in private life. With someone I trust, but I can be rather dominant as well and just cuff my partner and tease him (he loves when I do). I know what he likes and what not and I would not push anywhere where he does not want to go and he does not either. If there is a strick boundary, you have to respect it.

    Cuddly Hubby wrote:

    I wasn't realistically expecting to hear a logical justification! That was a tongue-in-cheek comment about my suspicion that my wife is looking for an "excuse" to submit to it. Clearly, it doesn't work like that.

    It is possible, that your wife is not that much submissive and may not enjoy it. And does not want to give you complete control. It may not appeal to her. I know people like that - it is even possible to panic when you first try something like this. Or even feel ashamed! I could not face myself for a rather long time after I reliased I liked spanking. Its in the end her decision if she is willing to try or not. And you will have to respect it.

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    I'm totally sub. And whilst I can't give you all of the reasons (it's just a thrill - you know?) I can hopefully give a few hints!

    [details snipped for brevity]

    Thanks very much, Alicia! Those are very helpful hints -- duly noted for my future reference!

    glitter&gold wrote:

    How would I sell it to your wife?

    [details snipped for brevity]

    Once again, many thanks! I really appreciate those suggestions.

    glitter&gold wrote:

    To all of the above. Especially the aftercare/cuddles!!

    (My name is G&G & I'm a cuddleslut!!)

    As my user name suggests, I'm good at cuddles!

    Laveila wrote:

    It is possible, that your wife is not that much submissive and may not enjoy it. And does not want to give you complete control. It may not appeal to her. I know people like that - it is even possible to panic when you first try something like this. Or even feel ashamed! I could not face myself for a rather long time after I reliased I liked spanking. Its in the end her decision if she is willing to try or not. And you will have to respect it.

    Thanks, Laveila! I completely accept your point. I can assure you that I'll be very careful to read the situation -- and I'll make sure that we agree a "safe word" in advance and observe it in any scenario. I think there are signs that my wife enjoys yielding control as long as she retains ultimate control (as per the "safe word") but I understand that this may not turn out to be true. Frankly, I think both of us won't know for sure until we try. Ultimately, my burning desire is to do pleasurable things for my wife, so I won't want to push things if they're not working out.

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    I enjoy being submissive because I find it a great way to help me fantasise. While I do sometimes fantasise during vanilla sex, I find it's easiest during bondage play just because it's something different. I don't know what it is, but I get a kick out of being somewhat helpless. Most of my fantasies run along the theme of 'evil _______ has kidnapped me and taken me back to his _________ where he plans to have his wicked way with me', and I guess I find it a thrill that someone could use me in such a dirty way.

    I dont think you need a rational justification for why you should like something, as not everything you like will make sense. The wonderful thing about sex is you can experiment, try new things and figure out what works best for you

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    I also agree about having a safe word being a good idea for two reasons:

    1. You have a way of putting an immediate halt to the play if the need arises which cannot be misinterpreted.

    2. When me and the OH do this type of play, although it's generally clear from the tone of voice when we say no and mean it and when we're just being kinky, it does mean you can involve the word 'no' in a bondage type scenario and be reasonably safe in the knowledge they don't mean it truly - that's what the safe word is for. It frees up the word 'no' for kinky roleplay.

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    niftyb [sign in to see picture]
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    Ooh ooh!! I LOVE a bit of light bondage! :D
    The thrill of the sensory deprivation, the trust elements that glitter&gold speaks about in being tied up, the intimacy that Alicia talks about with the aftercare elements. As long as the mood is set and both of you are in the zone for it, then go for it!!

    Basically, I have nothing new to add to this thread, I just wanted to stick my head in and yell "YEAH!!! What everyone else said!!!" :D

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    naughtyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    Hope you and your wife have fun exploring.....it would be great to hear how you get on

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    it's really hard to put down in words why I find it such a turn on to be submissive, it's an instinctive thing.

    Partly for me it's cause im inexperienced and i like the other person to take the lead. As others have mentioned it's nice to have someone else thinking about consequences of actions so you don't have to. I'm confident and can make descisions in every aspect of my life, even to deciding when to have sex. Having someone else think of the mechanics and show you what they want means you can have a clear mind and just focus on the enjoyment,

    I think it is also the power play aspect for me, as well as trust. Trust is something that is very powerful, I do not give it easily and when i do i tend to like showing the person i trust them.

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    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
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    @ Ecksvie: Many thanks for your replies. That seems like good advice, and great food for thought. I particularly like the sound of the fantasy that you mention!

    @ niftyb: Thanks! It's always good to hear people agree about these things!

    @ naughtyrider: Cheers! I'll report back in due course. I'm going to take a slow and steady approach, though, so it may take some time.

    @ sweetlove666: Thanks! I'm hoping that I can sell to my wife the benefits of just focussing on the enjoyment.

    1304691339
    naughtyrider [sign in to see picture]
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    Cuddly Hubby wrote:

    @ naughtyrider: Cheers! I'll report back in due course. I'm going to take a slow and steady approach, though, so it may take some time.

    great!! slow and steady is the way to go....report back at your leisure mate

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