• past frustrated

    1303571072
    pastfrustrated [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 4 Sep 2010

    Hi all,

    I've got to the point of not knowing where to turn, so I thought I'd try the forum out..

    History is: married couple, 1 kid. I'm not particuarly handsome, a couple of stone overweight and not well endowed, she is gorgeous, size 8 and would be many mens wet dream. We have been together since our teens, and have only ever slept with each other. The sex has never been particuarly exciting or regular. I don't think either of us particuarly enjoy it.

    I have "tried" everything the magazines say about improving our sex life (or even having one!) to no effect.

    I bought my OH a jessica rabbit several months ago, and it has not even been out of the box.

    We have talked about the lack of sex and the unoriginality, but nothing changes. In fact I get told the more I try to talk about it, the less I'll get.

    I have got to the point of having given up, which is a potentially dangerous place to be. Has anyone been in this position, or have some secret pearls of wisdom to share.

    1303571594
    Kinkywings [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 32
    • Joined: 21 Apr 2011

    Hi there,

    First of all, let me send you a big hug!

    It is little wonder you are frustrated esp when you have done everything that most people would advise and are still getting nowhere.

    It sounds to me, if im being honest, that there is a deeper issue here. ( on her part) Did you notice at all when this started? Did it start after something happened or? Does she show you any other kind of affection out of the bedroom?

    1303572401
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1072
    • Joined: 26 Mar 2010

    I think KW makes a good point. It does seem like your sex life has been suffering.. but how are things- affection wise?

    Do you still give eachother hugs and kisses? If not, it's a slow but a great starting point. Also, I'd like to ask if there are any underlying issues in your relationship? Or perhaps, with yourself?

    I think magazines can although occasionaly give great general advice it does not do so well in focusing on individual issues. A lot of it is generalised crap.

    Communication is key in any relationship also. Perhaps a heart to heart may help in bringing you both closer. Once you've established that there are some "problems" like the lack of sex I think it would be great if you could start exploring and experimenting. For some people a lot of experimentation is needed to reach the goal of "great sex".

    Also, Instead of talking about the issue "lack of sex" how about going down the route of the suggestion in having a nice romantic night in. Treat eachother to a night of massages and cuddles in front of a romantic movie in bed etc. You may just need to tap into the spark that first attracted you to eachother. Try not to beat yourself up- Your partner has chosen you for a reason and you have a child together. =]

    Let us know how you get on. There are some great Lovehoney products that are excellent for novice toy user and are couple friendly like- http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=15585

    Good luck!

    1303573063
    Cuddly Hubby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 27 Jan 2009

    I'd just like to add my support for what Kinkywings and x X x have said. I'm not sure that I can add any other sparks of insight, except to say that it sounds as if you're being considerably harsh in your assessment of yourself. After all, you've stayed together for this long and have had a child with your wife, so there must be quite a lot about you that appeals to her.

    1303576610
    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 351
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Hey there welcome to the forums!

    Yep. I've felt just like you before. Feel like your trying really hard but other half doesn't seem to give a monkeys. Feeling like if you didn't try you'd rarely , if ever , have sex.

    Kids usually have a big impact on your sex life. My wife's libido is nothing to what it used to be but I totally appreciate how knackering being a mum and having a job is. With good communication we're getting there though.

    Have you talked about your sex drives? Perhaps if she felt that she didn't have to be involved all the time she'd be more relaxed. We had a lengthy chat about this and it almost felt like a confession to tell her that I think about sex every day and would gladly have sex daily. 2-3 times a week is enough for her.

    Does she really think sex is uninteresting? Is that you putting words into her mouth?

    Is she ok mentally? Is she low in mood or always tired? These things make a big impact.

    Do you get any time out together? I've been amazed how many friends I've spoken to have gone very long periods of time after childbirth ( like > 1-2 yrs ) without ever having time alone.

    If you're gonna talk about it keep it all person and avoid assumptions or blame. If you say ' The thing is I'm really horny all the time. you turn me on and I'd like to do something sexual with you more often ' then wait. I think thats fair enough question. If she says ' well its tough luck ' say something like ' I feel quite hurt by that. I find you very beautiful and want you. Do you want me? '.

    I've learned that if I keep statements about me and ask open non assuming questions we can work through tough stuff. There is a danger after a while in relationship to think that you know what the OH is feeling and so jump the gun a bit.

    I hope this isn't patronising. I think that you can make it work but I feel that you need to stop trying so hard and start communicating. If she doesn't want to bother anymore then be upset but help her understand why not.

    Good luck and keep feeding back then we can give you more tips. There are loads on here and use the search threads, you'll see your not the only one who is having or has had issues like this.

    1303590855
    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 577
    • Joined: 13 Jul 2010

    My question to you, is how happy is she about your sex life?

    My wife and I have different sex drives, and until recently I've been very frustrated just like you. We've had a few chats about things, and in the end we have both made more effort towards each other. She's been trying to want / have sex more often ,and I've been trying to be as affectionate as I can for her.

    It's made a huge difference to our relationship, we are both much happier than we were. I still want sex more than her, but I know she's trying, and this makes me far more patient with her.

    1303920311
    pastfrustrated [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 4 Sep 2010

    Hi again,

    Thanks for the responses and to answer some of the questions -

    Kinkywinks - whilst she does show affection outside the bedroom, it is has been a long hard slog to get to that point - I was worried that I wouldn't be able to kiss her on our wedding day because she is so shy! She has always been had a lower sex drive - but more so since we lived together (so 6 years).

    xXx - underlying issues - not as far as I know! I try to be as affectionate as I can - even though I know it doesn't lead anywhere!

    Big Poppa - Honestly - lucky you, I would kill for 2-3 times a week and would be happy. We would be lucky to have sex more than 1/month at the moment probably longer. my OH acknowledges that, but it just isn't something she "wants" very often. Its nice to know you know other people who gone without for 2 yrs after their child was born.

    On the romantic stuff - I probably shouldn't say it, but I gave up on alot of that - flowers, gifts, I cook from scratch every night, do an equal share of the child care and housework. I offer her massages and we watch films.

    It might not be something I should openly admit on here, but I can understand how some of my friends and many other people "feel driven into someones arms" - I've not got there, but very nearly a couple of times.

    1303921255
    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 577
    • Joined: 13 Jul 2010

    its a crap situation, I've been there. Is she aware of how much its affecting you? I found I was hiding my emotions, and trying not to pressure, but it didn't work for me. The same as you, I'd also hold back from the romantic stuff as I felt bitter.

    I'm told one of the biggest causes of lack of female sex drive is the pill. We've not gone down the route of changing that yet, but its still a possibility. Is your OH on the pill?

    1303921491
    pastfrustrated [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 3
    • Joined: 4 Sep 2010

    Has been, but not any more..

    1303921714
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 7 Feb 2011

    I have been in a similar situation and asked the lovely folks here on LH

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/330962-left-out/

    maybe a few good idea's in there ?

    Ultimately, maybe she just has no sex drive and struggle's to accept that you do ?

    1303922186
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1072
    • Joined: 26 Mar 2010

    This sounds a bit more difficult.. Perhaps investing in some solo toys of your own will fulfil your frustration from one point of view? Something like- http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=20020 It's a top toy for the guys and isn't bad value.

    Also.. perhaps buying something more subtle for your partner may invoke her sexual passion- even if it starts off solo. I'd suggest http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=9670 It's great value and works wonders. If she prefer clitoral stimulation as most women do then it'll be ideal. A rabbit may be a little "woah" for new toy users.

    I still think trying to communicate more and somehow coming to a resolution together- like date night every fortnight leading to some sexual play may be a good starting point. A little compromise doesn't hurt for both sides. Until then, if both of you try and explore the use of toys together or solo, it may help in the long run.

    I agree with YEC- some people just have lower sex drives than others. It could be due to a range of reasons like stress, hormone levels etc or just that it's their norm. Talking about it.. and coming to a compromise may be the best way to go about it.

    Good luck!

    1303925426
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 623
    • Joined: 26 Sep 2010

    x X x wrote:

    This sounds a bit more difficult.. Perhaps investing in some solo toys of your own will fulfil your frustration from one point of view? Something like- http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=20020 It's a top toy for the guys and isn't bad value.

    Also.. perhaps buying something more subtle for your partner may invoke her sexual passion- even if it starts off solo. I'd suggest http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=9670 It's great value and works wonders. If she prefer clitoral stimulation as most women do then it'll be ideal. A rabbit may be a little "woah" for new toy users.

    I still think trying to communicate more and somehow coming to a resolution together- like date night every fortnight leading to some sexual play may be a good starting point. A little compromise doesn't hurt for both sides. Until then, if both of you try and explore the use of toys together or solo, it may help in the long run.

    I agree with YEC- some people just have lower sex drives than others. It could be due to a range of reasons like stress, hormone levels etc or just that it's their norm. Talking about it.. and coming to a compromise may be the best way to go about it.

    Good luck!

    TBH I would be really hesitant with this, if she has a low sex drive it could feel like you were pressuring her and that could have the opposite result to what you want. If she is willing to try a toy could you not browse the site together or you look first and create a wishlist of non-scarey toys so she can just look at those?

    The communication is so important if you need to talk to each other honestly.

    Oh and date night sounds like a lovely idea, if you do that could you arrange a babysitter so all she has to worry about is getting herself ready?

    xGGx

    1303928896
    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    Past frustrated - sorry I think I gave you the wrong idea. 2-3 times a week WOULD be enough for my wife. Like you I'd be delighted with that. The reality is more like 1-2 times a mnth tops.

    Date night is a brilliant idea and one I've nicked off other friends. It doesn't have to end in sex but the intimacy is so nice after barely being able to talk to each other with kids fighting for our attention etc.

    We tried Monogamy the board game. It's funny, non threatening and not tacky looking or feeling. There are nice gentle rounds of saucy chat and touching at the start. Worth a luck. May light a flame. We still have treats to do from last game but it's nice to have that expectation of each other that you fill fulfill them.

    We've been more sexually active and experimental since playing

    1303934877
    sharry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
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    • Joined: 18 Jan 2011

    BigPoppa wrote:

    We tried Monogamy the board game. It's funny, non threatening and not tacky looking or feeling. There are nice gentle rounds of saucy chat and touching at the start. Worth a luck. May light a flame. We still have treats to do from last game but it's nice to have that expectation of each other that you fill fulfill them.

    We've been more sexually active and experimental since playing

    We tried Monogamy as well and it's good fun. Can't say it was a particularly raunchy night but we did have a laugh and that helped us relax. There are levels of eroticness (is this a word?) so you can taylor it to the level you want to play until you feel more comfortable with some of the more exotic cards. Might be worth a go.

    1303981024
    Satchmo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 27 Nov 2010

    pastfrustrated wrote:

    On the romantic stuff - I probably shouldn't say it, but I gave up on alot of that - flowers, gifts, I cook from scratch every night, do an equal share of the child care and housework. I offer her massages and we watch films.

    It might not be something I should openly admit on here, but I can understand how some of my friends and many other people "feel driven into someones arms" - I've not got there, but very nearly a couple of times.

    Mate you have my sympathy, but can I suggest that you re-read your posts? You've used the words "I've given up" which as you say is a dangerous place to be.

    As others have said, communication is important but if your OH senses that you've given up, she may be thinking the same. You say that you cook and do your share, but if you've given up on your OH is it any wonder that she doesn't want you?

    Sex is not the be all and end all. Sure it's fun and enjoyable but in practice the deeper love and affection is what keeps a marriage together. If you neglect the latter then the point that your partner has gone off sex is hardly surprising, bearing in mind that she has a low sexual appetite anyway.

    Work at it, surprise her. Do the things that you used to do when you first met. Be spontaneous and keep at it. Just don't give up on it all.

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