• Lack of sex getting me down!

    1303336952
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    I suffer with endometriosis, which makes sex quite painful for me

    Its really getting me and my OH down as at the moment we're down to at most twice a month!

    Although I masturbate fairly often which my OH thinks will help, its not making much of a difference.

    Should I take the next step and get my first toy? Do you think this may help the problem? When I asked my gyno, he said there was nothing I could do to ease the pain during sex and i'd just have to put up with it!

    Any advice I can get will be greatly appreciated! I'm 18 and have a virtually none existent sex life!

    1303337470
    Pixieking [sign in to see picture]
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    As the first poster I suppose I should welcome you to the forum. It's full of lovely, lovely people that are full of fantastic knowledge and advice.

    When is it exactly you experience pain? Is it through any genital contact or do you only experience pain with penetration? Knowing where and how you experience the pain would be helpful. =)

    1303337654
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey ClareB and welcome to the forums!

    I feel your pain! Suffering with painful sex since I lost my virginity aged 16, I was told I had endometriosis amongst other issues a few years ago.

    I went through a phase where sex was entirely impossible and still have to work to have sex that is bareable.

    Can you describe your pain for me? If it's similar to the pain I have then I can pass on the things I've learnt :) Mine is a tightness about a third of the way in and a burning, raw sensation when the skin is touched. Sometmies I get a deep, bruised feeling around the cervix.

    Have a search on the forums too - search for "endometriosis" and "vulvodynia" - there are a few of us who deal with painful sex for varying reasons so there are some good tips about.

    It's so important to maintain good communication and reassurance between you and your partner and learn that sex doesn't always have to be penetrative! I've had penetrative sex about 4 times since the beginning of this year but I have a healthy and frequent sex life having sex daily most of the time ;) It's all about learning how much fun a good blowjob or mutual oral can be! Experiment with non-penetrative sex and use fingers and small toys for penetration if you need to.

    As for toys - I'd suggest getting something teeny that you can insert and use regularly to build up to having penetrative sex.

    The pain probably isn't going to go away but you *can* learn to manage it and make sex possible! And ask to see another gynae please! The one you're seeing sounds unhelpful at best!!

    Ask me anything you like :)

    All the best,

    Adxx

    1303339880
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    The pains like a dull ache most of the time in my lower abdomen thats there 24/7 that just gets worse at the hint of anything pleasureable!

    Penetration gives a burning sensation similar to what you have described Alicia.

    My partner and I do still have alot of fun, in other ways so thats not an issue at all but before I suffered with it, I always got my biggest thrills through penetrative sex, so i'd love to have it more often.

    Thanks so much for the advice, its such a relief to finally be getting help! I recently joined my local endometriosis support group which is helping me cope with the condition much better but

    1303339963
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not comfortable enough to talk about sex with them yet! Sorry about the seperate posts!

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    When I said vulvodynia I meant vaginismus http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/174633-vaginismus-any-experiences/

    This looks like a good toy to try if you're petite down there http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=16271 it's a teeny 2.25 inch circumferance and very smooth.

    I love my Evolved Bottle Rocket but Lh don't sell them any more :(

    And I have been known to use this when I'm especially sore: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=8586

    Adx

    1303340639
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    ClareB92 wrote:

    The pains like a dull ache most of the time in my lower abdomen thats there 24/7 that just gets worse at the hint of anything pleasureable!

    Penetration gives a burning sensation similar to what you have described Alicia.

    My partner and I do still have alot of fun, in other ways so thats not an issue at all but before I suffered with it, I always got my biggest thrills through penetrative sex, so i'd love to have it more often.

    Thanks so much for the advice, its such a relief to finally be getting help! I recently joined my local endometriosis support group which is helping me cope with the condition much better but

    I know how you feel! I don't enjoy orgasming because it can give me terrible cramps!

    Have you ever tried kegal exercises? Sounds counter intuitive but it can help the muscles relax. I can't have sex at all if I don't do my kegals regular!

    It's worth asking the doc about trying some anaesthetic cream - I found it made me sting a little bit but it might help you :) worth a go!

    If he feels too big - I find using tight condoms (I'm on the pill though so don't have to worry about the condom splitting) can smooth him out and make it easier.

    Take things *really* slow and once he's in see if just laying still for a few moments makes it easier to continue.

    Make yourself really comfortable and completely relax - if you're worrying or frustrated you'll make it worse!

    I do know how you feel - I love a good fuck! But sometimes I have to compromise and getting my head into enjoying "other" stuff means I don't feel to bad about it and I can really enjoy the penetration when I *can* do it!

    Making sure you're really, really in the mood and have lots of adrenaline rushing round will help too.

    And lube, lube, lube! But none of that tingle stuff!

    Adx

    1303340741
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks, this all looks very useful and I cant wait to get stuck into reading and buying!

    Do you think that using things like this more frequently might build up my tolerance levels?

    Im a complete novice but im looking forward to trying anything that might help! I've got a book full of positions in my drawer that i'm dying to try but haven't had the chance to yet!

    Clare

    1303341260
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    I havent tried any exercises but maybe thats something for me to look into.

    We do use condoms although i am on the pill too and i do find it helps. Lube has been the greatest addition to the bedroom, its help us so much but you understand that it doesnt take the pain away!

    I do find it hard to relax sometimes, so I know that doesnt help, i'm terrible.

    Did you find that having the condition made you more insecure at first?

    Clare

    1303341674
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    ClareB92 wrote:

    Thanks, this all looks very useful and I cant wait to get stuck into reading and buying!

    Do you think that using things like this more frequently might build up my tolerance levels?

    Im a complete novice but im looking forward to trying anything that might help! I've got a book full of positions in my drawer that i'm dying to try but haven't had the chance to yet!

    Clare

    It certainly does for me! The more I have sex the more I can have sex - but it's also important to remember that if you're finding it distressingly difficult the opposite can happen as your body automatically tenses in preparation for the pain which makes it worse. It's a fine balance but you have to just take things slowly and figure out what works for you. Experiment with different positions (missionary is least painful for me as anything else can pull against the entrance and tear the skin but I have incredibly sensitive skin caused by something else. You might find using dilators helps which you can get from the doctors or buy online. It'd be worth asking to see a sex therapist too - they can give you tips on how to manage the pain physically and mentally :)

    Adx

    1303342096
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    ClareB92 wrote:

    I havent tried any exercises but maybe thats something for me to look into.

    We do use condoms although i am on the pill too and i do find it helps. Lube has been the greatest addition to the bedroom, its help us so much but you understand that it doesnt take the pain away!

    I do find it hard to relax sometimes, so I know that doesnt help, i'm terrible.

    Did you find that having the condition made you more insecure at first?

    Clare

    Insecurity - absolutely. You feel like less of a woman at first because you can't easily do what you're "supposed" to do and of course you worry about what your OH will think, what other people might think, feel abnormal. But you soon learn that that's a silly way to feel! Learning more about how your *own* body works will boost your confidence, learning all your own tricks to dealing with it and having a supportive OH will help loads! Talk to him and let him know that you're feeling insecure and explain how he could help. He'll feel like you trust him and that he can actually do something to help and you'll realise how silly you were to worry!

    If you worry that it's not normal to feel pain during sex - don't! Part of me coming to terms with my pain waas talking about it to my friends, on here, anyone who I felt I could trust. And I've learnt that a hell of a lot of women go through painful penetration at some point in their life! Sure many don't have it permanently but that just means we get a chance to learn how to deal with it and it not to become completely devastating :)

    Talking about it here will help you loads too :) it has for me! Being open really helps me - and if I get to help others just being diagnosed with vaginismus or endometriosis then that's great too :) as I said, there are a few of us with varying degrees of pain and with varying degrees of experience so we can all offer each other help and advice!

    Adx

    Edit to say: kegals will help with relaxation - tense as hard as you can and hold for ten seconds, then release and relax for ten seconds and repeat ten times. All the time breath deeply and slowly and lay back and just count. Do it twice a day and just before sex and it should help you relax your muscles and the rest of yourself :) I'll find you a link on kegals in a moment!

    1303342323
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    I find me being on top is much easier for me. My OH is a big fella so that can be uncomfortable for my legs in missionary.

    I do just need to relax abit more but sometimes its easier said than done. I might look into the sex therapist as i would like to find out more about pain management, nobody has discussed that with me yet! Apparantly im just supposed to cope with it!

    I feel much happier now than I did 2 hours ago, thank you for being so helpful.

    Clare

    1303344003
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really glad I can help! When I was first suffering I had nothing or noone really to work through it with - the OH couldn't really understand and some of my doctors were dismissive. But I've learnt a lot very quickly and if I can pass some of that one and help someone else get to the positive stage I'm at now then that makes me happy!

    A doctor telling you just to cope is not a good doctor. You should ask to see someone else :)

    These things do take time and it's such a learning curve - especially when you're young and endometriosis doesn't tend to happen in young people, there's so little advice out there and women's healthcare is quite limited as I found - I gave up with my medical support eventually and am only now considering going back since having a separate diagnosis which could be a big part of the pain I suffer with - I feel the doctors will be better able to help me with the combined cause of endo and the condition I was fairly recently diagnosed with.

    But if I'd known what I know now I'd have stuck with the doctors and been firmer when they tried to fob me off!

    Adx

    1303344674
    Satoshi [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Clare, your problems sound very much like the ones my partner has been struggling with all her adult life.

    Endometriosis is estrogen dependent and many things can make it worse (or better) - the pill being one of them since it alters your hormones. Did you have this much pain before you were on the pill? Some women actually see a reduction in pain while on the pill but with others it can make it a lot worse - my partners troubles got much worse while she was on birth control, but it was Depo-Provera in her case.

    Balancing out your hormones should help you a lot, the best way being with a combination of the herbs Dong Quai and Agnus castus (also called Vitex or Chasteberry). Taken in combination they work well at combating hormonal imbalances that can cause a lot of the pain associated with endometriosis.

    Taking in gamma-linolenic acid should help with any dryness, i recommend Starflower as being best source of GLA rather than Evening Primrose Oil. Gamma-linolenic acid also has the added benefit of helping with breast pain and tenderness sometimes experienced during periods as my other half can happily confirm.

    Just remember though, i am not a doctor. I am just someone who has researched similar issues and there has been a lot of trial and error involved along the way, you should always do you own research before committing to anything.

    Oh and welcome to the forums

    1303376688
    sharry [sign in to see picture]
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    If you enjoy penetrative sex would anal be something you could have a try at? There are some 'training' toys LH sell that could help work you up to your OH but use loads of lube. There are loads of sensitive nerve endings in this area so it can be pleasurable for some.

    Do a search on here as well as there's lots of advice on anal sex.

    I'd see another gyno as well, the one you have doesn't seem particularly helpful.

    All the best and I hope you find something to help.

    1303376899
    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Clare,

    my wife suffers with Endo too, though usually only around her period. The doctor suggested she take the pill continuously, and not have periods, and that seems to keep things at bay for her, not sure if that would help you though.

    Good luck with it!

    TC

    1303378544
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I dont agree that endometriosis does not tend to happen to young people. Actually it does. More than to older people. I think that puberty and just after that is where we are at the greatest risk. I even heard it can be caused by infection, like apendix, if they are not treated well and fast. I started to have extremely painful menstruation when I was having infected apendix (the doctors left it there for 4 years as it was hard to diagnost and they did not do 1 test!). My luck is its only very painful menstruation, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but I am always joking I will not have problems giving birth, because I doubt the pain can be any worse (can be so strong that I can barely walk, I can feel nausaus after just sipping water. I always feel so bad and I do believe it will complicate my situation at future work, because it just makes me useless and I do feel useless at that time. I havent been diagnosed with endometrioses, because I dont want the laparoscopy done for few reasons. Luckly I dont suffer pain during sex. But I know how hard it is to suffer from a condition which many would never understand fully, unless they go through it as well.

    As for painful sex, I am very tight when it comes to down there and occassionally we do have problems with penatration, more in the first half of the month, when I am suffering from lack of natural wetness (I am not on pill as I had serious health problems caused by it when I was). What helps for me is to make myself relax by something slimmer inserted and my partner playing with me that way. Makes me more relaxed and penatration more managable. Also getting me close to orgasm helps a lot, as I am very aroused. Sometimes if I have orgasm before penetrative sex I am very relaxed. Only problem may be if you are too sensitive after an orgasm to actually be touched there, but in my case it only applies to the clitoris.

    1303381195
    SexyBumBully [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, alot of advice on here :)

    For me, none of the treatments ive tried so far have helped with the pain. I've tried both types of pill and a six month course of zoladex which did help slightly but unfortunately its effects were only temporary. Due to the zoladex, i've not had a period since July and i'm quite worried about having one again as i always suffered with period pain so im not sure what kind of effect this will have on the pain. The gyno has decided that the pain isnt caused by my endo now and is convinced i have a problem with my bowels. The stupid thing is though, hes only seen me once and all he did was read over my notes so god knows how he came to that conclusion without asking me any questions about my body or the pain.

    The OH is always suggesting anal but im very apprehensive after a very bad experience with a previous partner. I've been reading up on it on here to try and calm my nerves so we'll just have to wait and see how I feel about that.

    We do what we can to try and help me relax enough for penetration but sometimes its not enough, which is one of the reasons why ive come to the forums, to see if i can find any advice on relaxation techniques that might benefit me. Lets hope so!

    Thanks for the advice

    ClareB

    1303381728
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    If you are unsure about anal, why not try some beads? That way you can increase the size very gradually, from very small to larger.

    1303390230
    sharry [sign in to see picture]
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    If you're going to try anal at some point I'd really suggest looking on some of the helpful threads on here, they'll give you good advice as to how to start and what with. DON'T be pressured into doing it as you need to be as relaxed as possible and the rare times I've had the experience I've had to be very turned on.

    All the best.

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