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    1298994749
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    More of a moan/cry for help than anything else.

    Been dating the OH for the last 4 years or so, she originally was as up for sex as I was, however lately she's gone completely frigid. We are both in our early 20's so obviously sex should be a big part of it, not once every 3/4 months :|

    I've tried normal things, going out for meals, trying to make romantic mood, bought her new toys, spoken to her and she simply say's she's not in the mood etc

    Any idea's on how to relight the fire that used to be there, I miss the days of going home and having it off !

    Or should I just relegate myself to the fact that I'm going to be (In my opinion) sex starved ?

    1298995972
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you talked to her why she does not have the mood for it? How long she is not in mood for sex? Does she take any medicine? Those can mess sex appettite greatly. Funny thing is so can hormonal contraception pills - seriously, several of my friends had that problem, when they stopped using it they started to want sex again. or is she lately under stress? First thing to do is talk to her about potential problems and then see what can be done.

    Have to admit I am guilty for last month as well. Too stress at uni, couple health problems... Think my lover feels a little neglected (although he has been very patient and understanding).

    1298996083
    Genie [sign in to see picture]
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    Firslty, talk to her and find out if there is a reason she is never in the mood for sex. It seems like everything you do for her is with the intention of having sex afterwards which could be putting her off, maybe back off a little? If she's on a new contraceptive then it could be the reason too.

    If she insists nothing is wrong then carefully tell her how you feel, and try to find a solution to it together. Honestly you should be trying to figure out what's wrong (if anything) rather then ensuring you get your happy ending.

    1298997183
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    Laveila - Its only been in the last year and a half or so that her sex drive has dissapeared, she's not started taking medicines and she's not on any conception pills, she has a fairly relaxed life, I work, she stays at home, visits her family, looks after the dog.

    Initially thinking it must have been something I did/or was doing that was putting her off so I backed off completely, a further 2 or so months went by and I questioned her and she said she hadn't been in the mood. I dropped it, a few nights later all systems go but it felt like she was forcing herself. Again I backed off, questioning every few weeks or so if she was ok, she'd sometimes use a toy during the day and tell me later, but it never went to anything further, and this was only in the beginning of last year (january/february)

    I've tried to be as relaxed and mention it as little as possible not to push her, but surely after a year where I could count the amount of times on 1 hand its become very disheartening for me.

    Genie - She says there is no reason, simply she's not in the mood...A very unhelpful answer i'm sure you will agree.

    1298997410
    Kristieuk [sign in to see picture]
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    some people just dont have a high sex drive, it can be hard i suppose if you do and she doesnt...

    1298997476
    Genie [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds very similar to something I went through, I used toys but didn't want to have sex with my OH (was due so medical issues regarding sex). You need to confront her (carefully) and just tell her how you feel. I'm the fact that she is using toys instead of having sex with you hurts so mention it. The last thing you want though is her to 'force' herself, it will only make things worse.

    1298997570
    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
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    YoungEssexCouple wrote:

    she'd sometimes use a toy during the day and tell me later

    Masturbation is good and healthy, but if its being used in place of a sex life with your partner, then something is wrong.

    Can you find if there are any things she would like to do to change the ways you have been having sex?

    1298997699
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    Genie wrote:

    Sounds very similar to something I went through, I used toys but didn't want to have sex with my OH (was due so medical issues regarding sex). You need to confront her (carefully) and just tell her how you feel. I'm the fact that she is using toys instead of having sex with you hurts so mention it. The last thing you want though is her to 'force' herself, it will only make things worse.

    It isn't she is using it instead of, she's used to but about this time last year even that stopped.

    Will have to have a chat with her this tonight/this week but I know it'll just be "nothings wrong"

    1298998188
    Genie [sign in to see picture]
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    If she is persistant with the 'nothing's wrong' approach maybe ask her family and friends if they've noticed anything different or she has confided in them? (It may seem like some sort of betrayal to her though). Also, is this the only problem you're having in your relationship, or are there others? The lack of sex could maybe be due to another problem betwen the two of you?

    Hope you figure it out soon :) x

    1298998292
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Genie. We've not had any problems at all, we never argue, both get on great and live amazing lives together in every other aspect.

    Will have to try and collar her mum some time soon then. Thanks for the advice

    1298998712
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say you still have to confront her, but be careful. There usually is a reason for changed sex appetite.

    I would personally feel trapped if I was home all the time. I actually enjoy working, I am finding that when I am home for more than 1 week I start to go crazy. Could be part of the problem? What can be seen by some like a relaxing life may not be as relaxing as you think. If she is unhappy, it can also cause a problem

    1298998991
    boobaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya

    you say that she doesnt work and she stays home and looks after the dog, could she be lonely and depressed? I find that to much time on my own while my oh is at work can send me that way, in fact when we had our daughter many many years ago it did for a while. She might seem normal on the outside but maybe this lack of sex drive is a symptom of this that she cant hide from you. Sometimes you can have all of the things you may want and everything that you need but if you are feeling down its still not enough to make you happy.

    I think that you need to sit and have a talk, see if you can find out what is causing this, is she happy with things the way that they are? Another thing to do is to take a trip to the GP or maybe even to Relate to see if they can help you both with this.

    1298999349
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    She's only been at home since december and that was by choice. It could play a part however she's always got friends visiting or going to visit her parents, I don't think she's lonely or depressed but you are right it could play a part. Thanks boobaloo, certainly something to think about.

    1299013325
    Rugbyman [sign in to see picture]
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    i was suggest just talking it through as everyone else has said. When my wife went though a similar thing we took to writing a letter to each other as it stopped the other one getting offended and gave us time to think as we wrote. Worked really well and all back on track, she just was a bit low overall and it affected her sex drive but seeing how i felt meant she was able to overcome this.

    1299016111
    muchkin [sign in to see picture]
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    I can relate to what you are going through, my poor husband a few years ago had to go through this with me. At that time, like rugbyman said, we starting writing letters to each other, it is much easier to put your thoughts and feelings into writing, they just seem to flow better.

    Things are better for us now, we still have slip ups but we just talk about them and they do seem to get resolved.

    Maybe writing letters to her will help both of you understand the problems at hand?

    1299105919
    Rugbyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like things are going well now for you muchkin - same with us it really made a differance and made communication a lot easier.

    1299592652
    YoungEssexCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    Little update

    Many thanks to everyone's advice. I wrote a letter saying how I was feeling etc to which she replied she had been having thoughts that she was embarrised to tell me about etc. A few letters went back and forth and it came out that she wanted to watch porn, and each time I was coming on to her she kept wanting to say it, felt embarrised, went shy which then put her off.

    Here is a very clear example of how a simple lack of communication can cause havok in a relationship. Many many thanks to everyone :) All has returned to normal in a very short amount of time :D

    1299601217
    paradise found [sign in to see picture]
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    YoungEssexCouple wrote:

    Little update

    Many thanks to everyone's advice. I wrote a letter saying how I was feeling etc to which she replied she had been having thoughts that she was embarrised to tell me about etc. A few letters went back and forth and it came out that she wanted to watch porn, and each time I was coming on to her she kept wanting to say it, felt embarrised, went shy which then put her off.

    Here is a very clear example of how a simple lack of communication can cause havok in a relationship. Many many thanks to everyone :) All has returned to normal in a very short amount of time :D

    I'm so pleased for you. Such a simple way to resolve the situation too

    1299614223
    Dirty Red Angel [sign in to see picture]
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    YoungEssexCouple wrote:

    Little update

    Many thanks to everyone's advice. I wrote a letter saying how I was feeling etc to which she replied she had been having thoughts that she was embarrised to tell me about etc. A few letters went back and forth and it came out that she wanted to watch porn, and each time I was coming on to her she kept wanting to say it, felt embarrised, went shy which then put her off.

    Here is a very clear example of how a simple lack of communication can cause havok in a relationship. Many many thanks to everyone :) All has returned to normal in a very short amount of time :D

    Cool

    1299615650
    Oliber [sign in to see picture]
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    I hope you've told her she's most mens dream!

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