• Found Lost Libido, Now What Do I Do?!

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    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Not sure if this one's been said before, had a look and couldn't find anything so here goes....

    Ok, so I'm not the most highly sexed person when it comes to sex drives, maybe when I'm first in relationships like the majority of us, but then it all settles down after a few months/a year. I know this is normal in most relationships but for me I have to say it's become pretty almost non-existent, especially during my long spell on the pill (towards the last few years of my 7 year stretch), and got slighly worse (as in Zilch/Zero/Nada!) when myself personally felt as though I was experiencing a rough patch with my OH, although we were actually fine (it was me, and partly my ever ongoing gynaecological/urological problems as a major contributor fact which is in the process of being sorted once and for all, finally and at last!)

    Anyway, I have now come off the pill for personal reasons and also medical reasons and I do not wish after thorough research to use any other hormonal contraception methods as they do not agree with me, my body and my lifestyle, so me and the OH have resorted to using condoms,(great I know and we are still trying to find ones we actually like and find comfortable but still pleasurable! Durex love have been the best so far for us).

    And now to the point.....

    After all this effort and alot of thanks to my OH for putting up with me through such difficult issues, I find my libido finally somewhat returning, after giving up the pill, it's coming back considerably (although still not in full swing) and sorting out a few of my gynae problems, I can now begin to hopefully relax and start to enjoy things again.

    The only thing is, this has gone on far too long that I feel I have lost touch both with my OH in an inimate and closeness sense and in our sex life and don't know where to begin, again...! I almost feel embarrassed to get close as I feel I don't know anymore what to do, but I should know. He has said the same to me at times in the past. We do get on very well and do have fun together in the sense that he knows how to make me laugh and be happy (although happiness for me personally is lacking of late which I think is due to the vitsl part our un-intimacy/sex life issue). I feel that we are compatible and definately once were at least. The only thing is we don't have all the time in the world as although we live together, he works away during the week. You'd think that this would make things easier to do but it hasn't for me.

    I am also paranoid that just relying on condoms which seem like a long term situation/solution (if you can call it that!) for us now until we decide to start a family, will ruin our chances of having real fun because of having to be so careful not to get too close or carried away/not too rough incase they break and all the other awkwardness'/inconveniences that comes with condoms ect, ect.... (me and the OH have spoken about this and are both more than happy to do this long term, but I feel guilty and selfish expecting that of him but he understands the medical burden it has had on me and just wants me to be ok. Deep down I feel we both know that it probably won't work and we will get caugh out a few times, which panics me at the very thought of it)

    We have been together nearly 4 years and have tried starting afresh/new things/ideas/coming out of our comfort zones/romantic meals/ ect but to no avial much on my part. He is very sentimental and likes romantic things, I on the other hand do not so much (More like I don't readily admit to liking them so) We are the sort of couple that would consider trying most things once, but are not into anything like swinging/threesomes ect...

    Sometimes I do worry that it is just me and that I need to move on, but that's not what I want as I would never find anyone else like him who loves me for me and treats me so well and has all the qualities that I'v ever wanted in a potential partner, and we have been through so much together. To leave and find somebody else with the exact same just wouldn't make sense.

    Any suggestions at all, greatly appreciated!

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh blimey - poor old you!

    To be honest I've had very little experience with condoms - I either had girlfriends who were on the pill or later in life I had the Snip. sometimes, ashamed as I am to admit it, contraception or even the avoidance of disease was taken rather ... carelessly ...

    I would see if there are any other forms of contraception that may agree with you more than the pill so avoid condom bursting paranoia!! There are others on this Forum much better at that kind of thing than I am.

    I think you're putting yourself under too much pressure to get back to 'normal' (with all the caveats about no such things a s normal !!)

    After giving birth my soon to be ex wife took a while to get back to wanting intimacy.

    So all I can tell you is what worked for us.

    First off - talk to him tell him how you REALLY feel. See if there are ways you can both tackle this.

    Second - massages.

    At worst these relax - so there's no down side! And if when you're both relaxed you take things further that's good. But neither of you should be under pressure either from yourself or the OH to do so.
    Enjoy the feeling of being taken care of, relaxed.

    When you're ready (in a confidence sense) you can move on to kissing, licking and so on.

    When you're really relaxed, oral is good, or a hand job - (Must admit LOOOOVE those! - especially when the two are combined) The way that each of you can concentrate on the other with no "performance anxiety". So you can both relax into an orgasm. Watching a woman have an orgasm is one of the biggest turn ons for me. Massively so!!! I guess women like watching men orgasm too? And for the same reasons - "We" did that. That is his / her reaction to me! It's truly wonderful.

    Finally, one day you WILL want to make love ... well my soon to be ex did!

    Third - but this may take a bit more nerve. A sex game.

    When were were desperatley trying to keep the marriage going, we used Nookie (I think) It's quite tame - so nothing outrageous, but again it helped us build communication and we tried a few new things as a result of this game.

    Hope that gives some food for thought!

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    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you so much sam66, you have definately helped and I will definately speak to him and suggest these things you have mentioned. It's such a shame about your marriage, you seem very a lovely caring guy. I think she will be gutted when she realises what you both gave up. I believe that everybody has a soulmate, and you may have more than one if the chance passes you by, there is always one out there waiting for you at that twist of fate/chance moment and that you are never too old to find love again.

    rb

    x x

    1297967306
    Yoko [sign in to see picture]
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    I can empathise with you Ronnie-Baby having been in precisely the same situation as you. Because of health problems my libido tanked for some years but lately I've been a bit better and since the new year, my libido has come back. We've been together for nearly 15 years and it was still difficult for me to know how to get our sex life back on track.

    I'm much better with the "show" than with the "tell" aspect of relationship-communication, so the whole talking-about-it thing was a bit difficult for me. Initially I started with initiating sex or creating situations where it was the natural outcome (for instance I'd plan to be in the shower as he walked in from work.... there's only one possible outcome to that situation )

    My husband did wonder what the hell had gotten into me but he got over it pretty quickly. As time goes on I'm finding it easier to talk to him about it and we have injected a bit of that "new relationship" excitement back into our love life. Its also brought us closer as a couple too.

    Have you considered adding sex toys to the mix? If nothing that you've tried helps you to "feel it" might that be something which could help? I dont know if you're already doing that though.

    And yes, condoms are a pain but I don't think they get in the way as much as you suggest. There are other options though; what about a coil or a diaphragm? Are they any good for you?

    In the early days of your relationship when things were still fresh, what was it that made you feel that spark? If you could identify that, might you be able to recreate it?

    He sound like a very special man; someone you'd want in your life forever. If you could remember what it was that attracted you to him in the first place you might find yourself enjoying your love life again.

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    sharry [sign in to see picture]
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    Ronnie Baby

    When I was reading what you've written I had tears in my eyes. My OH and I are going throught the exact same thing. Nearly everythng you've said could apply to me/us, although we don't have the contaception worry. It's very difficult to find that 'spark' again and even acknowledging that there's a problem is hard. As I say we are working through things and are trying a lot of the things you are, dinners, date nights, trying to make each other laugh and so on. We've been together since we were 14 so thats going on 27 years and were still good friends and I love him dearly.

    Sam66 has some very good ideas on things you can do, but the thing I feel is the most important is to tell your OH how you feel making sure he knows how important he is to you.

    Perhaps the fact that he works away is part of the problem. I have friends that had a similar situation and they found that because they spent a lot of time apart that they became self relient and when their partner came back it felt as though they were intruding. I think that it's important to be reminded what you mean to one another and if he's away it's almost like starting anew each time you get together, maybe he feels a bit liek a stranger. Is there any way you could spend more time together? If not could you set up some sort of web cam thing, not for anything sex realted (although I suppose you could if you wanted to) but just so that a couple of times over the week you could see each other and just chat, keep your friendship going so to speak.

    You need intimacy, and I dont necessarily mean sex. We found cuddling each other, stroking and little kisses helped. It sometimes turns into something more and sometimes it doesn't, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you are close to one another. We've bought a few toys from LH and although we've had some less than sucessful results with some, we had fun trying. We ended up giggling so much that if we tried to get a bit serious we started giggling again! It doesn't matter we still enjoyed one anothers company.

    Practical head on now. Have you asked about your doctor about the cap? Statistically its about the same or maybe better than a condom. You can wear it for several days so it's not going to 'ruin the mood' fitting it. and it's easy to use. I cant remember the exact length of time it can or should be worn but your doc will be able to explain it. Not sure how your other medical issues would work with this but it's something to look into.

    I don't know if it would work for you but I bought some erotic fiction to try and get me in the mood, and that's helped a little. If you don't feel too silly doing it try reading it to one another in bed.

    It sounds like you have a very strong and loving relationship and that's mpr ethan half the battle. Along with the fact that you're both trying to reignite your sex life says a lot about ho wmuch you care about one another. Take it slowly and as you feel better and your health improves I'm sure all will turn out well.

    Best of luck to you both.

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    sharry [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry for the typos! I hope you get what I'm meaning.

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    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you Sharry and Yoko, I am very independant anyway and have always liked my own space so him being around more I think would frustrate me a little. He has suggested using my toys together but for me these are part of my own sex life when he is away and I would prefer to use them just by myself, but I am prepared to give it a go and see if it works. Wouldn't consider the diaphram or coil, my nan had the coil and it became imbedded in her womb after perforating it, so that has put me off. I would like something as reliable as the pill, and have read things about the pop pill not causing what the ordinary pill gave me, so I suppose that's worth a look in. He is very special to me, more so than I ever show it. I cannot remeber what first made me feel that spark, it seems we may have been two different people back then, even though none of us have changed, and if anyone it is me who has changed! I don't see him how I used to and that worries me.

    rb

    x x

    1297968233
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    Just to add to this, I find it hard to be intimate in a cuddly/kissing sort of way. I'm not generally a person who shows affection very easily and am not affectionate too much. That's not the sort of person I am, think it springs from my childhood, never having exactly maternal parents or sharing an affectionate relationship with them, a bit like tough love I suppose. So I tend to shy away from it, it's not just that I'm scared, it's just not me! I can be vry cold sometimes and sometimes even careless, and other times I try everything to not be that person.

    rb

    x x

    1297974667
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    that's ok sharry I know what you mean. Thanks.

    rb

    x x

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    Yoko [sign in to see picture]
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    RB, I am also very independent and self-reliant. There are times when I find it difficult to be a "partner" because that implies that we make life decisions together, we plan the future together. And there have been times when I've thought I should live alone because I am a loner.

    But we love each other; we make each other laugh, we support each other through the crap that life throws at you and more than that I have huge respect for him as a person. He's ethical and kind and he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

    OK, I can see where you're coming from with using your toys for you. What about buying something designed for couples, like a vibrating cock ring? And you only use it when you're together. WOuld that work for you?

    And you may have changed since you got together, but that's normal. We all change as we go through life. I dont see my OH the way I used to when we were first together nearly 15 years ago.

    So if you cannot remember what made you feel that spark when you first met, were there things you did together back then which made you happy? Is there a way you could do some of those things again?

    One of the things I've found is just starting with the simple stuff like, asking him how his day was and really listening and responding to him. Getting involved in the conversation. Remember what it was like in the early days? You could talk for ages about nothing. Well its a bit like that. Just chatting about everything and nothing.

    Its wierd; after a long time together you almost dont hear the other person any more. When I set myself to one side for a moment and just listen, talk to him about every day stuff it changes how we interact and makes us closer.

    Anyway, I hope that helps you in some way.

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    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with you Yoko,that is so similar to our relationship. sometimes I don't 'hear' him when we communicate, sometimes I don't want to and other times I do. The thing is things we used to do together that once made me happy, don't anymore. I would much rather be alone at times. I know it sounds awful and that's why I'm worried about us.

    rb

    x x

    1297978571
    Yoko [sign in to see picture]
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    ronnie-baby wrote:

    I would much rather be alone at times. I know it sounds awful and that's why I'm worried about us.

    rb

    x x

    Its hard for me to know what to say exactly because forum communications are limited in their scope. In general I would say that its not necessarily awful of you to want to be alone. I frequently have periods where I want to be left alone; sometimes I want to walk away and disappear and not see another living soul ever again.

    But with me, I know its not a reflection on him or on our relationship. Its simply about whats going on in my own head. I don't want to live my life seperate from him, but I do want my own space and I want time alone to think or read or listen to music. I am by nature a loner; have been since I was a tiny wee girl and nothing will ever change that.

    You've already said how much he means to you and how you don't want to lose him. I think that's the important thing. Just because you want time alone, it doesn't detract from how you feel about him.

    The one thing which we love to do (when I'm able) is woodland walks. Just us and the dog. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we walk in silence, but its a nice silence. Might something simple like that be something you could do together?

    The other thing is if this wanting to be alone is new for you, is there another reason for it? Sometimes its a symptom of depression, which in itself can be a symptom of other underlying problems (hormonal imbalance for instance). I just wanted to mention it as a possibility.

    Y xxx

    1297978763
    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    RB, You have my utter most empathy chick! You really do.

    I have read your entire post and have tried to read as much of the other posts as possible ;)

    I don't know if this will help, And I'm unsure if a male pov is welcome or not?

    I know my/our situation is different to yours in some ways, I hope maybe the similarities may help, Even if just to show you are soooo not alone! :)...

    First of all, It sounds like you both love each other very dearly, Even if it doesn't appear so to yourselves! He seems to me like a caring and considerate person, As do you.

    I know it's kinda different, But we ( Me and Lady-J ) had the issue where J had pretty much NO sex drive at all, Whereas I suffer from Hypersexuality due to my Bi-Polar Disorder... this led to some pretty rough times following a huge nasty break up before getting back together and then..., Huge arguments, Distance, No communication or tactileness, And culminating in me joining up here back in August last year, Desperate to find an answer/solution.

    It's VERY hard to Love someone with all your heart, But feel no intimacy with what so ever ( in my case I felt very rejected, Angry, Worthless etc etc... ) And that can go either way with any which one of you having a low or high sex drive.

    Lady-J grew up with a profound lack of tactile love, And was very much pushed aside as her older deaf brother got all the attention. ( still does ) This has carried through to adult life and started having an effect on me and our 7 year old son.

    So, I joined up on here in a pretty bad state of mind. I was masterbating constantly, Watching porn way too much. And getting more and more distant from Lady-J. It was horrible.

    Anyway, I for whatever mental reason around christmas time I think.... Left the laptop open on this community hoping J would find it, But very unsure what her reaction would be ...

    We had a bit of a row which ended in me forcing the laptop in front of her face and making her read some posts in my intro thread.

    She soon realised that the OA wasn't some seedy perv stomping ground....

    It took a little while but I introduced her to some of my lovely friends I had already made on here and slowely slowely she became a part of the OA.

    If you get to know us now and take note of our posts etc, You would never think we were near to breaking point only 5 months ago. Now we're making tons of progress, With us kinda meeting eachother half way - I backed off a LOT ( took some balls of steel I tell you! ) And J has been making more effort and talking a lot with the girls on here. Being a lingerie/toy tester is something I NEVER would have imagined her doing, But she DOES! and that alone has helped her heaps!

    As for the independance thing....

    I remember being wityh an ex years ago who I was pretty close to, But eventually we broke apart in quite a heart wrenching way, Because she just wouldnt let me in, Not even a bit. I felt very shut out and un-included in anything. We just drifted apart more and more.

    I understand there are people who need independance to feel strong emotionally etc, Jeez my Sister in law who I love dearly is exactly like this. But IMO there has to be a middle ground, With clearly stated bounderies. So both parties get a degree of their needs met, But at the same time, Learn how to compramize. Dont forget I have REad as much as I could in this thread so forgive me if I have anything slightly scewed!

    As for the toys....

    Little idea.

    How about you try what we have....

    Lady-J has HER toys for her time etc, I have MY toys for me alone or with her whatever... And we have OUR toys which are a mixture of things we can use together or on eachother or in front of eachother etc etc.

    But Im having a huge hunch you both need to re-connect.

    Arrange some time just for you two.

    The list of ideas is endless....

    Massage

    Love letters

    Naughty letters

    Post-its

    sexy texts

    coudles ( movie night )

    I could go on all night.

    The thing we did was we had a silent agreement, That if something happened, COOL, If it didnt that time, No worries!

    SLOWLY SLOWLY CATCHY MONKEY.......

    1297978823
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    I am very much a loner like you Yoko, I always have been. The walks you have sound nice, maybe we could try that minus the dog! lol

    x x

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    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh I missed out communication, open mindedness, understanding and respect on both sides. Theyve probably already been mentioned anyway! ;)

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    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you so much seduced, it's nice to hear that you managed to get things back on track. I am really pleased for you both. Something I feel is irretrievable from my point of view right now. It seems I've let it go too far and it's done too much damage now. Although my OH may disagree.

    x x

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    Seduced [sign in to see picture]
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    No worries.

    The soul fact that you are on here, And concerned, Speaks volumes!

    It would be worse if you were just going to walk away without putting up a stand!

    Does your OH know you are a member here and what this place is about?

    Does he know you are feeling this way?

    It doesn't work for everyone, But maybe if he even had a little look on here it may help??? You know him better than we do!

    And I'm glad What I said made sense ;)

    Please believe me when I say J was the most Stupborn, Vanilla and uptight girl you could meet ( sorry J babes :( xxx ) But shes made a complete turn around!

    Paul ;) xx

    1297981843
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    yes he knows I'm a member here, and he bought me some stuff off my wishlist for xmas so I don't know if he just used the guest check out as when I asked him about his membership he couldn't remember and said he would prob never use the site unless he bought me stuff anyway. But he knows about the forums and that I post on here. He doesn't know I feel this way although I'm sure he has a good idea, but he probably thinks from his point of view that we are ok, and we are, it's just me really. He

    1297981844
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    yes he knows I'm a member here, and he bought me some stuff off my wishlist for xmas so I don't know if he just used the guest check out as when I asked him about his membership he couldn't remember and said he would prob never use the site unless he bought me stuff anyway. But he knows about the forums and that I post on here. He doesn't know I feel this way although I'm sure he has a good idea, but he probably thinks from his point of view that we are ok, and we are, it's just me really. He knows

    1297981845
    ronnie-baby [sign in to see picture]
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    yes he knows I'm a member here, and he bought me some stuff off my wishlist for xmas so I don't know if he just used the guest check out as when I asked him about his membership he couldn't remember and said he would prob never use the site unless he bought me stuff anyway. But he knows about the forums and that I post on here. He doesn't know I feel this way although I'm sure he has a good idea, but he probably thinks from his point of view that we are ok, and we are, it's just me really. He knows I

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