• Open relationships/jelousy/cheating problem

    1298872200
    Wilkibo [sign in to see picture]
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    No I don't think u r being irrational! However, I feel that I must point out that u seem to blaming the ex and not ur girlfriend! Ur girlfriend seems to want the best of both worlds which is both selfish and unfair to u. I personally would have no problem with her remaining friends with her ex but she should meet him at home to discuss things rather than going for a drink with him. May I ask why u don't go out at least occasionally to meet her friends? I think I would insist that she returns the engagement ring to him so he understands that there is no chance of them getting back together. I hope u don't mind me being so frank.

    1298895311
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    First of all, thanks for the response, It was a rather large post.

    I have spoken to my partner about her friendship with her ex, and have told her flatly that I don’t mind them being friends. They had been together for a long time and a lot of things had passed between them...so who am I to say “you can talk to him anymore”. All I’ve asked her to do is simply put him straight on where she stands with him (flirty huggy kissy text’s and facebook messages aren’t ok), and told her that she has to accept the fact that he still has major feeling toward her.

    We spoke about this last night...perhaps spoke is too weak a term, we argued, all night. My girlfriend has said that she will “just cut him out of her life” and let her Mum deal with him and he flat. I DONT want this. The last thing I want if for him to become some martyr to their relationship, and it be my fault. As I said before, I just want her to put him straight, but its almost like talking to him would be too much effort so just pretending he didn’t exist is the way to go....

    I do and have been out to meet her friends, the opportunity to do so is a scarce to be honest so it rarely happens. In the six months we have lived here, I have been invited out twice for nights out with her and her friends. She, has been out more that this...and my invitation seems to go amiss when her other half comes to town, “It would be awkward” is the quote that shits on me from a great height on these occasions.

    I did raise the topic of the ring last night, and had to explain why I felt its such a big “there’s still a chance” item in his eyes. The matter still remains open, so only time will tell if it is dealt with.

    Your totally right regarding the way I blame him over her. It’s just easier to hate him, but I am beginning to realise that she herself bears some responsibility in the matter.

    Your advice is gratefully received. Don’t shy from being brutal, the honestly is a welcome change.

    1298901803
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think you're being irrational. You sound very mature and open minded. There are some links you would expect but her behaviour does seem a bit over the top.

    I hope all goes well and when I have access to a better keyboard I may reply more indepth. Good luck!

    1298903829
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the response, I look forward to hearing more from you.

    1298933228
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think you're being irrational Grubb. You sound well measured and well thought out.

    I have a few points and I can't seem to get a coherant order so I'll just list them.

    1) You seem somewhat lonely - maybe lonely isn't the right word. But like you have few people around you who care about you and you them. I assume you have some friends but I guess not the kind of friends who you've shared everything with. At least that's the indication you seem to give. Are you still settling in where you are now? I think she's potentially being a little insensitive to this. I mean she doesn't have to invite you to *everything* but giving you chance to mix with her friends would be nice of her.

    2) Saying "it'd be awkward" then seeming to "choose" seeing him over you is certainly insensitive. If she thinks it'd be that awkward to go together then why go?

    3) She has spent a lot of her life (and a formative period at that) with this man. There is bound to be a lot of history. It needs to be dealt with sensitively but I think you realise that already. There is always going to be a connection and the shared property doesn't help.

    I can't really offer any advice as I think you're doing everything you can. You're being reasonable. She just needs to understand your side of the story. I think her family are being insensitive too :(

    I hope this gets sorted for you!

    Adx

    1298934943
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Alicia, thanks for responding.

    Through the course of my life Ive moved many many times, and to be honest Ive never had a problem making friends...keeping them however is another matter. I guess due to the fact that Ive always been in transit, Ive never really put that much effort into friendship. So when I first met my other half, I have to be honest, i never thought I would progress to anything seriouse. But now that we are together, I cant imagine my life without her. Shes my best friend and the love of my life (im making myself feel a tad ill here to be honest lol).

    As for her and her ex, its just an issue that will have to play out. As you say, there really isnt anything else I can do. Its just one of lifes little joys.

    As for her family, dont get me wrong they are a great lot. They have always made me welcome, and have never said anything hostile. The comments made where simply done so in jest; an attempt to lighten the mood I assume. Anyway, they ARE a nice family.

    Anyway, this is day two of the argument. My other half has said sorry for being insensitive, and has told me she will try to resolve the issue with her ex. But...I cant seem to get the fight out of my system. I dont know whey, but I feel I still have something to fight about.

    Thanks,

    Grubb

    1298967736
    dirty bitch [sign in to see picture]
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    although sex isnt the basis of a relationship, it is important to be at least compatable otherwise resentment creeps in. you could be wasting years with the wrong person, i did that and now am out of it and am in an open relationship with a guy who treats me like a princess and we are so sexually compatable it is unreal, we both know we dont want anything more as we have both been in long term relationships. Your situation can only lower your self esteem as you will feel bad about yourself and unattractive, get some sexy underwear if not for him just to make you feel good about yourself, dont wait around too long, also dont bring children into a relationship that obviously is rocky because they wont help the situation, just open a wound even further.

    1298977489
    scratch n sniff [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi grubb,

    Do you think the problem is , for the first year you were the "other man for sexual relief". and if she could do this to her fiance, could / will she do it to you.

    Trust is important for me in a relationship ( 25 year anniversary ) next month.

    Hope things work out for you Grubb and you don't mind me adding my 2 penny worth.

    s n s.

    1298978722
    Wilkibo [sign in to see picture]
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    Grubb wrote:

    “It would be awkward” is the quote that shits on me from a great height on these occasions.

    But he should realise that u & she are a couple now and he has to deal with that. It may be awkward to begin with but there are a lot of awkward (and indeed painful) aspects to life and this awkwardness will fade in time (unless u and he have unresolved issues).

    1299369459
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    Scratch, do you mean that Im worried about this happening, or that this is her actual nature? Sorry, but I like things to be clear.

    Your right, trust is a massive issue with us at the moment. I never has been, but as of late, I find it hard to get to grips with my own mind and its thoughts. I dont think anything is going on, It just worries me as to why she is so determined to keep me on tenterhooks, "What the hell is going on".

    Im sure that he is fully aware of the damage he is doing. But the question on my mind (and the one she wont answer, is "why are you doing this, do I meen that little to you?" I think, if im honest that Im taking my anger at her out on him. She is spared the brunt of my annoyance on the basis that I find it hard to get annoyed with her.

    1299385176
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    Its over now, never mind

    1299402850
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    What is over? you broke up with your girlfriend?

    1299407114
    CullensNaughtyLamb [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh no are you ok? X

    1299416265
    Grubb [sign in to see picture]
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    Last night I just lost the plot. I couldnt get her to talk about anything...I just snapped. Nothing violent you understand, but It just go heated very fast (all me I must admit).

    I love her, but I think its done now. She slept down stairs...second night in a row. In my haste to get a reaction I told her to move out. She just sat on her laptop and looked for flats...blank faced. Thats when I just exploded.

    I dont know whats going to happen, but it looks dire. Im just so confused as to why she seems to care so little.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice and the kind ear.

    Grubb

    1299417764
    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm betting she feels like shit right now. She left a very safe stable relationship for you and now to her its looking like its all backfired on her. I'm not all saying that this is your fault etc but she must be feeling awful and I suspect rather than showing you how hurt she is she's bottling it all up for an occasion when your not around.

    One thing is likely however. Either you'll be strong enough as a couple to make it through this and you'll be stronger as a result or that'll be the end of it. Maybe neither of you was the right person for her?

    Try and keep talking if you can and make a clean break if/when it's over ( I get the impression maybe you won't have an issue with that but who knows if she will? )

    I've had a girlfriend in the past who wanted to stay friends. I guess the fact that I wasn't wanting this meant that I didn't value her as a friend and as the sexual bit was over that was it for me. MrsBP and I were friends for years before we got together so I always see this was a great place to start from.

    1299418305
    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    Ouch I am sorry to hear that. I understand talking can be hard, especially when feelings got involved (I remember my ex never telling me he has another when breaking up with me). But it needs to be treated more sensitively (hard when feelings are included). Exploding is not the best way to handle it, I have to admit, but it can be remeded with care and if both parts are willing.

    As for the blank face, it does not mean she cares a little, but she may be hurt and she keeps to herself. I do that. I just close myself and don´t show emotions. I think you both need time to get the worst pain over and then see what can be done. It does not mean necessarilly lost. I made mistake recently and thought I lost my lover, but he forgave me, although it took him 2 days to be able to talk to me again. So there is a hope that things will calm down at least slightly and that the 2 of you would be able to talk, in few days.

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