• Open relationships/jelousy/cheating problem

    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 297
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    x X x wrote:

    Oh, and I just read that link.

    Hm, I just really think your partner should up the game with providing you with the affection you want atleast. Just so there is some sort of compromise. You should feel happy and emotionally content atleast. From what you have said about the option of having sex outside the relationship can be a much better option after that emotional aspect is fulfilled. You should feel loved. =]

    Perhaps talking through with how you feel emotionally may help to progress things?

    Yes. I think im going to have to glugg back a couple of glasses of wine and realy insist its disscused in detail. If hes truley happy with me going elsewhere then i want him to know i am. I dont want him asking any questions or any thing like that, but if i say im going out i dont want him to ask where or with who, because i dont want to have to lie to him.

    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2731
    • Joined: 17 Nov 2008

    WandA wrote:

    He seems to brush whatever problem you have with any suggestion he can, seems rather selfish.

    I agree with this. by telling you to sleep around its an attempt to make it into your problem rather than facing his own. His reluctance to get help would be really frustrating if it were me!

    yes he makes more of an effort when you are ovulating but it might be wise to consider that in the view that he wants another child. It must be frustrating knowing he can put the effort in but chooses not to.

    Personally in your situation I wouldnt consider seeing someone else. Sex and emotion are very close and although something may start as purley physical it could be hard to end a relationship if you do develop feelings for that person.

    If he won't go to counselling could you go by yourself? it might help your self esteem and to become more confident, or could help you communicate your feelings in a clearer way to your OH

    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 8863
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    missorgasm wrote:

    Completly understand what your saying. And forgive me for bringing a lot of negativity to the forums, i know all i seem to do it moan, thats becuase in "real life" i don't because i know it will hurt him or cause an arguement.

    I want sex with him of course. It more than that though, i also want sex, and i also want affection. He's certainly very indesicive when it comes to things like children, this i do understand as it was new territory for him as it wasn't for me.

    He does *try* harder to provide when he knows i'm around the time i should be ovulating so iv know doubt in my mind he wants a baby now for sure. its taking a while longer than we hoped it would and with no hesitation or me even mentioning it he's said if its not happened by march he wants to put the wedding on hold untill it has happened as i made it clear from the start i do not want to be up the duff on my wedding day.

    And i cant stress this point enough because i feel so guilty even thinking like this, never mind talking about it to other people, this man is my world, i love him so much and i'm happier than i've ever been, he made me believe in love again when id been so hurt, he took on a ready made home and my child from a previous relationship with nothing but enthusiasm, he treats me like a princess in every way i could ask for apart from this. Im better at the ranting side of things when it come to talking ratgher than this shit so il end this now or il start getting emotional

    No need for forgiveness, people are free to read what they want. They read and reply because they don't want people to be in negative situations.

    As I've said it's really hard to offer advice on such a limited issue when there are other things to consider which we cannot possibly know (like the rest of your life!). Although it's a bit simplistic for me a relationship isn't working if the bad times outweigh the good. I hope you reach some answer MissO, everyone has flaws and perhaps his can be worked on. Good luck!

    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1377
    • Joined: 26 Mar 2010

    Loves huni wrote:

    well i know what you mean when you said you cried reading this http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/malelowlibido_2.htm

    i just did the same i dont feel exactly the same as ALL those women but the general thoughts are wats going through my mind right now

    just read the article from the guys point of view and he sounds just like an older version of my OH :/

    which is upsetting as even though my oh hasnt gone to the doctors or what eve i now feel like im adding to stress he has and maybe im making him stressed and therefore lowering his drive furthur? :/


    think i may go for a bath :/ x

    I think the main thing with issues like this is not to see yourself as a further burden to your partner but as a form of support. He has you. Stress is always there- it can be heightened by a number of things. There will always be problems coming up in a relationship which can cause more stress but that's life. Please don't think of yourself as a problem. You just have to find a solution together that works for you both.

    Communication is key. I make it sound so easy but I know it's not. Everyone is different. I just think it's really important be open about what you are concerned about with eachother especially if it affects your relationship.


    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 297
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    thanks guys


    JonnyBeBad [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 31
    • Joined: 10 Jan 2011

    I feel for you Miss O, I'm in exactly the same situation with my OH, I'm 35 and think about sex 3+ times a day, I think for her it maybe only once every 6 months...based on the fact in the last 6 months she initiated it once. She pretty much refuses to talk about it to, I had actually got to the end of my teather last year around Christmas and thought I couldn't go on when I realised something...I'm not just interested in any old sex, it's sex with my OH that I really crave.

    I decided to take drastic action, so far I've turned things round a little, what I decided was rather than try and ask for sex, seduce her or anything else, I started things from scratch, I pretended we was at the start of our relationship and decided to try everything I could to win her back. Running her baths, giving her massages, buying her flowers, doing all the housework, anything I can think of to make her feel special...it hasn't worked yet, but it has got her talking about sex. The other thing to add is I started taking her on dates (we have a young baby, so it's tough sometimes, but I work something out) and have movie nights where I try to pick films which have a subtle sexy theme (for example 9 1/2 weeks!)

    The thing is, although we are still in the same boat as far as sex goes, I've got her to be intimate again, holding hands, kissing me, hugs, which never really existed before. I think the sex will come back, but I decided I had to fix all the other things that were wrong first...although I really want sex...at least I don't feel so rejected as I had before. I'm not sure what my advice would be, but maybe take a step back from the big problem and see if you can get to be closer to each other again.

    Yoko [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 78
    • Joined: 8 Jan 2011

    It is possible to have a very satisfying sexual relationship with absolutely no emotional ties.

    I know because I did it when I was about 24 or 25. At the time I was single so the situation isn't like yours in that sense. We met once a week on average, the sex was fantastic and because I was very clear in my own mind that I would end it if I ever thought I was developing feelings for him, it stayed very non-emotional and fun.

    I deliberately kept him seperate from every other part of my life (as he did with me); he didn't meet my room mates or friends and because we both had a high sex drive and it was being satisfied, for us it worked.

    I think it must have lasted about a year (I don't really recall for sure) but here's the thing; after a while I reached a point in my life when I wanted a real relationship, and he wasn't the man for that. And no matter how good the sex was, it couldn't fill my need for a connection with someone, so I ended it.

    And what I hear from your posts is that you're desperately looking for a loving, emotional connection as well as a satisfying sex life. You say he makes you happy, yet you seem so very forlorn and I wonder why you say he's making you happy when there is this big hole in your life. Your posts make me very sad for you.

    I don't like giving advice to people about their relationships because I don't know enough to comment, but I would be concerned that you seem to be the only party trying to solve an obvious problem. Any relationship requires work and if you 2 are planing to get married, I would be concerned that he isn't willing to address something which will affect the rest of your lives together.

    I feel for you; really I do. You have tried so many approaches and I wonder how much more you can take?

    take care of yourself;


    Mr Tall [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 80
    • Joined: 16 Nov 2010

    so sorry for your problem not sure I could post this

    - so he has a hot loving sexy woman at home and he cant or wont make love to you?

    imho he has some one else he is getting sex with

    all blokes CRAVE a woman like you

    and you cannot just have sex, you always get attached \involved in there life,you just do- I know

    not sure that's any help at all but its the way blokes think

    the best of luck whatever you decide

    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 297
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    batch wrote:

    so sorry for your problem not sure I could post this

    - so he has a hot loving sexy woman at home and he cant or wont make love to you?

    imho he has some one else he is getting sex with

    all blokes CRAVE a woman like you

    and you cannot just have sex, you always get attached \involved in there life,you just do- I know

    not sure that's any help at all but its the way blokes think

    the best of luck whatever you decide


    Maybe thats different for every person then. because iv done it and not got involved

    Booties [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 550
    • Joined: 9 Dec 2010

    I'm kinda late on the uptake here, but I have to have my say!

    First off, I'm so so sorry that you're having this kind of trouble. I could go on a huge long rant about this, but I'd probably just repeat the same things that other people have said. You obviously still have a problem getting him in the mood despite the use of toys and lingerie, so there's no point in me recommending things here...

    Perhaps you should spike his drink with some libido-powders... Hehehe.

    Honestly, I don't think sleeping with another man is a good idea. You run the risk of feeling dirty and cheap, you won't get the emotional connection you crave, you'll upset your man for sure and things could get much more complicated! If it's just pleasure you wanted, there are plenty of products on LH for that... So I have reason to believe it's sex with your partner specifically that you desire.

    Personally, if things were going that way for me, I would probably end it. He makes you feel unloved, damages your self esteem, has no desire to keep you for himself and is completely unwilling to make an effort to even discuss things with you! This said, I'm not suggesting you leave him!!

    I find the way to deal with being stuck in a Love-Rut is just a small bout of explosive anger. Don't cause an argument, but maybe while he's reading the paper or watching T.V, just stand in the doorway of the room (standing above him will give you more power and confidence) and tell him quickly exactly how you feel. "___, be quiet and listen. You don't make me feel loved or sexy, you make no effort for me. It's not even particularly sex I want, I just want to feel like the man I'm marrying wants to be close to me. You completely disregard my feelings, and the effect that an open relationship will have on us, and you refuse to talk to me about your feelings. I'm going away for the night, so please think about this." and then go off to, say, a friend's house for the night. Not necessarily these exact words of course, but a quick summary of how you feel! He might not even let you go, and decide to talk with you right there and then. Be strong, it makes a difference.

    If the rest of my advise is completely unhelpful, just a quick thought; He thinks pregnant women are sexy. Perhaps he would find himself desiring you more if you out some weight on? Not that I'm saying you're not perfect the way you are. You're gorgeous, I'd love to look like you! But I suppose a small change can spice up a relationship, right? A haircut, a bit of weight-gain? Who knows.

    Anyway, I hope you get everything sorted. Best of luck to you! x

    Jamba [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 89
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2011

    Hey Miss O, so sorry to hear how tough things are for you.

    I have a couple of questions as I find your other half's behaviour very strange. I take it that your first kid (the 18month old that you mentioned) is not his? Does he have an issue with that? Also do you feel like sleeping with other people is something that you could do in the long term? Because if this is how he really feels then that is what will have to happen....

    My 2 cents on the situation is going to be a little honest so please bare in mind that it is based only on what you have said not necessarily on the real situation. Your OH seems to be emotionally black mailing you, or at least you perceive that he is. You have said that he feels pressured by you wanting sex and also if you don't want it. Everything seems to be about what he wants and reading into things a little, I think him suggesting you should sleep with other people is him off-loading what he sees as an "annoyance" on to someone else.

    I find it hard to understand how you can say that this is your only problem though. For me the lack of love and the damage to my self esteem would completely destroy any relationship. These times of intimacy and oneness that you feel when making love to someone and also raw sexual attraction are the few things that separate a relationship from friendship. I'm actually quite surprised with the state of things that the two of you are thinking of getting married or having a child together.

    paradise found [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 18 Jan 2010

    Miss O, what disturbs me is that you say he has no interest in sex and doesn't want to seek help. Why not? For him just to say he doesn't want to isn't a valid reason. If he said he would feel embarassed talking to a stranger about it, that's a reason (although one that could be overcome) but for him to just refuse and expect you to sort out the problems he is creating is not good in a relationship

    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 4709
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    MissO I feel for you really I do but I agree with some of what's been said about his selfishness.

    He might be fantastic in every other way but there is an issue here and he's doing so much to avoid having to attempt to solve the problem that he's even suggested sleeping around (a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly for so many reasons).

    It does seem selfish that he'd rather that than have to put effort into solving the problem. He may have his reasons - but for me (if it were me) if my OH refused point blank to even *try* and fix something that he knows is so important to me and involves us both then I'd be questioning our compatability as a couple. That's just me though.

    It's a difficult situation and I hope things work out somehow!


    BigPoppa [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 417
    • Joined: 24 Jan 2010

    I really get the vibe from your posts that you might lack confidence in yourself.
    Perhaps he treats you better than previous relationships but if they were shit or abusive then that's not much of a benchmark.

    Two things that really worry me

    1) you trying for kids. Trust me on this, they don't make you closer in they that people think. They are a massive strain on a realtionship and if you think sex is bad now I suspect you'll get even less. Plus you'll be tired. Please don't bring a child into this world in your current situation as it breaks my heart for the kid.

    2) open relationship. No, no and no. He may say that he's ok with it but he may also be testing you and playing control games. I can't tell you how many real life people ( are there any other kind :-/ ) have told me what a wonderful, romantic giy charming partner they had. Then they did something wrong. chatted to much to a guy they know, kissed someone whilst pissed or when split up shagged someone else. Then the games start. Begging 'I love you' calls at 3am then days later calls saying that they're a whore. Or perhaps being lifted off the floor by their throat and called a whore and told they'd kill them rather than let them touch another man. All this from a man who previously was 'perfect, loving and generous'.

    So for your own good and your own safety please don't play this game. If he won't engage and refuses to seek help for both of you then that makes me worried about your future. Imagine this with your own kid. It's entirely about communication and compromise to make it work.

    I'm sorry if this comes across heavy handed but I've seen soo many people end up in chronically miserable relationship or worse abusive ones under the delusion that 'it's just me' or 'it's my fault'. That's the drip drip drip effect or slow but sure erosion of self esteem whilst creating a dependence on the other.

    Take a deep breath. Think. Take some time away fro
    each other. stop trying for kids before you get drawn in even further and it gets even more messy.

    You deserve to be happy.

    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 297
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    I'll just quickly reply to everyone, seems i missed alot while in the bath......

    Booties- As i said previously, i have talked to him, cried to him, and shouted at him, everything that i can think of, i have tried. and ur little role play bit- done that, pretty much those words too. I have spent many a night away to no avail. And i would love to put some weight on, i seem to be one of those people that eats and eats and eats with out gaining a pound, and i did change my hair, he prefured it darker and longer, so i got the bleach out and grew it.

    Jamba- No my son is not his. This has never been a problem, he loves him. And no, not long term. I dont know how long, Untill his drive comes back. if it doesn't obviously then things will need to be thought about. he assures me it has gone like this before and resurfised at a less stressful time and gone back to normal. I have told him it seems he is blackmailing me as i got that too, he says he understands that how it sounds, but he really isnt trying to do that. And you are quite right, you know nothing about the rest of my relationship.

    Paradise- He doesn't want to seek help as he says its happened before and he thinks its better just to let it come back off its own accord when hes less stressed, he said talking about it adds to the pressure, which is one of the main reasons its gone

    Big Poppa- I wouldn't say i lack confidence. I'm very happy in my own skin, i lack confidence where he is concerned atm because of obvious reasons. But in general im a happy, confident person. Iv only had two other relationships, one that lasted 6years from which i had my son, it was a good relationship, we were very very happy together, unfortunatly he told too big a lie for our relationship to continue and even then it ended as amicably as can be expected and we are still friends. The second was a 4month fling, mainly sex, i loved him, and still do dearly as a friend but it fazed out of its own accord and that was fine with both of us. so no bad relatonships. I can assure you im not playing any game, nor is he, this is a loving relationship with a child involved. One thing i will say quite forcefully and i may be wrong in saying this but heyho, im not asking for anyones opinions on us having more children so id rather your opinions on that were not mentioned, opinion or not, thats slightly hurtful as we've been trhough quite alot on that subject recently and its rather sore and seems to imply i am a bad parent. Im SURE thats not what you meant. But id rather that this remained on subject.

    Thanks again people. all duly noted

    maccess [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 219
    • Joined: 28 Sep 2010

    OMG missO i totally understand where you are coming from, this is not a good situation to be in and your OH's total unwillingness to even try to sort any issues he has out is incredably selfish and to tell you to get it somewhere else must have come accross very flippent and insensitive and i expect hurt your feelings. I believe you need to try to get to the root of the problem before you start involving others....... take care x

    Jamba [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 89
    • Joined: 14 Jan 2011

    missorgasm wrote:

    One thing i will say quite forcefully and i may be wrong in saying this but heyho, im not asking for anyones opinions on us having more children so id rather your opinions on that were not mentioned, opinion or not, thats slightly hurtful as we've been trhough quite alot on that subject recently and its rather sore and seems to imply i am a bad parent. Im SURE thats not what you meant. But id rather that this remained on subject.

    Thanks again people. all duly noted

    Hey MissO, I don't think anyone means it in that way and sorry if my post came across in that way. Hope that you guys can sort things out as this does seem to be upsetting you so much. By what you have said that you have tried, you seem to have a really level head on your shoulders about it so I'm sure you will make the best decision for you both

    niftyb [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 231
    • Joined: 29 Dec 2010

    ... i've been trying to think of what i'd do given your situation... and i guess that provided i was getting everything else from the relationship that i'd want/need (love, emotional support, cuddles etc) i'd resign myself to "the single life" sex-wise.... you know, if he's not interested right now, then tell him "fine, me and my jessica rabbit can handle it for a while - just lemme know when you feel like re-joining the party" hopefully that'd totally take the pressure off of him, you'd still get your rocks off without the guilt of being with someone else/worry about the possibility of developing feelings for someone else, and who knows? it might drive him SO crazy to be excluded that his mojo would come scuttling back

    Dirty Red Angel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1035
    • Joined: 16 Sep 2010

    Hiya hun,

    Sorry to hear this is how you're feeling. I don't have a lot of experience with this so can't comment on it all but I did want to say be careful if you do sleep with someone else - simply because in my experience it can lead to feelings you didn't realise you had which could drive a further wedge between you.

    I think I read that you've done this before and you haven't developed feelings, and if you can do this and it works for you then great but just wanted to say be careful although I can understand why you're considering it even if you don't actually go out and do it. Hope you get it sorted x

    Lady-J [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 212
    • Joined: 27 Sep 2010


    i just like to say sorry to hear this and hope it gets sorted soon

    Big hugs xxxxxxxx

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.