• Open relationships/jelousy/cheating problem

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    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    So, i did find a thread that was suitable but unfortunatly it had been closed, so i hope its ok to ask this....

    As a few of you will know from previous rants from myself, me and the OH are pretty much incompatable in the bedrrom department.

    Evere since we got together he was never really that interested in sex, he liked it, but the need for it wasn't there, were as i'm the opposite completley.

    He blamed it on various things, working silly hours, then not working, then working hours screwing him up again, blahblahblah. I appreciate all of this, but many people work silly hours and when this started, i was a full time childminder with an 18month of my own working from 6am till 7pm and working nights in a resurant 9pm till 1am 6days a week. So i didn't really buy it.

    Then he blamed it on his age, he's 30, again, don't buy it, i know many a 30yr old men who are loving sex as much as they always have done.

    Then he said it was because he had things on his mind, which i DO buy. Not necessary to drag up whats on his mind on here but its nothing to do with our relationship, its purely his deal, although of course im happy to help or listen when he needs me.

    After many discusions about it, aswel as tears, tantrums and arguments i made it clear, although i love him dearly i can't be in a relationship where i feel constantly neglegted, not just physicaly but emotionly too, as it as destroying every other aspect of our relationship as well as my self esteem. I expected this to maybe either kick start it again or make him walk away, but instead, he told me to sleep with other people.

    He made it clear he did not want to know about it, and that if anything other than sex, came in to it, like if i started to develope feelings for some one else it had to end straight away.

    This is so far away from a solution i can't beleive he suggested it. Maybe he does love me so much that he'd rather share me than lose me as he put it. But i can't believe that. After months of being constantly turned down, told that "i haven't got a chance in hell so don't even bother trying it on", not even being kissed because he thinks i'll try it on i just think he doesn't care any more. I'm not too good at explaining things like that and i wanted to explain to him how i felt i stumbled upon this

    http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/malelowlibido_2.htm

    I showed him and he got very angry and told me i only felt like that because i'd read the article. This is so like how i feel i cried as i was reading it.

    He keeps bringing up that i should find someone else to sleep with, now we have the most jelousy free relationship i know of, i know alot of people wont understand that but its true. I would never go out looking for it, as i don't think he would, but we had an agreement that if one of us was drunk or lost in the moment, it was ok. The thing is.....i dont know whether i should.....theres some one i have a sexual connection with, i've spoken to him about it as a mate to ask for his veiw on it and he's agreed that feelings would never develope in that way, and that it would just be us that knew about it. I;m so frustrated, sexually, emotionally and everyother way i can be i just don't know what to do and can't even think straight, the whole situation is just totally irrational.

    I realise i've rambled on an awful lot here, and if your still reading well done you!

    I'd love your opinions. And a few points i should make are that me and the OH have talked about this alot, He simply refuses to see a doctor about it, talk to a therapist, take any pills, prescipe or not, try to have sex to kick start his drive or even just please me. Nor does he wish me to bring sex up in conversation any more. And it isnt a physical thing for him, everythings fully working. And i love him more than anything. I must or it wouldn't hurt so much i guess and i would need to put so much thought in to going elsewhere.

    The real question here is should i go elsewhere......anything else is a bonus i guess.......

    1296570349
    paradise found [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh dear, I have never posted on this forum even though I've been a member for ages, so apologies for not introducing myself first.

    I just had to respond because I can feel how desperate you are. You are right when you say age has nothing to do with it. I have a feeling my oh and I are probably twice your age and we still have sex every day, more than once usually.

    He says he wants you to have sex with other people but that isn't going to give you the intimacy you crave or the emotional attachment you need. He seems to be pushing you away whether he realises it or not.

    If you leave things as they are, my gut feeling is that you will become more and more resentful or you will retreat into your shell with low self esteem. If you did go ahead and sleep with this other guy you may get the sexual release you need but not the emotional connection. Either that or you could both eventually feel an emotional connection even though this other person says it will never happen. Once you start having sex with each other there is no telling what could happen.

    I think eventually you will have to decide what is best for you. People here can give opinions but you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences. I really feel for you and wish I could help more

    1296570365
    Sweet-kitten [sign in to see picture]
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    You haven't actually explained your own feelings about him and your relationship on an emotional level. It is obvious that he is very afraid of losing you but you haven't said how you feel about losing him.
    Open relationships only work when your relationship is VERY stable, in all ways. So, if you have problems in any part of your relationship, this will only cause more problems.
    I think you both need to talk with a professional. Just my opinion but then I am a professional. LOL. I'm biased!

    1296570802
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    Sweet-kitten wrote:

    You haven't actually explained your own feelings about him and your relationship on an emotional level. It is obvious that he is very afraid of losing you but you haven't said how you feel about losing him.
    Open relationships only work when your relationship is VERY stable, in all ways. So, if you have problems in any part of your relationship, this will only cause more problems.
    I think you both need to talk with a professional. Just my opinion but then I am a professional. LOL. I'm biased!

    I feel as if i've already lost him but he's still there to tease me with what i've lost if that makes any sence. I need the physical side of it, and the emotional. I dont know whether if i could get the physical side of it sorted else where, i wouldn't resent him as i do and would be able to get closer to him without the need for sex as that would be satisfied, or whether its going to make me feel even more cheap, dirty and desperate. I thought it was natural to want to make love to the person you love? i really dont know. Its killing me, and that makes it worse because he doesn;t seem to care.

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    Sweet-kitten [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand where you are coming from but intimacy, which is, I think, what you are craving doesn't have to be about sex. Maybe if you came to a truce where you agreed to lots of cuddles and hand holding for a while but no penetrative sex, then he would relax because the pressure would be off. Does that make sense? I am typing on a train, hmmm.

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    melt-in-the-mouth [sign in to see picture]
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    hi there. Personally i think yes you should go elsewhere. You have tried very hard to solve the problem by talking to your OH and at the end od the day its just sex! If your OH has categorically said he isnt interested in a sexual relationship but you wish to remain together in every other aspect then it seems like a fully workable solution to the problem.

    I would however suggest not sleeping with your friend as these things often get messy afterwards and it may be a little too close for comfort where your partners concerned. Best to find a like minded trustworthy individual who isnt involved in any other aspect of your life and keep it a purely sexual thing.

    in a way you are lucky, not many peoles partner would be so obliging. My husband flips the script if another guy so much as looks at me, and we aint got a great sex life lol!!!

    Just b sure that whatever you decide it is right for you as theres no going back once the deed is done. x

    1296571707
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    Sweet-kitten wrote:

    I understand where you are coming from but intimacy, which is, I think, what you are craving doesn't have to be about sex. Maybe if you came to a truce where you agreed to lots of cuddles and hand holding for a while but no penetrative sex, then he would relax because the pressure would be off. Does that make sense? I am typing on a train, hmmm.

    We've tried this and it hasn't worked. If anything its put more pressure on him an made me feel worse.

    I cant go up to bed at the same time as him anymore because i cant face the rejection, or even the fact that he wont look at me in that way. I always slept in the buff now i wear pj's in bed, i cant change in front of him becuase i know he doesnt look at me in a sexual way so i feel embarrased being any where near naked around him.

    We are trying trying for a baby, which iv accepted isnt going to happen now but he made a comment a while ago, "you"ll probly find my sex drive comes back when your pregnant, pregnant women are very sexy" That just told me he doesn't like me as i am

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    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    melt-in-the-mouth wrote:

    hi there. Personally i think yes you should go elsewhere. You have tried very hard to solve the problem by talking to your OH and at the end od the day its just sex! If your OH has categorically said he isnt interested in a sexual relationship but you wish to remain together in every other aspect then it seems like a fully workable solution to the problem.

    I would however suggest not sleeping with your friend as these things often get messy afterwards and it may be a little too close for comfort where your partners concerned. Best to find a like minded trustworthy individual who isnt involved in any other aspect of your life and keep it a purely sexual thing.

    in a way you are lucky, not many peoles partner would be so obliging. My husband flips the script if another guy so much as looks at me, and we aint got a great sex life lol!!!

    Just b sure that whatever you decide it is right for you as theres no going back once the deed is done. x

    He's not a friend as such, we met in the pub, eyed eachother up all night and sent the occasional flirty text, i don't see him unless we happen to bump in to eachother on a night out

    1296575190
    GlennUK [sign in to see picture]
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    FWIW As a bloke i wold find it diffiult to deal with my wife having sex with another person, im sure there are women who would find siialr issues with their male partner if the roles were reversed. This is despite us having discussed swingin in the past but never having actually done anyhting about it. If he says its ok but he doesnt want to know then the only way i can see that happening is if you sneak around behind his back.

    For some people of course the 'sneaking' bit is all part of the thrill, but i dont get that feeling with your post.

    Having been with a partner who had a low sex drive i have some idea of where youre coming from, in the end we split (although to be fair sex wasnt the reason there were many other issues) and i met my wife and thankfully, apart from all the other issues that make up a happy relationship we are well matched sexually too.

    Im no expert but if you cant sort out the issues with you OH then i do wonder what answers you wil find elsewhere?

    I doubt this has been of any help to you but I do wonder, what is behind you OH issues? Are you sure heisnt getting sex elsewhere? another woman or maybe a man?

    Anyway good luck

    Glenn

    1296575404
    lysistrata [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmm, when you mentioned that you were trying for a baby, it seemed to click for me. Perhaps this is the strain that has made him lose his libido? Maybe even not consciously for him, but it might be his concerns over that that are causing him to lose his sex drive?

    I would definitely recommend NOT sleeping with other people as any kind of substitute, even if he thinks it is a good idea. Non-monogamy is a complicated thing and requires a lot of communication, trust and honesty to work for the benefit of all people involved and ensure no-one gets hurt; it really isn't a substitute for when one partner has lost their sex drive, but from reading your posts you obviously know that, so sorry if I'm sounding patronising.

    1296575428
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    You seem to want sex with him rather than sex. If he is unwilling to provide that I only see one option, some differences are irreconcilable.

    He seems to brush whatever problem you have with any suggestion he can, seems rather selfish.

    Are you sure he feels how you do about him? He seemed to take a lot of persuading to go for kids but then 'gave in'. I obviously don't want to judge your relationship, I really don't know enough I just get the impression that when you post about it it is almost always negative and familiarity can be a comforting thing. Although I've working off scant evidence I don't get the impression he will/does make you happy.

    1296575473
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    GlennUK wrote:

    FWIW As a bloke i wold find it diffiult to deal with my wife having sex with another person, im sure there are women who would find siialr issues with their male partner if the roles were reversed. This is despite us having discussed swingin in the past but never having actually done anyhting about it. If he says its ok but he doesnt want to know then the only way i can see that happening is if you sneak around behind his back.

    For some people of course the 'sneaking' bit is all part of the thrill, but i dont get that feeling with your post.

    Having been with a partner who had a low sex drive i have some idea of where youre coming from, in the end we split (although to be fair sex wasnt the reason there were many other issues) and i met my wife and thankfully, apart from all the other issues that make up a happy relationship we are well matched sexually too.

    Im no expert but if you cant sort out the issues with you OH then i do wonder what answers you wil find elsewhere?

    I doubt this has been of any help to you but I do wonder, what is behind you OH issues? Are you sure heisnt getting sex elsewhere? another woman or maybe a man?

    Anyway good luck

    Glenn

    Im positive he isnt getting it elsewhere.

    The sneaking around thing is what i hate, it wont be a turn on atall. The only thing in a relationship i hate and wont stand for is lies, and in order for him to not know what im doing, which was his request im goin to have to lie about where im going and who with.

    1296575900
    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh dear, MissO, I'm sorry to hear things have got this bad for you. I can only sympathise, as I think I can understand how you must feel.

    I know there are a few of us OH'ers who are in relationships where their sex drives just don't match up.

    I think you need to consider carfefully what you are going to do. Is sex with someone you don't love going to give you what you need? Are you going to feel guilt at what you do?

    I can't answer these, as they are different for everyone. I'm not sure I could cope with sleeping outside my marriage, even with my wife's consent, but I do know someone who does. Not that I've been told to "go get some" by my wife! The closest I've got to that was after my stag do, when I confided to her that I'd been offered a blowjob by a lapdancer. Needless to say I didn't take up the offer, but my wife told me I should have done it, as its not something she is willing to do.

    I don't buy the whole age, stress whatever thing. I'm 38 and a week and want it as much now as ever. My wife is maybe the same as your OH, in that she's never had much interest in it, and never had a high drive. As time has gone on, I've found its just lower down on her priority list than mine. If she has anything else on her mind, its basically out the window. I think some people just aren't sexually driven. It doesn't seem to be any one gender thats like it.

    I understand the point of taking a lover would be to satisfy your sexual needs without losing your OH, but by doing it, you may risk breaking that relationship up anyway.

    Of course, it could be that he'd find it arousing to know you were getting it somewhere else (ie cuckold) but thats a whole other situation!

    1296575992
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm very traditionally minded with relationships so for me, personally, with a guy- it's all or nothing.

    However, I can understand those that have open relationship the trust and bond they share can be incredibly strong. It can work for them, very well. I have mixed feelings about your OH's agenda with him telling you to get the sexual/physical side of it elsewhere... I think it's really unfair he has no intention or goal in doing anything to make a compromise. That doesn't mean having sex when he really doesn't want to but atleast the intimacy remains with hugs and kisses. If there's nothing like that there... then what is there?

    I'm apalled that even though he knows you're in somewhat shambles emotionally and an increasingly self low esteem (when you are absolutely beautiful btw!) and he's not doing anything to try fix it or help you. When you have so many issues within your relationship why would you even consider wanting it to be an open relationship... It seems to me like it's a quick fix for him to even suggest it. As SK said before, a relationship needs to be very stable before you really think about adding others to the mix. If you rely on this process to make your current relationship better then.. well, it could go wrong so easily.

    Even though you seem to be contemplating about an open relationship I think it would help to talk to a professional or just really prioritise what YOU want. The one thing I need more than anything in my relationship is emotional stability. I am willing to do anything for my partner and I know he is too (physical and emotional). It's give and take. Compromise.

    There's really so many excuses you can make about not having sex.. but intimacy and reassurance, it's expected. Seriously, a cuddle and a kiss and a few words can mean the world to someone.. If you need it especially, why isn't that there?

    I agree with an above post about the emotional attachment.. Even though the physical side of it can cause frustrations etc the emotional bit is where it can eat you up inside. If he fulfilled that then the physical contact outside your relationship seems more workable. I do think you need to consider everything as it's a big choice and one where you will have to deal with potential consequences..

    I really hope it works out for you! Let us know how it goes.. *hugs*

    1296576057
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    WandA wrote:

    You seem to want sex with him rather than sex. If he is unwilling to provide that I only see one option, some differences are irreconcilable.

    He seems to brush whatever problem you have with any suggestion he can, seems rather selfish.

    Are you sure he feels how you do about him? He seemed to take a lot of persuading to go for kids but then 'gave in'. I obviously don't want to judge your relationship, I really don't know enough I just get the impression that when you post about it it is almost always negative and familiarity can be a comforting thing. Although I've working off scant evidence I don't get the impression he will/does make you happy.

    Completly understand what your saying. And forgive me for bringing a lot of negativity to the forums, i know all i seem to do it moan, thats becuase in "real life" i don't because i know it will hurt him or cause an arguement.

    I want sex with him of course. It more than that though, i also want sex, and i also want affection. He's certainly very indesicive when it comes to things like children, this i do understand as it was new territory for him as it wasn't for me.

    He does *try* harder to provide when he knows i'm around the time i should be ovulating so iv know doubt in my mind he wants a baby now for sure. its taking a while longer than we hoped it would and with no hesitation or me even mentioning it he's said if its not happened by march he wants to put the wedding on hold untill it has happened as i made it clear from the start i do not want to be up the duff on my wedding day.

    And i cant stress this point enough because i feel so guilty even thinking like this, never mind talking about it to other people, this man is my world, i love him so much and i'm happier than i've ever been, he made me believe in love again when id been so hurt, he took on a ready made home and my child from a previous relationship with nothing but enthusiasm, he treats me like a princess in every way i could ask for apart from this. Im better at the ranting side of things when it come to talking ratgher than this shit so il end this now or il start getting emotional

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    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    x X x wrote:

    I'm apalled that even though he knows you're in somewhat shambles emotionally and an increasingly self low esteem (when you are absolutely beautiful btw!) and he's not doing anything to try fix it or help you. When you have so many issues within your relationship why would you even consider wanting it to be an open relationship... It seems to me like it's a quick fix for him to even suggest it. As SK said before, a relationship needs to be very stable before you really think about adding others to the mix. If you rely on this process to make your current relationship better then.. well, it could go wrong so easily.

    This.

    He seems to want the option that appears the easiest at that time regardless of the consequences. That is not the type of person I could respect as a partner. Although he might make a great banker.

    1296576694
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    I really appreciate all your thoughts. Please, please believe me when i say iv looked in to every thing i can possibly think off, h wont go to a proffesional and talk about it, hes reluctant to talk to me about it. I cant agree with the statement "when you have so many issues within your relationshipwhy would you even consider an open relationship" becasue THIS is our issues, everything else is just fab. but its affecting other parts of our relationship as i dont feel he loves me and the only thing thats going to fix or help me, is him wanting me in the way i need again. and he obviously cant do that.

    http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-marriage&tid=12419

    I found this. not by the OH i should point out. but basically what hes saying doing etc

    1296577158
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    missorgasm wrote:

    I really appreciate all your thoughts. Please, please believe me when i say iv looked in to every thing i can possibly think off, h wont go to a proffesional and talk about it, hes reluctant to talk to me about it. I cant agree with the statement "when you have so many issues within your relationshipwhy would you even consider an open relationship" becasue THIS is our issues, everything else is just fab. but its affecting other parts of our relationship as i dont feel he loves me and the only thing thats going to fix or help me, is him wanting me in the way i need again. and he obviously cant do that.

    http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-marriage&tid=12419

    I found this. not by the OH i should point out. but basically what hes saying doing etc

    Sorry if I come across judgemental.. That's not how I wanted to appear at all. Just trying to give another aspect. =]

    The core of a relationship- for me, is knowing that my partner loves me unconditionally. I don't see how everything else in a relationshp can be great when the core elements aren't there.. I'm not saying your relationship isn't good- just that it's something to think about.

    Those emotional cravings and affection is what I value the most. Obviously not everyone feels that way but I think that's what you want too as well as the physical aspect.

    Also, sleeping with other people will not give you want you want the most. How will that make you feel like he loves you? And will it show that he wants you..?

    xXx

    1296577577
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    x X x wrote:

    missorgasm wrote:

    I really appreciate all your thoughts. Please, please believe me when i say iv looked in to every thing i can possibly think off, h wont go to a proffesional and talk about it, hes reluctant to talk to me about it. I cant agree with the statement "when you have so many issues within your relationshipwhy would you even consider an open relationship" becasue THIS is our issues, everything else is just fab. but its affecting other parts of our relationship as i dont feel he loves me and the only thing thats going to fix or help me, is him wanting me in the way i need again. and he obviously cant do that.

    http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-marriage&tid=12419

    I found this. not by the OH i should point out. but basically what hes saying doing etc

    Sorry if I come across judgemental.. That's not how I wanted to appear at all. Just trying to give another aspect. =]

    The core of a relationship- for me, is knowing that my partner loves me unconditionally. I don't see how everything else in a relationshp can be great when the core elements aren't there.. I'm not saying your relationship isn't good- just that it's something to think about.

    Those emotional cravings and affection is what I value the most. Obviously not everyone feels that way but I think that's what you want too as well as the physical aspect.

    Also, sleeping with other people will not give you want you want the most. How will that make you feel like he loves you? And will it show that he wants you..?

    xXx

    completely understand, and i put this up because i needed opinions so although i wont agree with everything everyone says, i do really appreciate your contributions. xx

    Im so onfues about the whole thing, i've got everypart of my tiny little brain arguing with eachother so it all comes out a bit messy.

    I guess one part of my brain is telling me at the moment that if i can go elsewhere, and do, then maybe i can build up my self confidence aswell as taking away some one the sexual frustration, he will then feel less under pressure as i wont be needing sex *as much* i will still want it from him, but maybe his cuddles will be enough and it will take the pressure off a bit.

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    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh, and I just read that link.

    Hm, I just really think your partner should up the game with providing you with the affection you want atleast. Just so there is some sort of compromise. You should feel happy and emotionally content atleast. From what you have said about the option of having sex outside the relationship can be a much better option after that emotional aspect is fulfilled. You should feel loved. =]

    Perhaps talking through with how you feel emotionally may help to progress things?

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