• advice\ thoughts please

    1295103475
    Mr Tall [sign in to see picture]
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    hi all

    so little problem

    my wife of 17 +years has always had a low sex drive - but we are happy and content ,safe I suppose you would call it and yes I have tryed all sorts, toys included- she wouldn't even look at it

    I have a friend I walk our, and her dogs with, she is married as well - but not at all happy, she sleeps in the spare room in fact

    we have always flirted and in October I asked her outright if she wanted some fun? she did, and we have had some fabulous sex days and quickies - best ever for both of us all her friends say yah!-its about time you had some fun and a life

    she is cute, and fun and now claims she loves me and wants more of a life with me, but works self employed on not much money a bit like me

    sounds harsh but that not what I signed up for, and yes I am scared of loosing a nice house, all paid for and all that goes with it

    but once again I am home alone with my wife at work- (yes she earns loads) - bored and with more of the same tonight and for the future

    so should I go with my heart and a life with the new girl or stick at home ,with what is safe?

    I know its sounds like I want the best of both worlds but I am very confused any advice would be appreciated

    Batch

    1295103866
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Might not be what you signed up for, but certainly what you asked for

    Messing around with married women when you're married is bound to cause trouble. The better scenario would have been to leave your wife before you messed around with the other woman.

    Were you unhappy enough with your wife to leave before there was something else on offer?

    Making a decision between two people and two lives is rarely a good option - not least because as great as the "new life" sounds, it has all the imperfections of any other version of life and you are only seeing the "good" now, do you want it 'cause you can't have it? Do you want it because it seems better? Does it seem better because it's only the beginning? Could you end up in exactly the same position again? Do you care about your wife/marriage enough to fix it or are you only sticking around for the money? Are you being selfish?

    Personally....I'd say leave both women for long enough that you can be objective about it all. If you end up "back" with one or the other you're less likely to resent it than if you'd left one for the other and realised you'd made the wrong decision.

    Adx

    1295104090
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
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    You should be honest, with both parties.

    I don't know the specifics that that will take for you but in my opinion it is morally wrong to abuse the trust of someone for your own benefit, you have broken the trust of your wife and may have broken the trust of your friend if she is unaware how little she may mean compared to a house/lifestyle.

    I do mean this in the nicest possible way but my advice would be to be less selfish. You may want the big house and a new girl but there are other people involved who may get seriously hurt by your actions, try to also think of them when making your decision.

    What ever it is I wish you good luck.

    1295104346
    Nymeria [sign in to see picture]
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    Does your wife know that you cheated? I find it really unfair that you have done that tbh. I'm not here to judge but I think perhaps to actually move on and perhaps come out better in your marriage is to speak to her. Before wanting to try out all the toys did you communicate with her and ask what she wanted etc.

    It may have seemed "boring" but the way I see it is that marriage and committed relationships take a lot of work. 17+ years sounds impressive and also at times very hard work. I don't condone infidelity at all... I find that it's inexcusable. Understandable, perhaps but unacceptable.

    I think the way that you are considering your dilemma is quite obvious in that if you reject the "new girl" you may regret it and become bitter within your own marriage (that you seemed to undervalue by cheating). I think the affairs show how much you value and prioritise your marriage.

    It is up to you but I think you really need to talk to your wife and be honest about your feelings towards her too. It's not fair on her at all. Instead of you deciding on whether you should stick to your marriage or not she may be the one to ultimately decide. I think a lot of comunication is needed.

    Also, just to focus on this phrase:

    so should I go with my heart and a life with the new girl or stick at home ,with what is safe?

    That says a lot... Again, I repeat the "regretting and being bitter" thing.. I really think that your wife deserves to know.

    1295104517
    Dirty Red Angel [sign in to see picture]
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    She says she loves you but you haven't said how you feel -do you love her or is your head swayed but the good times and the sex?

    It is very easy to fantasise about how things might be with the other women but in reality like Ad says, you might just end up where you are.

    The thrill of having sex and getting what you 'want' is intoxicating. You don't want to give it up but you don't want to give up all the things you've worked for. It's a bit like a drug!

    If you're unhappy with your wife and you just can't see your life with her then, yes, you should consider leaving. But you should also give yourself a break and not jump straight into a relationship with someone else

    1295104717
    Hedonistic [sign in to see picture]
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    From a moralistic point of view, you really shouldn't be doing this behind your wife's back. Also you shouldn't be abusing her trust and using her just to keep yourself comfortable. Using her as a cash cow sounds pretty disrespectful and I'm not sure if it is what she signed on for. Pretty judgmental for me, but I have strong feelings about trust and honesty in a relationship and I can't bring myself to compromise them.

    I will concede that even for myself my security comes first in all things, and it will be quite hard just to run off and try and start a new life with this women.

    My reccomendation is to make sure you're self sufficient and follow your heart. If you really want this new woman, then go for it and be prepared to hurt your wife and to have to struggle to make it work. It's the only way the three of you can begin to be hapy and honest.

    The alternative is to let the new girl down and stay with your wife and try to make a life together. If you do that, I would reccomend counciling as otherwise the underlying relationship issues will cause this to reoccur.

    1295104792

    [suspended user]

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    Iquite agree with your last sentence Kitty. He should just stand back and have a good look at the situation before taking a big leap into the unknown

    1295105568
    Mr Tall [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you all for taking the time to reply one of the reasons of feeling so mixed up is I sort of broke it off with the new girl last Wednesday, and the weekend has been - well horrid, feelings of loss and missing is very strong today, we will have a talk on monday, just talk - some super valid points I must re read and think about in all your posts, my thanks again Batch
    1295105785
    Hedonistic [sign in to see picture]
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    If it feels bad just now it's because you enjoyed it a lot and you desperately want more of the same stimulation and excitement and fun.

    Think of it likee cold turkying a drug addiction. It will get better in time.

    Make sure you can correctly seperate obsession/infatuation with emotional attachment/love before you make a life changing decision.

    1295105941
    Dirty Red Angel [sign in to see picture]
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    Completely agree with Hedonistic. It feels shit because you want more and you might find yourself wanting to call her / text her / see her this weekend even though you've broken it off.

    Find something else to do if you get that feeling otherwise you'll just end up back where you were.

    Hope you get it sorted either way

    1295108617
    Sweet-kitten [sign in to see picture]
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    My immediate thought was to ask how many people are in this. Are there kids? Close families?

    1295109284
    Mr Tall [sign in to see picture]
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    Sweet-kitten wrote:

    My immediate thought was to ask how many people are in this. Are there kids? Close families?

    its just my wife and i, and the new girl has 3 older kids in fact she is a gran at 46 and has a fairly close family who all dis like her husband , she claims , and from the times i have met him a twat, and has hit her

    1295111827
    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm, not sure I have much useful to add to what has already been said, but I think if both of you are unhappy with your respective partners, the decision to leave them should be based on you then being single for a period, as then you know you are leaving as there is nothing further that can be repaired at home and not just because the grass looks greener on the other side. Leaving your wfie for your mistress may seem exciting, however, it will all too quickly become equally as humdrum as your current home life I suspect.

    If you truly believe your marriage cannot be saved, then perhaps time alone would be good for you, to repair yourself and make you feel able to face the world again. I can see how this other lady has added some missing excitment to your life, but once you are both sat on the same sofa, she will probably have those irritating habits that your wife probably has, and you will more than likely be in a worse position financially and all of a sudden your wife will seem appealing again, but for all the wrong reasons and she deserves better than that.

    Are you truly convinced that your marriage cannot be rescued?

    I seem to have waffled, and am probably not clear at all but basically what I am trying to say is my belief is that a person should never leave a person for another, but they should do it for themselves, however I know in reality it isn't really like that...

    1295115559
    BashfulBabe [sign in to see picture]
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    batch wrote:

    Sweet-kitten wrote:

    My immediate thought was to ask how many people are in this. Are there kids? Close families?

    its just my wife and i, and the new girl has 3 older kids in fact she is a gran at 46 and has a fairly close family who all dis like her husband , she claims , and from the times i have met him a twat, and has hit her

    I'm going to apologise in advance if I'm a little meqn here, because I'm in a bad mood, and might be a little blunter than my normal self. But I do have to say a couple of things.

    First of all, despite you saying you've ended things with her, you're still calling her "the new girl", as if you still believe there's a future there. You need to be honest with yourself, and with all the others involved. If you are even remotely considering following this through - something I'd advise against, given relationships that begin with cheating and lies are on pretty shakey foundations - then you need to snap out of the fairytale you're living in and call things what they are. She is not a "new girl" she is the "other woman". You are not some knight in shining armour charging in to rescue her from a brutish captor, you are a cheat who is sleeping with another man's wife behind your wife's back. It's not romantic and sweet, it's painful and disrespectful and selfish. Own up to that and make decisions based on reality, not your fantasy.

    Secondly, you're trying to excuse sleeping with another man's wife by saying that he "seems like a twat" and that his cheating wife has told you stories about him. It doesn't matter how terrible a person he is, or how dead their marriage is: if it's that bad, she should leave him. That is nothing to do with you. If he's so terrible she feels the need to punish and disrespect him by screwing around behind his back, then how come he's tolerable enough to live with? Again, there's an element of fantasy here. you're believeing the word of a woman who is willing to lie to and cheat on her husband. Much as you may like her, she is not a reliable source, and even if she is being 100% honest about him, why does it matter? You're not married to him, his actions do not affect your choice whatsoever.

    Thirdly, your wife. Does she also abuse you and make your life miserable? From what little you say of her, it seems as if she works herself ragged trying to provide a beautiful home for the two of you, but because her libido crashed, that makes it alright to use her and laugh at her behind her back? Frankly, that's disguisting behaviour. You owe her more than that, and I think you know that yourself. If you don't love her, or just don't want to be with her any more, then man up and stop using her. And, if you do actually want to be with her, then realise that there are two of you in the marriage, and you need to put some effort in: if you're "bored", then talk to her about it, do something, maybe ask her to cut back on her hours (even if it means your lifestyle won't be quite so cushy), go to councilling together, and find a way back to what you lost. But above all else remember that she is a human being who has apparently done you no harm except to not have sex with you as much as you'd like, and deserves much more respect and honesty than you've been showing.

    Again, sorry for being blunt, but having seen what a cheater can do, how that pain cut my father through, I cannot abide the idea of anyone romanticising an affair.

    1295116014
    sospiri [sign in to see picture]
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    I went through a very similar situation a few years back and my advice is to not make a move until you are absolutely 1001% certain about the new relationship you are getting into. Don't at this stage commit yourself to anything. You need to think things through very very carefully as well as think about the repercussions from wifey.

    Wifey probably has suspicions that something is going on because although men think that they are good at covering their tracks, quite simply they aren't! Be warned that it could all blow up in your face just when you least want it to.

    In my case the new relationship didn't work out and I went through several other short relationships before finding my current partner of 7 years and with whom I am very happy. That makes me sound like a serial womaniser and nothing could be farther from the truth.

    It can work out, and I'm sure there are many on here who have had that experience, but it can equally well go disastrously wrong. The words 'creek' and 'paddle' come to mind!

    1295116291
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    sospiri wrote:

    I went through a very similar situation a few years back and my advice is to not make a move until you are absolutely 1001% certain about the new relationship you are getting into. Don't at this stage commit yourself to anything. You need to think things through very very carefully as well as think about the repercussions from wifey.

    The problem with holding fire is the immorality of it. As if as the cheater you have the "right" to "choose" your wife over your mistress. By cheating, really you've given up the right to "choose" to stay married - the wife *should* be told, then she holds all the cards.

    By cheating, you've voluntarily given up that option in my opinion.

    Adx

    1295116627
    sospiri [sign in to see picture]
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    Our posts crossed, Bashful Babe, but I couldn't agree with you more.

    To the original poster, if the marriage in the end turns out to be, in your opinion, irredeemable, then tell wifey so, make a clean exit, and go and live on your own for a while. Or perhaps you might be frightened to do that??? It's not like getting a new car, where you take delivery of the new vehicle before disposing of the old!

    1295116923
    Jamba [sign in to see picture]
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    I find it strange that you do not seem to be considering this from your wife's point of view. Also you said that you are happy with your wife (you actually say this in your initial post). Either your obviously not or you are trying to justify a fantasy without it having any real life ramifications.

    Quick question: Did you know about your wife's sex drive and general feeling towards sex before you got married? If you did then don't you at least owe her a conversation about how it is an issue for you?

    1295117427
    sospiri [sign in to see picture]
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    I note what you say, Alicia, if only life were that simple. Batch has already gone beyond the platonic friendship point and had sex with the new woman on quite a few occasions! Several of us have suggested that he puts some proper effort into redeeming his marriage, and in order to do that, he needs to be sure he is not leading the new woman up the garden path by making any sort of commitment regarding a future together, and that the casual sex, etc., needs to stop right now!

    To begin a redemption process and at the same time carry on with the new woman would be highly immoral.

    1295118406
    chipNroll [sign in to see picture]
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    No apologies for being blunt here. I think you should come clean with your wife and go off with this 'new girl'. Your wife doesn't deserve to be used to give you a comfortable 'safe' homelife all the while you're off completely betraying her trust and potentially causing immense damage to her emotional wellbeing. Why should you get the benefits of being in a secure relationship whilst she gets none. &Don't be surprised if history repeats itself on you.

    Plus the dogs are probably sick of the extra walks.

    If you do want to give your marriage another try you still need to tell you wife. and then be prepared to put aside your own feelings of loss to put her feelings first for once

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