• Male libido

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    bananadelight [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello,

    I'm new here and have been lurking for a little while to see if I can find discussion on my problem but having been a few pages through (learnt lots along the way :) ) I haven't really been able to find anything that I'm quite looking for. I just wanted to ask a question about male sex drive. I'm 28 and my OH a year older. As I have got older my sex drive has at least doubled and I could happily have sex 4/5 times a week (not too unreasonable??) but his has reduced a little to the point where he would be happy with 1/2 times a week max which has become a bit frustrating for me. Have other men found that their sex drive has reduced as they have got older? I'm just a bit worried that it might be me although I have tried to talk to him about it and he says it's not, it's just that he is tired/ill/headache. I always thought they were the stereotypical woman's excuses!! Feeling unsettled and very horny all the time. I've tried to talk about it, seduce him, sort myself out but at the end of the day I've now been rejected the last 6/7 times I've approached him in the last few weeks. Anyone else have any experience of this? Sorry if I've posted in the wrong place but I'm getting a bit desperate.

    Emmy

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    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    bananadelight wrote:

    Hello,

    I'm new here and have been lurking for a little while to see if I can find discussion on my problem but having been a few pages through (learnt lots along the way :) ) I haven't really been able to find anything that I'm quite looking for. I just wanted to ask a question about male sex drive. I'm 28 and my OH a year older. As I have got older my sex drive has at least doubled and I could happily have sex 4/5 times a week (not too unreasonable??) but his has reduced a little to the point where he would be happy with 1/2 times a week max which has become a bit frustrating for me. Have other men found that their sex drive has reduced as they have got older? I'm just a bit worried that it might be me although I have tried to talk to him about it and he says it's not, it's just that he is tired/ill/headache. I always thought they were the stereotypical woman's excuses!! Feeling unsettled and very horny all the time. I've tried to talk about it, seduce him, sort myself out but at the end of the day I've now been rejected the last 6/7 times I've approached him in the last few weeks. Anyone else have any experience of this? Sorry if I've posted in the wrong place but I'm getting a bit desperate.

    Emmy

    I have exaclty the same problem, it usually ends up with me feeling unwanted, rejected, not good enough etc etc which them causes arguements. Im really interested to see what responces you get on this.

    The only thing that kindof helps with us is i insist on having a proper snog and grope everynight before bed, some times it kick starts his sex drive but most of the time nothing, but it does remind us both that we love and fancy eachother. i think maybe part of the problem is men are "supposed" to be up for it all the time, in reality i think theres alot of pressure for them, not only must they live up to this, us girls usually take more effort and attention to please sexually so they have to really be in the righ frame of mind or its either not enjoyable for either partner or he doesn't do a good enough or more attentive job, and then we'd get knarked with them, women ay. what are we like. No pleasing us is there

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    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi bananadelight,

    I think its pretty normal for sex drives to change over time, and for ladies it quite often gets higher as they get older, especially through the 30s, although you're not quite there yet. For guys, we are supposed to peak at 18 and go downhill from there on, but personally I haven't experienced that.

    There are a number of things that can effect sex drive in both sexes, including, stress, alcohol, and general fitness too.

    Is it possible any of these could be a factor?

    1293030006
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello Emmy and welcome to the forums!

    Sounds almost typical for this place - there are a few women here who's libido rocketed as the got older whereas men's libido (generally) lowers with age.

    It's worth - as MissO says - remembering that it's nothing personal when he doesn't want it. Easier said than done.

    It's also worth talking to him. For me, in my opinion, sex is the same as cuddles. If someone's partner refused to cuddle them it'd be judged as unfair, yet if a partner won't give sex then that's all fine and dandy and you're supposed to get used to it. In my opinion that's wrong - as part of a strong relationship you both need to work to provide for each other - be it cuddles, sex, happiness - we work to make each other happy. Whilst if he *really* feels dead set against it he shouldn't be forced, if he just isn't in the mood I don't think it's fair to deny you the intimacy.

    I have a low libido but get a lot of satisfaction from making my OH happy so I give him a blowjob every day and we "share" sex when *I'm* in the mood - it really works! I think it's important to maintain the intimacy in whatever way works best for you both and maybe he needs reminding that the strength and happiness of your relationship is both of your responsibility.

    There may be a reason that he's avoiding sex so you need to be tactful when you speak to him, ask if anything's making life difficult at the minute - is he stressed at work, suffering with tiredness, feeling insecure. You don't want to make him feel worse if he's already worrying but also you need to remind him that it's something important to you both.

    And the more you have the more you want! I rarely feel like sex but I'll initiate it if I'm in a "I could have sex" mood because I know once we've started I'll love it!

    This is all a bit jumbled - hope it makes sense!

    Adx

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    DesignDude [sign in to see picture]
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    bananadelight wrote:

    Hello,

    I'm new here and have been lurking for a little while to see if I can find discussion on my problem but having been a few pages through (learnt lots along the way :) ) I haven't really been able to find anything that I'm quite looking for. I just wanted to ask a question about male sex drive. I'm 28 and my OH a year older. As I have got older my sex drive has at least doubled and I could happily have sex 4/5 times a week (not too unreasonable??) but his has reduced a little to the point where he would be happy with 1/2 times a week max which has become a bit frustrating for me. Have other men found that their sex drive has reduced as they have got older? I'm just a bit worried that it might be me although I have tried to talk to him about it and he says it's not, it's just that he is tired/ill/headache. I always thought they were the stereotypical woman's excuses!! Feeling unsettled and very horny all the time. I've tried to talk about it, seduce him, sort myself out but at the end of the day I've now been rejected the last 6/7 times I've approached him in the last few weeks. Anyone else have any experience of this? Sorry if I've posted in the wrong place but I'm getting a bit desperate.

    Emmy

    I'm in a simila situation to your OH i'm afraid! I'm pretty sure the reason for me is stress! I'm trying to combat the problem by excercising and trying to stay positive but it can be hard sometimes (lol)!

    If he is in a similar position (stressful job etc) that may be the cause! The important thing is to try to talk about it and whatever you do don't take it personally!

    1293031086
    bananadelight [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for your replies. I'm glad I'm not alone Miss Orgasm although that doesn't help either of us very much!! I might try the 'grope and a snog' before bed. If I try to do this before bed it gets interpreted as wanting more which to be fair to him, I do tend to take it as so perhaps I'll make it clear that it doesn't have to go further than that if he's not up to it. I'd never thought much about the fact that men end up doing most of the work so I suppose yes that's bound to have an impact if he is tired or stressed.

    toycar - I don't think any of those reasons are affecting him but I will ask again, he's not always very open with me, but does usually let me know. we aren't big drinkers and he is fit as a fiddle, keen gym bunny and cyclist although he is a worrier so there might be something there? I think my sex drive has maybe changed as I've got older as I've become more comfortable with my sexuality, rather than thinking of sex as being a bit dirty and something I should only really do to make babies (that came from my parents/upbringing I'm afraid) I now know what I enjoy and really want to start enjoying it!

    Ad - I will try and talk about it with him but I don't want him to feel forced into anything, I want him to enjoy me if that makes sense rather than think he has to because its my right. I dont think I made things any better though as it was my birthday yesterday and I fancied some last night but he was tired and rather than just laugh and get on with it I lost my temper and shouted at him then cried. I was partly upset as I give him a blowjob whenever he asks for one so rather than full sex I asked him to go down on me and all I got was 'I'm not a toy'. I might have to do some damage limitation when he gets home later, I know I shouldn't have lost my temper. He's also aware that I masturbate every day, not that much, just once in the morning, especially if I don't get any the night before. I wonder whether him knowing that I do it is upsetting him? Would men be upset if they knew their other half was masturbating on their own, he's never said he is and usually makes a joke about it but I'm starting to wonder whether its getting to him.

    I hate all this, he used to be so randy all the time! In every other aspect he is the perfect man, he's very good at sex when we get going, he's affectionate, funny and gorgeous and I love him so much, I just want things to be perfect in the bedroom too :(

    1293033282
    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia D'amore wrote:

    Hello Emmy and welcome to the forums!

    Sounds almost typical for this place - there are a few women here who's libido rocketed as the got older whereas men's libido (generally) lowers with age.

    It's worth - as MissO says - remembering that it's nothing personal when he doesn't want it. Easier said than done.

    It's also worth talking to him. For me, in my opinion, sex is the same as cuddles. If someone's partner refused to cuddle them it'd be judged as unfair, yet if a partner won't give sex then that's all fine and dandy and you're supposed to get used to it. In my opinion that's wrong - as part of a strong relationship you both need to work to provide for each other - be it cuddles, sex, happiness - we work to make each other happy. Whilst if he *really* feels dead set against it he shouldn't be forced, if he just isn't in the mood I don't think it's fair to deny you the intimacy.

    I have a low libido but get a lot of satisfaction from making my OH happy so I give him a blowjob every day and we "share" sex when *I'm* in the mood - it really works! I think it's important to maintain the intimacy in whatever way works best for you both and maybe he needs reminding that the strength and happiness of your relationship is both of your responsibility.

    There may be a reason that he's avoiding sex so you need to be tactful when you speak to him, ask if anything's making life difficult at the minute - is he stressed at work, suffering with tiredness, feeling insecure. You don't want to make him feel worse if he's already worrying but also you need to remind him that it's something important to you both.

    And the more you have the more you want! I rarely feel like sex but I'll initiate it if I'm in a "I could have sex" mood because I know once we've started I'll love it!

    This is all a bit jumbled - hope it makes sense!

    Adx

    This is an excellent point, especially the bit about pleasing one partner, even if the other is not up for it, maybe worth mentioning to your OH, i have mentioned it to mine a couple of times and he refuses, if he does't want sex, he doesn't want it in any way shape or form, which i find very unfair, especially as he bitches about my rabbit constantly!

    But if i kept on at him, he'd probly give in and get me off, but heres the thing, i wouldn't want to them, id know it was only because i'd worn him down.

    It can be a very frustrating time, you just have to try and talk about it, even if it makes him feel like a failure or you feel unwanted, just keep reasuring eachother constantly and ask him what will help, my OH has asked me to completly not mention sex atall now, he says as soon as he hears the word he feels pressured, and even if he did want it, it'd be wiped out immediatly.

    xx

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    I guess that's what baffles me - for me - I feel I really *want* to make him happy and satisfy him so it doesn't cross my mind that me not being in the mood means no sex. If he suggests sex then I'm usually up for it even if I don't really feel like it. I do find WandA is more likely to outright refuse sex if he doesn't feel like it partly because it takes a lot for him to not feel like it so perhaps it's just a difference between men and women.

    I never feel like I have to do anything and certainly never feel like he expects it - but I really want to make him feel good so that's why I have sex even if I'm not in the mood!

    I find it's really important to remember how important your partner is to you and remember that relationships aren't meant to be easy - it's easy to take each other for granted but if we only ever do what *we* want then the other partner is going to get upset that they feel neglected. It's important to put a bit of effort into the relationship and it's especially important to *want* to put some effort in! Luckily me and WandA are on the same page with regards to that and due to long distance at the beginning we're excellent at communicating which makes the world of difference. It's worth working on good communication :)

    Adx

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    missorgasm [sign in to see picture]
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    indeed communication is the key. And obviously its upseting for both of you in different ways, so if one of you starts getting upset, irrate, angry, whatever and kind words aren't helping the situation, take a breather, have a few mins and go back to it later.

    Its frustrating, in my case im my own worst enemy, he's rejected me so many times now, i wont initiate it any more through fear of being hurt again, and when he does rarely instigate, i turn him down because i either feel he's just doing it to keep me from getting upset, or he's just decided hes horny and wants a bonk, in which case, why the hell should i if he cant do the same for me? And then i get upset again! it's actually a nightmare. this has been going on for about a year.......fortunatly, this is the only thing in our relationship that ever gets us upset lol!

    x

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    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think 4-5 times a week is too much and a don't think 1-2 times a week is too little, it's just about compatability. You need to find the right amount that is satisfying and enjoyable for both of you. At a guess maybe 3 times a week would work then you could indulge in some solo play the other times when you're horny?

    I have a ridiculously high sex drive so I sort of expect to get turned down and don't really mind when I do. My OH is very lovely about it, teases me for being a sex pest and if I'm super horny he'll kiss and stroke me while I play with myself.

    xxKPxx


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    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    I have exactly the opposite problem (= male..!). I am 'significantly' older than the OP, but still have a high sex drive. 4 to 5 times a week..? Yes please... Why not..! Go for it...!

    I sympathise with the male OH's whos sex drive has diminished. Not my experience though - and if I could fix this for anyone, I'm sure it would be a money spinner..!!

    I completely agree with KP, that you need to find a mutually compatible level of activity, that suits both halves. Failing to do so, just results in frustration, feeling unwanted, unloved, etc, etc.. Which is me... :-((

    Oh, never mind. There are other ways...

    SD

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    bananadelight [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all for the good advice, I am going to make sure we get talking properly,as, thinking about it most of the time when we 'talk' it's in the heat of the lost moment when I've tried it on and he's rejected me so not a good time really. KP I might try asking him to help me along the way if he's not in the mood and I want to sort myself out, doing it alone is nowhere near as good as doing it with someone I find so that would be nice and mean we are still close too. Will also ask for a good old bed time snog every night before we go to sleep but not with the expectation that it goes on to anything else.

    It's actually helped massively just being able to sit down and write the problem down and know that I'm not alone and that isn't actually me that's the problem. It's amazing how paranoid one can make oneself wallowing all alone in our problems!

    On the plus side, he text me at lunch time and said they were allowed to leave work early so I jumped in the shower for a quick wash, chucked some sexy undies on with some killer heels and waited on the bed for him. It went very well - I now know I don't have to worry that the sex drive is gone completely........ feeling much happier now. It also got me to thinking that perhaps I ought to make a bit more effort in the sexy stakes and maybe my bright pink PJs aren't as much of a turn on as I think they are!!

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    bananadelight [sign in to see picture]
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    God - I just re-read my post - I sound like a right plonker!!! Sorry

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    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    I am sure you are not a 'plonker'..! You write a lot of good sense.

    But.... bright pink pyjamas..? Not as bad a dull pink... (which I what I saw last night....). But still bad, IMHO..!

    Sexy undies & killer heels, though..... Who could refuse...?? (Not me...)

    SD

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    Mr Monster [sign in to see picture]
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    Just a thought -

    I find that with life in general being all stressy and mean I could really do with lots and lots of sex and intimacy and cuddles and comfort. But actually having sex? Especially as he's considerate and a bit of a worrier (like me, I hope)? Well, that's just too much of a performance!

    To have sex, for me, means unquestionably giving my partner what she wants (If I can work it out!), and preferably a good orgasm or three. It means thought and effort and, yes, hard work. If I'm feeling the need for sexual release, that's the price I have to decide whether I'm willing to pay. If I'm not already aroused, the answer can often be "no". I simply don't value my pleasure over the effort I'd need to put in to ensure hers.

    Maybe your man is going through something like that?

    If you can get him to just accept that whatever he's capable of is fine by you, maybe you'll get 4-5 pretty good sessions a week instead of the 1-2 he feels he can provide at top quality?

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    bananadelight [sign in to see picture]
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    Good point Mr monster, if you guys are tired it does take a lot of energy and when we do it he always wants to please me, not just take for himself which is good but lots of work for him. Will try out the half way point for a few weeks and see how that goes. Exx

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