• Relationship Advice

    Lou232 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 47
    • Joined: 22 Sep 2008

    Oh no, that's so sad! Doesn't necessarily mean things are taking a nose-dive. You've moved in together and are raising a child - most people find that makes things difficult. I wouldn't base your worries on the memory box though - he has kept them for a reason, namely that they are things he likes to remember. As an aside, it's awesome you can be cool about it! I'm ridiculous about my OH and his exes (for good reason, but hey). Well, I'm assuming you're OK with it - seems a little weird that he would keep that and show you, but if it works for you, I'll butt out.

    Have you chatted to him about all this? As in, does he know how you are feeling? It's entirely possible he is just stressed and tired and may be feeling exactly the same as you are. Sit down with him when you're both reasonably awake and have time to yourselves and just talk about it. Try to stay calm and explain what it is. Maybe suggest sending your child to parents / friends or something for the evening so you two can have some alone time.

    I think most people have felt like you at some point. You could chat to the Dr about changing meds OR just buy some seriously sexy lingerie from here and go with it. However as I can't follow that advice, do show me up! BDD is a killer, don't go down that road.

    Remember - communicate. People do find it hard to share their lives and homes, it is stressful. Make sure you spend time apart as well as together, that helps loads. And he hasn't "settled" for you - he loves you enough to live with you and your child! That's commitment - you just need to reignite the passion. Take care and good luck Lxx

    trulyscrumptious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2010

    BDD ? sorry im new here

    Well we have plenty of time apart he plays football twice a week, does martial arts and skateboards plus he works full time , im a full time student and spend a lot of time working as well as goin to the gym and spending time with my daughter.

    We still spend time with each other, my daughters dad has her fortnightly and my bf and i usually go out together or cinema , meal etc.

    Yeah the memory box thing is uncomfortable but im reasonable and its not all ex partner mementos!

    Well I spoke to him, as I have done many times which resulted in myself being upset and my partner being pissed off as he says he feels crappy for not being able to give me what I want. He says he loves me but his lack of passion towards me without sex. concerns me , he reckons he's trying his hardest and I just feel ungrateful.

    Ive tried underwear and its no use :( tbh its very hard to try something so spontaneous as surprising him with something naughty as he just isnt interested.

    Quite frankly other than making me upset it's making me bored, something in my mind thats very dangerous to a relationship.

    Lou232 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 47
    • Joined: 22 Sep 2008

    @TS (although the advise could be useful to anyone!) - Sorry I missed your post! BDD is body dismorphia disorder - it's pernicious and nasty and comes in many different strengths.

    Anyway, you sound like you are doing everything as well as you can. The only two things I can think of are to investigate non-aggressive communication techniques and look into relationship counselling. Non-aggressive communication works really well. When my OH and I first got together, he was very damaged by his ex and extremely hard to get through to if there was a problem - he got miserable and clammed up. We both worked hard on confidence and N-A communication. This is basically a way of talking. For example, if he hasn't done the washing up, instead of saying "why haven't you done the washing up?" you could say "Would you like a hand to wash up?". The first implies he is at fault, but doesn't suggest a solution. The second acknowledges that there is an issue, but suggests a practical solution without accusing. It is subtle and takes time - there are probably even better phrasings you could use.

    Actually, having practised it I use it a lot even now - it reduces confrontation. Relate might also help you two, although you will have to approach it carefully. You could also try doing an activity together, such as ballroom dancing. It's fun and needs you to be close to each other and work together without any pressure. I love it :) and I can go along with friends too because it's a neutral activity. Good luck! Lxx

    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 630
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2010

    My OH has come out of a very difficult relationship and it has taken time and will continue to for things to be where we would like it..she had real hang ups about sex particularly him coming inside here and at times he has had an issue with doing this with me and it was not until last night he explained all this the penny clicked in my mind .

    For a while i have wondered if it was me...was i not really the woman he wanted..was I to fat...( there are my issues remaining form a very abusive relationship) but last night we were lay in bed talking after I he had given me the most amazing orgasm but he had not come he just told me stuff I never knew ( I have actually known my OH for 21 yrs as friends and this is something he had never mentioned before)

    Talking about it was amazing and this morning we woke up and he was so much more relaxed we had hours of very early morning fun and let’s say there was no issue at all.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that really there are many issues that can affect sex drive, performance etc and it really is communicating about stuff that will help sort it.

    I thought the issues was about me but in reality it was nothing to do with me...

    I wish you both all the best xxx

    trulyscrumptious [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 4
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2010

    I have tried and tried talking to him.

    He told me I have two choices I either stay and hopefully he'll come out of it or I can leave.

    This doesn't leave me much sometimes when he says something like that it makes me think he'd quite like for me to leave.

    I love him and I don't want to leave him just over sex but its creating huge problems I feel like I'm doing all the running here and even if he's too tired for sex theres no excuse for everything else such as the fact that he never compliments me or makes an effort.

    I have come from an abusive relationship previously and I'm still dealing with some issues but I feel angry that he knows this and is making me feel this way.

    I know that might sound odd but it's hard to explain. :S

    Alphena [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 62
    • Joined: 10 Oct 2010

    Never give up on a relationship if you think its meant to be... we have had so many arguments and broken up twice, but we both got through it :)

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