Do I tell my husband about my toy?

I'm 54, have been married 27 years and have found that the menopause has, contrary to popular belief, sent my libido rocketing into the stratosphere. This is in contrast to my husband, who couldn't really be bothered these days. (He's 52) All we have is a brief, once fortnightly session without foreplay, which I feel is just him fulfilling his duty to me and giving himself relief.

I know I should talk to about it to him, but I can't,  so  bought my very first vibrator, a "Lady Lustfinger", to use when I'm alone. It arrived yesterday and I haven't tried it yet, but I don't know if I should tell my husband about it. I'm afraid he'll be offended or think I'm some kind of kinky nymphomaniac, but it's better than going with another man isn't it, which is something that has crossed my mind, if anyone would want me at my age!

hey and welcome to the site!

my advice is tell him most men/guys are kinda turned on by the idea and it could lead to him becomming more interested in sex again. Or even failing that he could just not be fased by it.

but i definatly think you should tell him whats the worst that could happen? that he tells you to get rid of it?

good choice btw a loverly toy great for a beginners. xxx

Actually the only person to know how he behaves is you! Most men don't care as long as you share with him. If you do tell him, you should allow him to control the situation. Men like to be in the control seat. Once this has gone out of the window, you can try this toy by yourself whenever.....

If you are so afraid of the jealous reaction or not. You could try this. Just an idea. Could the both of you just walk into an 'annsummers' one day? Pretend to look at lingerie and walk into the sex toy section. As his opinion? Something different and spice up the sex life?

Just don't pick up the biggest dildo you can imagine, otherwise, he will think you are telling him something.

You should just go for the smallest toy like a bullet vibrator and this is definitely less intimidating. Get some lingerie at the same time.

Eventually, you can build up the sex toy supply later.

Hi Sally and welcome to the OA.

I would chat to your husband and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Explain to him that you didn't buy the toy to replace him but to enhance your your sex life. You could suggest that you use it together. You never know, he might just surprise you!

Good luck. x

All great advice!

Welcome and congratulations on your new toy.

Hi Sally !

Welcome !

I would tell him . You have a long and successful marriage and I assume this has somewhat been based upton trust and honesty ?

What you are doing isn't wrong or nasty at all. And as has already been said, he may like it ....

I have an idea - Perhaps you could use it on yourself whilst orally pleasing him ? I like this, it pleases us both. As I say, just an idea. x

sexy little minx wrote:

Hi Sally and welcome to the OA.

I would chat to your husband and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Explain to him that you didn't buy the toy to replace him but to enhance your your sex life. You could suggest that you use it together. You never know, he might just surprise you!

Good luck. x

Actually, I think this is better than my idea

I would say tell him, if he found out along the line he might feel really bad that you didn't tell him and it might make him upset and insecure, not worth the heartache it could cause.

just explain as you have to us, that the menopause has caused your sex drive to sky rocket and that you understand he is satisfied with what is going on but you need that little extra something.

You could suggest that you use it together but that would be after you have judged his reaction!

Btw excellent choice ;]

VW x

What you are doing is finding a solution to an increased sex drive caused by alterations in the hormone level without hurting him. Thus you are thinking about the health of your marriage and have his wellfare in mind. I suggest telling him, cheerfully that because you a higher libido for the moment you are trying out a toy (let's face it, they were originally used by the medical profession for 'hysteria'), perhaps a friend suggested it and you thought it was worth trying? The less like a giant penis the introductory toy is the more likely he is to be open to the idea and do remember that there are many different shapes and types around, even within the bullet type. Trust him with this as you've trusted him with much of the rest of your sex life. May even encourage him to reach for the viagra ;)
Far better he finds out from you at the outset than stumbles across it and perhaps being hurt that you couldn't mention it or were secretive and hiding the addition. Emphasise that it's just the effect of the menopause, not a failing on his part and depending on his reaction you could offer to use it with him watching or participating. Bear in mind that there are also remote control vibrators available and I don't know about yours but most men I know like remotes.

You are not 'a nymphomaniac'  or abnormal and have chosen not to go off with another man to satisfy the libido. I hope that when the menopause gets me I react the same way

Good advice there from Vampyrewillow and slm.

I've never tried the lust finger myself but have heard good things about it, especially for 'vibrator virgins', if vibes don't do it for you however there are non-peniset didos etc to explore.

p.s, Welcome to the OA

Hi Sally and welcome to lovehoney

Excellent choice of toy. I have to agree with the others, honesty is the best policy in my opinion.  Weigh up his reaction if you tell him - like others have said the worst he can do is demand you get rid of it.  What about his reaction if you don't tell him and he finds it by accident.  He's more likely to be hurt by the latter.

It's great that you've found a solution to satisfy your high libido at the moment.  If I were you i'd just explain to him that you love him very much but you have needs, you didn't want to pressure him / hurt him so have found a harmless solution.  You never know, it might be something he is willing to explore with you, who knows what it could lead to!

Do let us know how you get on, I hope it goes ok and here's hoping it is the re-awakening of your sex life!

SN x

We don't know how your husband will respond and feel but I imagine he'd feel rather bad if he found out you hadn't told him.

Perhaps a little LH shopping spree is in order together?

Shopping together is a great idea, its one of the things that brought me and my fella closer. 

Lets turn it around - imagine you found he had a sex toy and had hidden it from you.  I'm sure you'd rather him come to you and discuss it, I know I would anyway.  Let us know how it goes xx

I think that you should tell him but I'm concern that he seems to be quite selfish in his treatment of you and your needs. Why doesn't he want more sex with you?

Hi Sally, welcome to the forum

Perhaps you could get a vibrating cock ring to use during a 'fortnightly session'.

They are non-intimidating and it would be a way of introducing vibratey things without your husband feeling left out, or that he's being replaced.

If he responds positively to that, then you can safely introduce other toys.......

Happy shopping!

My OH and I don't have regular sex and he is aware that I own lots of sex toys. But there is no pressure there what-so-ever. He knows I use them and he knows I enjoy them, but I don't reach for a jessica rabbit from under the bed and say "Hey hun, fancy giving me a hand tonight?" cuz I feel thats when akwardness will arise. He doesn't really know what I own, unless I show him it as soon as I get it just from excitement of getting a new toy, after that it dissapears from his sight and he never really sees it again.

We have never really discussed it, but if he had a problem with me using toys, I'm sure he would mention something. Sometimes I get a little anxious when I'm using them that he will 'catch me in the act' or hear me from the other room, but otherwise, he doesn't really know when I use them and he doesn't ask. It's kind of a non-verbal agreement. He knows I have them, and thats all he wants to know really.

The thought of trying to introduce them in to our relationship has crossed my mind a few times and I have a cock ring that is sitting in the drawer still unused as I can't quite pick up the courage to persuade him to use a sex toy.. Not 100% sure why though..

If it were my fiance and me in this situation, I'ld rather know than find out later.

If you've been together this long I'm sure as hell a sex toy isn't going to upset the apple kart!

Not all men are intimidated or threatened by sex toys, So you never know, he may surprize you ;)

You know him better than any of us so do you think what has been said so far will help?

Wishing you all the best, P ;)

SeduceUsNow wrote:

If it were my fiance and me in this situation, I'ld rather know than find out later.

If you've been together this long I'm sure as hell a sex toy isn't going to upset the apple kart!

Not all men are intimidated or threatened by sex toys, So you never know, he may surprize you ;)

You know him better than any of us so do you think what has been said so far will help?

Wishing you all the best, P ;)

Iagree i would like to know soon if something you desired is within my capabilities It happened to us for a while then we turned each other on again with fresh ideas and a little help from lovehoney too so let him know that you would like a bit more fun then you have been getting it might be what he was waiting to hear

Hello an welcome to the OA, i'm not sure what you will think of this but this is what i would do, i would buy him a toy and some other little bits, lubes, massage oil, anything else that you fancy, put it all in a box and wrap it up and give it him to open have a nice meal and a bottle of wine first and i'm sure he would love it! xxxx

Ilovemyman wrote:

Hello an welcome to the OA, i'm not sure what you will think of this but this is what i would do, i would buy him a toy and some other little bits, lubes, massage oil, anything else that you fancy, put it all in a box and wrap it up and give it him to open have a nice meal and a bottle of wine first and i'm sure he would love it! xxxx

This is a good idea too

 Hi there welcome to the forums.

The best thing to do here is just talk to each other about it. Most likely he'll be ok with it even maybe get him excited about it. Put a show on for him, mutual play, etc. Can really spice up your life.