How do you explain kink / BDSM to a newbie?

Theres a book 'When Someone You Love Is Kinky' - Dossie Easton. I've flipped through it and it seemed pretty ok. I did the book giving thing a couple of years ago and it sat at the bottom of a drawer forever, so that might not be the way to go. 

For a conversation about clothing type fetishes(rubber\pvc\leather) you could go down the route of saying - you know people like long hair\tight jeans\shiny leggings etc. Some people REALLY like things like that etc. 

BDSM - you could portray it as grownup versions of kids games. Doctors & Nurses, simple tie ups. 

My 2p is start simple and find out what she really doesn't like. Perhaps you could open a conversation with something like 'Is there anything unusual you would like to try in sex?'. Even if she responds with a negative then shes bound to bounce the question back to you. 

AdnaW wrote:

I find - often the way to get into a "new" kink, is to have the suggestion planted in my mind (be it by a person suggesting it, or seeing it online or whatever) with no pressure to comment on my opinion of it...then to leave it. If it interests me I will usually end up coming back to it quite quickly as a "yes that's something I could try in the future" sort of thing.

As for reasons for bondage and the likes...for me it's trust and intimacy. Knowing I can trust my partner to use "weapons" on my body is thrilling and it's so relaxing being able to switch your brain off and let someone else make all the plans and control the situation completely!

Ax

All good advice on here - think AdnaW sums it up best.  I know that my OH first made a comment about being restrained, and when I then produced our first set of cuffs she wasn't exactly shocked.  Maybe it helps if they have sub tendencies, but key thing is to listen to her feedback for clues, and look at it from her side.  I she does not  want it herself , she will not do it, regardless of how you approach it.

I also fully agree with the comments on trust from everyone else

 The practice of BDSM is an incredibly personal thing. Whether D or s, there are way too many explanations, justifications and desires hinged on four letters, all of which vary in content. 

I find the idea of 'explaining' BDSM to be curious. In a factual sense, the practices can be advised of in stark detail, painting a confusing perspective. The psychological connotations are deep-rooted and uniquely personal to every individual who is drawn to some form of BDSM lifestyle. Attempting to append any form of label or explanation to the same would be akin to trying to fit an entire compendium of every psychological case study on the subject into a pamphlet. It isn't possible and it's simply confusing to try.

For example, I met a chap when away on holiday who openly explores BDSM with his partners. We looked back through his past experiences and psychology and without wishing to explain the ins-and-outs of what was a very frank and deep discussion on a very personal subject, his reasons for being aroused by seeing a woman upset are the key to his fetishistic desires and practices. His reasons for lusting after this kind of scenario are probably quite different from the reasons anyone here would enjoy the same.

It's very easy to explain fetishistic entanglement with blinkered eyes - to take an archetype such as 'Venus in Furs' or 'The Story of O' and translate it into layman's terms on a very base psychoanalytical level. In fact, it's such portrayals that can create the one-track, filtered garbage that the vox pox spools through various media streams. I don't mean to discount the importance of literature - fact and fiction - in the BDSM realm, I'm very respectful of it. But one text, one interpretation and several loose tangents later, and suddenly 'Preaching To The Perverted' becomes an accurate account of the BDSM lifestyle or the sadistic stylings of many a horror film accurately convey the sick and twisted minds that MUST be behind anyone who practices any more than a light spank during sex and the occasional wrist restraint with a discarded office tie.

My suggestion is to avoid all explanations that do not revolve around you and your interests. Don't try and give a mass overview of all that is intrinsically BDSM/FETISH/D/s - just explain you, what makes YOU tick. It's likely that it's all she really wants to know, how to do things YOUR way. If it isn't painful to explain why, or indeed if you have discovered the full story behind your desires, share that too. The best way she can understand your fetish is to understand you, they are one-in-the-same in certain scenarios and she's already aware of that.

Sounds like a perfect sub in the making, good luck.

x

KinkyWolf wrote:

My 2p is start simple and find out what she really doesn't like. Perhaps you could open a conversation with something like 'Is there anything unusual you would like to try in sex?'. Even if she responds with a negative then shes bound to bounce the question back to you. 

I can see the value in this (as you don't want to jump into something that terrifies her) but I disagree. If you'd have asked me 2 years ago I'd have hated the idea of ball-gags - look far too scary. But having explored restraints, flogging, spanking and whipping my eyes have been opened and I kinda like the idea of getting one. I would tend to agree with the comments thus far that suggest you explore gently with her.

I'd also avoid putting any fixed ideas into her head - you might block something that her innocent eyes might offer you an insight to. (As an experienced dabbler in BDSM you may have become set in your ways - she might have a whole new exciting take on it).

You have experience of this kind of play but you don't have experience of it with her. Therefore it's new to both of you.  Enjoy!

I think the best way to start is to show her tbh. Start with blindfolds and cuffs maybe hot wax and massage, she will soon realise how it heightens your senses and makes orgasms even more explosive!! Then move onto gags, ticklers and then whips and paddles etc. x

ps Get the book an education of victoria.... has a fair bit in it which she may find arousing and want to try out herself http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=12979 x

Not really sure where to put this, just came across it on a random wiki spree:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algolagnia

Apparently there is a physiological reason some people actually do enjoy pain. This should shut up the prudes who think enjoying a bit of kink is a sign of a bad childhood or what not.

Yep.. Tis true.. I read some interesting stuff about it ages ago.

Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

Yep.. Tis true.. I read some interesting stuff about it ages ago.

That explains that weird Ad one then...

Huh?

Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

Huh?

Joke. She gets off on some things I would consider painful. Strange girl.

Yeah, Thats more physical than physcological though, sorta.. But yeah, it's the same kind of thing really.

It's quite strange how there are two different types of people who love pain. There are the people who actually enjoy the sensation of pain, and there are the type who enjoy pain as a form of being controlled. They dislike the pain, but enjoy the underlining of it.

Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

Yeah, Thats more physical than physcological though, sorta.. But yeah, it's the same kind of thing really.

Yeah, physiological not psychological, the physical make up.

As you say there is a mental and physical parts to pain, fascinating and almost incomprehensible for those on the other side.

Yeah, all that sort of stuff really fascinates me! Spesh with fetishism.

I would have taken psycology at shcool but the teacher was unbearably boring!

Start off light little things then ease her into the world of BDSM, and she if she likes t or not. Don't pander her though only makes sure she is comfortable with it all.

I found this website very good and it explained a lot. http://www.altsubmission.com/beginner.html