• Asexual?

    missyrics [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 19
    • Joined: 28 Mar 2010

    things havnt changed :( were going to relate now though, hopefully it will make a differance, thanks guys xx

    toycar69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 844
    • Joined: 13 Jul 2010

    Hi missyrics,

    I've just read this thread for the first time, as it all went on before I joined the OH. I think you'll find that there are lots of people on here with issues with their partners, so I hope you don't feel like you are alone in this. It sounds like you really love your bloke, as a lot of people would have given up by now.

    Stay strong, I hope Relate can help you out. It really seems that its professional help he needs, so I think you are doing the right thing.

    Good luck!

    Lou232 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 47
    • Joined: 22 Sep 2008

    Hey Missyrics, I read the thread and I'm so sorry for what you are going through! I have depression as a result of ME and it's very common in my family - it has ripped two of my uncle's lives apart. Therefore I feel I can talk about it both as a sufferer and observer. Three years is a very long time. You have done really well by sticking by him and managing to get him to counselling, so keep at it. However, you have to be realistic. It is possible that he may not be able to recover fully - currently he seems to have given up and you need to decide how you will react to this.

    n the case of my uncles, their wives stuck by them for a while. Then they started being badly affected by what was going on and developed some symptoms of depression themselves. They then left - both straight into other relationships which obviously had been going on for some time. I will never see them or some of my cousins again. The effect on my uncles was terrible - alcoholism, retreat and trying to cut off from us, partly due to the loss of their families but also a lot to do with the horrors of the last few months of their relationships - people can only take so much so long. Obviously you don't want that for yourself or your OH. This is all completely true, and it has devastated my family.

    I do hope that counselling works for you both, but I do think you need to be very careful. Of course you love and care about this man, that is obvious but you also need to look after yourself. It seems that talking doesn't work so well, no matter how hard you try. From his point of view, he will be numb. In the pits, nothing seems to matter and no one can get through. It's very hard to get out of there - you need to find something to hold onto. Even so, it is not fair that he should expect you to relish a relationship with no contact - humans fundamentally need it and that lack (which was present in both of my uncles' marriages - never so much as a touch of the hand) can lead to bad places - self hatred, even infidelity. I'm not saying that you will in any way, I'm speaking from my experience of this.

    Counselling is good. Try to keep regular and strong contact with friends and family, don't let that break down, you will need it. Little things may help - sit close to him when he's on the PS3, or try to play games with him, gently touch his arm when talking to him, even put his arm around you when in bed. It's not much, but it is contact and may help a little bit. Otherwise, try to look after yourself. If you really need contact, book a spa day and have a massage - it is non-sexual and completely neutral (don't use a friend for this reason) but it will relax you and make you feel good about yourself which you will need. Make time to be selfish to yourself - you can't look after him if you are run ragged. Bubble baths are there for a reason! Most of all, keep trying. You're an angel and hopefully he will realise this soon!

    Sorry for the long post, I'm very passionate about this subject! Take care and remember - love and happiness start within ourselves. If you cannot love and be happy yourself, you cannot help others do the same. *big friendly hugs* Lxx

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