Asexual?

HELP!
Im 23 and my fiance is 25, weve been toegther for 4 years. he doesnt have any interest in sex or my needs! ive tried spicing things up but he just doesnt want or need sex anymore, its not just sex its intamacy as a whole, its been over a month since we properly kissed and it was never like this before, its been like this for about 3 and 1/2 years, we came back from thailand holiday and he sunk into depression, the doc gave him tablets for it but its been 3 years and he still doesnt have any interest in me, its upsetting cuz i worry that maybe he is with someone else or has hidden guilt or just doesnt like me like that anymore, its killing me cuz i love him dearly but i cant spend my life feeling like im unwanted, he knows all o this and knows i need affection and intimacy but he just says its who he is now and i have to accept it, he has also said he int happ being this way so if not for me i want him to change for himself, hes even considered that he may be asexual! i dunno what to do , ive tried doctors and books, hundreds of books! im scared that as shallow as i sound, this is tearing us so far apart that i may not be able to hold our relationship together much longer. i cant even remember the last time he gave me sexual attention but i know it would have only lastes aprox 5 min cuz he left it so long.
 i cant stand rejection anymore. anyone got any ideas? thanks guys

Awww hun, this is really difficult!

I'm really sorry to say, but he doesn't even sound willing to try and get things back on track for the sake of your relationship.  Does he even acknowledge there's a problem?  If he doesn't then there's no chance of it being fixed.  The first step is for him to recognise the way he has become and how it is making you feel and the impact it is having on your relationship.

Have you ever suggested you go and see a sex therapist or a counsellor together?  Extreme but could potentially save your relationship!!  I'd suggest getting in touch with Relate

http://www.relate.org.uk/sex-therapy/index.html

You have nothing to lose by trying it, but sooo much to gain!

Does he know how strongly you feel?  Does he know a potential consequence of this problem may be that he loses you? It may snap him out of it. 

Also, check the side effects of any medication he is taking, as many medications can decrease sex drive dramatically.  If this is the case, get him to consult his doctor for an alternative.

I hope you manage to sort things chick (((hugs)))

Hiya, i agree with what SN said. Is he still on antidepressants? Did anything happen while you were in thailand that could have caused it? Hugs xxxx

he is still on anti depressants, nothing happened in thailand it was just a holiday, we got engaged i guess thats the only thing that changed as far as i know, i do worry that maybe something happened without me knowing and its the guilt thats made him changed, hes been on and off his anti depressants for the last few years but nothing seems to change, he knows how strongly i feel and his response is ''i dunno what to do about it'' ive spelt it out very bluntly but he says he cant force himself to be intimate with me and just makes me feel shallow for reconsidering out future together jsut for the sake of sex but i cant stress enough that its not just sex its intimacy as a whole, id kill for body contact!

I think councilling may be the way forward, he's gonna hate the dea of talking to someone else about our probs but  i think im gonna have to lay it on the line and say if he doesnt at least start showing that he wants to help im gonna need to go and rethink my future.

Thanks guys, that link is really helpful

xxxx

It does seem as though counsellig may be your only viable option - you seem to have tried everything else!!  I can understand why he may be hesitant about talking to a third party about your lack of sex life/intimacy but he must be at least willing to give it a go.  If he isn't willing to try then that says to me he just doesn't want to save what the two of you have.

I understand what you mean when you say you feel shallow - but while sex is certainly not the most important component of a relationship, it is certainly a big one.  It is what seperates 'just being friends' from 'being a couple'.  And as for intimacy.........hun I don't know how you've managed so long without it, it would kill me!

What happens when you try to initiate some cuddling?  I'm thinking, maybe forget about the sex part for not and focus on the intimacy, as this may encourage the sex part to return.  Stress to him that you just want a kiss and a cuddle, nothing more, and how he reacts.  I would hope he could manage that?

I do hope you manage to sort it out.  If you don't and you have tried every possible avenue, please don't feel guilty about ending your relationship.  Remember you have needs and you deserve to be happy.

xxxx

Depression itself can cause a lack of sex drive (or a vastly increased sex drive). Antidepressants can cause lack of sex drive as well (or just an inability to have orgasms in men). 

Some people have reported that different antidepressants have differing effects on the libido. Could he get some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? This has a high success rate on depression.

Antidepressants can take a long time (5 weeks) to take effect and to purge out of his system, you might need to give it some time if he does come off or switches drugs.

I've been depressed and it is not nice at all. For me, what helped was taking B vitamins each day. 

I hope you do get it sorted out. You have needs and requirements too. 

Lots of good suggestions here so I won't add more but I do want to say....do not feel shallow for wanting (needing) sex from your partner, sexual compatability is as important a part of a relationship as "regular" compatability and it is not shallow to require this.

A partner should fulfill your relationship needs regardless of whether they are sexual or "ordinary", If they don't - you are not in the right relationship and if this had occured at the beginning many people would say "oh well, I guess you two aren't just suited to each other - you'll find someone next time". Except this hasn't occurred from the beginning - he's changed. He was the right man for you, and is now different in some way. As a partner he owes you the effort to rectify this problem. If it is not rectifiable - well, that's a different question.

The other point is - if he is not the man you want to live your life with now at this moment in time - maybe he shouldn't be your fiance until this problem is rectified but feel free to tell me to shut up here. Maybe suggesting this to him would give him the kick up the bum he needs, maybe it would send him deeper into depression, you're best to judge.

Ax

I am coming out of a severe depression - it menat I was pensioned off by the company I worked for (I'm only 43!) because I couldn't work in the high pressure environment I was in. Even now I'm careful not to over do it. Obviously I was on antidepressants - I refused at first but when I disappeared for 24 hours and found by the police I was marched up to the Drs by  friend and told I wasn't leaving until I'd got a prescription!

They are a life saver .... literally

BUT

They play merry hell with libido. I rarely initiate sex now - but enjoy it when it happens. It's almost as if it slips my memory. At least with my current pills I can ejaculate - I couldn't even do that on my first ones.

People with depression (that is far too small a word for that illness) need a vast amount of sympathy, understanding and, perhaps above all else, patience.
I hope you would understand if he had say, cancer. Mental illness is different in that we look ok - often very well. But it is an illness - one from which we can recover, but which takes its own time.

I'ver had 3 years of therapy (don't get caught up with CBT necessarily - the figures indicate it's not substantially more successful than other types of talking therapies) and I'm coming out of it now. But my wife has gone through hell - and there is no guarantee it's over yet. It will probably be with me for life now. During my illness I HATED my wife and blamed her for everything (quite wrongly) Our sense of the world gets distorted - that's why I said those with depression need patience.

If you truly love him you will find the strength to keep going. Yes a relationship should be mutually satisfying. But when it isn't for a time - often a long time - do we simply turn our backs on those who need us to be strong for them? If the answer is yes, then I would have been a suicide statistic. My wife's strength is formidable. But now she is seeing the results - I hope !!

And FFS do not confront him - he won't understand. We (I) couldn't just 'pull myself together'. It is impossible.

But you're right in that support for 'carers' is appalling. Try getting in touch with MIND - they might be able to point you in the right direction - or speak to your GP - s/he will know where to go.

Sorry I feel very strongly that mental illness is often seen by thjose fortunate enough not to suffer from it as somehow less serious than physical illness. It's results are just as devastating and those who become mentally ill are no more to blame than those with physical conditions.

i would be ok in not having sex with him, i miss kissing and cuddleing more than anything, to feel like i have a partner again and not just a flat mate. ive had depression since i was 13 and i know how hard it can be and ive given him so much patience but i feel as though i am the only one who wants the situation to improve, he seems to be comfortable in the way he is! ive contacted a counciler in the area and im gonna go for a consultation, even if i have to go alone and maybe learn by myself how to rectify things, the service isnt free which is a pain so its prob gonna be a while before i get there, its hard to get time off for him too which doesnt help, i feel like its every corner i turn i find a really huge wall to climb or a dead end but then i guess nothing worth having is easy to get. its been over three years since i had an adult  full time relationship with my partner and its hard, its hard cuz when i feel like he doesnt want me, there always seems to be someone else wanting to give me attention and i turn it down every time, just to go back to feeling neglected again.. ill keep you guys posted, thanks for the advice

Best of luck with the counsellor, I do hope he/she can help you work things out.  Keep us posted! xx

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Reading my post over, I realise it kind of says "leave your man if he isn't good enough" that's not what I was saying!

Just want to clarify that my point was - it might be best not to be engaged to a person who isn't who you want to spend your life with right now but if you see that that person will re-emerge with time, then staying in a relationship is a good option.

I think that a person who is aware of their problem can make effort to rectify it, I also think that illnesses aren't excuses and you shouldn't be expected to stick around - you should stick around because you love him and you want to help him, but he shouldn't expect you to. His illness is his responsibility - but you choose to help him because you love him and he should be incredibly grateful for that!

It seems like your fiance is a very lucky man to have a partner like you Missyrics and I'm sure with work you two will sort this out

Your partner should *want* to work this out for you. You can get councilling on the nhs too - see your GP for a referal. Only downside is you may have to wait a little longer.

Good luck

Ax

Uh oh - don't know what all that crap at the top is haha sorry about that - saved my post to word when a friend arrived so may be the formatting from that!

Ax

haha, the wonders of technology, tbh ive thretened to leave him before and it doesnt seem to make much difference to him cuz he just doesnt know what to do, if i do leave him it wont be because i wanna have sex with someoe, itll be for my own sanity, hes left me questioning everything about myself, my weight, my looks, everything about myself which aint good, rejection never hurt so much until its from someone you truely love! 

Hiya Missyrics! Not been on much lately so missed your question. Welcome to the forums (a tad late but there you go!)

Wow what a dilemma girl. You're only very young to be not having intamacy and affection as well as sex. I would imagine you've tried wearing sexy underwear, massaging him, trying to goad him into intamacy by whatever means possible? Has he been to see his GP, tried taking any medication be it herbal, prescribed to help or hormone treatment to boost his libido? And of course as you have mentioned councilling. If he's willing to exhaust every single last avenue in order to try to improve things fair enough but. . . .if he is unwilling to exhaust every avenue in my own opinion that would be totally unfair to yourself and your feelings, wants and needs. What's stopping him from just making sure you orgasam even if he doesn't? I know some would find that hard to compute but at least he would be addressing your need for some intamacy at least. Human beings require intamacy in order to function properly and the longer you go without it you either go crazy for it (like you are) or it knocks the stuffing out of you and you just accept it as that's just the way it is and nobody wants the latter I believe. Does your bloke believe in repairing things or just using and using them till they become completely broken beyond repair? I would suggest a little care and attention after 3+half years of nothing will go a long way into looking after and fully restoring your relationship. If he can't do that I (me that is of course) would definitely be looking for somebody who could in the cold hard light of day.  You're only young Missyrics if you can't get what you want and there is no other comprimise you've got to move on as life is way way too short girl.

You sound like a great girl, your fella is lucky to have you. Best of luck.

SG x

Ps- Did you ever get married after the engagement?

I think that a person who is aware of their problem can make effort to rectify it, I also think that illnesses aren't excuses and you shouldn't be expected to stick around - you should stick around because you love him and you want to help him, but he shouldn't expect you to. His illness is his responsibility - but you choose to help him because you love him and he should be incredibly grateful for that!

God ... so much to say about his post. But I will content myself with the short version!

1. When you are mentally ill you cannot be aware of their problem. That's the point. you're ill but you don't know it. 

2. Illnesses aren't excuses ... hmmm. Not excuses but they are reasons... see above ...! Please TRY AND UNDERSTAND. Mental illness is a not an excuse, it's as real as any physical illness.

3. You're right though to say you stay because you love him. Anytihng else is patronisng. IMVHO ...

4. Yes he should be grateful, but he can only be grateful when he's recovered and he knows whats what.. So don;t look for gratitude / rationality now. It won't / can't happen

Sorry if I seem too strident, but my experiences and those of my wife leave little room for tolerance of misunderstandings ...

I should say my thoughts are with you and I really hoe it works out for you both. The rewards I hope will be worth the pain at the moment as you stick with him.

Good luck

were still only engaged, were in no hurry tbh, want it to be perfect and not rushed. ve tried horney goat weed, daminana and fennugreek. ive worn every type of underwear, ive offered the ordinary, the not so ordinary, ive offered hookers, threesomes, allsorts!!  he has also has a testosterone  test which came back fine, ive tried leaving it and not mentioning it, ive tried putting on the pressure, when it comes to making me orgasm and not him,... he says he cant be bothered and that he is too tired, he is really uncomfy about sex toys too so its not as if i can even diy! he says i should be happy with just him, and i want to be but.... i have a fairly healthy sex drive for a girl of my age i mean 4 times a week would be ideal yet i cant even diy now, ive been very nearly 2 months since i had any action at all and it makes me frustrated, not just that but its making me insecure about myself and my body... he doesnt see this as his problem as he is happy...he says its my problem!

on another note, have y0u guys seen the new we vibe 2!? 

ive suffered with depression for nearly 10 years but i guess everyones different. i just find it hard to help someone who wont help themselves, theres only so much i can say to him, i have forced him to go to the doctors a few times and i cant help but feel like his carer or his mum by constantly trying to help him help himself! 

how do you help someone who wont help themselves, im scared that by the time he finally comes to that ill be so miserable and unhappy that i just wont feel the same way about him... not only that but he knows how much hurt this is causing me and doesnt seem to give a dam yet i bend over backwards to save him from himself :(