• Self Destruction of Relationships

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    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey there,

    Ive been separated from my ex hubby now for nearly 10 years and only really seen a couple of guys on and off throughout that time and had alot of guy friends which i was a little naive about their fellings.

    Late last year I met this new guy who absolutely swept me off my feet. My problem is that as I have always had terrible luck with guys i really didnt believe he would stick around. This meant that i still kept in touch with some of the other guys and saw them occasionally.

    Around the start of August I finally managed to convince myself that he was definately a keeper and really did love me and let him fully into my family, meeting my children, mum and brother.

    However disaster struck a couple of weeks ago when he accidentally found messages I sent to these other guys and realised I hadnt only been seeing him.

    In his amazing way he didnt seem to phased by it saying that it would have been differnet if he had found out and i was still seeing the guys.

    I have tried to just move on from it but he wanted to know all the details of when and where id seen them etc and when id last slept with them but i felt this was a bit sick of him to ask.

    Ive always known in my heart I wanted him and only him but my head i think was trying to give me a fallback in case as i expected he just left me and i really would be devastated without him in my life.

    What does everyone think?

    H

    xx

    1477839075
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there. Welcome to the forum.

    Personally I don't think it was "sick" of him to ask for details. He obviously likes you a lot too as he didn't run for the hills when he discovered that you weren't exclusive like he had thought. To be honest you could have put him at risk of catching STI's so I think he deserves to know more about the situation.

    I think you need to have a frank, open and honest discussion with him so you both know where you stand. If you decide you both want to be in an exclusive relationship together then you will have to let the other guys know you won't be seeing them again so that you can focus on your relationship and give things a chance to develop.

    Good luck :)

    1477839526
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand you feeling that this new guy may turn out like all the rest, and there should be no problems with you keeping in touch with past " friends" but I feel you should have been open with him, about having male friends. The other guys would have known you were not serious with them, guys do the same kind of thing, it's not a crime to keep your options open, as long as you weren't making promises you never intended to keep.

    He should not be asking you for all the past ins and outs, that sounds a bit like the shock of the way he found out. he's just trying to make sense of you, to see if he can still trust you, reasure him of how you now feel about him. I think you should tell him thoses guys are in the past now he can see that, tell him he can see when he became important to you from your messages stopping. And to please trust you now. say you a sorry for not being open with him, but that you have been let down so much, but that you now know it was a mistake, made out of fears from past experiences.

    It can be so hard to put all your trust in one person, if you keep having that trust broken over and over.

    1477839957
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    lmh95 wrote:

    Hi there. Welcome to the forum.

    Personally I don't think it was "sick" of him to ask for details. He obviously likes you a lot too as he didn't run for the hills when he discovered that you weren't exclusive like he had thought. To be honest you could have put him at risk of catching STI's so I think he deserves to know more about the situation.

    I think you need to have a frank, open and honest discussion with him so you both know where you stand. If you decide you both want to be in an exclusive relationship together then you will have to let the other guys know you won't be seeing them again so that you can focus on your relationship and give things a chance to develop.

    Good luck :)

    IMH95 thanks for your thoughtful reply, i really appreciate it. By the time BF had found out about the other guys I had already told them I was with him and it was exclusive, do you think that helps?

    1477840330
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia thanks for your message. I have told him those guys were in the past and he actually said he could tell they were which is why he wasnt as upset about it as he expected he should be after thinking about it if that makes any sense. He says this way it does make him feel like he properly won my heart.

    I do feel terrible that i did it, i have a counsellor due to some horrible issues of the past who actually said this kind of thing is quite common after having such a traumatic time with guys before, tho I must stress im not looking for excuses.

    I have told BF that I only slept with one of the guys early into our relationship and that I was technically dating when we met. when i said it i know it sounded awful and like i was such a player or sly bitch but it really wasnt meant to be. Ive never felt like i did from the moment i met BF before and in some ways needed the reasurrance over time that he wasnt just gonna get into my knickers and break my heart. I cant forgive myself tho. I also told him that i slept next to the guys later in the relationship but not with, and i know the messages he read whilst uncomfortable did demonstrate i was kind of holding them at arms length and in fact they were telling me off for never being in touch anymore etc

    1477840973
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Just be totally open and honest with him from now on.

    I have trouble trusting too, I have been in an abusive relationship. I have developed this bad habit of chasing people away, if I feel things are looking like more than friends. Only I don't realise what I have done until after. So I end up doing the FWB thing instead, when thats not what I want.

    1477841390
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    My problem was, having grown up with mostly males around me i had no idea many of these friends wanted more until they out of the blue declared there undying love for me and i was like holy crap!!

    BF was always different right from the start.

    1477842709
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    That's good that you had already cut ties with them when you realised that your feelings were getting serious for him. That does make a difference.

    As Alicia said just be totally honest and open from now on and try to accept that what's in the past is history. You can't change it now but you can learn from it and move on.

    There are many good guys in this world and it looks like you've found yourself one of your own. Enjoy each other and good luck for the future :)

    1477845683
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    My take on this is at the time you were single right ? That gives you licence to spread your net as you feel fit to get you the results that you need as a singleton.. So obviously a certain amount of over lap is normal as he was one of these potential guys you wanted to snare in your haul. It sounds as though he has accepted this view poinwithout any quibble .. As long as you now behave as a person who is taken then I cannot see a problem and which you all the best in your new relationship.

    1477846335
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    We never had that "are we now bf / gf or exclusive" conversation but i kinda avoided the point and he just assumed we were.

    I just worry that because he wanted to know all the detail its gonna come back and haunt us later. I made sure i made it up to him that morning with quite a treat mind you so hopefully took his mind off it a bit!

    1477846740
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Nurse H wrote:

    We never had that "are we now bf / gf or exclusive" conversation but i kinda avoided the point and he just assumed we were.

    I just worry that because he wanted to know all the detail its gonna come back and haunt us later. I made sure i made it up to him that morning with quite a treat mind you so hopefully took his mind off it a bit!

    I don't see it that way. My partner now my Mrs of 20 years (26 years seeing each other) wanted all the details of my Exes and how we finished. She wanted this info to ensure she didn't make the same mistake and we are still together. Your oH is probably doing the same as he doesn,t want to mess things up between you. Surely that makes it worth talking about ?

    1477847796
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    Like i said, ive given him some basics, surely knowing the graphic details isnt going to be something he wants to hear?

    1477849137
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    No need for graphic details like what you did and how you did it.

    If you've already told him the simple truth of when you last slept with any of them and that it was just one of the guys while you were first dating then I think that should be more than enough to satisfy his curiosity:)

    1477850973
    Nurse H [sign in to see picture]
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    Thats what i thought!! Yes i did sleep with one of them when i first met him, a guy i had been seeing on and off for a while and then next to other guy but not full sex. BF hasnt asked if that meant anything else happened so i didnt say.

    The thought that suddenly just entered my mind though is, if he just accepts this like this does that mean he was doing similar???? Tho i guess whether or not he did isnt something i can have an opinion on considering is it!!

    1477851178
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree ,theres no need to go into intimate graphic detail , you've told him all he needs to know about it all being early on before you established your relationship with him and personally I think that should be enough .
    I think he might dwell on too much info and that's not a good thing .
    And by the way ...welcome to the forums :)

    1477853209
    NaughtyNerd [sign in to see picture]
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    Nurse H wrote:

    Thats what i thought!! Yes i did sleep with one of them when i first met him, a guy i had been seeing on and off for a while and then next to other guy but not full sex. BF hasnt asked if that meant anything else happened so i didnt say.

    The thought that suddenly just entered my mind though is, if he just accepts this like this does that mean he was doing similar???? Tho i guess whether or not he did isnt something i can have an opinion on considering is it!!

    I have kind of been in this situation as my boyfriend cheated in August. It was only a 1 night stand but it was him still talking to her (innocently) that ate me up.

    I am not saying you cheated but his feelings may have been similar.

    All the gory details do not help but prepare for questions as he will be trying to rationalise it, juse tring bemail hones

    If he is trying to accept it it is because he thinks you are worth fighting for not necessarily because he was ior is thinking of doing the same.

    1477905353
    Kinkylincs [sign in to see picture]
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    My wife and i seperatered for a short while and she took a fb but we got back together i loved to hear the details of what he did to her in the bedroom and he had taken pics which i got her to ask for them and they turned me on also

    1477906742
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    lmh95 wrote:

    No need for graphic details like what you did and how you did it.

    If you've already told him the simple truth of when you last slept with any of them and that it was just one of the guys while you were first dating then I think that should be more than enough to satisfy his curiosity:)

    +1 Totally agree with this, and welcome to the forums xx

    1477951279
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi and welcome! :)

    I agree with the suggestion to not get too graphic - I think if I were him, I'd want to know partly out of curiousity and partly just to know. I don't think people necessarily realise that too much information can be ultimately damaging. I'd personally also have the bf/gf exclusive talk...if both of you want the exclusivity, then might as well commit to it.

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