• threesome complications- am i being unreasonable?

    1476874377
    Arajuna [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 6
    • Joined: 2 Jan 2013

    Hi lovely community- im having a bit of trouble with my boyfriend of two years. He has asked if i would fulfill his fantasy of having is first threesome (also my first) and im having a bit of trouble getting my head around it. Its not that i dont want to its just that im afraid ill get hurt.. and since he only wants to have the threesome with a woman, one with a man is obviously not an option. Im not afraid to admit i can get slightly jealous... so i have put down some limits of things im absolutely not ok with. My biggest limit is probably kissing, i know it seems sensitive but it would just hurt my feelings to see my partner kissing someone else cause i think thats quite a romantic act where as i can detach myself emotionally from sex a bit better.

    for context, we sometimes attend a swinger club together but my boyfriend is only interested in only a threesome with other women, and the swinger club is mostly other couples looking to swap partners, it has been hard to find something suitable without us (and therefore mostly me) having to involve another man. I wouldnt mind this substitute but he has said its out of the question for me to be with another man and that since im 'bi curious' i should be fine with other women (i have been with women indepentantly before)

    Heres the issue though- because of this, my boyfriend has suggested another 'source' to find a woman for our threesome. We live in a student residence of 500 people who basically all know eachother, and he is convinced that the massive parties we have at the weekends at our 'home' is the best place to find our 'third'. My problem with this is that he would have to flirt his way in to land these girls, and if he ever managed to convince one we would likely be seeing her again all over the place since she would live in our building.

    He tells me his method would be to get the woman interested in him first and then suddenly swoop me in as a last minute thing when sex is on the cards and hope she agrees to also having me there. He also tells me theres no way in hell he could convince another girl to have sex with him without kissing her first, which i can understand but as stated this is my biggest limit and it would really upset me...

    I guess im just worried that this is a litte bit too close to home- what does the lovehoney community think? is this the way to go or do you have any other suggestions? im obviously really, really stuck here- clueless really!

    thank you all so much! <3

    1476874776
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3603
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    For threesomes to work everyone has to be 100% sure about doing it. You don't sound like you really want to and it seems if you did go ahead it would just be to please him.


    It is unfair on someone else for you to be "swooped in" at the last minute, they may go along with it when under pressure and regret it after.


    It is unfair to you for him not to respect your boundaries about kissing etc. Why should he get his threesome fantasy and you not get to experience one with another man if you want to?


    I think this could destroy your relationship if you went ahead with what he wants. I think it is a really bad idea. Sorry.

    1476874855
    Lovinthetoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 922
    • Joined: 22 Jun 2015

    In my opinion, your partner isnt being fair there.

    He wants all the freedom to experiment, without you having the same.

    Essentially, he seems to just wants a free pass to try it on with other girls

    Doesnt sound right to me at all.

    1476874991
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2549
    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    lmh95 wrote:

    For threesomes to work everyone has to be 100% sure about doing it. You don'the sound like you really want to and it seems if you fit it would just be to please him


    It is unfair on someone else for you to be "swooped in" at the last minute, they may go along with it when under pressure and regret it after.


    It is unfair to you for him not to respect your boundaries about kis sing etc. Why should he get his threesome fantasy and you not get to experience one with another man if you want to?


    I think this could destroy your relationship if you went ahead with what he wants. I think it is a really bad idea. Sorry.

    I wrote a reply and it disappeared, but basically said this^^^

    1476875023
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 950
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    I don't have a good feeling about this. I'm open minded and would agree to a threesome but the things that are bothering me are

    it seems to be on his grounds. A threesome needs to be a joint agreement

    he is more than likely expecting you to kiss this woman in front of him, and I'd hope you'd do that because YOU want to, not just to please him.

    He said a threesome with a man is out of the question. Why? Obviously it wouldn't be expected for your bf to pleasure the man, but why wouldn't he want you to be pleasured by him and another man ?

    Whether you're bi curious or not this does not cement the fact that the threesome should therefore be a woman, that is selfish and a cop out answer for him wanting a threesome with another woman. That wouldn't be good enough for me.

    He tells you his method? No. The 'method' should be again an agreement by the BOTH of you. Not what he thinks is best. No and no.

    The idea of him flirting at this party, in your own house is a big no. He shouldn't have to flirt to find another woman to participate in a threesome.

    He tells you there's no way he'd convince a woman to have sex with him without kissing her first. I'm sorry, what? He knows kissing is a hard limit for you and is pretty much black mailing you into him kissing another woman?

    Im sorry but all of this is setting off my hazard alarms and I feel like running miles alway in the opposite direction for you.

    Threesomes are fine AS LONG as it's a joint agreement and everything is done to ensure feelings aren't hurt.

    Good luck

    1476875297
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2747
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    After reading your post, I don't think you should have a threesome regardless of what your boyfriend thinks. I think it seems like your boyfriend doesn't care about how you feel about this and only thinks about his own pleasure. He doesn't respect your limits and it doesn't seem like you'll get anything out of this except sadness and maybe a broken relationship.

    Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% confident in. If you think you might be jealous in advance, you probably will be when it happens. Really think this through and have a chat with your OH. If he still wants to do it even after you have explained to him that it would hurt your feelings, then he probably isn't the one for you. He should care about your feelings and respect you enough to not knowingly hurt you.

    1476875483
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 935
    • Joined: 4 Jul 2012

    No you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

    Your partner is being unfair to both you and the potential third. Assuming she is a person too and not a robot, she will also have feelings, it is quite unfair to lure her in then 'aanouce' a threesome as you appear.

    As others have said, for threesomes to work, everyone involved has to 100% be on the same page and as far as I can see you and your partner are not yet, so adding another person would probably not end well.

    I don't intend this to sound harsh, but your partner seems to have a very immature view of how this would go down, and it appears to be very much about him, and far less about you, and in no way about the third person.

    Also it should be someone you are both into, and who is into both of you, but it sounds to me like he would like it just to be anyone, so he can have the experience.

    With what you have told us, if I was in your situation I wouldn't be trying to find a way to get it to work I'd be saying no full stop. Not because I'm against threesomes, they can be all the fun, but only with the right attitude and I just don't see this here.

    Good luck though, and I hope you get it sorted soon x

    1476875845
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1384
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2012

    OK, we've been in a similar situation, Mrs LUC has mentioned she would like to experience another lady, swap swing and the like. We sat down and talked it out but, we decided that if we are going to do it it should be same rules for the both of us, if I have sex with another lady she should be free to have sex with the partner or another man.

    Obviously if we were to meet a couple and I didn't want to partake while my wife and the others got down to business then that would be my own decision, likewise if she decided on an occasion that she wasn't going to join in but, if he is expecting just to "enjoy" the benefits of two ladies simultaneously then you should be more than entitled to the same.

    If he still insists the only 3way is FFM then I would personally stop any further swinging / sharing / swapping until he can accept your request. It's 2 way traffic on stuff like this I personally don't think you can say: OK I'm having all the 3 way fun with as much fanny as I can handle but, you only get to take my cock. Even as a male that to me in thus situation is wrong and unfair and as for "flirting his way round campus" looking for a suitable third, ask yourself what would he do if you made the same suggestion but looking for a male?

    Also in our experience that mystical second lady did prove elusive...

    Hope this helps.

    1476877125
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5736
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2015

    +1 to all of the above. I don't think you should go through with this because it sounds like you're not comfortable with it at all and you'd just be doing it to make him happy. It seems to me that he just assumes because you've been intimate with a woman before, it's not a problem for you to do it again with him around. Being intimate with one person is very different to being intimate with two and a threesome is something you definitely shouldn't do if you're not 100% comfortable with the idea. If you know already that you can become jealous, then I just wouldn't risk your relationship for the sake of having the experience.

    1476877192
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 292
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2015

    Arajuna wrote:

    Heres the issue though- because of this, my boyfriend has suggested another 'source' to find a woman for our threesome. We live in a student residence of 500 people who basically all know eachother, and he is convinced that the massive parties we have at the weekends at our 'home' is the best place to find our 'third'. My problem with this is that he would have to flirt his way in to land these girls, and if he ever managed to convince one we would likely be seeing her again all over the place since she would live in our building.

    Nope, you're not being unreasonable at all. The above suggestion by your boyfriend is an awful idea. Really awful. It's not fair on you, and it's certainly not fair on the other girl who'd have thought she's pulled a single guy, only to have his girlfriend and the suggestion of the threesome sprung on her, probably when she's pretty drunk as it's a student house party. That feels a bit preditory to me, everyone needs to be 100% into a threesome and to give sober consent to what they are getting themselves in to.

    This is not even covering that you're likely to see the girl in question again, which might be unconfortable for you both. Really awful idea, boyfriend!

    A lot of good adivce already been said to you. All I'll add is think about what you would like. I personally would be unconfortable with a partner who pressure me to act out his fantasy, whilst enforcing rules on me that I couldn't have sex with other men. That's not fair. And identifying as bi-curious is not a bargining chip he can use to pressure you into a threesome.

    I hope you manage to talk this through with him and find a more respectful alternative.

    1476877857
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3704
    • Joined: 17 Jul 2013

    There's much wrong with this that I don't know where to start . Ok, basically it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it .
    Threesomes can work if you're both 100% into it but it sounds a bit like you're not that sure, mainly because of his rather unbending attitude .
    In my opinion what's good for one is good for the other but from what you've said he seems to be making all the rules to suit him without a thought for you !
    As for bringing you in at the last minute after he's seduced some woman and expecting her to be Ok with it isn't fair on either you or her !
    You're not being selfish at all but I think he is . You both really need to have a long discussion about this before you do something you might regret and come to some decisions that work for both of you .
    I've nothing against threesomes ( it's actually a big fantasy of mine but that's all it'll ever be ) but to be honest your boyfriend needs to be a lot more in touch with your needs and concerns and less focused on what he wants out of it .
    Have another serious talk about it with him and please don't let yourself get persuaded into something your not entire happy with x

    1476877872
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5940
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    I havn't read what the others have suggested as I prefer to look at relationship problems in isolation . This is my MO but I am sure the others have given you some great advice.

    Firstly I can see a lot of problems with this going off what you have posted and if not treated carefully your relataionship could dissapear down the plug hole

    Firstly its plain to see that whilst you attend a swingers club ( which is a great way and safe way to have none commitment sex with others ) that your arn't comforatble with what he is suggesting .

    I think you are right as well.

    1) You already mentioned that you have a jealous trait so anything like this isn't going to make you feel great . If anything it going to fuel negative vibes and emmotions against this third person .

    2) I think kissing in a full on sex session is going to happen as sure a night follows day. Emmotions and feelings take over .

    3) IMO your fella is going to have to cross the line in order to attract another woman . I get chatted up on average two or 3 occasions when we go out on a Saturday night. my Mrs is quite cool on it as she knows that I havn't initiated it( although I am naturally flirtacious) and knows that I will politely kill it at the earliest opportunity .That is the trust she places in me and she knows full well I will not cross the line . Now your guy is going to have to take this much further and do the chasing and the chatting up and I dare see the asking out albeit with strings attached . So he is IMHO crossing the line and I just can't imagine you being OK with this as I know my Mrs wouldn't . This other woman will likely to feel short changed by having to share her "new" man with you . That she may not agree let alone having sex with another woman as well( she may not have bi traits) to and therefore more complications and possible falling out. If she does then there is a danger that she could develop emmotions and feelings towards your guy resulting in potential damage to your relationship with him . A possible way around this would be to hire a paid excort to act as the third person as they will have developed a way of curbing their own feelings as they will see it as a job .But even with an Escort you may still have the problems mentioned in points 1 & 2 .

    So if you value your relationship with your fella of which I am sure you do then tell him to take a running jump with his idea and to never mention it again .

    1476879446
    Arajuna [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 6
    • Joined: 2 Jan 2013

    wow guys thank you all so much for the responses :)

    I obviously couldnt agree more with you all, im glad none of you have said im mental and think i have a point!

    i suppose ill have to have a bit of a chat with him and see if he can accept a no and if not then i guess its the boot.

    thanks all for our kind support :)

    xxx

    1476879932
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2747
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    I'm so glad over your response! :) Good luck and don't let anyone walk over your :)

    1476880732
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1734
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I know you probably don't need any more advice as you replied with this, but I just wanted to add that I agree with everyone else.

    I am really uncomfortable reading this because you're partner seems to be selfish and manipulative, and trust me, these can be desastrous in a relationship. Also, I don't know about the whole relationship, but from that aspect, it seems to me that you're partner doesn't care that much about your feelings and only cares about his. Also, it seems to me that he tends to be jaleous and possesive, while he is willing to do things with other people. I am not wanting to speculate here, but I would be carefull about this if I was you, because I see some traits that cheaters have.

    I guess you've already agreed that you shouldn't have a threesome if it's only ro please him and his fantasies, which is a good thing.

    Please keep us informed on how the talk goes. I am a bit concerned about this all (and about you) so I'd love to have some feedback on how it went

    :)

    1476881970
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 950
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2015

    Arajuna wrote:

    i suppose ill have to have a bit of a chat with him and see if he can accept a no and if not then i guess its the boot.

    Good thinking. Hope it goes well for you.

    1476882526
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 292
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2015

    Arajuna wrote:

    wow guys thank you all so much for the responses :)

    I obviously couldnt agree more with you all, im glad none of you have said im mental and think i have a point!

    i suppose ill have to have a bit of a chat with him and see if he can accept a no and if not then i guess its the boot.

    thanks all for our kind support :)

    xxx

    You're welcome. Glad to hear you've got such a great attitude going forward! :)

    1476883230
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5940
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Arajuna wrote:

    wow guys thank you all so much for the responses :)

    I obviously couldnt agree more with you all, im glad none of you have said im mental and think i have a point!

    i suppose ill have to have a bit of a chat with him and see if he can accept a no and if not then i guess its the boot.

    thanks all for our kind support :)

    xxx

    I am glad in a way that your kicking this into touch .

    I don't know why but threesomes is one of the most commonest fantasies . There have been umpteen threads on the subject as Leanne as quite rightly pointed out . I can't say I have read a post whereby the session ended well . But I bet this will not be the last thread I see on the subject . Its such a tricky act to do as there are so many complications . As you are in a swingers club yourself then you will already appreciate that this is really the best environemnt for sex with others but I don't know if any clubs admit singles for potentially 3 some sessions .

    1476890223
    Onlyones [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2513
    • Joined: 6 Jul 2009

    Arajuna wrote:

    wow guys thank you all so much for the responses :)

    I obviously couldnt agree more with you all, im glad none of you have said im mental and think i have a point!

    i suppose ill have to have a bit of a chat with him and see if he can accept a no and if not then i guess its the boot.

    thanks all for our kind support :)

    xxx

    Good for you under no circumstances should you feel pressured to agree to something that you were clearly uncomfortable with and you can obviously see from all the responses that everyone feels you should not put your relationship at risk just to please your partner,if he has any feelings for you surely he will respect your decision.

    1476893373
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1477
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2016

    Definitely a good chat needed Arajuna, you're right on that. So much good advice so all I'll put in is, you're not mental. Just your average Joe who gets jealous. We all do, me ever so much and that is why my husbands fantasy of a threesome is staying just that. Good luck 😚

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.