• Need help again, please?

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    TheInvisibleTester [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello all, my name is Lea. I wrote a post a couple of months ago about my relationship which you can see on my profile under "relationship advice, please" explaining the problem and lots of love honey users were very sweet and gave lots of sound advice which, like an idiot, I have been ignoring hoping that it will get better.
    My partner has now officially changed, from being cold and dejected only a small percentage of the time, now he is like this 95℅ of the time.
    I have no idea how this happened and for me it is as if he has died, I cry thinking that the sweet, innocent man I knew no longer exists, however cheesy it may sound. I'm really distraught and hurt to be honest and I just need someone to vent to.
    I thought that maybe he was going through a stressful period at work the last time I posted, that was nearly two months ago.
    Now I'm told how much he hates me, how stupid I am and how I was born a complete f*ck-up. I can't discuss anything with him anymore because he knows more than me and my opinion isn't valid, including when it's about our relationship. How I fuck up his entire weeks by just talking to him and how disgusting I am. He has suddenly come out to be a women hating man, we discussed our opinions on equality over a year ago and he said that I would always be his equal no matter what, now he thinks that women are inferior in every way and he refuses to let me drive a car because "my small, useless brain won't handle it". He said that it's my fault that he acts this way towards me and it wouldn't be this way if I didn't debate anything with him and if I accept that I'm beneath him in every way.
    To be honest with you, there is nothing left of me anymore. I wish that I would've left when I wrote my last post, I truly wish that I had done. I've changed so much in such a relatively short time, I used to be happy always, now I'm permanently crying, I have a constant feeling of hurt or sadness, I'm paranoid about being followed on my phone to every location and that every conversation I have is being read, etc.
    I have back problems and I wanted to go to the public swimming baths to try and help the pain but he told me how much he hates me and that I just want male attention when he knows that I always hide my body and don't like attention. I had the biggest anxiety/hysteria attack in front of him the other day, for the first time ever because he was shouting at me and he wouldn't stop and he didn't care, he just continued and told me to shut up. I can't bring myself to leave him though, we have been together since before he got his first job and I swore that I would never leave him. The thing is is that he is no longer the same person but when I look at him I see the old him and I can't leave him, I love him so much that it hurts. I had abuse problems previously and he was the first person for me to fully trust ever. And then this happens. I feel as if I'm broken, I can't trust anyone ever again. How can I? How can I trust someone if the person I trusted does these things to me? I can't find a future partner because I'll never be able to get over him, not the past him at least anyway, I truly thought that he was my soulmate, I was deceived and I can't take it anymore. I can't take anything anymore. I just want to end everything and that way I won't have to deal with this but I can't do that to my family. He has even said that I deserve everything and that he hopes that my future boyfriend will beat me up because everyone deserves more than me and because I'm worthless. If I'm not worthless then why would everyone that I've ever got close to end up treating me like this? I try to avoid arguments as much as possible, I agree with him even when he insults my intelligence and I beg for forgiveness when he gets angry yet none of this works... I'm pathetic...what do I do?

    1475348384
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    Get out, get out now.

    1475349186
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Stuburns wrote:

    Get out, get out now.

    Sorry, but a million times this.

    No one, and I mean no one has the right to treat anyone like this - it is abuse however you look at it.

    You say you love him - how can you when he so obviously sees you as an inferior being? OK, so he treated you good initially so I understand you built feelings on this, but even you know what he is doing now is just wrong.

    Leave - and find someone who reserves you xxxx

    Take care sweetie xxx

    1475349718
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Please, please find the courage to leave him . This is mental abuse and he doesn't deserve you at all. You just can't go on living like this ,day in day treading on eggshells,its no life at all.

    Have you any family or friends that you could go to ?Just reading this has made me so angry that he feels he can treat another human being in this way .
    I realise you're scared but please just get out of this toxic situation xx

    1475349992
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    If he is like this right now, imagine what he will be like in two months, six months, five years, twenty years? It will not get better, it will only get worse.

    Tell your parents or your friends, make them go with you when you pack your stuff and then stay at their place until you get back on your feet. He doesn't love you, he never will love you. He will only destroy what is left of you and if you leave him now you will eventually be yourself again.

    In five years, I'm sure that you will realize that leaving him was the best thing you ever did and you will not regret that decision. You will find love and someone that truly cares about you. Your partner doesn't love you, he loves to have control over you.

    Please leave him as soon as you can. I know that you realize that's the only option for you. Please go through with it.

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    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Obviously I meant deserves you - not 'reserves' you!!!

    1475350724
    amber_angel [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 12 Sep 2016

    I wonder.

    It almost sounds like something is seriously wrong with him psychologically and/or physically.

    Rarely does someone just do a complete 180 like this. This is EXTREME behavior change and that is a very strong indicator that something serious is wrong.

    I know it may sound silly, but even brain tumors have been known to change people so drastically what you are describing.

    I obviously am not a psychiatrist, but I wonder if it might even be onset of schizophrenia or something.

    Is there ANY way you can get him to get a complete physical soon? Maybe talk to his relatives? Tell them that he has changed drastically and explain that it could be medical and if they love him to get him checked out.

    If you or they cannot get him to do this asap, then you have to get out of this before you get hurt.

    Family that can take you in would be the best for you I would think.

    We do not know your financial situation, so you would have to figure out the best exit strategy, but if you cannot get him checked out medically, you definitely need an exit!

    amber

    1475351881
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Get out. Do what you need to do to get a safe place for you to go to and run without looking back.

    If he's changed this much, this fast, I dread to think what he'll be capable of in the next six months. If he can go from sweet, to verbally abusive, to mentally, it's not much of a stretch to go to physical and I would hate for something to happen to you.

    You absolutely do not deserve this and I promise you every single thing he says to you is a lie, he's being cruel and trying to assert dominance in an extreme way. He's manipulative and you do not need someone like that. You promised not to leave a sweet, caring man, you never promised you wouldn't leave if he became someone you don't even recognize anymore.

    You have to get out before something even worse happens. I've known a girl in a situation like this and he ended up killing her. I don't want to read about the same happening to you one day. Please put yourself first and think about your health and safety. You deserve so much better than this. I promise it will be worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it straight away. You can go on without him and you will. 

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    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Please, imagine your friend had told you all of this. Would you let her accept what is going on to her? No.

    Get the hell out of that relationship. It isnt healthy for you. Put YOURSELF first, just what would happen in a further few weeks or months?

    Just get out of that house with that man right now.

    1475353030
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    Mental health issues can really change a person, even if this is something medical you need to leave. You need to leave as quickly as possible.

    Contact someone you trust, a friend or relative, and tell them you need to get out and a safe place to stay. Give them a time to expect you for. Take only what you need and ask someone to collect the rest of your belongings. Do NOT tell him where you are. There are professionals who can help at women's refuges. For your safety you just cannot stay.

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    203 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 31 Oct 2010

    You are in a domestically abusive relationship. I get that you are overwhelmed and at rock bottom, and left with lots of questions about the future.

    However, right now you need to put your safety first and get out if the relationship. Emotional and controlling behaviour is now considered an offence.

    There are specialist domestic abuse police officers who you can ask to be put through to via your local police number- they will take you seriously, support you in safety planning, assess risk and link you into specialist agencies for support. There is a wealth of support out there for you, and in time doing a pattern changing course may be helpful...but right now your safety is paramount...get out

    1475353728
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    I actually read this out loud to my partner and he was mortified. He said you're in love with the OLD him, not the new him. But in all honesty, he said you've answered all you're own questions, just leave now.

    You need serious professional help. We are a wonderful wonderful group of people here, The Invisible Tester, but it sounds to me you need PROFESSIONAL help. As awful as it sounds, if it is that serious right now and you are scared of him as it sounds you are, you shouldn't be writing this to us and instead using your time talking to authorities, charities and seeking help and getting the hell out of there. There really is nothing more we can say, we have all said the same near enough.

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    N&Mc [sign in to see picture]
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    It's clearly developed into a really unhealthy relationship. Put your health and safety first you need to leave him, you don't deserve to be emotionally abused like that. And I suggest he seeks professional help as it sounds like he has a mental health issue or disorder.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm very worried that as he's become so mentally abusive for no apparent reason, he may become physically abusive.

    Get yourself away and to somewhere safe with friends or family. Please tell a professional how you've been treated and how you feel. No one deserves to be treated this. He also needs to seek a professional opinion but you don't need to be dealing with all this while he does. 

    Sending huge hugs.....take care xx

    1475357139
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    I am so sorry that you are in this situation, and I totally agree with what has been said here. You need to leave him, and put yourself first. You feel the way that you do about yourself, because he has stripped all your confidence away from you. His behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you need to be safe. If you don't have anywhere to go, I have done some research and you can contact places like Women's Aid or Refuge - they both have 24 hour helplines and will help you - here are the links which I hope we ok to post. Sending lots of hugs xx

    https://www.womensaid.org.uk

    http://www.refuge.org.uk

    1475358686
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    So sad to read the update. Get help now and get out.


    I agree with everyone else to get out now while you still can. You only get one life so don't allow him to destroy yours anymore. He is becoming more and more unhinged and I seriously worry for your safety and your own mental health if you stay. He sounds dangerous so get free before he finally snaps.

    You owe him NOTHING. Don't stay for the way it was in the beginning as the situation is only going to get worse. He is not who he was. He actually sounds seriously disturbed and evil. What pleasure can someone get from treating another
    person so appallingly?


    Please get help and get yourself as far away as possible from this man.

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    delilahxx [sign in to see picture]
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    Scorpius12 wrote:

    I am so sorry that you are in this situation, and I totally agree with what has been said here. You need to leave him, and put yourself first. You feel the way that you do about yourself, because he has stripped all your confidence away from you. His behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you need to be safe. If you don't have anywhere to go, I have done some research and you can contact places like Women's Aid or Refuge - they both have 24 hour helplines and will help you - here are the links which I hope we ok to post. Sending lots of hugs xx

    https://www.womensaid.org.uk

    http://www.refuge.org.uk

    All of the above and this. You need help now. Please do not stay a minute longer with this abusive man. He will destroy you more than he has already.

    It will take time, but you WILL recover from this, you can be happy in the future, and you deserve a happy life. Without this abusive man.

    Take care xx

    1475362878
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been worrying about you since your last post and I dreaded things would get worse for you.

    I think you can see the true colours of your partner now. You are being abused, and you need to get out and as far away from him as possible and as soon as possible, so you can begin to heal.

    Hear me when I say YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS
    You can leave him
    You will find love again
    You will not regret leaving an abusive relationship
    You are stronger than you think

    Believe me, and other members, when we say: I have been their, and I know how difficult it is to leave. But I also know how vital it is. You cannot let him eat at your soul for any longer.

    If you need housing there are women's shelters in most cities that will help you get on your feet again and give you advise.

    Please be safe, leave him while you're thinking clearly and don't let him back in to your life. No one is worth losing your own identity to. This is abuse and you DO deserve so much better.

    I'll keep thinking of you, and I hope you are free from this toxic man soon.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Please leave him, say nothing to him, pick your time, and go. Get your self some support from the links Scorpious has posted.

    Love has left your relationship, all that remains is control and manipulation, to give him power over you. Only violence towards you awaits if you remain; when words no longer seem enough to such people, it becomes physically abusive.

    I know I have been there. It was the first thing I said to you last time you posted, and I'm saying it again. This is not love anymore, RUN.

    1475445547
    The Real Mr Grey [sign in to see picture]
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    I think all the posts advising you to leave make sense. Mental cruelty can and does sometimes lead to physical abuse.
    Has he visited a gp ?
    Can you remember anything significant from around the time he started to change ?
    Has he got a powerful female figure in his life (at work or relative etc) and because he perhaps feels belittled by them, his release back to masculinity is to take it out on you.
    Dont get me wrong, i'm not making excuses for him. No-one deserves to be treated how you are.

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