• Elements of a long lasting relationship

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Introduction

    I thought I would start a thread of which can be added to( by everyone ) and built up over time on the elements of a long lasting relationship. One of the common questions , me and my partner are always asked when we go into social circles is "How do you guys make it last?" . Thats not to say we havn't had our up and downs of course we have but its how you deal with them , Deal with them well , it can help solidify a relationship and make it stronger.

    The whole idea of devising this thread is to act as reference material for those starting the exciting journey of a new relationship and those in existing relationships who may have a problem and perhaps identify were the problem lies .

    1) Communication

    Communication underpins all successful relationships .Without it a relationship will struggle to attain longevity .In my opinion at least one of the partners needs to be a good communicator for this to be successful. Verbally my Mrs isn't good at communicating as she is a very intravert type person . However she tends to do this by body language and over the years , I have learned how to read it and can sense when things arn't as well as they should be. Obviously once I spot that she has a problem , I can then ask the questions using "open " type questionsing techniques ie starting questions with What, Why , How and Where.

    Once the problem is indentified then both partners can then ether seek help to rectify it or come to a solution between themselves .

    Some relationships often go stale because both partners stop communicating with each other and don't always recognise that this is perhaps the main problem .We have had many of these type of problems on the forums whereby one partner will request help with their relationship , with the solution being that they need to discuss their feelings to their partner in the same way they are discussing it with us . I know it does sound like a broken record sometimes when we respond with comminication being the key issue .Once communication is reeastablished they will find what the underlying problem is and then take action to rectify it .

    Souns so simple doesn't it ?

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Good advice.

    If I have a problem...I say so, otherwise I just do as I'm told.....it works for us xx

    (ps...we've been married 26 years so it must work) ! lol

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    I think every now and then an argument can be beneficial. That's not to say go looking for one! But when one comes along, it's a good chance to vent and get everything out there, and it's how you deal with the aftermath that matters. Take on board what the other says and as you say - communicate! Talk it through, make a plan to solve the problems.
    But for me, the key to a great relationship is laughter. Being able to be silly with each other, laugh at each other's jokes, be fun together, that's a keeper for me. I couldn't bear to be in a relationship that was just serious all the time. No matter what's going on in life, you need to be able to laugh.

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    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Apreciateling one another and going out of your way to please your partner.

    My OH and I don't talk about thing very much, particularly what we like or dislike in the bedroom, but we try new things and if we don't like them then we move on. I treat him in everyday life, clothes, food, nice bath stuff.

    I guess we are just a good fit after 12 years together.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Trust:

    (Sorru I can't bold it on mobile). To me it's more about teustibg the other naturally. The trust has to come from deep inside, you just KNOW the person is wortht if your trust. This comes with time of course.
    To le there's no way "he's seeing a girl and I am feering something might happen. I gotta trust him because trust is important in a relationship and if I don't it's not gonna work out" is acceptable. I don't know what is the clearest way to express it, but I think the trust can't be forced for the reason you know you SHOULD be teustibg your partner in a relationship cause then it's not trust.

    I'm sure no one will say anything about trust not being important, but there might be disagreements with my explaination. Feel free to comment it

    Putting the other / the relationship before your ego:

    I've learned this one to be super important. Me and my bf have two big egos and we let it get in between us until it crashed. We then realized that the relationship was more important and that the ego needs to be left out of any intimate relationship. We often ended up being hurt and we would speak back and hurt the other in return, this is a very destructive way to act. After you realize that you'd rather let that aspect aside and have some certitude that you won't hurt your partner (because you care about them), the relationship will healthier and the fights will clear out so much easily. There's nothing wrong with admitting "what you just said is painful to me" or with hugging in the middle of a fight :)

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    Grumpygit87 [sign in to see picture]
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    A great thread and already most important things have been said I think communication and trust I do also believe that jealousy is quite good not mad jealousy but slight as if there was not you may not care as much me and my wife have formed a great way of dealing with problems and it's normally a massive blow out lots of shouting and swearing then after a few minutes when it's done the other person normally just says ok you done now then smiles and hugs end all the rubbish , we have been together since school and have come through massive ups and downs money trouble family trouble people interfering etc the main thing is you are a team and at the end of the day no matter what it is you have each others back with everything you each come first to one another ... Bit of a ramble but hey thought I would try and join in

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Yep i think that "you are a team" diserves a point on it's own too. It revealed to be very important in my relationship too just as we learned to put our egos aside.

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    "Main thing is you are a team" - yes yes yes gg87! Whatever happens, you should always have each other's back, and support each other when external forces put pressure on your relationship.

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Great thread idea mysteron.

    I totally agree that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you can't talk to each other then so many issues can fester away and damage your relationship.

    We've been a couple for 22 years and married for 17 years and we've had our ups and downs too and it certainly hasn't always been plain sailing but we still make each other smile and laugh everyday and there's no-one else I'd rather have the pleasure and privilige of growing older with.


    I would say that my recipe for a happy relationship is :-


    1.Communicate - mysteron has this one covered so I won't go on.


    2. Appreciate - spend quality time together. Make time for each other. Keep kissing, holding hands and hugs on the menu to keep the intimacy there even at the times when sex is not an option due to stress, illness, risky pregnancy etc it will help to keep you feeling close to stay tactile. Let each other know how special you are to each other. Laugh and have fun together. You don't have to always be spending a fortune either to enjoy your time together - go for a walk to the beach or in the woods, have a picnic in the garden, enjoy a movie cuddled under a blanket on the sofa together with no other distractions etc.

    Enjoy the simple pleasures of just being together alone.


    3. Respect - accept that we are all different and all have the right to our own thoughts and opinions. Don't try to change someone or stifle their personality. Love them for who they are and what they stand for or not at all.


    4.Trust - don't feel you have to be there all the time and can't let them out of your sight or they'll go elsewhere. Give each other space to enjoy hobbies and existing friendships. I always think it is so sad when people are forced to drop all of their friends because their new partner doesn't approve of or like them.


    Misplaced jealousy and mistrust ruins relationships but on the other hand if you know someone is messing you about and cheating then think long and hard "do you not think you deserve better?" "Do you want to waste your precious years on someone who doesn't love you enough to be faithful to you?" Nobody needs or deserves to be anyone's second best or fall back.

    5. Drama - know when to stand your ground or back down. Is something small really worth a big song and dance? Don't confront when you are tired or angry - wait till you have gathered your thoughts and calmed down. Then talk rationally and fairly without bringing up the past. Often you'll realise that causing a scene was unecessary and things have sorted themselves out.

    I've always lived by the phrase "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all".

    6. Kindness - be nice to each other. We are often kinder and nicer to strangers or casual acquaintances than the people who are there for us through thick and thin. So, let people know how much they mean to you and as my Mum always says " treat people the way you like to be treated yourself".

    7. Honesty - be true to yourself but also true to each other. Don't lie or withhold information that could potentially hurt your partner further down the line. If something is worrying or upsetting you then say so. Please don't do anything that you really don't want to do just to please someone else. Nobody should ever be forced or badgered into doing anything they really don't want to do in or out of the bedroom.

    8. Compromise - we don't all want or like the same things but if it is something that is important to one of you then try if you can to find some middle ground. Don't try to control everything or force your views and opinions on your partner. We are all individuals and our own ideas and thoughts matter.

    I do think nowadays that celebrity culture sets a really bad example for relationships. Everything is so over the top, pointless drama, extravagant shockingly expensive displays of affection and one-upmanship, falling madly in love after just two seconds together then a few weeks later they can't stand each other and are on to the next "love of their life".
    Real life just isn't like that at all. The best things in life are free and as others have said as long as you are a team you can get through anything together.

    Relationships are like a garden they need care, love and attention to flourish and grow :)

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    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    Argue like adults, if that makes sense, no-one's relationship is going to be plain sailing 100% of the time so when there is reason to disagree or be angry listen, take it in and work it through. Try and avoid unnecessary blame and reasoning or dragging up past quarrels and issues.

    We are fortunate in that we can do this without too much *drama*, put most things behind us and look forward.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Perhaps Slightly controversial

    Compatability

    One of the reasons I am not a believer of jumping into bed after the first date. Physical attraction will get your foot in the door thats for sure but you need to find out if you are compatable with your new partner. No pressure here but if a mistake is made the consequencies can be rather complicated later. In the early stages of dating its very important to find as much information about your new partner as possible to anable you to decide that your are compatable. For example you may share the same interests , similar lifestyles ,similar tastes in sex etc. There are many things to find out and yes as mentioned before by Imh 95 some form of compromise may be needed.

    But thats the whole idea of dating to see if you are compatable with this other person and get on together as a team . Its is true that some people change in the future . their ideas may change for example which may conflict with yours . Some relationships don't last because of this .

    Something we tried was actually living together for a short while before we got engaged . It helped us to find out what its really like living together and all the problems that can bring such as bills , habits , teamwork or not as the case may be.

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Variety - Anything in life can become boring if we do it all the time, so I think it's really important to add variety into our relationships to keep them fresh and exciting. I think this is vital both in and out of the bedroom!

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    lmh95 wrote:

    Great thread idea mysteron.

    I totally agree that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you can't talk to each other then so many issues can fester away and damage your relationship.

    We've been a couple for 22 years and married for 17 years and we've had our ups and downs too and it certainly hasn't always been plain sailing but we still make each other smile and laugh everyday and there's no-one else I'd rather have the pleasure and privilige of growing older with.


    I would say that my recipe for a happy relationship is :-


    1.Communicate - mysteron has this one covered so I won't go on.


    2. Appreciate - spend quality time together. Make time for each other. Keep kissing, holding hands and hugs on the menu to keep the intimacy there even at the times when sex is not an option due to stress, illness, risky pregnancy etc it will help to keep you feeling close to stay tactile. Let each other know how special you are to each other. Laugh and have fun together. You don't have to always be spending a fortune either to enjoy your time together - go for a walk to the beach or in the woods, have a picnic in the garden, enjoy a movie cuddled under a blanket on the sofa together with no other distractions etc.

    Enjoy the simple pleasures of just being together alone.


    3. Respect - accept that we are all different and all have the right to our own thoughts and opinions. Don't try to change someone or stifle their personality. Love them for who they are and what they stand for or not at all.


    4.Trust - don't feel you have to be there all the time and can't let them out of your sight or they'll go elsewhere. Give each other space to enjoy hobbies and existing friendships. I always think it is so sad when people are forced to drop all of their friends because their new partner doesn't approve of or like them.


    Misplaced jealousy and mistrust ruins relationships but on the other hand if you know someone is messing you about and cheating then think long and hard "do you not think you deserve better?" "Do you want to waste your precious years on someone who doesn't love you enough to be faithful to you?" Nobody needs or deserves to be anyone's second best or fall back.

    5. Drama - know when to stand your ground or back down. Is something small really worth a big song and dance? Don't confront when you are tired or angry - wait till you have gathered your thoughts and calmed down. Then talk rationally and fairly without bringing up the past. Often you'll realise that causing a scene was unecessary and things have sorted themselves out.

    I've always lived by the phrase "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all".

    6. Kindness - be nice to each other. We are often kinder and nicer to strangers or casual acquaintances than the people who are there for us through thick and thin. So, let people know how much they mean to you and as my Mum always says " treat people the way you like to be treated yourself".

    7. Honesty - be true to yourself but also true to each other. Don't lie or withhold information that could potentially hurt your partner further down the line. If something is worrying or upsetting you then say so. Please don't do anything that you really don't want to do just to please someone else. Nobody should ever be forced or badgered into doing anything they really don't want to do in or out of the bedroom.

    8. Compromise - we don't all want or like the same things but if it is something that is important to one of you then try if you can to find some middle ground. Don't try to control everything or force your views and opinions on your partner. We are all individuals and our own ideas and thoughts matter.

    I do think nowadays that celebrity culture sets a really bad example for relationships. Everything is so over the top, pointless drama, extravagant shockingly expensive displays of affection and one-upmanship, falling madly in love after just two seconds together then a few weeks later they can't stand each other and are on to the next "love of their life".
    Real life just isn't like that at all. The best things in life are free and as others have said as long as you are a team you can get through anything together.

    Relationships are like a garden they need care, love and attention to flourish and grow :)

    Oops. Just noticed I've made an error in my post with number 5 and it should say * 5. Avoid drama * instead which gives it a totally different meaning altogether. Basically what I was trying to say was as others have said occassional arguing is healthy and okay now and again but please choose your battles wisely. Nobody is there to be your emotional punchbag so don't come home after a rotten day and take it out on others just for the sake of it. Instead try to lift your spirits, count to 10, take a deep breath and relax in the company of your loved one and leave the bad mood and atmosphere at the front door. Try your very best not to let one bad person spoil your whole good day. Mysteron. I also think compatibility is really important and often relationships naturally fizzle out when people realise that they like each other but not enough to be together for the long term. Sexual chemistry doesn't always translate to a healthy, happy, loving relationship and some people are just not right for us mentally and emotionally no matter how good they are in bed. I also think living together before considering marriage if you really want to is a really good idea. (Not that there's anything wrong with living together but never ever wanting to get married either. It's not a choice everybody feels the need to make and that's perfectly fine. Whatever makes people happy is the most important thing.) It wasn't the done thing in my day to live together first and was frowned upon but I think it is a great idea to have a test run to see how a relationship will survive with added extra responsibilities and under pressure. Many relationships unfortunately don't last and in my opinion it's much better to find that out sooner rather than later.
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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry my paragraphs have disappeared yet again and it won't let me in to try to edit even though the 5 mins is not up. Apologies for the long scroll again!

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    It won't let me quote either but I'd like to say a BIG +1 to NatandTom's post on variety :)

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    Lovinthetoys [sign in to see picture]
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    You guys have hit the nails on the head really, communication / variety / trust and respect are the ideal building blocks of a loving and long term relationship.

    Good Thread!

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    For me the secret to a long lasting relationship is friendship. My OH is my best friend as well as my 'lover' so to speak, we trust and have fun with each other, work as a team, and comfort one another. I feel like friendship is a solid foundation for a relationship, knowing eachother to the core and accepting all of your strengths and flaws. I've been in relationships before which were mostly romantic/sexual but once all of that is stripped away there's not a whole lot left. With my OH we were friends for years before getting together, and even when we did become a couple we didn't have sex for the first few months. We built an unbreakable friendship and rock solid relationship from that.

    That's not to say we never have disagreements, but we never fall out with each other as we both know how to work together to solve our issues rather than fighting.

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    Mrs Slocum [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, all of the above plus being strong for each other or for the both of you when one of you cant be. Hope that makes sense

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    Apparently admitting when you are wrong is supposed to be good for keeping a relationship going. I wouldn't know though since I am only ever right.
    Humility and modesty are good too.

    Seriously though, I think admitting the other is correct is just as important as admitting you were wrong!

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    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
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    My own top tips would include never going to sleep on an argument. Going to work the next day after zero sleep every once in a while, is nothing compared to being able to cuddle your partner and know everything is out in the open, and fixed.

    And paying your partner attention, whether you're actually chatting or just watching a movie together, sitting there browsing on your phone will make your partner feel like there's something, or worse, someone, more interesting than them. Put the phone away!

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