• re-ignite the spark

    1472504328
    Anonymous1983 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 10 Oct 2015

    This is my first post in the community so not sure what type of response i am going to get.

    I have been with my girlfriend for 7 and a half years and we have two children together. The sex was as usual in the beginning an everyday thing, once the first child came along it died down abit but the passion was still there. Girlfriend got pregnant with our daughter and something changed. Once she was born our whole relationship nosedived.

    Girlfriend works nightshifts now after returning from maternity leave and she only works 2 nights a week but this take 4 nights out of the 7 away from us going to bed together as she has to stay up after doing a 12 hr shift and care for our 3 yr old daughter, she goes to bed the same time as the two children.

    the 3 remaining nights are the only chance of "anything" happening and it never does. it has now got to the point where we are going 4-5 weeks between being intimate. When we do she makes some remark about how she just did it to spot me pestering her, this makes me feel so bad as i dont want it to seem like i am forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

    Any ideas on what she or i can do to try and re-spark this, we have sex toys and outfits that she used to wear.

    I have secretly just ordered her a new outsit from lovehoney to try something...anything to get something back into our relationship.

    sorry in advice for the long backstory.

    J

    1472505903
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3775
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    Hi there. Welcome to the forum.


    We were in the same situation a few years ago after our second child. Who would have believed how much difference another one could make! Unfortunately tiredness, work pressures, responsibilites and trying to raise our family meant that sex became another chore on the endless to-do list and eventually stopped altogether.


    We got the spark back after a long talk about how we were both feeling and basically I needed to feel loved to want to have sex and he needed to have sex to feel loved so we took it back to basics kisses, hugs, handholding, date nights, cuddles on the sofa, watched a movie, played board games together or listened to music and just spent quality time together without the expectation for sex and as we chatted and touched more we reconnected and then things fell back into place. We discovered Lovehoney and tried a few new things and now have a better sex life than we ever had.


    Maybe take the emphasis off sex for a bit. Go back to basics. Leave the toys and sexy lingerie to the side for now. Concentrate on each other. Try massages, a soak in the bath with bubbles together. Could you get a sitter and go out for supper or to the cinema? Try to recreate the way you acted when you started dating and if you can't get a sitter cook her a meal and get the kids settled in bed while she has a pamper session in the bath and let her relax and unwind.


    Let her know that you love her and miss how things used to be. Women are often very body concious after having family so can feel a bit intimidated in the bedroom and anxious about how sexy lingerie looks. They're worried about any wobbly bits or stretch marks. They also can be anxious of things being different "downstairs" - looks and feel.


    I know that I found it really hard to switch from Mummy mode to lover mode for a long time. In fact by the time the kids went to bed I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sink into my bed and sleep. It does get easier as they get older though.


    So basically talk, back to basics and a little patience and you should be fine.
    Good luck :)

    1472505955
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    1472507162
    Anonymous1983 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 10 Oct 2015

    yeah we have spoke about it alot and we have become better at talking about this issue, we both love each other very much and say we do everyday.

    i keep saying to her we need date nights but the last 6 months have been stressful with a big house move and such so hopefully now that this is out of the way and kids back to school we can look at possible date nights out.

    1472589975
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    That's good that you talk all the time and can discuss this openly. It sounds like the love is still there and by the sound of things you've had a really busy year so far and hopefully now that the dust is settling you will have more quality time to spend together very soon.


    All the best to you both :)

    1473506302
    The Real Mr Grey [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 7 May 2015

    Could anyone in the family look after the children for just one night and you two book yourselves into a hotel overnight.

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