• Being the 'Other' woman/man/person

    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    I've never been cheated on (so far as I know) and I've never actually been the 'mistress' to another relationship before. God knows I've come close though! I think we've all had sparks with someone who was in a committed relationship. Just yesterday some friends of mine got married even though one of them has had a series of partners on the side for the entirety of their relationship. However, even when they talk about the horrors and shambles of their relationships, I've never been able to justify actually taking the plunge. As my mother repeated over and over again when I was younger 'They never leave their wives.' Old fashioned, but it stuck with me.

    However, I know that this happens a lot (sometimes for a very long time) and I'm curious as to why people do it and how they feel about it. Not as the cheater, their reasons for doing it are talked about pretty constantly, but as the 'other' person.

    There's absolutely no judgement here. I'm genuinely curious and would love to hear from people who have done this kind of thing. Is it really true love? A sexual turn on?

    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    I would imagine it would be ideal for someone who doesn't want to have a serious relationship with anyone as the other person/adulterer wouldn't be able to commit to them. Maybe some would get a kick out of it too.

    Caliente [sign in to see picture]
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    I think every man I've ever had a relationship with has cheated on me in one way or another. I've never cheated on any of my past partners, and I'm confident it is something I wouldn't do in a future relationship.

    Shamefully, I have been the other woman. I've fallen for someone who was in a relationship, and although we never had sex, I would consider the extent of our emotional and physical connection to be cheating. I was in love, but it was clear it would never work out, so I stopped it and swore never again.

    I also had sex with someone I wasn't aware was in a relationship. Once I realised, I quickly stopped. I found it very difficult because we had amazing sexual chemistry. However, it wasn't a good feeling and definitely not a turn on.

    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    My grandfather had a mistress, who he married when my grandma died. My father had a string of affairs while my parents were married. My mother didn't approve or tolerate it she just didn't have any proof. Well that's what she says. Personally I think she had two daughters that she thought would be better off with two parents rather than one. Like grandfather, my father married his mistress when my mother divorced him.

    I was married, but not for love (complicated long story for another day), but as soon as I met my OH, I left my husband and moved in with my OH, almost 12 years ago. So technically I cheated on my husband, but in reality I left him for another man, a man I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with.

    Personally I think people have intimate relationships outside of their marriage/partner for a number of reasons. Reasons that boil down to communication problems. One person wants to do something different, or feels unloved, overlooked ect, but it's difficult to raise these issues and when another person shows affection, it is oftern perceived as an easier, or more fun option.

    I do think it's possible to have an open relationship, particularly if your loved one/soul mate, wants to do or experience something that you really don't want to. As long as everyone is honest with one another it should work, reality may not be that simple. Life is complicated.

    glittergirl [sign in to see picture]
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    OK so not proud but i have without knowing started seeing someone i was single he was lovely felt easy to talk to him time went on eventually we slept together a couple of times i never even thought to ask if he was in a relationship why would i? He was trying it on with me getting to know me.
    Maybe silly of me but don't cross my mind as i wanted of acted this way in a realastionship my self.
    The out the blue a old friend of mine happened to be his best mate he apporched me and said I've been chatting with ...... And you should step away its not fair on his fiancee.
    My heart stopped i had no idea
    Angry sadness hurt and so many emotions crept over me.
    I confronted him and got told how he felt stuck wasn't happy.
    he got into deep dint know how to call it all of ect.. and i wanted to belive he would as this is what he said time passed with me asking if he had sorted it ??
    Still i did sleep with him again as the moment took us still thinking he would end it.
    It soon became obvious he wasn't going to so as much as i fullen i had to end it breaking my own heart that was my reasons.
    Nit proud never wonted to and got hurt.

    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    I have done it all sadly, I have been cheated on, I have cheated but the most emotional was being the other woman.

    I was in a relationship with a guy, he was amazing. I really fell for him quickly. I had just came out of a long term relationship and he knew all the right things to say and do. We only really met up at the weekends, I assumed it was just because a clash in our schedules. I was in my final year at uni and he was a labourer. One Friday night he says to me "yeah I can't see you this weekend I have the wedding tomorrow" I was a bit miffed he hadn't invited me until he revealed it was his! I was absolutely horrified and upset but again he said the right things.

    We continued our affair for a few months after he got married. His friends knew about me from the moment we met, it was them who told me what an ass he was being, basically having his cake and eating it. I couldn't see he was controlling and using me. I was certain he loved me. He took me to the poshest hotels, bought me pretty things and promised he wasn't marrying her for love but more of a feeling that he "owed her". The more I thought about it I realised his friends were right. I didn't see him again, most of his friendships broke down too.

    I look back on it and think just how horrible I was. I feel so sorry for his wife. I doubt I was the first or last "bit on the side". Your mother is right, they never leave their wives. I see them around, they're still together, they have kids and she looks so miserable. It's been 13 years and I still hold some guilt.

    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks to everyone who has shared so far! Really interesting.

    I personally have no problem with open relationships as long as there is a system in place that is consensual between all parties (including the outside parties!).

    Have any of you known the 'injured party' so to speak? Would knowing the partner being cheated on have made any kind of difference?

    loganlogan [sign in to see picture]
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    My very first relationship was with someone who was engaged.we had been friends at work and a little flirty,then a misunderstood text one Christmas lead to her confessing she had feelings for me.we had a sex just the once.she split up with her fiance 6 months later.we got together and we're a couple for almost 6 years.
    I felt bad for what we did and for the upset it caused at the time.it sounds like a cliché but it just happened.i didn't pursue it.we were friends and something developed from it.

    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been cheated on. And cheated. So I've been on both sides of it.

    Ultimately, I believe it comes down to communication. I believe if you aren't getting something from your partner, like attention etc, and someone comes along and shows an interest in you, then things can become complicated. That's what happened to me.

    I also got a bit too involved with someone not that long ago, but very quickly realised what I had with my OH. Things hadn't been right between us for a while and it was nice to feel someone was actually interested in me as I felt my OH wasn't at all. Since then things have been great and we've been talking lots. I do believe it takes 2 to tango 90% of the time. The other 10% it's just people being shitty.

    I was hurt when I was cheated on. Which is why I vowed not to do it myself... but I did in a previous relationship. It didn't work out anyway, and as harsh as this sounds, I regret nothing as I had the best sex of my life.

    I do think there is a turn on of being the other woman, well for me certainly. In a way it's a huge compliment as someone who is married or in a commited relationship can't not have you or be involved with you.

    Hope this doesn't offend anyone. It really is each to their own!

    GollyGotha [sign in to see picture]
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    I've known my ex since I was 13, so over half my age. We met online and became really good friends and when he split up with his girlfriend at the time, five years later, he asked me to visit and we ended up dating for a few months, but we ended up breaking up due to a silly argument or something.

    I wasn't aware how low he was, I still kick myself now for not noticing, and he didn't understand how autism affected me. We both mentally promised to call each other back and we never did. He moved back home to Bristol and the longer we took to contact each other, the harder it got.

    He ended up adding / following me on social media, but I didn't realise it was because he missed me, I just thought it was one of those odd things, like when people who bullied you at school try to add you on Facebook. Every year or so, he'd message me and ask me how I was, but he never told me how he felt, so I didn't react the way I should of done. Which I deeply regret.

    We both spent the last 9 years thinking about each other, even when we were with other people. And it just seems silly that despite this, we couldn't pluck up the courage to tell each other. He even went to such extremes, during that time, as to researching and befrending Autistic people as he felt bad about how he treated me during our argument.

    A few months ago, I messaged him on Facebook to talk about about David Bowie's death and it was like we were still living together. The same deep connection was still there. We spent weeks constantly messaging each other, trying to make up for lost time. During this time he admitted he still had feelings for me and blocked me, only to come back a few hours later as he didn't want to loose me again. We got even closer, probably a bit too close, but it just felt so right.

    During our chats he confided in me about his girlfriend and I did my best to help him as it really hurt me to see him being treated like that.

    She's fairly controlling and often uses the word 'stupid' to describe things he wants, such as a particular haircut or a car. She will retch when he eats certain food, like advocado's and if he tries to order seafood, she will make a fuss in the resturant until he gives in. If it's too hot and he doesn't want sex she will say things like 'You'll regret turning me down', if he tries to discuss anything with her she storms off and sulks in the spare bedroom....and other stuff which I don't think I should even say.

    I only wanted to help and never intended to come between them, but everytime she stormed out or he went for a drive to clear his head, he would confide in me. Especially for sexual things as she isn't open minded at all. He asked if they could try anal and she said 'If you love anal so much, go have sex with a gay man'. Words failed me when I heard that.

    We slept together once and I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. After that, we got closer, emotionally. Possibly because he was the first time anyone had cum inside me before (excluding anal, which again was due to him). He told me I was his soulmate and that we'd be together again one day, he knew it.

    He booked a hotel for my Birthday as a surprise and then a few days later, said he couldn't do this anymore and that he had to be with his girlfriend. I understood completely, but he started to get really cold and when I would bring this up, he would threaten to block me and, unlike before where we connected so well and he never misunderstood me, we argued because we kept reading each other wrong.

    I know that if I leave him too long he'll be out of my life forever, like all those years ago, but I know that if I talk to him too much I'll push him away.

    He said he doesn't regret us sleeping together, but I do, as Ive now lost someone very dear to me. Again.

    This is the first and only time I will be involved in being the other woman / cheating.

    emergencyexit [sign in to see picture]
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    I was the other man once, in what seems to be another life, almost ten years ago, in my early twenties.

    A friend of mine had been with her boyfriend for 5 years. Everything was going great for them (and it still is at the moment) and one day, he started a conversation about opportunities he had to cheat on her. He said this in a way that led to believe a few women were actually hitting on him, and he wasn't responding to them. They both laughed about it, and them came the question: would that be a problem for you if I was seeing other people? They both said it wouldn't be a problem, as long as it would be just sex, and not being in an other relationship at the same time. It turned out, he never had the opportunity to see other people, we all know how men tend to exaggerate things sometimes.

    At this time, we were talking on Live Messenger when she told me about the conversation they had. She said she was surprised that he brought the subject. He also said he didn't think she would take this opportunity to actually see other people. She didn't say exactly she wanted to try this out with me, but there had been some "ambiguity" between us for some time, and nothing happened because she was in a relationship, but since the rules had changed... I told her about a fantasy to meet someone wearing a mask, have quick sex with this person, and then leave without a word. She said it was a very nice one, but that it would be even better if it was just a blowjob. That's when she said she was more than willing to try this out with me. We met a few days later. She was living in a remote village, and said she would leave at night so I could pick her up in my car. At this time we were both living with our parents, so the car was our only possibility. When I arrived I couldn't believe my eyes. She was waiting for me, wearing a short skirt, stockings, and a mask. We didn't say a word, and we were both paralyzed. All I could do was put my hand on her thighs, and she put her hand on my thighs, and that's pretty much it. We stayed like this for an hour, and then we left. The day later, she said she had been shared between fear and excitement, that it felt wrong and good at the same time. I felt the same, and we agreed to try this again. She said she didn't feel guilty though, but since she had only been with her boyfriend before, it felt weird to start touching someone else's body. A few days later, we were back in the same place. She suggested we shouldn't kiss, since it would be too intimate for her (and she also admitted she watched "Pretty Woman" too many times). She was more adventurous and started putting her hand on my crotch. I put mine under her skirt just to realize she wasn't wearing underwear. It couldn't have been clearer and we had the most amazing night I have ever had. What was supposed to be a quick blowjob turned into a car sex marathon. In between our sex sessions, we had incredible conversations about litterature, while smoking cigarettes. It was a dream, I couldn't believe what was happening. She said it was incredible for her as well, and that it made her feel more comfortable about herself, her body, and her sex life. She also said it had a positive influence on her sex life with her boyfriend. At this time, it was our little secret and no one knew about it. We met three other times in the next two weeks, for other incredible sex sessions. Then it all stopped after we had a necessary conversation.

    She said she was starting to feel something different for me. We had a connection that she didn't have with her boyfriend, who was very different from her. She said she was afraid of this feeling, and that she didn't want it to interfere with the one she already had for her boyfriend. So she said we should stop what we were doing. It was not easy but understandable, so we stopped everything just like that.

    As strange as it seems, I don't think the fact I was the "other" man played a part at some point. For me it was just two open-minded people having one-night stands with no strings attached. We would even talk about her relationship between our sex sessions. But of course, it was supposed to be a "sex only" relationship, which probably couldn't have been possible if she hadn't been in this situation.

    Boaso [sign in to see picture]
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    To my shame, I was the 'other man' once. My ex was almost 2 decades older than me, and we fell in love quickly. But she didn't have the courage to leave her abusive husband, and it became obvious eventually, she never would.

    glittergirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Casting my mind back i have actually willingly been the other women when i was *removed by moderator* many years ago.
    i been drinking and had a few to many.
    young stupid a guy no names said he would give me a lift home make sure i was safe.
    din't think anything of it .
    he drank in same pub as i did well before i was legal.
    always use to get away with it.
    He even new my mum.
    I thought yay no stumbling home carrying my shoes. But when i got in car we were chatting and it turned flirty.
    So had a bit of a cruise around joking together pulled up into car park.
    said you actually really good looking for a guy in his 40s ( was old to me at time lol ) id fuck you.
    He laughed said no you wouldn't want a bloke my age!!
    being a drunk said why not more experience lent over undone his jeans and gave him a hand job while i sucked him of this led to a back seat fork.
    Next day woke with a hang over thinking oh crap i hope he don't tell me mum then thought actually no need to worry he is married he wont want to broadcast .
    Shameful but i was glad of this don't tealy think of his poor wife and the hurt it could course.
    While we where at it thou i was well turned on at forbidden fruit so to speak and car sex was cool as i don't drive at *removed by moderator* older guy and it was exciting. Wrong but no regretting that live once .

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    First of all apologies for the lack of posts of late. Looking after a very sick mother who lives over 60 miles away isn't easy and is time consuming .So what little spare time we have we tend to dedicate to each other in going out and gawd knows what affect its having on my weight as I havn't had time to work out .Any way I am digressing a bit here.

    First of all my own stance is , affairs can wreck and under mine the most stablest of relationships. I think its fair to say there are a lot of beautiful looking people about at the moment of both sexes, so the temptation is always going to be there especially if you go out regularly . The old addage of the excitiement of something new and shiny doesn't help either.

    SugarB makes a good point in her post abut if you don't pay much attention to your partner and their needs then their head could be turned if someone new comes along and potentially could cater for those needs. So really communication is a key thing in a relationship in order to keep everything tickety boo and this doesn't have to be about just sex either but also of the caring and support of your partner and making sure that they are happy .Problem sharting is also a key factor in a successful relationship .

    What is pertinent to this thread is that a former work colleague came onto me strongly about 3 weeks ago. I have to say I am dissapointed a little as she knows my Mrs very well l as they used to chat to each other when my Mrs used to do some banking for me on her day off. She herself is married 10 years and was out with her husband at the time .she was staggered at how much my looks have changed for the better since my weight loss and it possibly rekindled latent feelings for when we worked together some 19 years ago . I wasn't tempted then as going out with a work colleague was always strictly taboo and she cooled her attempts back then then when she found out that I was married. But if it wasn't the strong bond I have with my Mrs then I could understand why some people stray whilst in a relationship .She came onto me strongly after a visit to the gents out of view of both my Mrs and her husband. Of course I politley said no and let her down gently as I didn't want to damage a very long friendship we have had. To make her feel better I blamed it on the wine she was drinking and left it at that with no damage done . I have still not decided if its best to tell my Mrs or not . I think becasue of my Mrs' fragile comfidence issues , I don't think at the moment I will mention it , as I don't want her to get hurt or upset at something I diffused before anything happened.

    Sometimes also you have to remember grass isn't always greener on the other side.

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