• Sex & romance after childbirth!

    1474488733
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2851
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    wrote a long response... wouldnt post and lost what I wrote I am fried and will try again later if I can.

    Just know you are NOT alone.

    1476083747
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Oh my god I'm terrible, every time I come back to this thread I realise I've forgotten to reply to people again! Sorry 👎🏼 thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply and give advice, I've found it really helpful.

    So helpful in fact, that I finally lost my postpartum virginity on Saturday night! My OH lit loads of scented candles in the lounge and put a duvet and some cushions on the floor (seeing as baby boo was asleep in our room), which was so lovely. Halfway through foreplay baby boo woke up, which rarely happens, so I had to go and breastfeed halfway through, which was a bit of a mood killer!

    This might be TMI, but I found the actual penetration quite painful. I've spent ages worrying about being 'loose' but I actually felt tighter than before and found it really hard to stretch my scar tissue, it felt like it was going to split open and it was very uncomfortable throughout. Not to mention the vaginal dryness from breastfeeding, all the lube in the world didn't seem to help with that! 😣 I had to stop after 10-15 minutes, poor OH ended up with blue balls (literally, it looked quite painful) because he was unable to climax even when I helped him out afterwards. So whilst it was lovely being intimate again it was a bit of a disaster for both of us!

    Ladies who have given birth - is it normal to feel so tight, especially where the scarring is? Does it soften and stretch more over time? I'm 6.5 months postpartum. I'm worried sex will always be difficult now. 😕

    1476093184
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3704
    • Joined: 17 Jul 2013

    I did read that massaging the episiotomy scar with an oil such as Vitamin E , Olive or Almond oil can be helpful, think it would need to be everyday .
    Think it's normal for the scar to feel a bit tight ( mine felt weirdly lumpy but I had a massive tear and both external and internal stitching ) . It should though get better with time , I realise that's not much help to you now but you've at least got the first hurdle of post baby sex done .
    If you could find a doctor that you could chat to about this ( obvs not the rough unpleasant one you had before ) and maybe examine you and put your mind at rest that everything's normal down there and things will improve given time then it might help you relax into a bit more . The problem is once you do something and it's painful you're naturally reluctant to try again !
    Sorry I can't suggest anything more helpful to you but maybe give the oil massage a go ? x

    1476095374
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Thanks Wildflower! I had a second degree tear so it wasn't terrible but I did have external and internal stitches as well. I've heard of perineal massage for pre-childbirth so I'll look that up again, I'm hoping it's just the case that that area hasn't been stretched since giving birth (other than the horrible pelvic exam!) so it's going to take getting used to. Last time a doctor checked me out they said everything had healed perfectly but if it persists I will go back.

    In some ways the experience has worried me but in others it's put my mind at ease, it was painful but not as bad as I expected, I think some of it was due to nerves and the dryness (despite going slow with loads of lube), so hopefully it can only get better from here. 😬

    1476097166
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3609
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    Hey there Boo. That sounds such a romantic setting and lovely gesture by your OH. So sorry it didn't go quite to plan and was painful for you.

    Have a go at the perineal massage like wildflower suggested and also have some alone time if you can with toys to get used to the sensation again. I didn't tear but had a graze and found sex painful the first few times after childbirth. I found a soak in the bath then loads and loads of kissing and foreplay to get really turned on combined with lube made things much easier
    but it does take time. Clitoral stimulation while he penetrates may help you to relax and take your mind off it so that you don't unintentionally tense up so much too.


    Good luck x

    1476101447
    andyappetite [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 32
    • Joined: 1 Apr 2011

    My wifes second childbirth was tough on her.
    She took time to heal both physically and emotionally.
    When she was ready we changed our lovemaking to suit and the variation, experimentation and slowing of pace was good for us both.
    And oh, on a practical note, the grandparents were more than happy to take both the kids out for a couple of hours.
    Plenty of time for some relaxation and then some close time together without having to worry about the kids disturbing us.

    1476102075
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Thank you :) if only I had the time to play with toys, I never do! My son will only nap in my arms during the day, then he's with me all of the time, and by the time he goes to bed (in our room) my OH is around anyway. I think I've masturbated twice since giving birth, in the shower very quickly as bubba doesn't last long without me! There's a lot of amazing things about attachment parenting but it has its downsides too, haha.

    He is exclusively breastfed and won't take a bottle so unfortunately nobody else can watch him either, he gets distressed when I'm not around. I don't imagine I'll get much play time, alone or with my partner, until he's off the boob, which isn't looking likely as he still refuses solids. We have a bit of time in the evenings when he goes to bed but usually we have lots of chores to do then as nothing gets done during the day 👎🏼

    1476102895
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3609
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    A little trick for buying a little alone time which may work and is worth a try at least is to put a t-shirt or nightshirt in beside Baby Boo that you have worn so it smells of you while you have a shower or a quick play. This worked for my little girl if she was grizzly and wouldn't settle when I had to go back to work part-time when she was really small.

    I know exactly what you mean about the chores when they do settle. It is really hard to get it all done and by the time you've got some stuff done sexy time is the last thing we wanted and sleep was the only thing we were able for by then. It does get better though as they get older and then you will have more couple's time together to enjoy again.


    Take care x

    1476140444
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Yeah you're exactly right lmh95, that's why I was so pleased my OH had gone to the trouble of setting up the lounge to be romantic, otherwise I would have just plonked down on the sofa and watched TV after doing everything else. I had confided in him earlier on that I wanted to try and have sex, but that I was frustrated because baby boo wouldn't go to sleep & cried until 2 hours after his normal bed time (the joys of teething) and I had felt as though it was so typical that I was finally ready and then all of that was going on. I was honestly so exhausted by the time I did manage to settle him that I would have just put it off again like I always do, so I'm glad he took that step for us. We need to make the effort more often, even when we don't feel like it, as it really paid off.

    I realise that I've rambled on and on a lot in this thread, my apologies! I haven't really got anybody else to talk to about this stuff anymore.

    1476140751
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    The idea of leaving my son alone so I can go and masturbate or have alone time feels so uncomfortable for me, not that I think it's a bad thing to do (I'm sure every parent has to leave their babies alone occasionally sleeping/playing so they can do chores or whatnot), but I really struggle to separate myself from him as a person. As in, I feel like I've forgotten that I'm my own person and I just feel like his mum so I have to be 100% his, which sounds sad, but I don't know. It just takes getting used to I suppose, when you have somebody relying on you 24/7 for everything it's hard to think of yourself and your own needs!

    1476143866
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3609
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    I had a really great travel cot/play pen with mesh sides that was really handy and was so easy to set up in any room and I used to pop my LO in with their blanket, fabric books and soft toys so that I could get on with doing a couple of jobs throughout the day like cleaning the bathroom while they were in the travel cot in the kitchen, making meals, or having a quick cup of tea, going to the toilet etc and I knew that they were safe and happy in there either sleeping or playing and they could still see me and I could sing or talk to them all the time while I got on with other stuff for a while. It was well used with my son and then with my daughter and it was one of our best baby purchases we made.


    I also felt like I lost my identity a bit too when I started a family and it took me a long time to realise that although I had all the extra responsibility of being a Mum that I was still the same me on the inside. As my kids get older and more independent I slowly rediscovered my identity again and now have a bit more time for myself to enjoy my favourite hobbies once more :)

    1477809903
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Okay, so I think at this point I'm in need of some help again.

    After a few attempts at sex lately (7.5 months postpartum now) I've come to the conclusion that I may have been stitched up too tightly, and I'm devastated. I haven't been able to have sex successfully at all because it's so difficult to get my OH inside of me, and when I do, it's so painful where the scar is and I feel like I'm going to split open again. Most positions are out of the question and even the tolerable ones aren't enjoyable and I've had to stop and end the session. It's definitely not the regular kind of tightness which happens due to nerves etc, it actually feels like my skin isn't elastic anymore at the entrance.

    I don't know what to do at this point. It goes without saying we do lots of foreplay, use SO much lube, go really slow etc, but it's just horrible. I don't want my sex life to be over at 22 😢 Has anyone else experienced this?

    1477812072
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2562
    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    Ok. First off sorry this is happening to you. I am no expert and in fact have never ad children BUT I do watch an awful lot of medical programmes. I remember a you lady suffering in very much the same way as you describe. I don't think it is something youshould be putting up with. If I remember rightly she had a minor procedure to remove a tiny bit of scar tissue that was too tight and they re stitched her and once re healed she never looked back. It could be worth investigating.


    Secondly it seems you have an absolute gem in Mr boogaloo. He is obviously caring and patient, romantic and a gentleman. Congrats to him.

    I hope you get this sorted for both your sakes xxx

    1477815573
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2079
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2014

    Thank you. Yeah my OH is fantastic and very patient, I do feel awful for him though as every time we've tried I've always had to stop before he gets to finish.

    I may need to visit the GP again but I've been dreading it. I had an awful experience last time and I hate that it's taken me months to heal and stop feeling sore and now I may possibly need further intervention :(

    1477832656
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3704
    • Joined: 17 Jul 2013

    Hi Boogaloo, must admit it it is beginning to sound like you've been stitched too tight . Scar tissue can be very tough and inflexible and as you've obviously tried different positions and loads of lube and it still hasn't helped a visit to the doctor is probably the only way to try to get it sorted .
    If you can avoid seeing the same one you saw last time ....I know that's not always easy and it's hard enough to get an appointment at the best of times but I have say that I've actually found male doctors to be more gentle and understanding when it comes to intimate exams than some of the female ones . Maybe try a different doctor .
    As lovingnewtoys has already said it's a very small procedure to remove a tiny piece of scar tissue and restitch , it's more common than you think .( another lover of medical programmes here ! It's amazing what you can learn ).
    Don't worry ,your sex lifes not over yet 😃x

    1477839389
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3609
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    Hi again Boo.

    Sorry to hear that you are still struggling.
    Definitely agree with going back to the GP surgery to get help and hopefully it will be a really simple op to get done and it'll be so worth it after.
    I've also found that a male doctor tends to be much gentler and more understanding when it comes to intimate issues. Take care x

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.