• Sex & romance after childbirth!

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Boo.


    It's great that your partner is being so supportive and is in no rush to have sex. It makes such a difference when there in no pressure.

    I would agree with all the others that as long as you keep communicating, hugging and kissing that things will be fine. Parenthood is hard and it takes a while to adjust to your new roles. It is amazing and rewarding but exhausting too and sex definitely takes a back seat in most households for a while. It does get much easier when they are a little older though.

    I was really lucky and although we tried for ages to get pregnant and were delighted when I finally did I had a very easy pregnancy and birth with just a graze but due to an infection afterwards and general business and tiredness it was 5 months before we had intercourse again and it was a scary thought. I did have the urge now and again but we were so busy and tired when we finally got to bed.


    When we did finally get round to it we just took it really,really slow and it was fine. I had a soak in the bath first which helped to relax me a bit beforehand too.
    I actually found that after the first time when I was a little bit nervous that sex actually felt more comfortable for me than it was before childbirth. Possibly things inside were stretched a bit and I can now cope with deeper positions whereas before it felt like I was being stabbed in my sides and I couldn't go on top or do doggy. It was just too sore before.

    It's good that you have already tried oral and enjoyed it. I would suggest just going really slow with sex. Get used to each others bodies again with a massage and lots of kissing. If you want to try oral again and then leave it at that the first few times to get used to being naked again it would be great to just ease yourself back into it. Then when you feel ready to take things further maybe just get your OH to put on a condom and stroke between your labia with his penis. This feels really nice and would get you used to feeling him down near there again. You don't have to go all the way and could just give him a hand job or oral to finish him off or if you really feel you want to you could just try the tip and over a few sessions go slightly deeper each time till you feel ready for full penetration again.

    Just take tiny steps and when you do eventually try penetration use plenty lube and go for gentler positions like missionary where you can enjoy lots of kissing and eye contact (if you like that) or spooning which always makes us feel really close but if I'm feeling a bit self conscious of my body I feel like I can sort of hide all the wobbly bits. My OH says he loves me wobbly bits and all and I'm sure your OH is exactly the same.

    Another tip as I know it can be really hard to not get distracted when you are a Mum and are constantly thinking of a hundred and one things is to put on a blindfold to heighten all your sensations of touch and sound and just enjoy the warmth of your OH's skin and tenderness of his kisses and touch on your skin.


    Good luck. Take your time. Keep trying with the solo play too. It's a great stress reliever.Relax and enjoy yourself. Hope it all goes well x

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you SO much for the advice everyone! I didn't expect such a great response 😄

    With regards to contraception, we will be using condoms as I really don't like hormonal birth control and the effects it has on the body, I found the coil horrendous too. I'm definitely not counting on breastfeeding as I've known plenty of women to get pregnant even before their periods have returned! I'd love another baby someday but not just yet! 😉

    I spoke to my OH last night and we agreed that when we're ready and actually have time to do it (baby boo started sleep regression after I posted this!) then we're just going to go with the flow and see how far we get, we're not necessarily planning on sex but if it happens then that's great. I explained all of my fears, particularly that it will hurt or feel different down there and he reassured me there's no pressure. He also said that he can guarantee me it will feel pleasurable for him even if I'm not as toned down below as before, and he even thinks it would help him last longer, so he told me not to worry about that (but it still bothers me). I'm trying to keep up with my kegels but I haven't done them as often as I should have, I keep forgetting and I couldn't do them early on as it was too painful (I experience pain when clenching), so it's only recently that I have 😕

    My OH did say one thing which bothered me slightly. He said that he isn't sure how he feels about my breasts now because he associates them with breastfeeding, so he doesn't see them in the same way anymore. I can totally understand that because breastfeeding isn't sexy (and it shouldn't be) but that has knocked my confidence and made me feel less desirable. 😔 I made it clear that I don't want nipple play whilst I'm BFing, but I'd still like him to touch or kiss them. He said he still thinks they look nice but they're not sexual to him right now as they just make him think of our son 🙁

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    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    It can be just as hard for a man to try to separate thoughts of their partner being a mum with being sexual again . With me it was the other way round......my hubby wanted to play with my breasts but while I was breastfeeding I couldn't associate my breasts with any form of sexual activity, it just feel didn't right ,I didn't want them touched especially the nipples which felt a bit hard and rubbery and not nice and sensitive like they used to be .
    Don't let it make you feel less confident,breasts are only one part of your body and I bet his feelings about them will go back to how they used to be once you've finished feeding .
    At least you're communicating with each other and he felt able to tell you how he felt. And yes ,things will feel a little different down there but probably not as much as you think they will . As you say it's best to go with the flow and just try to let things happen naturally, once you've got over the hurdle of actually having sex again for the first time I'm sure everything will soon get back to normal x

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh I can totally understand where he's coming from, literally every time he sees my boobs our son is attached to them or I'm rubbing eczema cream all over them - not very sexy! I don't find my breasts that sexual anymore either to be honest because they look awful for a start and I feel like they belong to my son, it's just sad to hear that he feels the same way because it makes me wonder if he sees all of me like that after carrying a baby. 😕

    It's difficult because I know I do want to get our sex life back and I have been getting horny but my instant feeling when he touches me or tries to get close to me is "ah get away!" (Although I don't say that at all!) and I have no idea why. Perhaps it's an evolutionary instinct to stop me having more kids so quickly!

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    shy perv [sign in to see picture]
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    Its hard to get back to normal sexlife after kids they can kill the mood or demand attention at the wrong moment. Take it steady and build back up remember you are a couple and lovers as well as parents.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Well, I had planned on surprising my OH last night on our anniversary, but things didn't work out.I got myself all clean shaven in the morning (first time in forever!), had the new condoms and lube ready, thought it all through in my head etc. We went out to lunch at an American restaurant we've been dying to try for months and both ate WAAAAY too much, for the rest of the day I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out, and so did he! Not to mention the bubba is going through a 'wonder week' so he's had a personality transplant and was a right handful all day, by the time the evening came around I was in tears from exhaustion and frustration, so when he finally settled down in bed I just crashed out on the sofa!

    OH didn't even hint at sex but I do feel bad as its the first time we haven't done it on our anniversary and apart from going out and stuffing our faces it just felt like a regular day. Oh well, hopefully we can have a belated anniversary tonight!

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh dear Boo. That's a shame that you both felt so ill after your time out together. I don't know what it is about restaurant food but it always seems to be much heavier and richer than home made food. I've often gone home feeling a bit yuck too especially after pasta or pizza.


    Hopefully Baby Boo will settle down again soon. Could he be a bit grizzly with teething just now?


    Take care and don't worry you'll get there.
    Happy Anniversary to you and your OH too :)

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    It's really hard becoming a mum, it's like you have to split yourself into 3 different people - mum, partner, you - and unfortunately being a partner and being a person in your own right kinda get put on the back burner for a while. Which is frustrating! I remember feeling like I was nobody but mum, and my traitorous little beast preferred his Daddy to me! Ungrateful git 😂
    But with time the dynamic shifts again and you learn how to juggle everyone. Once your baba is in his own room and you reclaim your own, it gets better. Granted you spend half the night wondering if he's still breathing and checking up on him, but you soon relax there too.
    As for sex, take as much time as you need, your OH will understand. I tore with both of mine and the scarring after my first would still become uncomfortable during sex right up until having my second! Plenty of lube needed 😂 A lot of it is mental, and needs some will power to take the plunge, but when you're ready just try to relax and enjoy it. And it's not the end of the world if you feel like you have to stop, your Vivien has had a traumatic experience pushing a melon (albeit a cute one) out of a hole the size of a 10 pence piece. She's allowed a break! 😂
    Good luck, trust that everything will fall into place 😁

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Violet Wolf that's so accurate! Especially the melon part... Eesh 🙈 As beautiful as that experience was its still hard to move past the not so pretty side of it, with all the pain and blood and guts.

    I really do feel like just a mum at the moment, I feel like I'm being a terrible girlfriend. I sort of can't imagine being intimate with my OH because it's been so long since we've connected on that level, it doesn't feel natural now. I'm kicking myself for letting things get this way between us, I know it's probably normal but it saddens me.

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    Giving life is a wonderful thing, but it does completely throw you. I struggled when my first came along, I felt like I was just floundering around from one day to the next. It's such a huge change to your life that you think you're prepared for and nobody ever really is. Unfortunately a lot of parents don't talk about the struggles, choosing to present it all through rose tinted filters instead. So yes, the sexual side of this change is completely normal. It does take time to adjust. Doesn't make you a bad gf! I see you were planning a night for your anniversary that didn't quite go as intended. You've made the first step already by planning! It does get better, you'll find yourself again, and you'll find your partner again 😁😁

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    Luscious Libby [sign in to see picture]
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    You have plenty of good advice so not much I can add other than well done to both of you for acknowledging the changes in your life and working at it openly.

    In terms of the mention of breastfeeding as contraception, it is understood (and there have been studies) that it is a reliable form of contraception but only when exclusively breastfeeding on demand with feeds roundabout two hourly. The body recognises that it can't support another baby until the current one is weaning on to food. So best used if you are not that fussed about having an unplanned pregnancy.

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    Heck1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Boo,

    Wasn't that long ago I was feeling exactly the same as you. My LO is 10 month old now and we are finding are feet again in regards to sex.
    I was the same as you torn and grazed and had a few horrible exams after the birth. Also like you I have a very understanding OH. He used similar comments to what your man has to you and I felt exactly how you did. I'm sure how you're feeling won't last forever you will get there in your own time.
    My OH and me only used foreplay and oral for a while before I felt comfortable trying sex again. We bought a couple of soft vibrators to use together before I was ready. Just take baby steps and always talk to your OH. It's a very confusing time with all the hormones running around and a demanding baby in the mix also.
    You'll get there, that's the important thing to remember. If you're not ready to receive maybe make time to give your OH some love.

    Congratulations on your baby

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you again everyone, sorry I didn't reply sooner!

    I just wanted to give an update and get some things off my chest. There has been literally zero progress in this department, not only that, but I feel LESS inclined to renew our intimate relationship than before. I don't know what it is and it's really hard for me to write this, because I feel like I'm a really horrible person for even thinking it... I just don't feel very attracted to my OH right now 😥 I don't feel particularly romantic towards him either and I just want to slap myself because I love him so why am I feeling this way?! I used to be such a cuddly person, now I feel like I cringe when we kiss or cuddle. It's horrible, I feel so guilty and awful.

    Is this normal or is something seriously wrong? 😔 I can tell that he's trying and my head is telling me that it's okay but I seem to have this knee jerk reaction where I'm pushing him away, and I've never done that before. I really don't want to lose my relationship with him and I hate being like this 😩

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    That is normal . Referring to my Mrs , She never felt that she was at her best as all her time was devoted to our son.She had put on quite a bit of weight going from size 14 to size 18 due to her Mars bar cravings . So in her eyes she felt less attractive, She also pushed me away from any sort of intimacy or cuddles etc.

    Of course things did return eventually .

    All I would say is don't do like my Mrs did and push your OH away. At the very least keep your cuddles and kissing going even if you don't feel taking it further. THe sex side of things will look after themselves at a later date when you feel ready.

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    SFTM [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Boogaloo - male here who has been through this with two women.

    First had two natural births and the second had a Caesarian. Each partner had various reasons for hesitating to move back into a sexual rhythm.

    I am just speaking from a male perspective so forgive me if it seems insensitive. It's clear you want to continue continue lovemaking with your partner but the trials of childbirth are preventing that?

    Immediate Term:

    Accept you are exhausted and your body is recovering from one of the most punishing experienced Mother Nature can inflict. Your partner probably knows this but not the full extent of just how tired you are. Grab a bottle of wine and turn of the TV and just tell him what it was like and help him empathise.

    Short Term:

    It sounds like you still want to demonstrate to your partner that you love him so treat him to relief as often as you want. Lead him upstairs, take of his tie. Softly explain to him that you are still recovering but he should close his eyes and let you make him good. Tell him matter of factly that you still love him and you want to feel him come. LH sells an amazing range of lubes (sliquid) is my favourite and also some male toys (Tenga eggs).

    Trust me; he will be more than willing to lay with you and fall asleep with you in his arms in post-orgasmic bliss. There is nothing sexier than a female saying "I am not in the mood for full sex but I still love you and want you to come."

    Medium Term:

    I am not sure how a female makes the transition from "invasive medical procedure" to "sexual being" so I would defer to the females here. However I would imagine that a staged progression of kissing and light touching with fingers should set the ball rolling.

    Once you have achieved orgasm using fingers or toys together your juices should be flowing and after a few weeks you can incorporate sex.

    How does one climb a mountain? One step at a time.

    Re-introduce the loving sexiness and the sex will follow.

    1474392019
    Siren40 [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo wrote:

    Thank you again everyone, sorry I didn't reply sooner!

    I just wanted to give an update and get some things off my chest. There has been literally zero progress in this department, not only that, but I feel LESS inclined to renew our intimate relationship than before. I don't know what it is and it's really hard for me to write this, because I feel like I'm a really horrible person for even thinking it... I just don't feel very attracted to my OH right now 😥 I don't feel particularly romantic towards him either and I just want to slap myself because I love him so why am I feeling this way?! I used to be such a cuddly person, now I feel like I cringe when we kiss or cuddle. It's horrible, I feel so guilty and awful.

    Is this normal or is something seriously wrong? 😔 I can tell that he's trying and my head is telling me that it's okay but I seem to have this knee jerk reaction where I'm pushing him away, and I've never done that before. I really don't want to lose my relationship with him and I hate being like this 😩

    I certainly felt like this after my first baby. Like you I had an episiotomy and things felt very uncomfortable and bruised. For ages I shyed away from any intimate time, as I felt my husband would want more, I knew I felt uncomfortable, but kept telling myself it was in my head. My feeling and desire to be more intimate didnt come back until my baby night weaned around 12 weeks. We eventually had sex and it wasn't great. I was still in pain from scar tissue and the episiotomy. My husband was amazing thou and gradually we did manage it by starting with foreplay and slowly working up. things did get easier and we muddled throu and slowly the sex drive came back... but it was still a bit sore.

    I then fell pregnant with our twins and it was only when i was examined having them a midwife commented on mh episiotamy saying it looked a bit tight and had i had problems?

    So if you are sore please try and see another doctor, as there are procedures to help repair episiotmy problems.. i wish id listened to my instinct at the time and asked for help.

    Fortunately my problems with the episiotomy sorted themselves out with the birth of the twins, but again the sex drive and want to even be close to my hubby disappeared until the breast feeding tailed off a bit. Once they both weaned completely at 15 months the feelings came back

    Please dont beat yourself up. Having a baby is all consuming. Physically and mentally. Lack of sleep, breastfeeding, and that total love you have for your tiny little person all play a part. It leaves you feeling touched out!!

    I did have a huge heart to heart with my hubby as i didnt want him to feel pushed out, and that helped him to understand i loved him, but was struggling to meet all needs.

    He was amazing and gave me lots of space and it gradually improved. And thats why although we are going through a sticky patch im determined to getvthrough it.

    Sorry if this is a bit long winded. Just totally remember how I felt

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all, it really means a lot to me that you've all taken the time to respond and share your experiences.

    I'm not too worried about the sexual side of things at the moment, I've accepted that it might just be too soon for me after all, but I am really concerned that I feel so squeamish with even just hugs and kisses. And I feel like I'm not being very nice in general towards my partner. It's hard to admit, because I know it's wrong and I don't know why I'm being like this. It's like, sometimes I can tell that he's trying really hard to get my attention by goofing around in front of me but instead of laughing like I used to I just feel annoyed and want him to stop. Little things like that I think are really affecting our relationship although we still get on well and love each other, we're not as close as we used to be. I hate myself for being this way and it's really unexpected too. I just want to snap out of it and tell myself that I should all the time but I just can't. 😞

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    sweettooth [sign in to see picture]
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    I am glad someone started a thread on this. Before I met my partner I had a really high sex drive but he didn't and sadly he kinda dragged me down with him, which meant we could go months without having sex. Anyway, by some miracle last year I got pregnant! We have not had sex since we conceived and the baby is now 6 months old!! At first I was so ill I didn't want it, then when I felt better he didn't want to do it when I was pregnant. Now my libido is literally in minus figures. I would be happy to literally never have sex ever again. This shocks me somewhat! I bought some herbal tablets to try and get me going but I don't take them- I need tablets to make me want to take the blooming tablets!!

    He has expressed some concerns on the matter and I have assured him I am trying but the truth is my libido is so low I literally can't even think about it. I have tried to masturbate a couple of times to see if it will kick start me but although it was enjoyable it didn't make me horny. I also started taking the contraceptive pill with the view to having sex, so part of me mentally at least is trying to break out but I am really struggling to get there otherwise 🙁

    Any suggestions? Short of just forcing myself to just do it I am at a loss here...

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    Siren40 [sign in to see picture]
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    sweettooth wrote:

    I am glad someone started a thread on this. Before I met my partner I had a really high sex drive but he didn't and sadly he kinda dragged me down with him, which meant we could go months without having sex. Anyway, by some miracle last year I got pregnant! We have not had sex since we conceived and the baby is now 6 months old!! At first I was so ill I didn't want it, then when I felt better he didn't want to do it when I was pregnant. Now my libido is literally in minus figures. I would be happy to literally never have sex ever again. This shocks me somewhat! I bought some herbal tablets to try and get me going but I don't take them- I need tablets to make me want to take the blooming tablets!!

    He has expressed some concerns on the matter and I have assured him I am trying but the truth is my libido is so low I literally can't even think about it. I have tried to masturbate a couple of times to see if it will kick start me but although it was enjoyable it didn't make me horny. I also started taking the contraceptive pill with the view to having sex, so part of me mentally at least is trying to break out but I am really struggling to get there otherwise 🙁

    Any suggestions? Short of just forcing myself to just do it I am at a loss here...

    Im pretty sure the sex drive will return gradually . I had a really low sex drive from when I concieved until my little ones were around 15-16 months. Partly due to hormones, I breastfed until they self weaned and that can seriously knock sex drive. But a lot of it was tiredness and the feeling I never had a moment to myself. I always had a little person on my lap, round my leg, feeding ect. Being touched out is totally a mum feeling....google it! . when I did have a moment without my little one (s) I just wanted to sit in peace. And the last thing I wanted was my husband touching me ect.. even trying to hold my hand some days made my skin crawl.

    But it did improve and the sex drive came back. If fact my sex drive now is much higher than my husbands

    Please dont knock yourselfs ladies. Its really not unusual to feel like this. X

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    sweettooth [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks 🙂 That does make me feel a bit better about it!

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