• Help!!! Need advise to spice up our sex life!!

    1470837301
    xXWifeyXx [sign in to see picture]
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    Been with my hubby 15years and married for 5 of those. I have never had a very high sex drive and to be honest hubby always initiates sex, frustrating for him.

    Since having our son (3yrs ago after a bad labour) i was suffering with alot of pain during sex. Countless trips to the Gp and finally referred for physio after 2 years of asking and fixed in 8 wks.

    BUT.....the psychological scars are still there. I was told to go off and have loads of sex, great idea i thougt, love it. But couldnt bring myself to do it and started to struggle with body image etc!! Hubby always being supportive of me and coming onto me but me pushing him away.

    I want to be more out going and sexy and a horny wife!! We have sex toys, lube and sexy outfits but.....lacking in sex drive! Now being referred for psychosexual counselling. Its official im broken. And so will my marriage soon.

    Any advice?

    1470837722
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm going to come back to this later when I figure out how to word what I want to say, but I have to comment now and tell you that you are absolutely not broken. I don't know who told you to go and have lots of sex without dealing with the phsycological trauma first, but believe me when I tell you that is really bad advice and I'm not surprised that you're still struggling after all this time with lack of treatment for those scars. Go for the counselling and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to perform for your husband. That will come back in time, but you need to deal with the mental upset first.

    1470838755
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there. Welcome to the forum.


    Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time just now.


    First of all can I ask do you masturbate? It's really important to know how your own body works, what you like and what brings you the most pleasure. I thoroughly recommend some alone time using those toys you already have and lube to relax, rediscover and enjoy yourself.

    It's also really important to keep the connection going between you and your OH even just by simple things like holding hands, hugs, kissing, spending quality time together without sex, date nights and massaging each other. This helped us to reconnect again when we had drifted apart a little when our kids were small.

    Another idea is to take out those outfits and have a dress up session on your own. Get your accessories on too like gloves, jewellery, heels or boots, make-up, wigs etc and have some fun. Practice feeling sexy in the mirror and take some pictures to figure out the best poses to boost your confidence at seeing how good you look.

    Do you read? Erotic stories might help to ignite a bit of fire in your belly and lead to you both discussing fantasies of your own.

    Have you been to get your GP to get your hormone levels checked to see that there is no other underlying causes for your lack of libido ?


    It sounds like you have a very supportive partner and a strong marriage so please don't worry or pressure yourself. It will all sort itself out in time. Good luck :)

    1470839612
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    I'd say that pretty much covers it there.
    We'll said LMH95

    1470840507
    xXWifeyXx [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for the kind words. It has been a battle and a massive struggle to go ask for help again at the doctors. Hubby left me last thursday as was so upset of being pushed away so much for so long which i understand! we see each other everyday and talk but still trying to reconnect. We were away at the weekend and shared a bed for the first time in a week and ended up having a sneaky fumble and quickie both nights, was awesome!

    I just need to think of ways to wake me up and reignite the passion i have for him and be able to show him and come out of my shell.

    Ive lost a stone in weight in the alst 8wks so feeling better about myself so want to show him i am feeling happier

    1470843716
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Wifey - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Although my experience was not exactly like yours having children definately but a damper on things and often during those times I had and sitll sometimes struggle with body image and just dual roles of wife and mother. Sometimes I couldn't find the headspace or the energy to feel like a sexual person whilst being a caregiver to a baby / toddler.

    My wish for you is to date him again, hit a reset button and get the counseling you need to fully recover from what you have been through.

    (virutla hugs - if you are hugger)

    1470847722
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    All great advice above. you are not broken, you have been through physical, and psychological trauma, over a long period, and now associate sex with terrifing pain, NatandTom is right you need to get this sorted first. To you sex is pain of the worst kind, not pleasure, at the moment. Yes if you have had sex now and it's not painful that is good, was the quicky you had, penetration? If it wasn't penetration then I would do as NatandTom said wait until afer the counselling.

    There are other ways to have sex that don't involve penetration, but is it the whole act penetration or not, that affects you ?

    First of all I think your hubby leaving you over this, is so wrong. Thats not the way to help your confidence, he obviously didn't end things, but as you ended up having a quickie, twice, and felt it was awsome, what can I say.

    Tell him how you feel, and how you feel you want to be, and ask him to be supportive and patient, and try to get him to open up about how he feels, so he is less likely to storm out the door, though getting him to open up may take some doing, if hes not a communicator.

    1470848228
    Candysnatch [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw please don't say you're broken. That's just not true. Sexuality is so wrapped up in psychology it's unreal. Even a bad day can put your libido in the bin so it's a real achievement that you even want to put it right. You seem to have been given some really good advice here. I wish I could give you a hug to be honest. 💕 sending love

    1470852685
    Siren40 [sign in to see picture]
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    This forum is just totally awesome

    amazing advice. I echo what has been said. You are not broken! You are going in the right direction with the help you are now getting

    Motherhood is one of the most rewarding times but physically and mentally demanding. If you have had traumatic births it can be a lot to recover from. My first delivery was pretty hairy and although I recovered from the emotional side of it quickly it left me problems due to scar tissue from the episiotomy. Lots of pain with intercourse ect, I should have sought help, but was too embarrassed, but also found it hard to summon any enthusiasm for sex. How our Twins were concevied I'll never know.

    When my twins were born the birth was much more straightforward and completely righted the problems with the scaring and pain... but left both of us with little sex drive. My hubby used to moan that it was a waste him having the snip as we never had sex anyway.

    Things did improve though as the children have got older we are getting more sleep ect and gradually the sex drive started to return!

    My sex drive is now lots higher than hubbys, and i feel great about my body ect.Its not perfect but thats a different issue. But im sure we can work through it

    Im sure if you are keeping the communication open with time and some TLC with your relationship it can all come right.

    Big hugs from me too. X

    1470860148
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to read in your second post that your OH left the family home last week. That must be really hard and unsettling for you and your son. Hopefully it is just a very temporary situation and your OH will be back home where he belongs very soon.


    You mentioned coming out of your shell and a great way I discovered to do this in the bedroom was to wear a blindfold so that I could heighten all the sensations and block visual distractions out. I could finally relax, switch off "Mum mode" and my inner to-do list and just let go.

    A masquerade mask is also great for giving you a sense of disguise so that you can unleash a different more adventurous side to yourself :)

    1470907431
    xXWifeyXx [sign in to see picture]
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    THanks everyone! xx

    We talked last night and had a few tears, plan to go out for a meal and sit down together on saturday evennig. i have bought sexy underwear and dropped into conversation which made him smile. We had a little sexy last night text session so i know the love is still there. He said he has felt hurt for about 18mths and kept trying to tell me how he feels but i was numb to it all. I had completely shut myself down emotionally! He has had health issues lately too which has been scary and i was scared to and didnt give him the support he needed, was a bit selfish really! I really dont know who i am! I have struggled to accept that i am just mummy and not the fun outgoing person i used to be. freinds are married with children too so not as easy to plan nights out and fun.

    1470909540
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    Good to see you & hubby are working on things. You're doing the right things, meal, lingerie etc.

    if you feel you was selfish then concentrate on making it up to him.

    You arent just a mum you have a personality, emotions and feelings that make you you, and why your hubby loves you.

    Get back into hobbies that you're into. Doesn't have to be anything huge, just something to change the current momentum of things. I recommend exercising, purely for the endorphin side of things, will make you feel happier, something to do. I don't mean sign up to a gym and pound away on a treadmill for hours a day. YouTube have plenty of work out videos, so you can do it at home and just pause to tend to your child etc and carry on

    you have to help yourself so you can help and support your relationships

    :)

    1470910651
    xXWifeyXx [sign in to see picture]
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    I attend a boot camp and have made friends through that which is good and planning social outtings also started running and can do 5miles now! I know i need to have some interests of my own so help keep things fresh. Thank you so much for the boost will keep you posted.

    1470933782
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    🚨🚨🚨

    🙄

    1470934425
    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde [sign in to see picture]
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    SquirtyPanda wrote:

    🚨🚨🚨

    🙄

    yes

    1470935120
    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde wrote:

    SquirtyPanda wrote:

    🚨🚨🚨

    🙄

    🤗

    soz xXwifeyXx someone posted a link to some webpage so I reported his post. The 🚨s were for them lol

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