• Is it me?, is it her? or is it both of us?

    1469384685
    BCFC [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry if this is going to be a bit long but wanted to get some advice. First off I love my wife dearly she is gorgeous and I am so lucky to have her, however we have always been a bit of a mismatch in the bedroom department.

    I like to have sex a lot and could do it every day, however she has a fairly low sex drive and would be happy with once a week or less.

    The trouble I have is I think my expectations are too high. I love intimacy and love to kiss, flirt, cuddle etc however she rarely initiates any kissing and in fact she rarely initiates anything and that's the problem. In our 16 years of being together I can think of a handful of occasions where she has jumped me, the rest of the time it's been me being obvious I want to do it and she does it a lot of the time to please me. The trouble is she is quite lazy when it comes to sex and isn't one for hours of play, it feels very much like she wants to get it over and done with in 10 mins and we stick to a position or just playing with each other etc.

    She has come along way from when we first met as she was quite reserved and I wasn't. I have bought her many toys from love honey (she has never bought anything herself ) and she does one some nice lingerie which she will put on occasionally but that's getting less and less.

    She now does look at porn with me if I suggest it as well and pictures and we like that but again its me suggesting things.

    Perhaps I need to calm things down, be happy with what I have and don't be grumpy but at the same time I feel like I am missing out on things I want to try.

    She doesn't like me playing with her boobs as it doesn't do anything for her, likewise with oral she isn't bothered. She also hates giving me oral but will do it occasionally if I wear a condom. I just wished she would want it more, be a bit more dominant and act like she wants to have sex with me.

    We have talked / argued about this subject for years and we both always say we will try harder but it never really gets better.

    The funny thing is she is very sexy and great in bed when she actually puts the effort it and just want to see a bit more of that.

    I dont really know what I am asking but just wanted to get it out. I would do anything for her outside and inside the bedroom but I feel like we are a mismatch in that department. We do have young kids and she is tired a lot of the time and I get that and try to do as much as I can but sex is a priority for me and it isn't for her.

    1469385827
    Choconala [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there :) this post reallh spoke to me as it was exactly like how i was with my partner up until recently. Infact this post sounded like it was wrote about me! Lol now I don't really know what advice to give because my sex drive disappeared after having a baby and has came back itself. But until it did i felt like it caused a lot of tension in my relationship, i just couldn't be arsed and was tired! Sleep became more important to me. Now coming from me it will be hard for your other half too, i always found it hard when i knew my partner was hinting on for sex and i would just bloody get it done so i could go to sleep and i didnt want that, i wanted so hard for me to be able to actually want it! The best advice i can give you myself would be to talk to her about how your feeling :) see if there is anything she is feeling too about the subject. She could be feeling self conscious or anything! Sorry that this reply isnt much help please keep us updated xx

    1469386754
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    We were in a similar position, two young children, I'm doing all the initiating, getting moaned at for always wanting sex and then when we did have sex it was one way traffic.

    It all came to a head for us around March/April time and (and I'm not suggesting you are not) fortunately we were able to discuss things like adults. We put a few things in place, Mrs LUC isn't a fan of giving oral but has accepted it as an occasional "treat" we also had a few old school dates, met up after work and walked up together to collect the kids, holding hands stuff like that.

    The odd takeaway & film of an evening rather than sat across the room from each other tweeting or Facebooking strangers.

    We were also given the Monogamy game for our anniversary by some well wishing friends and, although it ends up with sex it is a good way to reconnect with your partner even after in our case 18 years.

    Our review is in our profile.

    All the best and I hope you get through everything. Young children take up a hell of a lot if your time but it's important to make time for yourselves.

    Hope this helps.

    1469387044
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    Thanks for the reply, guess I feel like I am being a jerk and need to understand her side of things but at the same time I think if something feels good then why wouldn't you want to do it lots.

    I think we need more alone time but with kids and work we hardly have anytime for anything.

    I love her so much and tell her everyday and say how nice she looks etc. However I am also controlling in some ways as I like her to wear nice underwear ( I like underwear who doesn't) but she feels like she can't wear what she likes.

    I do get grumpy if we don't do it and I think that's just the hormones etc I need that release..

    I think I need to get over thinking she is the one with the problem because perhaps I am and should stop wanting it so much.

    Like I said we have talked about this before and I have told her the sort of things I want to try and do and she has talked to me about never feeling good enough in the bedroom so why bother as she can never live upto my expectations.

    1469388056
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    From a woman's perspective, I enjoy sex and it feels good, but I don't want to do it lots. I'd rather have intimacy or foreplay because these things are more enjoyable to me. I can't orgasm from sex alone, so it doesn't feel as fantastic for me as it does for my partner. If your wife is the same and is one of the many women not able to orgasm from penetration, she simply might not be enjoying it. Ask her. Is there anything you can do to make it more pleasurable for her? Lubricant, clitoral vibrator, orgasm balm?

    I know if my partner was constantly hinting for sex then I'd feel put off and pressured, probably wouldn't want any either. I don't think calling her lazy for not wanting hours of sex is going to help your situation. Some people lose arousal faster than others and just orgasm once then want to forget about sex. I get like this sometimes.

    I would stop being controlling regarding underwear as again this could make her feel pressured. If she wants to wear a basic t-shirt bra and comfortable knickers, so what? I'm sure she's beautiful regardless of her underwear choices. Let her wear what she wants, if she told you she feels like she can't do that, then you should stop asking her to do things that YOU want. What about what she wants?

    It seems your putting your needs before hers and she knows this. I don't think you'll get anywhere until you put her needs first. She's said she doesn't feel she lives up to you expectations, implying she's probably self conscious in the bedroom. Let her know that you love what she does. Tell her she's great. Listen to what she wants to try, because like I said before, your puttingyour wants and desires before hers. The best approach would probably be 'what do you want me to do? I want to make YOU feel good'

    Once she regains her confidence between the sheets, she's more likely to be open to trying new things and doing it more often. I apologize if you think I'm being harsh, but I think it's important to understand why your wife might feel the way she does. It will be the kickstarter to getting things back on track.

    1469388744
    Choconala [sign in to see picture]
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    Couldn't have put it better natandtom :) xx

    1469389363
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    Thanks NatandTom this is just the kind of reply I need as the thread suggest I am not sure who has the issue.

    Thanks for the suggestion about lube etc. She can cum via penetration and clit and often uses a clit vibe when we do it. She can also get very wet and Squirt so all is good in the hood so to speak. For me it's the lack of intimacy, initiation and feeling wanted that's the main issue.

    I agree I need to be less controlling and let her wear what she wants and I try to keep my thoughts to myself about this.

    She is definitely self conscious when she is naked but has no reason to be as she has amazing boobs and a great looking pussy.

    I do tell her how good it was afterwards and try to explain that's why I want more if it, however she doesn't like to analyse afterwards. She also likes me to cum first as she does loose interest after she has cum. I also find that she prefers me to play with myself and she watch and she does the same. This is great but not what I want to all the time, don't think she has ever just whipped my cock out and started playing because she wanted it.

    Anyway thanks for the input much appreciated

    1469390324
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    I think she's probably self conscious during sex acts too, which is why she doesn't initiate. She might feel like she's being judged or not doing something well enough for you, so she just doesn't bother.

    I like my partner to cum first too as after intimacy I just like to forget about sex for a while. I would talk to her during the act instead, tell her when something she's doing feels good, or tell her she looks beautiful between kisses. Make her feel loved and wanted, let her take back control of what she wears and things like that, then you might see a change in her.

    The issue sounds like both of you to be honest, she feels self conscious to do things, you take that as she doesn't want to Initiate or be intimate, which makes her feel pressured and the cycle starts again. Communication is the best way to get through this. You could always write her a letter if you find that words arent getting anywhere, leave her to read it alone and see what comes from it

    Hope it all works out :)

    1469391092
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    Why not buy a couple of toys for you both, a clit stimulator and a masturbator for example, something you could maybe use together or on each other simultaneously?

    1469395936
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry, in my opinion, it's you!

    From reading your posts, I had a few alarm bells ringing in my head. Why would you want to control what underwear she wears all the time? For me I work stupid crazy shifts and if my OH wanted me to go to work for 13 hours wearing a crotchless thong he would have another thing coming. You are being too controlling, and she is probably scared of being judged by you as she may be worried she isn't enough for you.

    For me, actions speak louder than words. You tell us that you love her, and would do anything for her, but what are you doing to show and prove that to her? Can you send her flowers at work? Take her out to dinner? Leave her little notes in her lunchbox etc etc? It sounds like you are putting your needs before hers and she is probably a little fed up, overwhelmed and self concious.

    I would back off the sex for a while and concentrate on the intimacy between you both first, then everything else will follow.

    1469398981
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    Thanks Sugarboobies

    I agree that I need to back off about the underwear and I never tell her what to wear, she just thinks that I will be grumpy if she puts on a pair of cotton pants instead of some Lacey ones. I have already said today that I will back off and want her to be comfortable and happy.

    However outside of the bedroom I am one of the most romantic men you will find. I regularly bring home flowers, buy her little pressies I think she will like, leave notes in her bag saying how much I love her, give massages. Not once has she done anything like that for me which again makes me feel unwanted.

    I am always thinking of her when I am out, I also do a lot around the house and work a full time job. I am knackered as much as she is but still try to make an effort in the bedroom department as it's very important to me.

    I agree with all your comments and I am going to work hard at giving her what she wants and needs and see how it works out. I am a good guy and I do love her and our marriage is perfect apart from this one issue which we can't seem to find a solution to.

    We did used to have date nights but she refuses to go back to them because she may not want it when date night comes and can't just turn it on like a tap which I understand.

    Will see how things pan out.

    1469399984
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Why does she refuse date nights?

    I don't think it's something that will change over night, but I do think you should sit down and talk with her about things, and see what she has to say. As painful as it may be, just be brutally honest with eachother and see how things turn out.

    x

    1469442736
    krash73 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with everything sugarboobies has said.

    Be honest and talk it through. My partner is a very sexy woman but does not feel sexy (her words) all of the time like I do. So she likes lots of foreplay starting with a night of bump & grind at a local night spot. Quite often the less planned the better it is. LH helps us in 2 ways. I buy her stuff that she may or may not want to use or wear (always her choice) and for those days when she is just not simply in the mood I can sort my self out. It will never be th same on my own but it satisfies the daily lust that I feel and means that I am ready for her when she is.

    1469443012
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    sugarboobies2232 wrote:

    Sorry, in my opinion, it's you!

    From reading your posts, I had a few alarm bells ringing in my head. Why would you want to control what underwear she wears all the time? For me I work stupid crazy shifts and if my OH wanted me to go to work for 13 hours wearing a crotchless thong he would have another thing coming. You are being too controlling, and she is probably scared of being judged by you as she may be worried she isn't enough for you.

    For me, actions speak louder than words. You tell us that you love her, and would do anything for her, but what are you doing to show and prove that to her? Can you send her flowers at work? Take her out to dinner? Leave her little notes in her lunchbox etc etc? It sounds like you are putting your needs before hers and she is probably a little fed up, overwhelmed and self concious.

    I would back off the sex for a while and concentrate on the intimacy between you both first, then everything else will follow.

    Whilst I agree with what my friend has posted , I do feel its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other .

    However the only way to get this sorted is for both of you to get together and hatch a plan of remedial action to get things back on track again and not to blame each other for this situation .

    1469475607
    BCFC [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the useful comments, we had a chat last night and agree that both of us need to make more effort in different ways. I think things will improve and we had a cheeky play last night which was a bonus.

    I have told her I know that I am being a twat about a few things and I will try to do better and I think she realises she could do better as well.

    Thanks again peeps x

    1469475823
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Glad to hear you had a successful chat and some fun afterwards. Hope things continue in this direction x

    1469476036
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    NatandTom wrote:

    Glad to hear you had a successful chat and some fun afterwards. Hope things continue in this direction x

    +1

    Sounds like you've made a good start xxx

    1469476797
    luvved up cupple [sign in to see picture]
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    Awesome news hope this us the start of good things for you both.

    1469478742
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Agreed sounds promising

    1469498992
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    It seems like you've received a lot of good advice and I'm glad to read that there's been some improvement in the situation. However, I felt a little bothered reading your post and I just had to point out a few things.

    "The trouble is she is quite lazy when it comes to sex"

    " but at the same time I feel like I am missing out on things I want to try."

    "We have talked / argued about this subject for years"

    The impression I get is that you come across as pretty resentful towards your wife. I get that you've put in a lot of effort, so it's natural to feel frustrated. However, if you bring this resentment into the bedroom, it would only make her feel pressured. You sound like a loving couple, bedroom issues aside, so she'd naturally want to do better to please you. But over time, this could feel like a chore. When you try too hard to enjoy something, it could backfire and cause you to dread it even more.

    Sex drive and arousal is honestly not something that can be controlled. There was a period of time in my life when I just lost my mojo. It's like my libido was just wiped away. It was a stressful time for me and I'm so glad that my partner fully respected that. He was so supportive and it brought us closer together. When one partner has less of a sex drive than the other, she can feel pretty guilty. I know I did, and I can imagine that your wife feels the same way. But it's not like a light bulb that you can flick on. It's not mind over matter.

    You mention that you've been doing a lot of romantic things for her, which is wonderful. My concern is whether or not these are means to an end. The worst thing would be for her to see your romantic acts as preludes to sex, as though they come with strings attached. Once again, instead of encouraging or arousing her, it might ignite some form of guilt or resentment of her own.

    "The funny thing is she is very sexy and great in bed when she actually puts the effort"

    I feel like the way you phrased it makes it sound like home work. You know like a teacher's comment: "This child shows much propensity in mathematics when he puts in the effort."

    Most likely, those good sessions happened because she was actually aroused. I'd say that it was so good for her, not because she was putting in the effort but because she did not need to try. It just happened. She got turned on.

    "We do have young kids and she is tired a lot of the time"

    And there you have the reason for her low sex drive. After putting the kids to bed, maybe all that she wants is some "me" time or to hit the sack before she has to get up early to handle them again. Is she working as well? If she is working, taking care of the kids after a day or work is probably really draining. You have your high sex drive to give you that burst of energy you need in the bedroom. If she is a stay at home mum, a day full of cartoons and running after children does not really set the stage for sexy, fun times.

    Either way, I can see how the tiredness can exemplify her own passiveness about sex. It can be hard to juggle being both mother and wife.

    I get that it's very hard for you, and really, kudos for trying so hard. I would, however, suggest that you back off, at least for a while. I don't know anything about your situation because the only information that I have is what you shared on this board. But it does seem like there's some unintentional guilt tripping and resentment that is hanging over the both of you. You need to fix that. Forgive each other and start on a fresh slate. 

    My advice is, throw sex out of the window for now. Have lazy nights, where all that you do is snuggle together and watch movies. Play silly games and laugh at each other's unglamourous antics. Reconnect emotionally. Most importantly, do all these without sex being the end goal. If it happens, great. If not, hey. You had a wonderful time together and that's what counts. 

    She's made the effort to have more sex for you. I think it's time you made the effort to have less sex for her, just for now.

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