• First-time gay or lesbian sex

    1469017623
    Lovehoney - Sammi Cole [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey everyone!

    I'm in the middle of writing a piece on first-time sex, and was wondering if any gay or lesbian members would mind sharing a little about losing their virginity? The kind of thing I'm looking to know is: 

    Was it with a member of the same sex?

    What do you count as 'losing your virginity' (e.g. oral, anal, sex with a toy)?

    Did you encounter any problems? If so, what were your solutions?

    It's intended as an advice piece for young people so any insight would be incredibly helpful.

    Thanks! 

    Sam

    1469028056
    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Sam,

    So I lost my virgnity to a guy I had been 'seeing' for a few weeks. He came to stay for the night and he said he had 'something special' planned. I wasn't really sure about my first time... I was told I would be the bottom and he would be the top. I remember being nervous whilst I knew what the whole shebang was all about, I was still a little hesitant.

    My first time was painful, because I was nervous/anxious and I let him take control, rather than the other way round. But I learnt a lot from that experience, and I wouldn't change a thing. I always advocate now that first timer bottoms should be in control and I recommend the 'on top' position, so they can control speed/depth of penetration - it certainly would have made it more comfortable for my first time!

    Virgnity is such a broad term and honestly, to me - any intimate act that results in an orgasm (with a partner, of course)! Counts in my book. Just always remember to take it slow and under your terms!

    Hope this helps in some way!

    1469036360
    fairehlights [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Sam :)

    So, I ''lost'' my virginity to my best friend at the time, of the same sex. We'd been flirting and making out for ages and at a sleepover it just...happened. It was a little awkward and neither of us knew what we were doing that much, but we explored together. She mostly took control as she was older and more experienced. It was an incredibly special experience for me, not because I ''lost'' my virginity but because it was wonderful and with someone I cared about deeply.
    It's important to note that we were both quite young, and whilst I can't openly advocate sexual exploration, I dont regret my experiences and can't think of a better person (in the circumstances) for my first time to have been with.

    As a ladygay, I class any sexual activity as 'doing it', even if some people don't think it is. That's one good bit of advice to young people: you class sex as what you want. You don't have to defend your experiences, and no-one can tell you you haven't had sex if you feel you have.

    I think for young people, it's important to not feel pressured and to only have sex with people you want to. They don't have to be The One and I don't believe in waiting for that One person, or for marriage, as you may end up being sexually incompatible because you don't know yourself, and that can cause more issues than one may realise.
    But if you're close to somone and you both wanna do it, then go for it, just be safe and sensible.

    My main thing is, don't worry about it. I don't believe in virginity, and you don't ''lose'' anything the first time you have sex. It's a social construct designed to shame and humiliate, and is completely rediculous. Do what you want and when you feel ready, sod what other people think or are doing. And so with that in mind, don't make it a big deal to have sex. There's no rush, but it's also not going to ruin your life if you do.

    Always be safe and use relevant protection, and always always always gain consent, but otherwise...go forth and have fun.

    With first time sex of any kind, just go slow, communicate, and be gentle. Don't put too much pressure on either of you, and explore it together.

    TL;DR:
    No pressure
    Virginity is bollocks
    Be safe
    COMMUNICATE

    1469040635
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    First of I won't comment on loosing my virginity, as I didn't loose it I had it taken from me. What I will do is share my feeling on the subject.

    From a LGB perspective, I would say be sure about your feelings, before having sex, don't feel pressured to have sex, with a staight person because you feel society doesn't accept you being gay. It may be 2016 but there are still a lot of people out there that live in 1940. And don't feel pressured by other LGBs to have same gender sex either, it's no different than for straight people, who feel pressured by their peers to have sex.

    I would say wait until your are confident to be "out" most gay people will not "out" another but there are or at least there used to be when I was young, an element in the gay community who belived that it was every gay persons duty to be out to support the community as a whole. Coming out is a bit like loosing your virginity, you can't undo it once your familly knows. It should done on your terms.

    No one controls who they fall for, and many young gay people can find them selves falling for a straight person, treat such things as part of the falling in love thing; everyone can fall for someone who doesn't fancy them, just because it's about sexuality, doesn't make it any different.

    Gay sex is no different, it's the same act, there are no special rules, many gay men feel pressured to have anal sex because thats what gay men do, top, bottom, or versatile, anal sex is NOT part of being a gay man, it's a hetro myth. Many gay coulpes do not include anal sex as part of their sexual repertoire.There are plenty of lesbians who don't feel the need, or want to be penetrated. if you don't like the Idea. It's a sex act like any other, and so is a choice, just the same. There are many other things to enjoy doing together.

    Just because pregnancy is out of the frame is no reason to forget about safe sex.

    Learn about your own body first, explore use touch with fingers, see how a toy feels, you may feel that the first thing you ever have inside you should be part of a person, and thats OK, but if you feel you would like to explore your body further on your own, and feel more in control and want to penetrate yourself first thats fine too. In my opinion loosing your virginity is about sharing your body with another person, see it as a series of firsts, not a one shot deal, first kiss, first oral, first penetration, they are all part of your first time, your "virginity" even having penetration consists of giving, receiving, and orgasm. And each is a first when you have it the first time, you could have received anal sex and your partner doesn't ejaculate, but you have still had anal sex, just not had a partner ejaculate inside you.

    When you find someone and have decided that you want to have sex, talk to the person, about it, what you feel you may like or dislike. There is no rush to head straight for penetration, whether gay anal or lesbian toy or finger sex, learn about each other, how you like to be touched, go only as far as you feel comfortable, if you want to bite the cherry one nibble at a time and not go the whole way the first time, make sure your lover knows this and will accept it.

    Find somewhere safe I wish more parents would tell there kids that when they want sex that they can use their own bedroom and get the house to them selves. It was a not under my roof attitude in my youth. Take your time touch each other kiss, From what I know of others first time, it tends to be a quick get it over and out of the way thing, full of nervious anxiety and not knowing what to do, and can be an unpleasant learning curve for the person receiving penetration. It doen't have to be that way, as David has said if there is to be one person who is going to receive penetration, they should be in control. If one partner is experienced and one not then the inexperienced one should be incontrol, and if they are to be the one penetrating then the more experienced one should guide the act, for both their comfort.

    Same sex couples generally find it easier to understand each others bodys obviously, but other than that there is no difference to same sex encounters, than hetro ones.

    Sorry if this is not what you were after.

    1469040720
    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi :)

    Don’t know if I’ll be of any help but I’m bisexual and my first sexual experience was with a girl.

    We only got as far as kissing, groping and rubbing clit which I personally didn’t consider sex or losing my virginity. I consider that I lost my virginity when I had P in V sex with my current OH.

    Whilst for me I didn’t consider the first encounter to be sex it very well could have been considered it to her or to someone else. Virginity is such an abstract concept meant to put women into boxes and I thoroughly hate it. There are plenty of things more intimate and sexual than a P in V that can be far sexier but it’s such a subjective grey area.

    Even in this country a person with a vagina can’t be charged with rape as the law itself states that a penis is required by the perpetrator (I strongly disagree with this). This is just heteronormative, sexist bullsh*t. See link > http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/losing-virginity-for-good/

    To a young LBGTQIA+ individual I would say don’t let someone’s opinion of what they think sex is define you. Don’t feel that you HAVE to do a certain thing to be considered “not a virgin”, not that there’s anything wrong with being a virgin anyways. Do your thing with your partner and be safe, sane and consensual about it.

    1469041142
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    MondaySixteenth wrote:

    Even in this country a person with a vagina can’t be charged with rape as the law itself states that a penis is required by the perpetrator (I strongly disagree with this). This is just heteronormative, sexist bullsh*t. See link > http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/losing-virginity-for-good/

    Belive me It feels like it's rape.

    Sorry Sam but I just had to say this.

    1469041492
    sexcrazedbear [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you have to be LGBTQI to answer this? The reason I ask is because I consider myself straight (ok maybe a little bent) but my first sexual experience was with a male neighbour. I was about *removed by moderator* and he was a year older and it was a summer of loving exploration involving mutual and reciprocal masturbation, rimming and digital anal penetration but not sodomy. I'm sure we would have got around to that but his Dad suspected something and "caught" us at it in a field near home. We weren't alowed to see each other after that.

    I guess it taught me some wrong things that took a few years (well, decades actually) to get over. Now, I wish we'd not been found out as I think I would have spent my life more fulfilled as a bisexual man.

    I did see it as losing my virginity at the time, after all, those were my first orgasms but I was very naive, so I wouldn't have known what to do with a girl anyway.

    Since then all my sexual partners have been women and none were interested in bisexuality/sharing, so it's become a somewhat frustrated aspect of my sexuality.

    As for advice to young people, I couldn't legally say it's ok to have sex with whoever you want at the age of *removed by moderator* but I would say that most men are at least to some extent bisexual and that it is a mistake to try to define or label your sexuality. Safety from STDs and exploitation are more important that who you fuck.

    1469042378
    sexcrazedbear [sign in to see picture]
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    Re the rules on posting.

    Oops, forgot about that bit and I don't know how to edit after posting. Guess they'll take it down anyway. Apologies to the moderators. No offence intended.

    1469050688
    fairehlights [sign in to see picture]
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    I think they're gonna have to give us a free pass on the age thing on this as long as we star it out and don't directly advocate underage sex, because a lot of the most valuable advice in this situation will come from young people and people who started doing it whilst younger, in my opinion anyway.

    1469053587
    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Belive me It feels like it's rape.

    Sorry Sam but I just had to say this.

    It must be absoulutely horrific and I can't begin to imagine what it must be like. The law is VERY outdated and sexist/heteronormative in parts to say the least.

    1469093427
    Lovehoney - Sammi Cole [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks to everyone for all your responses, it's been very insightful!

    1469093741
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    MondaySixteenth wrote:

    Even in this country a person with a vagina can’t be charged with rape as the law itself states that a penis is required by the perpetrator (I strongly disagree with this). This is just heteronormative, sexist bullsh*t. See link > http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/losing-virginity-for-good/

    Belive me It feels like it's rape.

    Sorry Sam but I just had to say this.

    This actually makes me feel sick. It's horiffic.

    1469094007
    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not sure if my experience is relevant here, because I identify as pansexual, not lesbian.

    This might sound a bit odd, but I think it's probably common to a lot of young queer women. My first sexual feelings were towards a straight girl, we didn't do more than make out but she was the first person i was close to that I really wanted to have sex with. However, she identified as straight so it was not going to happen. I think one problem is being young and queer in a small place where there's no one else queer to socialise with. I bet the internet does a lot to help young people feel supported nowadays.

    Anyway I ended up losing my 'virginity' to a boy. He was my boyfriend, but we weren't very close, in fact I was painfully awkward around him. We weren't in love and he didn't feel special. I had sex with him really because I was incredibly horny, I really wanted a sexual release and he was sexually interested in me. I was the one who was encouraging sexual acts.

    I don't regret a thing either. From this my advice is it's okay to just be young and horny. You don't need to feel pressured to wait until you fall in love. No one should ever slut shame you, and sex should only happen following enthusiast consent.

    I agree with above comments that sex can be whatever you want it to mean, you get to decide if the intimacy you shared with another person is sex.

    1469152555
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    sugarboobies2232 wrote:

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    MondaySixteenth wrote:

    Even in this country a person with a vagina can’t be charged with rape as the law itself states that a penis is required by the perpetrator (I strongly disagree with this). This is just heteronormative, sexist bullsh*t. See link > http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/losing-virginity-for-good/

    Belive me It feels like it's rape.

    Sorry Sam but I just had to say this.

    This actually makes me feel sick. It's horiffic.

    I am being off topic on this thread but I wanted to say something about this.

    I have to admit that in the past, I've had issue with a male being raped using his penis (not talking about anal here). That is, because I have lived it myself, I always thought that the experience was less intense because there was only psychological pain and no physical pain Yes it's bad, and can still be traumatizing, but it's not as bad (it's like if I classified rapes by importance - anal being the worst, followed by vaginal and then mouth, and penile). You know that I was doing that with the circonstances, but I was also doing it by body parts) .

    This was untill meeting you Alicia (sorry to associate male and penis here). When I met you you where a man in my eyes (because you hadn't came out yet) and I can remember reading one of your old posts, the first I have read, and it made me cry. You where describing your experience and how you've been used and since then, you've made me see things diffirently.

    I know very well how those experiences had impacted your life (and still do) and I have to say that I regret the thought that a man having his penis used while he doesn't want to isn't rape. Please forgive me. You know that I was also a lot in the "a man has it better" thoughts so it probably didn't help either. Now I know that rape is rape and you just can't compare. I think that the fact that we suffer of the same issues even though our experiences aren't exactly the same just shows that, again, there is no such thing as "real rape" and "false rape"

    Again. sorry for I have had such thoughts in the past. Thanks for enlighting me.

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