• Leash

    1468886340
    August_A&R [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 44
    • Joined: 1 Feb 2016

    Hi all.

    Not what I want from this, but I'm just needing an a place to express some emotions and thoughts right now. Just re-read this, sorry for the following essay.

    Right, my wife and I have been on a sexual discovery over the last few months and have gone from vanilla sex and have introduced anal play (both giving and receiving) and a little bit of BDSM. Now for me, I've yet to hit a hard limit and think I know what they are. If I'm honest i will try pretty much anything at least for once and everything my wife has suggested has only turned me on more. I've always had a high sex drive and these days I just want more and more.

    Now I'm pretty much an open book and have told my wife what I want to do and I've tried to get her to do the same. She's quite hard to open up and if I enquire what her fantasies are I get one of two responses.

    1 she doesn't have any

    2 I like what you like

    Recently I've got a few hints that there is something else there but nothing concrete and it annoys the shit out of me. She has for filled a few of mine and is helping me discover others I didn't even know I had. But she won't allow me to reciprocate. What she did admit too is that she didn't want to 'scare' me or something like that, it was a mumbled under the breath comment! She won't discuss it either grrrrrrrr!

    Now I 'think' she'd like to take BDSM further but I can't gurantee it. For example I think this because one of her fav films is the secretary and we had amazing (but vanilla sex) after we watched it. She has generally enjoyed me spanking her and watching shades of grey also had a similar impact (again got her horny leading to sex, but ended being vanilla)

    Now bit more information. I always thought of myself of a Dom. I've tied a few people up in the past, in the early days of dating I even tied my wife up, used a bit of ice etc etc. However recently When trying to get some of this brought back into the bedroom she's told me she doesn't like being tied up etc. However she has tied me up a couple of times and to be honest I bloody loved it, in fact I think I'm swinging to a sub. The thing is I think she likes tying me up, but I don't know if I'm being a man and 'reading she likes it' rather than 'hoping she likes it' if you know what I mean.

    Another fantasy of mine is to have her dress up in a corset or similar and I've dropped more than a few hints, I've dam well told her straight to her face, but she pretty much flatly shuts any suggestion of this down. I want her to do this because A I think she'll look hot and B I hope it might empower her especially since she's appeared to enjoy tying me up.

    So I'm feeling a bit mixed up with all of this, but last night I've become more confused and more horny and I really don't know what to do with myself.

    We were shopping on LH trying to spend £20 on stuff to get a free toy. I put a few things on the list as suggestions (including underwear which she promptly removed) and passed the list over for her to review. After a bit of discussion (read nagging from me to get her to add things other than safe items like lube) she did the following

    1 removed a hot corset type thing, 2 removed a bed harness restraint thing (she's told me she doesn't want to be tied to a bed), 3 kept a pinwheel thing (I added it as a test to see what she did with it as I thought it would take our BDSM experience to another level entirely)

    4, added the following a over the door restraint, rope, plastic tape tie thingies, a flog and a leash!

    Firstly nothing on that list scares me, to be honest I just get an erection thinking about the items and where it might lead. They're arriving tomorrow.

    However I keep having the following thoughts.

    1 she's buying it to just make me happy, and to toe the line

    2. What the hell do I with a leash. Do I wear it, if so how should I act. Does she want to wear it. If so, again how do I act. In both situations I'm not sure I'm going to keep a straight face, I'm worried I will behave wrong. If this is her finally opening up I don't want to laugh and embarrass her or put a foot wrong. I tried telling her I was worried about doing this, but all I got was a few closed question type responses of 'OK ' Arrrrrgh how am I meant to know how to do with that.

    I really want to do the right thing, but it's sooo hard to know what to do.

    3. Why an over the door restraint and not a bed one?

    Im so confused right now and horny it's stressing me out.

    Final nail in the coffin.

    Tonight I tried to get her to come to bed early. She refused saying it was too hot. Fair enough I thought. We've watched some telly and then started the bedroom routine (lights off, locking doors etc) and I go to kiss her, she kisses back, next moment I'm on the couch, my cocks in her mouth.

    She pulls me forward off the couch on to her knees. Now I'm 6ft 8 and not exactly thin. I resist sitting on her knees thinking I will hurt her. Next moment all the passions gone from her. She goes to bed and I'm left with cock rapidly becoming flaccid.

    Im so all over the place, I can't go to bed with her and I've come here and written this. Not sure wtf to do or think right now.

    Any insight from the fairer sex greatly appreciated

    1468897371
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1299
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    First thing I see is this, you have a high sex drive, and now you just want more and more, what's a girl to do. She's doing more for you, and your response is to want even more.

    Then you want her to dress up in sexy underwear, because it will turn you on; which is I supose is going make you want even more. Do you see the picture I'm painting here.

    Sure it's great to dress in sexy undies, but it can soon start to feel like you are only something to turn a guy on, and thats, the only way you see us. As being sexy and providing sex.

    Feeling like she is annoyng the shit out of you is so the wrong attiude, as is feeling horny all the time, don't you think she can sense how horny you are all the time; where's the love, the romance, you don't talk of that here, just wanting sex.

    She says she doesn't want to go to bed early, then she suddenly goes down on you, I would be feeling better to go for a bj on my terms, than to get in bed with a still horny guy, and have to fend it off there. So what do you do, you don't trust her to know what she's doing and you take charge of the situation; ok so you were unsure if she could take your weight, but it would still have felt like you were taking over.

    And yes a woman likes a guy to take charge, but not to be railroaded, or to have the game taken out of our hands because it's not the way the guy wants it. It was just a bj, if you were conserned you should have said I'm i doing this right, are you Ok. No wonder it killed it for her.

    Calm down and try to see this from her point of view, tone down the sex, and turn up the romance, give the kink a rest for awhile, and show her you see her as a woman and a partner, first and foremost. If you can't control yourself, buy a male masturbator, and tell her you are going to have some alone time, and do just that. That will show her you have respect for her limits, it's so hard to turn it on for even someone you love, if you are not in the right frame of mind, at the time. Sex for most women is an emotional thing, and it takes emotional strength, for it to be a good thing.

    As for her kink, tell her that you don't care what it is, what scares you the most is that she is scared of how you will react; it should be (all about her). From the way you talk I would be scared of you too; I know you want to do the right thing, so leave her kink alone for a while, but when you do try to bring it up, tell her it will go down EXACTLY the way she wants it to, tell her you are nervous and you are scared you will laugh and spoil the moment, because you don't know how she wants you to be.

    And calm the rage thing, soooo not sexy. Love and understanding, support, and respect.

    1468898667
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Sure it's great to dress in sexy undies, but it can soon start to feel like you are only something to turn a guy on, and thats, the only way you see us. As being sexy and providing sex.

    This though ^^

    When I first read it, I didn,t see it that way but I think Alicia could be right on this one and I can easily see where she's coming from. it really made me view your situation from another perspective that I haven't though about at first (even though I usually do).

    I guess the reason why I did not see it that way is because I somehow can relate to your wife not wanting to share her fantasies with you. I don,t feel confortable enough to share them with my bf because I feel that he can judge me without letting me know and I feel that if it's not one on his fantasies too, he will be willing to try it but will not be really enthousiastic about it and it just won't work because it's kind of a turn off. I would only do if I felt that it was something he would like too. The tricky thing is that if I feel that it's more of his fantasies thn mine, it can have the opposite effect and I feel like I put myself up for him to use me to satisfy it. That's where Alicia comes. If you're not completely sure that tying you up is her fantasie, then you shouldn't push it because she can feel used and feel like you always have you fantasies fulfiled and not hers. It's only hypothethic based on my own experience though.

    I guess you'll have to seek a little to know why she doesn't seem conortable with all this. Gdt to know why and maybe you'll understand her better and that'll sort itself out

    1468906585
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6112
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    The fact she finds those two particular films arousing show's she's probably aroused by being submissive. Also her statement that she likes what you like shows she is a people pleaser. The problem with those things, as someone who is the same, is sex can start to feel like it's not for your pleasure anymore.
    It seems she rejected your offer for sex and decided to take some control by doing what she wanted instead, but you resisted to something she was doing and that annoyed her as you were taking her control away again.
    I would take a step back and let her take the lead with things. You have come very far in just a few months and it's possible she is overwhelmed and confused.

    1468912818
    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3483
    • Joined: 22 Jul 2015

    Correct me if I'm wrong but I think a lot off couples struggle to express their fantasies to one another. I know we've encountered this. Even though we've been together for almost a decade just sometimes it's hard to spit it out so to speak. How about each writing down 5 fantasies/acts then comparing and discussing them together. You never know you might have matching.

    1468914344
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1306
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    As CLTSTU say, many ppl n relationships find it hard to open up about fantasies, and you should never force the issue.

    My OH was he same "don't have any, just like normal sex", for years.

    Another thing to consider is that some fantasies are best kept aa just that. Maybe she doesn't want to divulge because she has no intention of living them out, to stop you getting hurt, or her! Extreme example I guess but what if she turned around and said she has consensual non-consent fantasies and wants to be gangbanged by a dozen men, of which you aren't one? What if she wants to sleep with other men or women, not as a threesome, but with you not present. There'll be a reason she's not fully opening up and I don't think you should push it.

    Again, as CLTSTU suggests, make lists and find common ground .

    Good luck! 😃

    1468917747
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6361
    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    Hi there, it sounds to be as though your OH has lots of ideas that turn her on floating around in her mind. When you first start out on a journey of discovery like this, it can bring up all sorts of feelings, and sometimes unresolved issues etc. We still live in a society where it can be frowned upon to take control of your own sexuality and be free to explore and have fun. It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin, but I now know exactly what I want.

    I am in a loving D/s relationship (I’m submissive). For me, having this type of relationship has helped me so much, as I am the one giving my control, not having it taken away from me, and that makes me feel so empowered and strong.

    It sounds as though you know what you like and what turns you on, but for your OH she may be feeling nervous, embarrassed, repressed, and just not sure how to express to you what she wants. The fact that she got really turned on watching those 2 movies, tells me that she would like to explore this more, but is just not sure how to. There are so many elements to BDSM, but the most important one is communication. You have to have an honest conversation together about what you both want. Writing to each other can make it a lot easier, but you have to respect what each other want, and as long it is not a hard limit then try things out together.

    Also after you have ‘played’, especially when trying something new – it is a great idea to talk or write to each other about how you both felt about it, what you most liked, least liked and would like to try again, or change in the future.

    A game may also help you to discover what you like. Tie & Tease is a very good one, and is highly recommended and highly reviewed too. It will give you both the chance to relax and explore with all the rules laid out for you:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=29558

    There are also some great beginners bondage kits sold here, which are a great way to experiment, some of which have satin restraints which are a lot softer and less intimidating than cuffs to start with:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/bondage-for-beginners/bondage-starter-kits/

    FYI – you asked about a leash. The leash is a typical symbol of power exchange. The wearer is giving themselves to their partner. This could be a physical or mental exchange – or both. You can attach the leash to a collar, or wrist / ankle cuffs. You can guide you partner by pulling or (gently at first) tugging on the leash etc.

    Also, take care with the pinwheel, and build up very slowly – I have written a review on one here:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=34277&reviewid=129933#customer_reviews

    When you do play, always have safe words in place, which will also make your OH feel more safe and in control. You could use the classic traffic light system. GREEN means everything is ok, and you are happy to continue play. AMBER means ‘slow down’ or ‘I’m close to my limit’ and RED means ‘all play stops immediately’.

    Safe words don’t mean that you don’t trust your partner. They are there to protect you both on a physical and emotional level. The most important thing is that the sub feels safe. Honest communication between the Dom and sub will help you to understand boundaries, fears & desires. Know each other’s limits and always respect them. If you switch roles then the same rules apply.

    Here are a couple of links which may be useful for you:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/buyers-guide/bdsm-for-vanilla-lovers-bondage/

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/buyers-guide/keep-safe-bondage-techniques/

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/buyers-guide/bedroom-bondage-explained/

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/buyers-guide/beginners-guide-to-bondage/

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/buyers-guide/bondage-bdsm-introduction/

    Apologies for the long reply, but I hope this helps you both :) xx

    1468921057
    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3661
    • Joined: 2 Apr 2014

    I have nothing to add to what has already been said, so I'm just going to leave a supportive muffin basket

    *Puts basket down, backs away slowly, fades in to shadows*

    1468928537
    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 443
    • Joined: 20 Jun 2014

    Hello there!

    Quite a long message indeed so will answer bit by bit.

    Just going to do a brief introduction. I’m a youngin with a long term OH and we’re quite kinky. Still have vanilla sex but also plenty BDSM both in the bedroom and in our local fetish club. I think I’m pretty clued up on BDSM but not as much as some people and there’s always more to learn.

    I’m glad you and your wife are exploring sex! Good communication and an open mind leads to great sex. A little bit on hard and soft limits:

    A hard limit is something that a person will not do for whatever reason. They don’t need to justify it to anyone but for example purposes I have a hard limit involving age play because it’s a turn off, same with scat (and hygiene for that too) and impact play on my right leg as it took some hammering in a car accident. So there’s a host of reasons there for why something might be a no no for people.

    Soft limits are things people might do but that come with terms and conditions. For example holding positions like doggy style is soft for me being I need the right support and to move around (see car accident) and anal is a soft limit because I need to have prepared for it. A friend of mine who plays with other has penetrative sex as a hard limit as she only does that with her OH.

    You could try and help your wife explore her kinks and preferences with quizzes such as http://mojoupgrade.com/ and https://bdsmtest.org/ which are good for general sexy things and BDSM preferences respectively. Many people don’t know what’s out there and can struggle to open up. I don’t often know if I like something until I’ve gone and done it so I can see why your wife may seem like a closed book.

    If there’s something that she thinks might ‘scare’ you then be reassuring of her and remind her that you’re there to support and respect her in this. She might be holding back because she doesn’t want to damage your relationship with something shocking. Also can you clarify what you mean by ‘take BDSM further’? Like up the intensity of what you’re doing or explore more of the types of play or both?

    Your paragraph on the typing up sounds like you could benefit from exploring roles a bit! You may well be a Switch. This is a person who can be dominant or submissive depending on partner, situation, kink, etc. Or perhaps restriction just isn’t her thing which is understandable. That’s only one small aspect of BDSM so there’s plenty more to explore. Corsets can be quite restricting also so I’m wondering if the latter may be true (although the over door threw me here). What sort of lingerie or outfits does she usually like? Why not check out the Fetishwear section: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/fetish-clothing/

    Pin wheels are lovely for sensation play so she’s got some good taste! You can use them softly or with more force. She sounds like she’s looking to explore the breadth of BDSM rather than going deep into one area. Leashes are good for pet play but also Dom/sub dynamics or a bit of breath play and floggers can be used for sensation play as well as impact play. If she was buying these things to make you happy why would she have changed the items in the basket? She must have some interest in the items to choose those instead of just going with what you like.

    So a little more on the leash. Discuss with your wife who it’s for and what it’s for. If she’s unsure and wanted to test the waters then here’s some more info. This can people get into the right head space for pet play for example. Google is your friend on pet play as it’s not something I’m familiar with or have a kink for. Being collared is a huge part of BDSM and some see it as a sign of ownership however the addition of a lead to a collar is usually for play so for the breath play example you could do her doggy and pull on the lead for breath play (safe words and actions at the ready! please message if you want me to explain these!). I’ve also worn one for D/s dynamics at the club where I am lead around with it to show I belong to my OH. It could just be worn as an accessory though so lots of discussion to be had. Same goes for the over the door restraint decision. I can’t tell you why she prefers that. Potentially (and personally) she wants to use it for impact play so bed restraints don’t give you a good positon for that usually whereas over the door ones allow for easier hitting of the butt, back and thighs.

    The final bit you’ve mentioned sounds perhaps like she was trying to initiate a sex position that perhaps didn’t go right. Me and my OH and both chunky so we’ve both had “I saw this and wanted to try it!” moments that have just gone terribly wrong. So many weird blow job, shower sex, positions etc that don’t account for gravity, thighs and the like. She might have been a bit embarrassed.

    Hope everything goes well and I’d love to hear an update! Even if it’s just your BDSM test results or for clarification on anything I’ve wrote. I write as if everyone knows as much as I do about BDSM. :/

    Hello there J

    Quite a long message indeed so will answer bit by bit.

    Just going to do a brief introduction. I’m a youngin with a long term OH and we’re quite kinky. Still have vanilla sex but also plenty BDSM both in the bedroom and in our local fetish club. I think I’m pretty clued up on BDSM but not as much as some people and there’s always more to learn.

    I’m glad you and your wife are exploring sex! Good communication and an open mind leads to great sex. A little bit on hard and soft limits:

    A hard limit is something that a person will not do for whatever reason. They don’t need to justify it to anyone but for example purposes I have a hard limit involving age play because it’s a turn off, same with scat (and hygiene for that too) and impact play on my right leg as it took some hammering in a car accident. So there’s a host of reasons there for why something might be a no no for people.

    Soft limits are things people might do but that come with terms and conditions. For example holding positions like doggy style is soft for me being I need the right support and to move around (see car accident) and anal is a soft limit because I need to have prepared for it. A friend of mine who plays with other has penetrative sex as a hard limit as she only does that with her OH.

    You could try and help your wife explore her kinks and preferences with quizzes such as http://mojoupgrade.com/ and https://bdsmtest.org/ which are good for general sexy things and BDSM preferences respectively. Many people don’t know what’s out there and can struggle to open up. I don’t often know if I like something until I’ve gone and done it so I can see why your wife may seem like a closed book.

    If there’s something that she thinks might ‘scare’ you then be reassuring of her and remind her that you’re there to support and respect her in this. She might be holding back because she doesn’t want to damage your relationship with something shocking. Also can you clarify what you mean by ‘take BDSM further’? Like up the intensity of what you’re doing or explore more of the types of play or both?

    Your paragraph on the typing up sounds like you could benefit from exploring roles a bit! You may well be a Switch. This is a person who can be dominant or submissive depending on partner, situation, kink, etc. Or perhaps restriction just isn’t her thing which is understandable. That’s only one small aspect of BDSM so there’s plenty more to explore. Corsets can be quite restricting also so I’m wondering if the latter may be true (although the over door threw me here). What sort of lingerie or outfits does she usually like? Why not check out the Fetishwear section: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/bondage/fetish-clothing/

    Pin wheels are lovely for sensation play so she’s got some good taste! You can use them softly or with more force. She sounds like she’s looking to explore the breadth of BDSM rather than going deep into one area. Leashes are good for pet play but also Dom/sub dynamics or a bit of breath play and floggers can be used for sensation play as well as impact play. If she was buying these things to make you happy why would she have changed the items in the basket? She must have some interest in the items to choose those instead of just going with what you like.

    So a little more on the leash. Discuss with your wife who it’s for and what it’s for. If she’s unsure and wanted to test the waters then here’s some more info. This can people get into the right head space for pet play for example. Google is your friend on pet play as it’s not something I’m familiar with or have a kink for. Being collared is a huge part of BDSM and some see it as a sign of ownership however the addition of a lead to a collar is usually for play so for the breath play example you could do her doggy and pull on the lead for breath play (safe words and actions at the ready! please message if you want me to explain these!). I’ve also worn one for D/s dynamics at the club where I am lead around with it to show I belong to my OH. It could just be worn as an accessory though so lots of discussion to be had. Same goes for the over the door restraint decision. I can’t tell you why she prefers that. Potentially (and personally) she wants to use it for impact play so bed restraints don’t give you a good positon for that usually whereas over the door ones allow for easier hitting of the butt, back and thighs.

    The final bit you’ve mentioned sounds perhaps like she was trying to initiate a sex position that perhaps didn’t go right. Me and my OH and both chunky so we’ve both had “I saw this and wanted to try it!” moments that have just gone terribly wrong. So many weird blow job, shower sex, positions etc that don’t account for gravity, thighs and the like. She might have been a bit embarrassed.

    Hope everything goes well and I’d love to hear an update! Even if it’s just your BDSM test results or for clarification on anything I’ve wrote. I write as if everyone knows as much as I do about BDSM. :/

    1468937508
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5938
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Not a great lot to add .

    You could try asking if she fancies doing a mini role play. Its a way you could use the Door Jam restraints that she asked for by acting out one of the red room scenes in the FSOG movie.If you have a riding crop ( anything like a ruler woulsd do) then gently tap her whilst she is trussed up to the door like in the film .I would ask her whilst watching the actual scene in the movie by saying something like "Would youl ike me to do that to you?"

    Then after make love against the door to finish off .There isn't a lot of dialogue IIRC so you can put your own twist to the scene.

    Just an idea

    1468975166
    Wavey_Davey [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 92
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2016

    Well this thread is really interesting. From what i can see you have a wife who is very in love with you and has some sort of desire that she feels is dangerous for one reason or another. But from your details of how she reacts and the insight from the other posters this is not something you can persuade her to confess.

    You are just going to have to be patient and go along with whatever she does and says, if she asks you to do something you not sure about you have to say you are not sure because, be supportive and acknowledge you want to do as she says and of course voice your worries but in a way that she stays in control.

    When you new toys arrive, dont tell her what to do with those she picked or make suggestions of how she should use them. Instead talk about the things you picked but in terms of 'this could be used for' rather than ' i am going to use this on you like this' so it doesnt become about you controlling the situation (it leaves it open that she can use those things on you). For the thiings she picked just say somehting along the lines of 'I am looking forward to seeing how these can be used' then leave it at that, resist that urge to nag her about them. The more you bring it up the further away you will push it.

    And when that leash does eventually come out, stifle any urge to laugh, play along and let her control the situation.

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