• Mental block

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    Naughtymermaid [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi guys and girls :-) I know there have been similar threads on the question im about to ask but none of them have answered the problem I'm having. I will try to keep it as short as possible but for you to fully understand I have to give a bit of the back story.

    Since losing my virginity (not by choice) a lot earlier than I should have I was always of the thinking that sex was not to give a woman pleasure but purely for the man. I have been with my oh for nearly 15 years but prior relationships involved me only doing things for the other person's pleasure, don't get me wrong, I did enjoy sex and had a high sex drive but the only way I could cum was by pleasuring myself in private. Until a few months ago I was on hormonal contraception which killed my sex dry and I ended up with vaginismus and severe pain during sex so barely done it for years and years (which destroyed me as I could see how much it was hurting my oh but didn't know what to do so I tried everything and eventually realised the hormonal contraception might be a factor). Thankfully after coming off it my sex drive returned and my oh told me about lovehoney as I was looking for vaginal dilators to help with the vaginismus just as I stopped the contraception but it turned out I didn't need them and starting buying loads if toys instead. So having my drive back is amazing, I feel normal again and I am very open minded now, up for anything, at any time with my oh (to try and compensate for the years of neglecting him). The problem I'm having now is no matter what I do I find it incredibly difficult to orgasm during sex, I've tried thinking about it, not thinking about it, he's tried to make it happen,but when he does I shut down, so I've told him to focus on himself and not me, its like I know I could but there is a mental block which the second I think I'm getting somewhere my brain shouts NO! and reminds me of my life long mental conditioning that sex is for men to enjoy not women. It's really starting to upset me now. I ordered a wevibe tango yesterday to use during the act but I feel really guilty and after telling my oh I felt awful as he will think that's he's not good enough for me and that he must be rubbish if I'm having to use a toy. I don't even think I'll be able to use it with him as ill be too embarrassed. He told me that most women orgasm easily during sex, I've read that most women find it difficult and told him this but he doesn't believe me. I feel like a failure, I feel embarrassed that I am even thinking about my own pleasure. I'm getting frustrated, I know if I could get over this mental block everything would be great. I've read so much literature on this, so many blogs with advice ect but nothing is helping. Really don't know what to do now. Any advice would be greatly welcomed, I know there is no better place than here to ask. Sorry for the long story. Thanks :-)

    1464449061
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1421440-overcoming-performance-issues/

    I think this may help, but read it all; a lot of reading but It's about the same thing, But it takes Mamz a while to open up, so you do need to read the whole thread.

    If you come back when you have read it, then we can talk, I wrote much of what is on there, so it will sound very familiar to you as you get in to it.

    1464453089
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I want to help you. Read the other thread abs you'll realise I in the exact same situation. The only difference is that my oh feels ok with using vibrators during sex, So the feeling of embarassment is not there.

    I'm starting to think about writting a blog about my experience and I see now that I am definitely nit alone. I think this would be a great way to help my healing and if you want to write on it (a4e too) let me know.

    The key points of the other thread are:
    -bdsm (if he takes control, I must appreciate every moment of what I find pleasurable because since he is in control he can stop whenever he wants. It also helps him not focussing on me too much and being confident enough to stop thibking about how i'll react etc)
    -love. Only recently I reslised that I need to feel intimate and close with him, and that after that sex can be a thing I want. I realised that before (and for a long time) the sex I was having wasn't consentual, but now it is loving sex, so everything else is not important since this is the situation I want to be in. I'd rather never orgasm again with my oh than getting back with being used for sex.

    This is the main points but I agree that you should read the thread. I feel concerned about your issue because I going through the same thing. I hipe this will help

    1464453467
    Naughtymermaid [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone4ever and mamz thank you both so much replying to me, I have clicked on the thread and intend to read every post very carefully but from what I have read so far I can see we have been having very similar problems and the discussion you have been both having has been very open, I applaud you both for your honesty and the messages I can see have truly come from the heart. Once I've read it all I will come back here to this thread and speak to you both again, you both seem like lovely people and reading your messages to each other (and the input from other members) has made me feel less alone.

    Mamz that is a great idea about a blog, really fantastic, actually alone4ever would you ever consider having a blog as both of your opinions and outlook on life could really help others 💜💜

    1464453761
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I know, it is really comforting to know that you are not alone.

    1464458659
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    alone4ever wrote:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1421440-overcoming-performance-issues/

    I think this may help, but read it all; a lot of reading but It's about the same thing, But it takes Mamz a while to open up, so you do need to read the whole thread.

    If you come back when you have read it, then we can talk, I wrote much of what is on there, so it will sound very familiar to you as you get in to it.

    Hugs I've never come through sex, you are not alone, trouble is many men think women come just like that, they don't. It takes time and mutual respect. I've no sex life now but when I did I had to finish myself off, second hubby never minded at all.

    1464463870
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz,

    Slinky wants to come on your thread. She has been through it too.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/off-topic/1438446-tea-and-sympathy-thread/page-15/

    And the next page too.

    I will have to think about the blog, something really bad went down, between me and my therapist; I was convinced she did not believe me, when I asked her about this she would not answer. Then I was convinced she was playing mind games with me. I think they got the idea, that I was just going to see them to try and chat them up. There was more than one of them, I asked them about this too, and got no answer there either.

    It started when I told a lie, I said that I cryed and said no, all the time my ex did what she did, the first time, because I thought they would think I was making it up, if I told them the truth; I cryed for a minute or so, and when she would not stop, I just pretend I had changed my mind, and we had sex. Only I found out that people who have been raped by a partner, often don't tend to try to stop it, and go along with it. Even those where it's done by a stranger.

    I just blurted it out the first time I saw them, I just wanted it out of my head, but my head fills back up again with it, and I feel i need to talk about it again.Then they tell me that no one just blurts it out, people take weeks to build up enough trust, to talk about it. Something else that adds to my theory. but I have no evidence.

    So I told a different one, about this, lie, and it all went down hill from there. I know they would say I was delusional, or paranoid. But why would they not say yes we do believe you, if I was wrong. It put me in hospital, and it's been tearing me to pieces ever since. I'm not Imagining it. I'm scared I'm going to go over the edge again, it was so frightening.

    Then when I was in hospital the advocate came to see me to ask if I wanted a solicitor to fight my section, he said I had asked for him, but I didn't even know anything about fighting my section. Someone must have sent him!!!! someone feeling guilty.

    Don't care if they see this, or maybe it scares me if they do; I can't seem to decide, but I need to tell someone. But this is just a very tiny snippet of what happened.

    Naughty Mermaid, I see you broke up you post this time, it makes it easier to read, but I used to do it in one block too, emotions get in the way, and it just pours out in a stream.

    I don't know that my out look on lofe has been that great, I have tended to think that it will never change, until I saw Mamz doing it I didn't understand. You gave me an epiphany Mamz, I saw myself from the out side, and suddenly I knew the answers. to that bit at least.

    I post my opinions on here for all to see and get help from it if I am telling it right for their situation. I have spent my life watching others make mistakes in their relationships, and learning from this, but I could never get myself to go out there and put what I had learned into a relationship of my own.

    I see guys who treat their partners so badly, because they have the wrong Idea about being a man, but I could never attact a woman, and hated this. I could not understand what was wrong with me, until I found the missing piece. Where guys get overly dominant and turn,into users I could see this as going the wong way; only I miss took letting a woman have it all her own way all the time, as being the answer.

    This is what made me unattractive to women, I threw away my confidence, and became a real full time sub, without realising it. Ok in the bedroom now and again, but not ok to live with. Women want confidence, then I turned to my gay side and began to ask myself what would I want from man if I was a woman.

    So I spend my time here, telling women what I think is going on in a mans head, because I'm a man. Perhaps I'm selling out my gender; but; and I won't swear here: they *********** deserve it, at least the ones who are still dragging women into their caves after clubing them on the head like cave men.

    But I don't know about blogging this, out side of here. I'm still a bit of a scaredy cat.

    Though I think this is heading towards blog size so I will shut up. For now anyway.

    And there are plenty of guys on here who could do the same anyway.

    1464469227
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone forever, first thanks for letting me know about slinky binky. She told me in another thread that she wanted to join and I toled her too, but I guess we haven't been very welcoming when she did. Shame on us.

    I am not sure I understand your story well, especially the part with the hospital and advocate. You can tell me more about it if you want.

    If you where writting on a blog, the info that you put there would be your own, whereas everything you put oon lovehoney becomes theirs so I don't see why someone wouldn't want to do so. Also I'm pretty sure that blog would have less traffic than the lovehoney forum so :P

    Anyways. We'll see the outcome later.

    I'm now waiting fot Naughty mermaid to be ready after reading all the other thread (that'll take a while I think :P)

    1464470364
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Left you an appology, for my bad use of the English Language on Tea and simpathy, just after your post.

    I gave you the wrong end of the stick, sorry again.

    1464535777
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Chek out my answer

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