• BDSM, What's gone wrong?

    1464309800
    Lady1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    I'm not sure whether this is the kind of thing usually posted on here but I didn't know anywhere else.

    So my boyfreind and I have been together for over a year and we were into BDSM. The D/s stuff was kept to the bedroom and wasn't involved in any other part of our relationship. I was the sub with my boyfriend being the dom. I am a person who is very much in control most of the time and D/s was a bit of escapism for me.

    I went through a phase where I wanted to try some new things. He had mentioned anal but I was not into this, he kept talking about it and I felt a bit pressured to try it. I also thought it might be the way to try something new. It wasn't and it just wasn't for me. This isn't the issue.

    When I asked whether we could try switching D/s roles he refused outright and said he wasn't comfortable. This is obviously fair enough and I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't comfortable with.

    However, after this everything felt one sided, as if I the one trying things he wanted to do, but it wasn't reciprocated. I also felt very used during any D/s sex.

    I still haven't got back into it and sex doesn't really excite me anymore. I miss D/s but I feel horrible whenever we try anything like that and the expereince is just not the same. However, I still feel like this is my kink.

    I don't know what to do or how to feel. Any advice?

    Again sorry if this isn't the kind of thing that gets posted on here usually, I will delete it if its not apropreiate for the Forum.

    1464310133
    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    BDSM takes a lot of communication. I would talk it all out with him, let him know how you feel. I am of the belief that communication is fundamental for a good sex life too and that if you're lacking communication with your partner and not getting what you want from them sexually that the best thing you can do is talk to them and see how it goes

    Tell him that you're happy to do the things he wants to do even if you're not sure of it, but make sure to let him know that this does mean he has to give back to you if you do it, as BDSM isn't just take, take, take. It's supposed to be about being equal in the sense that you both give the other what they want - you give him a submissive and he gives you a Dom. If you want to switch that up, it's quite common for BDSM couples to do so, they just tend to call themselves switches. Ask him what it is that he is uncomfortable about. It doesn't have to be a pushy conversation, just try and let him know that you want to do the best you can for him and trying new things is a good way to understand where both of your boundaries lies.

    Good luck though, BDSM can get tough sometimes, especially without the proper boundaries and rules in place. If you lack communication and trust you have to build on it, in my opinion. I assume sex isn't exciting you because you now feel that he's doing it for himself rather than for you, which does put a rut in the sex life of anyone, so make sure you let him know how you're feeling. It isn't fair for you to stop enjoying things you like when he's having all the fun. Sex is a two way street.

    1464310405
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    No one should feel pressured into something they don't want to do. How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Are you happy together? You may need a good old fashioned talk, everything into the open but make sure it's not in the bedroom. If you struggle talking, like I do, you could always write it down. Me and my husband do that she we need to discuss issues we are anxious to bring up. We sit next to each other as we read the letters.

    1464310649
    MissNoir [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Lady1, sorry to hear how things are going for you *hugs*

    What you've described my previous relationship & this is what made me end things, D/S was an escape for me too. Whenever I suggested trying something new it would result in an argument until I backed down and did what he wanted, if he wanted to try anything new and I wasn't comfortable, the same would happen, a fight until I gave in. At one point I asked to reverse D/S roles and I got the usual response 'i'm not cmfortable' which I respected and left it there but since then I couldn't have sex with him.

    I went 6 months without having sex with him and he would get angry, making me go to doctors/counsellors, when we would have sex I'd have to stop after a few minutes and to go cry as it wasn't fulfilling the D/S kink and made me feel like a piece of meat (which when we ended things he admitted was only with me for sex).

    My advice would be to communicate, not harshly or confrontationally, but talk about your individual sexual wishes and see what would be ok and what wouldn't. Explain how you're feeling and see what your OH response is, he may feel the same or tell you how he feels, you'll never know unless you ask. If he isn't willing to comprimise or allow you to be an individual and wants everything to be his way then I'd consider where you stand in the relationship because from experience it doesn't get better, it may get worse, it may stay how it is just now but your happiness is important, I hope this helps. Good Luck x

    1464310919
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worri, This is exactly the kind of things that are accepted and welcomed here. I am sure some members will have experiences something similar and will be able to offer their help.

    I have not experienced something similar but I am used to feel used. I have recently starting to explore bongade with my OH in order to learn to trust and to accept that "being used" is not always a bad thing. The reasons of our shared feeling are probably different though.

    What I understand from your post is that you stopped enjoying BDSM after trying anal because your boyfriend wanted to and not enjoying it, ant then him not wanting to make any effort to satisfy your demands. I think feeling used in that situation is totally normal and that he should be making an effort too (without engaging in things that he really doesn't feel comfortable about of course).

    Do you also feel used in non D/s sex? I understand that the reason that sex doesn't excite you anymore may be because of the boredome starting to install itself (because of the lack of new things) and the fact that you don't feel as confortable with him during sex as you used to be. Am I right? THis situation won't change untill you find what causes the situation.

    You should definetly sit with him and have a talk. You must tell him how you feel about that so you can sort things out together. Have him to tell you why he doesn't want to try swithcing roles. Let him understand how you feel with all this.

    Also, there is sex surveys that you can take on the internet that can help you find new things to do that are appealing to both partners. You each rank sexual acts with whether you wanna try, you'd be willing if your partner wants to try, or you don"t wanna try. It only shows you at the end the matches with the yes-yes, yes-maybe and maybe-maybe so you can both concentrate on them without any tention, ignoring the no's.

    Hope that helps a little

    Also, I don't know how things are outside the bedroom but this could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship)

    1464311283
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    MissNoir wrote:

    Hi Lady1, sorry to hear how things are going for you *hugs*

    What you've described my previous relationship & this is what made me end things, D/S was an escape for me too. Whenever I suggested trying something new it would result in an argument until I backed down and did what he wanted, if he wanted to try anything new and I wasn't comfortable, the same would happen, a fight until I gave in. At one point I asked to reverse D/S roles and I got the usual response 'i'm not cmfortable' which I respected and left it there but since then I couldn't have sex with him.

    I went 6 months without having sex with him and he would get angry, making me go to doctors/counsellors, when we would have sex I'd have to stop after a few minutes and to go cry as it wasn't fulfilling the D/S kink and made me feel like a piece of meat (which when we ended things he admitted was only with me for sex).

    That sound aweful! :( I'm sorry you had to go through this missnoir

    Please Lady1, be careful

    1464313837
    MissNoir [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    MissNoir wrote:

    Hi Lady1, sorry to hear how things are going for you *hugs*

    What you've described my previous relationship & this is what made me end things, D/S was an escape for me too. Whenever I suggested trying something new it would result in an argument until I backed down and did what he wanted, if he wanted to try anything new and I wasn't comfortable, the same would happen, a fight until I gave in. At one point I asked to reverse D/S roles and I got the usual response 'i'm not cmfortable' which I respected and left it there but since then I couldn't have sex with him.

    I went 6 months without having sex with him and he would get angry, making me go to doctors/counsellors, when we would have sex I'd have to stop after a few minutes and to go cry as it wasn't fulfilling the D/S kink and made me feel like a piece of meat (which when we ended things he admitted was only with me for sex).

    That sound aweful! :( I'm sorry you had to go through this missnoir

    Please Lady1, be careful

    It was the right thing to do to end things, I'm much happier & got my own sense of worth & individuality back & the guy I'm seeing now is much more about what works best for both of us & being closer during sex. If my experience can help Lady1 in any way, I'm happy, Lady1 is who matters ^_^ x

    1464368071
    Mcbean [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:


    Also, there is sex surveys that you can take on the internet that can help you find new things to do that are appealing to both partners. You each rank sexual acts with whether you wanna try, you'd be willing if your partner wants to try, or you don"t wanna try. It only shows you at the end the matches with the yes-yes, yes-maybe and maybe-maybe so you can both concentrate on them without any tention, ignoring the no's.

    Can i ask (sorry to partially divert the thread), is there any of these surveys anyone can recommend? x

    1464368197
    Gem276 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 11 Dec 2014

    Mcbean wrote:

    mamz wrote:


    Also, there is sex surveys that you can take on the internet that can help you find new things to do that are appealing to both partners. You each rank sexual acts with whether you wanna try, you'd be willing if your partner wants to try, or you don"t wanna try. It only shows you at the end the matches with the yes-yes, yes-maybe and maybe-maybe so you can both concentrate on them without any tention, ignoring the no's.

    Can i ask (sorry to partially divert the thread), is there any of these surveys anyone can recommend? x

    http://mojoupgrade.com

    1464377898
    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady1 wrote:

    Hi,

    I'm not sure whether this is the kind of thing usually posted on here but I didn't know anywhere else.

    So my boyfreind and I have been together for over a year and we were into BDSM. The D/s stuff was kept to the bedroom and wasn't involved in any other part of our relationship. I was the sub with my boyfriend being the dom. I am a person who is very much in control most of the time and D/s was a bit of escapism for me.

    I went through a phase where I wanted to try some new things. He had mentioned anal but I was not into this, he kept talking about it and I felt a bit pressured to try it. I also thought it might be the way to try something new. It wasn't and it just wasn't for me. This isn't the issue.

    When I asked whether we could try switching D/s roles he refused outright and said he wasn't comfortable. This is obviously fair enough and I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't comfortable with.

    However, after this everything felt one sided, as if I the one trying things he wanted to do, but it wasn't reciprocated. I also felt very used during any D/s sex.

    I still haven't got back into it and sex doesn't really excite me anymore. I miss D/s but I feel horrible whenever we try anything like that and the expereince is just not the same. However, I still feel like this is my kink.

    I don't know what to do or how to feel. Any advice?

    Again sorry if this isn't the kind of thing that gets posted on here usually, I will delete it if its not apropreiate for the Forum.

    Hello Lady,

    First off I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bit of a rough patch. You've got plenty of friends here on the Forums though so don't worry about posting.

    You should never be pressured to do anything sexual so shame on your OH for trying to do that with anal sex. That's not on. Everyone has their own limits and those should be well respected and only change if you want them to, not because you feel like they should have to. We have similar dynamics where my OH is a Dom and I am sub but I tend to be more outgoing than him . Whilst I also want to explore more of a Top role I know my partner isn't comfortble with this being with him and so I don't persue it. The only time I would use a toy on him is so that he understand the sensation it causes to various places. E.g caning him on the side compared to the middle of his thigh to demonstrate how different those spots are.

    Whilst some people want to be used, objectified, humiliated or degraded in a d/s relationship this is not at all for me and I would recommend something like bdsmtest.org/index.php to see where you fit along those subscales. It sounds like you and your OH have different ideas about what each others roles are. I'm exploring roles but identify with parts of princess, where I need lots of praise and care, and masochist/sensualist as my play tends to be pain and sensation focused rather than mental domination for example.

    If you did want to get back into things make sure you're both clear on what you and your partner want, whats on or off the cards and what sort of after care is needed. I would also recommend a bdsm checklist for this :) If you wanted to know more about BDSM there is a brilliant community at Fetlife as well as on the LH forums.

    1464384216
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel from what you say, that he struggles with his internal sense of his own masculinity, You asked him to switch roles, and that scares him because he fears it would make him struggle even more by surendering what little he feels he already has.

    Now he is trying to claw back his masculinity, by becoming truly dominant in your D\s sex, he his not playing out his D/s role, but asserting his masculine dominance, for real. You are sensing this in how he is during D/s sex, and feel used because inside you know you are.

    Some men do not know what being masculine is really about, and get miss led by other men who don't know, and end up believing it has it's roots in the woman doing as the man wants. And not being strong, confident, taking the initiative, and leading, also supportive and empowering, and able to communicate thoughts and feelings, and engender trust.

    This has seeped into normal sex, and he wants to get his perceved rights has a man, there too. And that doing anything you want is serendering some of those percived rights. It's lost it's excitment for you because it's now primarilly a one way thing, which you know is wrong. How can feel excited about that.

    On top of that he has taken over in your kink, and playing it his way again. but you still want still your kink, but in the the way you wanted it, after all it was supposed to be for you, not a vehicle for him to use you, with what sort of became your consent. Only what you are recieving is not you consented to.

    You need to try and explain this to him, in a way that doesn't undermine his masculinity but puts it back on the right track. Tell him what your Idea of a true man is. tell him how he is making you feel.

    Hugs.

    This is based on how I know some men think, but don't know the full ins and outs of your relationship is and works.

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