• Am I Being Oversensitive/A Prude Being Incensed By This?

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry for turning this into the Friday13 show!

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    My husband gets coldsores on his mouth every now and again , sorry for my ignorance but I never even knew it was herpes . Iv never had one , I don't kiss him when he's got one but have kissed him then next day he has coldsores etc . I always thought that some people get them and some don't I didn't know he could pass anything on to me . Am I likely to be infected ?

    my friend caught herpes of an ex partner , she thought she had mumps / glandular fever and was really poorly , she didn't get any sores but appantly that was her first outbreak ? She said that not everyone gets the sores , her friend who was also sleeping with the ex suffered quite badly and gets genital sores etc . It's not something she talks about now And I wouldn't like to ask if hers ever developed to more etc but she did backtrack slightly and say she didn't have it after all but I thought that was prob because after the initial shock she researched more and decided maybe it was a private thing that she hadn't told her friends about . Havt read the blog yet , But from conversations with my friend I do recall her saying it was only contagious if you were having an outbreak but I suppose it's a bit like a cold and comes from nowhere and could have sex then two hours later your symptoms start etc .

    Think it would be a hard thing to deal with , I wouldn't want everyone knowing but wouldn't want to pass it on either . I'd prob try and only have sex within relationships and refrain from casual sex and

    hope the people I had relationships with respected my privacy if relationship ended .Like I say havr read the blog yet but will do so and have better opinion and knowledge then x

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    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
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    That blog post throws up more than one interesting point, so I'm probably about to send this debate in several different directions! My views on herpes first since that's what's been getting discussed so far...

    I happen to agree with Friday13; if it's a casual encounter then it's your own responsibility to ensure you use protection. If you were going to continue seeing that person and have unprotected sex then you should be open. What seems gets in the way of this though is excitement. Excitement is like a drug, it certainly stops you thinking clearly and rationally. How many times do we sidestep the STI worries during casual encounters to only focus on unwanted pregnancy?

    "Errrr I haven't got a condom"
    "It's ok I'm on the pill/implant etc..."
    "Oh, cool"

    And yet in the cold light of day none of us are naïve enough to think protection is only about pregnancy! But it all goes out the window when the thrill of sex is on the cards.

    Here is where I point out that I've been that naïve person. Prior to meeting my wife I'd only ever had sex protected. We spent many happy years together and then split. During that split we both had sex with other people. One of the women I slept with was very promiscuous (frankly, some of the stories she told me were downright shocking), but for some reason it never occurred to me that I was putting myself at risk of an STI. I was certainly grief stricken over my marriage but not that blinded, surely? Fast forward about five months (and other male & female partners in the meantime) and it suddenly occurred to me that I'd been reckless and stupid. I made an appointment at the GUM clinic and asked for the whole shebang. I hadn't displayed any symptoms (of anything) but it dawned on me that I'd never been to a sexual health clinic, ever. Surely getting a clean bill of health is a good thing, yet so many people assume that you only visit one if you think you might have something.

    Im not sure what I was tested for, but various swabs and bloods were taken. Luckily I was clear of everything, I was in a daze when I got the news via phone. HIV, Hep B, Chlamydia and gonorrhea were mentioned, I'm not sure what else they tested for. Do they even test for herpes, I guess they must?

    But back to the blog, what did nark me somewhat was the blasé approach to unprotected sex, in that "I offered to get the morning after pill". They didn't use a condom but because he withdrew and came on her stomach instead, she no longer needs the pill?. That's pretty reckless right there! I ended a relationship with a girl because she was deliberately reckless in this regard. She didn't like condoms and went for the morning after pill three times during our few months together. One of which had involved her ripping the condom off me during sex and continuing (she was on top and I was tied!). That was the final straw for me. So yeah, THAT'S the part of the blog post that wound me up :/

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    Jezebella [sign in to see picture]
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    Sexsquid, good for realising you needed to go to the GUM clinic and getting yourself tested. I know so many people who have never been! I tend to visit after every break up, or when I'm starting to get serious with a new partner and want to make sure I'm clean before we get more intimate than standard penetrative condom safe sex. I have also requested my partners go get checked out too. I completely agree with you about reckless attitudes towards sex.

    One thing that has been brought up is sex education. In my school it was alright, but one thing they tell us, which relates to this herpes debate, is to always use condoms or dental dams when going down on someone. I have never done this, and I don't know anyone who has, yet when penetrative sex is concerned everyone everyone tends to agree it's a good idea to wear a condom with a new partner. So in this sense I get Friday 13th point, people put themselves at risk often, even when they know the risks. Although lack of education makes things worse, as some people don't even realise they can contract STIs from oral.

    Also, if you were informed by a potential partner that they had herpes, could it kill the relationship before it even starts?

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    LittleMissLonely wrote:

    My husband gets coldsores on his mouth every now and again , sorry for my ignorance but I never even knew it was herpes . Iv never had one , I don't kiss him when he's got one but have kissed him then next day he has coldsores etc . I always thought that some people get them and some don't I didn't know he could pass anything on to me . Am I likely to be infected ?

    You could either:

    a) Not be infected

    b) Have caught it from him and be an asymptomatic carrier

    c) Have had cold sores as a child and now be an asymptomatic carrier

    my friend caught herpes of an ex partner , she thought she had mumps / glandular fever and was really poorly , she didn't get any sores but appantly that was her first outbreak ? She said that not everyone gets the sores , her friend who was also sleeping with the ex suffered quite badly and gets genital sores etc . It's not something she talks about now And I wouldn't like to ask if hers ever developed to more etc but she did backtrack slightly and say she didn't have it after all but I thought that was prob because after the initial shock she researched more and decided maybe it was a private thing that she hadn't told her friends about . Havt read the blog yet , But from conversations with my friend I do recall her saying it was only contagious if you were having an outbreak but I suppose it's a bit like a cold and comes from nowhere and could have sex then two hours later your symptoms start etc .

    The infographic in my first post explains about shedding time. That's when a person is infectious but they don't always have symptoms. Your friend could have herpes but if she didn't get any sores, a GUM clinic couldn't have tested her. If it was a primary outbreak (first outbreak of either HSV 1 or 2) you would expect more classic symptoms, but it is impossible to rule it out. Her symptoms aren't unique to herpes either so it makes knowing for certain even harder.

    Think it would be a hard thing to deal with , I wouldn't want everyone knowing but wouldn't want to pass it on either . I'd prob try and only have sex within relationships and refrain from casual sex and

    hope the people I had relationships with respected my privacy if relationship ended .Like I say havr read the blog yet but will do so and have better opinion and knowledge then x

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sex Squid wrote:

    Im not sure what I was tested for, but various swabs and bloods were taken. Luckily I was clear of everything, I was in a daze when I got the news via phone. HIV, Hep B, Chlamydia and gonorrhea were mentioned, I'm not sure what else they tested for. Do they even test for herpes, I guess they must?

    Nope. They don't test for herpes unless you have sores. There are a few reasons for this: money, it doesn't require treatment (unless you are badly afflicted, in which case you'll get sores which can be tested), most people have it, and the blood test can only tell you type not location. If you get tested again ask exactly what they are testing for. They don't always do the HIB, hep B and C or syphillis tests. The fact people just say 'I'm clean' without even knowing what they've been tested for drives me to despair (and that's before even getting in to my issue with the word clean...)

    Jezebella: "One thing that has been brought up is sex education. In my school it was alright, but one thing they tell us, which relates to this herpes debate, is to always use condoms or dental dams when going down on someone."

    We are starting to see the long term effects of that attitude now. Head and neck cancers caused by HPV, chlamydia in my throat being passed to a partner's penis etc.

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    That should be HIV in the reply to sex squid and chlamydia in 'the' throat, not 'my ' in response to Jezebella.

    One final thought on the recklessness that led to me catching HSV 1. He didn't go down on me. I caught it from him using spit as lube. You can do everything imaginable to protect yourself from STIs but sometimes you just get unlucky. 

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    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
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    I'll phone the clinic this coming week and check what they tested for, but I asked them to give me the full MOT so to speak. I had to go back a month after my first visit to give a second set of bloods in case anything was lying dormant, but I know they they did all the Hep tests as I'd been with a guy unprotected and they suggested a Hep B vaccination if I as going to make a habit of it. As it was, I was getting back together with my wife and wanted to make sure I wasnt going to bring any nasty surprises with me!

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    Jennylafay [sign in to see picture]
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    Friday13 wrote:

    KittenFeatures wrote:

    I don't. I know I don't because I was tested during pregnancy and have had one partner since who is clean and I am still seeing them now.

    There is no way you can know if your partner has HSV as they don't test for it at GUM clinics. The only way you could know is if you paid to have a private test. I'm also very surprised you were actually tested for HSV during pregnancy, The NHS doesn't recommend it unless there is a high suspicion but swabs of sores were negative.

    That last part is good to know!As far as I know I'm clean and I get tested about 1-2 a year. But ill ask and check to include it next time!

    If I had anything I would tell my partner, it's their choice to take the risk not mine..

    I would like to know if the other has anything so I feel I should be honost as well in return.

    Sex, for me, is something intimate and based on a lot of trust, so I would be very upset if my partner would not tell me.. I for one would definitly tell them!

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Jennylafay wrote:

    That last part is good to know!As far as I know I'm clean and I get tested about 1-2 a year. But ill ask and check to include it next time!

    If I had anything I would tell my partner, it's their choice to take the risk not mine..

    I would like to know if the other has anything so I feel I should be honost as well in return.

    Sex, for me, is something intimate and based on a lot of trust, so I would be very upset if my partner would not tell me.. I for one would definitly tell them!

    You won't get a herpes blood test at an NHS clinic and you can only get a swab test if you currently have sores so, unfortunately, there is no way for asymptomatic people to know if they have herpes without paying for a test.

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sex Squid wrote:

    I'll phone the clinic this coming week and check what they tested for, but I asked them to give me the full MOT so to speak. I had to go back a month after my first visit to give a second set of bloods in case anything was lying dormant, but I know they they did all the Hep tests as I'd been with a guy unprotected and they suggested a Hep B vaccination if I as going to make a habit of it. As it was, I was getting back together with my wife and wanted to make sure I wasnt going to bring any nasty surprises with me!

    If you disclosed any higher risk behaviours or partners (which includes MSM) you will have had the full works

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    popk1n [sign in to see picture]
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    Jennylafay wrote:

    Friday13 wrote:

    KittenFeatures wrote:

    I don't. I know I don't because I was tested during pregnancy and have had one partner since who is clean and I am still seeing them now.

    There is no way you can know if your partner has HSV as they don't test for it at GUM clinics. The only way you could know is if you paid to have a private test. I'm also very surprised you were actually tested for HSV during pregnancy, The NHS doesn't recommend it unless there is a high suspicion but swabs of sores were negative.

    That last part is good to know!As far as I know I'm clean and I get tested about 1-2 a year. But ill ask and check to include it next time!

    If I had anything I would tell my partner, it's their choice to take the risk not mine..

    I would like to know if the other has anything so I feel I should be honost as well in return.

    Sex, for me, is something intimate and based on a lot of trust, so I would be very upset if my partner would not tell me.. I for one would definitly tell them!

    Agreeing with the intimate/trust point. You are entrusting that person with your body, and they are also you with theirs, so if I was ok with having sex with ANYONE and knew I had something they would probably prefer to not have, I would tell them, because mutual trust should be there about health if theres mutual trust about sexual relations. Imo if you cant tell them, dont do things with them. Heck, even when I have a cold I inform my partner and tell them they can stay away from me XD
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    popk1n [sign in to see picture]
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    Friday13 wrote:

    That should be HIV in the reply to sex squid and chlamydia in 'the' throat, not 'my ' in response to Jezebella.

    One final thought on the recklessness that led to me catching HSV 1. He didn't go down on me. I caught it from him using spit as lube. You can do everything imaginable to protect yourself from STIs but sometimes you just get unlucky.

    Cant remember if you answered further up, but did that partner know/tell you he had it? And I know you can be unlucky. Just in that blog post she was certainly tempting fate....
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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    popk1n wrote:

    Friday13 wrote:

    That should be HIV in the reply to sex squid and chlamydia in 'the' throat, not 'my ' in response to Jezebella.

    One final thought on the recklessness that led to me catching HSV 1. He didn't go down on me. I caught it from him using spit as lube. You can do everything imaginable to protect yourself from STIs but sometimes you just get unlucky.

    Cant remember if you answered further up, but did that partner know/tell you he had it? And I know you can be unlucky. Just in that blog post she was certainly tempting fate....

    He assumed I had cold sores in childhood, like the majority of people do. To be honest, I thought I probably had too since my siblings got cold sores as kids. We used condoms for penetrative sex but were aware there were things we could pass on through oral-genital sex that either couldn't be or aren't tested for (e.g. HPV, chlamydia in the throat).

    The blogger was tempting fate, and I don't agree with her level of risk taking (no condom AND sex during an outbreak?!) but unless you've been living under a rock, everyone knows unprotected sex is risky. We cannot test for everything and there are serious things that have no symptoms and are not routinely tested for. There is no such thing as being 'clean', only being negative for the STIs tested for and often only in the location tested. If people really think about that they might understand the risks better.

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    MK7 [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    No I don't think you are being over sensitive.

    In my eyes not declaring an ST I to a partner is as bad as cheating .

    100% this. I couldn't trust somebody who hides something like this and I would break off.

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    MK7 wrote:

    mysteron wrote:

    No I don't think you are being over sensitive.

    In my eyes not declaring an ST I to a partner is as bad as cheating .

    100% this. I couldn't trust somebody who hides something like this and I would break off.

    +1 to both of these. 👍

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    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    They didn't specifically test for herpes during pregnancy. They tested for a whole range of STIs but it did include me herpes on the list alongside a few others like Chlamydia and Syphillis. I think they mainly tested for it because there can be rare complications and way down the line very rarely possible risks to the baby's health. I was tested both by swab and they did a few blood tests.

    I'm using ingnorance in the sense of it's actual definition 'lack of knowledge or information.' Ignorance isn't necessarily bad, but it can cause debates like this one where a lot of people are ignorant and most of the time won't realise it. Being purposely ignorant, however, is a problem.

    Where were the people in the statistic tested, do you know? I always assume there's more to statistics than just the statistic themselves, the tests and everything are something I'd be interested in having a nose at.

    On the topic of getting tested, if you have sores and stuff surely they would have to test that if you were worried. If you have never had any sores would you say its safe to assume you don't have it then? Or it's just been in remission forever? I've never had any symptoms of herpes, never even had a cold sore, so would you say it's likely I have it and just aren't aware of it?

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    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Personally, as Friday13 said, I think there is an awful lot of stigma around herpes, when infact, it is just a coldsore. Obvioulsy some milder cases than others. And another point I am going to +1, is that I have had thrush so bad I had to take time off work. It crippled me, and I am sure this would have been worse than a coldsore.

    I would still however expect honesty. It is truly awful to disover you have been given an STI or other illness that they were aware they had, but chose not to tell you. (First hand experience).

    Whenever we have sex, or get involved with someone, there is always a risk, isn't there? But they are our mistakes to make and we are all responsible for our actions. I have always been very, very careful with partners, with the exception of an ex. When I discovered he had been unfaithful on such a huge scale, I went to my local GUM clinic and was told I needed to be tested for HIV. It was truly terrifying. Luckily everything came back fine, but I learned my lesson for sure

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    KittenFeatures wrote:

    On the topic of getting tested, if you have sores and stuff surely they would have to test that if you were worried. If you have never had any sores would you say its safe to assume you don't have it then? Or it's just been in remission forever? I've never had any symptoms of herpes, never even had a cold sore, so would you say it's likely I have it and just aren't aware of it?

    I think we've probably got our wires crossed with the definition of ignorant. I guess I just see not looking into things as being purposely ignorant. I do it with the news all the time!

    I would be actually amazed if you were tested for herpes during pregnancy. It's not been funded since a trial in 2006 said it was pretty much pointless and expensive (I don't think it was tested for before 2006 either, but legacy research can be a bit harder to track down and I can't really be bothered, to be honest!) The risk is only really high if you contract it in the final trimester, which won't show up on antibody tests. Hence not worth funding.

    The World Health Organisation says two thirds of people have HSV 1. I tend to trust their data and research methodology http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/herpes-two-thirds-of-worlds-population-has-virus-a6712966.html

    They would tests sores, and that's the only way someone using the NHS would know, but even then there is only a short period when they can test. A negative test doesn't rule out herpes, but a positive test confirms it. If you never had any sores (or never remember having any if you had cold sores as a small child) then there is no way of knowing. You could be in the 30% that has neither type of herpes, but you could be one of the asymptomatic carriers. Asymptomatic carriers still shed so can still pass it on.

    The thing is, both partners could honestly believe they do not have herpes but actually they are not infecting each other because they are both asymptomatic carriers. Equally, both people could believe they don't have herpes, but then one of them can pass it to the other because only one is an asymptomatic carrier. Both could not have herpes. Both could be aware they have herpes. One could have asymptomatic HSV 1 and give it to the other and the other partner could have asymptomatic HSV 2 and give it to their partner! The possibilities are endless. But with only 30% not having either, if I had to bet, I'd place my money on at least one of a pair having at least one type of herpes and probably both having HSV 1 so never infecting each other.

    This is why I get so frustrated with the holier than thou disclosure thing. There is literally no way of knowing you have neither type of herpes but those who do know for sure are usually actually limiting the spread of herpes by taking precautions that really everyone should be taking.

    Going back to other things we don't/can't test for....say all your tests come back negative and you also paid for a herpes antibody test and didn't have sex during the window periods for all the tests, how do you know you don't have HPV? Certain strains of HPV can cause cervical cancer and head and neck cancers. All those negative tests just mean you don't have the things they tested for, in the locations they tested, at that particular time. There are a whole host of other things we either don't/can't test for or don't even know about. Which is why using barrier contraception is so important, even if you are 'clean' (which is a phrase I detest), unless you are willing to accept that you risk contracting a number of things that are potentially very serious.

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    Friday13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm changing my name to 'Public Service Announcement' 😂

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