• How to tell if your tight or loose or somewere inbetween !!

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    My sex life has been suffering hugely the last 4 years and because my OH has erection problems and is only semi erect during sex I'm finding it less pleasurable . I can't feel much when he's inside me and it got me thinking maybe if I tightened things up it would help . I can squeeze my finger etc but just can't seem to feel his penis much .

    i bought some ben wa balls as I heard there good for it , first set 140 gm ones , But when I weighed them myself there actually 200 grams ! I couldn't even tell they was in after first ten mins , expected to have to clench etc . Am going to order the 50 shades ones which are bit heavier and see if they help .

    My question is other tips for tighting up and if anyone else has experienced this , would all the tightening in the world make a difference or am I never going to feel much unless he regains full erections again .

    thank you ( I'm desperate to feel something inside but am worried if I get a vibrator it will only make him feel inadequate , but I can't carry on much longer . I love him but am missing good sex and am trying everything I can to make things better for him )

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi LittleMissLonely and welcome to the forum, I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this.

    First of all, I'd like to let you know that having a vibrator shouldn't make your partner feel inadequate, although I do understand some people feel that they aren't enough if their partner wants to use toys. Toys are there to enhance your sex life, not replace it and if you want to try some new things, let him know. He can be as involved as he wants to be. He can use the vibrator on you, it doesn't have to be restricted to alone time. Maybe he could even try a toy of his own?

    You could get a bullet vibrator, that looks nothing like a penis, as these can be the typical toys a partner worries about. Opt for a toy that doesn't even remotely resemble a penis. I'd suggest something like the Rocks Off Bamboo or 80mm (both sold here at Lovehoney).

    Another thought - I'm not sure what the cause of his erection problems are, but have you considered cock rings before? They can increase the blood flow, which may help with the issue and make him harder. If he's up for trying that, you could perhaps add a vibrating cock ring into the bedroom, as this will help him stay hard and give you a little bit of extra stimulation.

    Communication is key, talk to him about trying new things and how you want to improve your sex life, not replace it. He might be curious about trying new things too, you never know unless you ask!

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    NatandTom wrote:

    Hi LittleMissLonely and welcome to the forum, I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this.

    First of all, I'd like to let you know that having a vibrator shouldn't make your partner feel inadequate, although I do understand some people feel that they aren't enough if their partner wants to use toys. Toys are there to enhance your sex life, not replace it and if you want to try some new things, let him know. He can be as involved as he wants to be. He can use the vibrator on you, it doesn't have to be restricted to alone time. Maybe he could even try a toy of his own?

    You could get a bullet vibrator, that looks nothing like a penis, as these can be the typical toys a partner worries about. Opt for a toy that doesn't even remotely resemble a penis. I'd suggest something like the Rocks Off Bamboo or 80mm (both sold here at Lovehoney).

    Another thought - I'm not sure what the cause of his erection problems are, but have you considered cock rings before? They can increase the blood flow, which may help with the issue and make him harder. If he's up for trying that, you could perhaps add a vibrating cock ring into the bedroom, as this will help him stay hard and give you a little bit of extra stimulation.

    Communication is key, talk to him about trying new things and how you want to improve your sex life, not replace it. He might be curious about trying new things too, you never know unless you ask!

    I agree with all of this. I know some people can feel threatened by toys but if you introduce them to play with together then it should be beneficial to both of you. I love a fairly large butt plug inserted anally for penetrative vaginal sex, it makes everything feel so much tighter down there...my oh agrees. We have LOADS of toys...some are his...most are mine lol.....but we use them most when playing together, we both get more pleasure from them that way xx

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi . Thank you for replying . We've got loads of cock rings , they help a little bit but he just can't get a full erection . His problems started about ten years ago , viagra used to work but there only giving him semis now . He's 17 years older than me . ( I'm 41 )

    i still get turned on and can actually feel his finger more inside me then his penis , it's just ends up leaving me frustrated . He still comes even though he's not fully hard .

    he wouldn't use the vibrator on me it would be something I'd do alone . Iv got a bullet one and few other bits but just not a full size c*** like vibrator .

    got the ben wa balls hoping that I could tighten up but now I don't know if I'm already tight and it's just because he's not hard enough xx

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    I used to love anal but he hates it !! Was disgusted when I told him I used to do it lol . I thought about a cock sleeve but didn't know if it would stay on etc x

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Has he ever tried a penis pump? He can use it to bring the blood into the penis then use a cock ring. It's not a magic fix but it may help a little.

    as would a penis extender that's a bit firm, as opposed to a real feel one.

    as a semi is still rather soft it will just squish as you tighten and you won't feel it.

    im afraid there's nothing you can change to improve things it's down to him.

    it can be a bit hard for men to try and improve sex for their woman especially when the problem is that their erections aren't full, but he needs to put his pride aside and accept that it's just what happens as men age and it would be kind of him to still try and please you, especially as he's still able to orgasm.

    does he compensate in any way with oral or using toys with you?

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with what the other guys have said.

    There are only a few things that I could add and try . One is to try and get him to climax you just using his fingers . I can do that with my Mrs. and I do this if I know I am too tired but it keeps her happy. You may need to guide him as there is a certain amount of skill in it.

    The not getting hard enough could be an age thing. I find it much harder sustaining it but like the others have said a quality cockring will help .

    You could go down the GP front as well if he is prepared to do it and get tablets like viagra . You can also skip the GP and some companies offer a self diagnosis prescription for tablets like viagra but they arn't cheap. I have looked into it myself but my problem is more to do with fatigue and tiredness .

    Many of the sex toys designed for women can be used effectivly on male bodies. A trick frm my Mrs is to sandwicjh my manhood between 2 bullet vibrators .So perhaps a good and less intimidating way would be to try bullet vibrators. We have 2 of the Tracey Cox bullet vibes and probably our oldest toys and still see regualr use .For value for money you can't beat them.

    Another thing is don't forget visuals . Guys luv visual stimulation . So think of lingerie and even dressing up if you know his fantasies . That I feel will also help him .

    I think you have got plenty of things to try and consider

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    He takes 1 and half viagra already ( on script )

    I bought him a vibrating penis pump but he hasn't tried it .

    he does sometimes finger me first but he always say as soon as it's hard enough to get it in he wants to do it straight away as he's afraid it goes off and won't get hard enough again . The sex dosent last too long as he does what I call - a last ten ! The only position that works at all is doggy style at the moment ( which is my fave position anyway ) just wish he was harder and it lasted longer .

    I wear nice underwear , keep everything fully shaved downstairs . Try my best to be visually pleasing . Am bit curvy ( size 12-14) but not fat by any means .

    i do Always squeeze as soon as he's entered me as I thought that would feel better for him . I just stay squeezed for the full time . Perhaps that's just squishing him as someone said and not actually helping . A male perspective has been useful thank you . X

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    Ps his fingering tequnique could definatly be better , I find it hard to tell him that because when he c*** worked it didn't really matter . So after all this time mentioning it now might offend him

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Honestly, it's a touchy subject, but sex should be pleasurable for you too, direct him a bit during and if he ignores just casually suggest in passing that he try something specific, if that doesn't work it may be a case of chatting over a meal about how you need to make sex more enjoyable instead of just him getting his end away.

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    mf77 [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds to me like more communication is needed about both of your likes and dislikes. You could browse Lovehoney together to see what he might like. Or maybe just chat when you are having a quiet time. Just dont approach the subject whilst in the act as that could be awkward. I wouldn't be afraid to bring sex toys in to the bedroom, in fact it might be a super turn on for him to watch you being penetrated and enjoying yourself. In fact I don't think you'll find many men who don't get turned on by a little "show" from their partners. I know I do and I know my partner does.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sex is largly a mind thing, and us guys can get pretty touchy about not being able to perform, the more he is not getting it up the more he won't be able to. If he won't give the pump a go, then I'm afraid to say he's being a typically stuborn guy.

    I have the same problem, and a pump has helped, but the main thing that helped me was accepting that if this is how my body now works then i'm going to find other ways to please a woman. I found I could get so much pleasure from going down on my FWB, and enjoyed her giving me a BJ even though I knew I would never cum.

    Giving and recieving a massage, kissing and just enjoying having her in my arms. I loved her teaching me how to lick and finger her. We got into anal play for me and I discovered that I loved it, with her. I wasn't sure that it would be the same as the real thing ( I'm bi) but I actually found I liked it better. I wish she would have let me use a strapon on her, but she just wanted oral.

    Then I found I was starting to be able to get hard, but could just move onto some other kind of play if I went soft again. Him feeling that he has to get in and off as quick as possible is going to leave you feeling used and empty after a while. It's going to have to be your guy who comes to terms with his problem, him being older is likely playing on his mind, that he won't be able to satisfiy you as a man anymore.

    daft as it sounds him wanting to get in and off before he looses his erection is likely him trying to satisfy you. You need to reasure him that it's him you want, as a person. maybe go back to the begining and enjoy each other physically but without penatration for a while.

    It's not going to be easy, if he gets stuborn over this, but satisfying you properly should be his aim not just getting off. For the sake of your relationship you are going to have to get him to listen to how you feel.

    I wish you all the best.

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you , alone4eva you sound like a lovely man . Sure you won't be alone , sound like a keeper x

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    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    I think alone4ever's got some great advice and I agree that he is a lovely man.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I forgot to say If you use pelvic floor exersises and get tighter then he won't be able to get into you at all, if he is soft. fingers and or toys is what he is going to have to learn to use. Or that pump!!! both if hes got any sense.

    As for him if he gets so he can't get in you, I could still get off between her bum cheeks, or boobs, with barely an erection.

    your compliments made me blush. Thanks both of you.

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone 4.eva , does penetration still feel good without a full erection ? I still want things to be good for him . It's really disheartening when he can't get hard for me ( for both of us I think ) I'm going to keep going on the ben wa balls , iv always done pelvic floors without anything but no idea if iv been doing them right or not . Iv never felt inside another woman so no idea what I feel like inside if it's normal tight loose etc ! My self esteem is quite low and although deep down I know it's a medical problem it's still giving me doubts about my own body aswell x

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    LittleMissLonely [sign in to see picture]
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    We quite often have to use lube because it has to be really wet to get it in , because of him not been full hard not because it's too tight

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    It's not you, it's something that happens. It happens to us women too, it's just easier to fix, women produce less fluid as they get older but we can just use lube for that. Erections aren't as easy to compensate for.
    Have you considered asking him to incorporate toys for your use so you can experience some pleasure?
    I know that my OH still enjoys oral when hes not hard and the fact your OH can orgasm shows that he's still getting pleasure.
    There's only so much we and you can do, it's really down to him to use a pump/extender/strapon/toy to give you what you're missing.
    You could also get him a stroker, flip holes are very good for erectile disfunction because you can open them and put your (his) penis in even if it's flaccid.
    This may bring some excitement in and help him get Erections or allow you to get a toy so you can experience some pleasure.
    Do bear in mind that women don't have many nerves inside so it takes a lot to feel anything, it's not to say there's anything wrong with you but with a lot of lube, and a small flaccid/semierect penis few women would feel anything. I know I can't feel a flaccid penis inside.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Your OH seems to get off quite quickly so he's deffinatly feeling it. My problem was, and to some extent still is, not wanting to feel anything(read some of my very first posts if you are curious)

    Now when I do want to, my subconcious is still there telling me, no you don't.

    It doeesn't take much to knock a guys confidence, if he's kind gentle and caring. This so easily leads to a feeling of failing your woman, and becomes the self fulfiling prophecy.

    When it happens to an older guy for the first time, it's like thats it she won't want me anymore, I'm on the scrap heap, and these thoughts just make it worse. When you are young it happens and you know that it's just a blip, and things will get going again. When you are older, you hear lots of stories of guys loosing the ability( hence the mad rush for viagra) and it starts to take root in your mind.

    Add that to all the other things going on in your head, and you start to believe it ;yes there are medical conditions, such as low testosterone levels, and physiological problems. But mostly it's in the head, age does play some part, more for some than others.

    This feeling of being disheartened, is normal, but it's something you may have to let go of. I don't know just whats behind his problem, but leting go of those feelings of does he still fancy me(for you) and will she still fancy me (for him), is a good step. It was accepting this for me that helped me start getting stronger erections again; and I'm sure my pump helped too.

    It's possible that you doubting your own body is making you feel less too. If I can stop myself feeling anything when penetrating a woman, then you can be making yourself feel less too. I could get an erection and keep myself hard with my hand and feel everything, then the second I try to penatrate I can't feel anything. It wasn't that my FWB was loose, infact from having my fingers insider her I can tell you she was actually very tight.

    Get a rabbit or something simmilar, something that is of similar size to your OH and see how it feels for you. If you feel you dare not risk doing that, for your OH finding out. then improvise. But you got the Ben wa balls. Find out if you can feel something harder, even if it's a peeled carrot, or an hairbrush handle. Having the balls inside you is not the same as in out friction and fullness.

    I'm sure you don't love him because he gets hard for you, I think you are feeling disheartened for him. You too may need to learn to enjoy his fingers or a toy being used on you. There is more to sex than just penatration, and yes I know how it feels to want him in you, to want him to get hard for you (I'm Bi) remember.

    Just try not to blame your body, I'm not saying give up, just that you may have to change how you have sex; both of you. Adapting to new situations is what humans are good at, and don't for get what using tools has done for us, why should sex be any different.

    Hit him on the head with that pump for me will you, thats one road that needs travelling, and don't pressure yourselves keep trying and in the mean time adapt, if only a little.

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