• Need help to let go of my inhibitions!

    1462200091
    Bebrave [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello everyone :-)

    Ok, so I have a new boyfriend after being being single for more than 10 years - no sex at all during that time apart from solo!

    I lack in sexual confidence massively due to some events that happened in childhood but now is the time to let all of that go and enjoy being in a relationship.

    I struggle to communicate much during sex and stay pretty quiet - I don't tend to initiate much because I don't really know how! I really want to be able to throw caution to the wind and show my man (and myself) a very exciting time!

    What are your best tips to help with confidence and letting go of inhibitions? I'd be very grateful to hear any advice you can give as I'm determined now to have fun but am struggling to break down all the barriers.

    Thank you :-) X

    1462200477
    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    The first thing I would advise you to do is not let yourself feel too pressured to do all of that, things like this take a little bit of time to begin with. When it comes to letting go the key things are to be relaxed and to be 100% sure that you trust the person you're doing it with, along with being sure that you want to do it.

    Confidence is a little bit more tricky - it tends to come alongside letting go because you stop thinking about the things that bother you when your partner really doesn't see them the way you do. I have confidence issues within myself but during sex I'm not even thinking about them, I'm just focused on the feelings and my partner and that take my mind off of everything else.

    Considering how long it's been I would really suggest giving it a little bit of time to get yourself comfortable with the idea of everything first and then ease yourself back into it - feeling pressured will only lead to more issues and so keeping calm and thinking straight are important.

    Other than that, all I can say is good luck with everything. :) It can certainly be stressful to have issues over confidence and inhibitions but with a little time and persistance from yourself you can definitely overcome them, especially with a partner that treasures you. Talk it out with your partner as well, it's important that they know your boundaries and your comfort zones.

    1462201018
    Bebrave [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you very much for that. Definitely good advice. I'm quite a confident person outside of the bedroom but inside, it's a different story.

    I have discussed it with my partner and he's great and patient but I know he'd definitely like me to be more vocal and assertive for a start! The thing is, I want that too but it's letting go that first time to let it happen.

    Hopefully things will get better as time goes on - I don't want to be boring anyway so will try my best to shake it all off - and with any luck, enjoy doing so!!

    Thanks again X

    1462201465
    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
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    Bebrave wrote:

    Hello everyone :-)

    Ok, so I have a new boyfriend after being being single for more than 10 years - no sex at all during that time apart from solo!

    I lack in sexual confidence massively due to some events that happened in childhood but now is the time to let all of that go and enjoy being in a relationship.

    I struggle to communicate much during sex and stay pretty quiet - I don't tend to initiate much because I don't really know how! I really want to be able to throw caution to the wind and show my man (and myself) a very exciting time!

    What are your best tips to help with confidence and letting go of inhibitions? I'd be very grateful to hear any advice you can give as I'm determined now to have fun but am struggling to break down all the barriers.

    Thank you :-) X

    Hello :)

    I'm going to address different points in your post seperately like Kitten has.

    First off congratulations about the new boyfriend! I hope he's absolutely wonderful. I'm also sorry to hear about some negative experiences during your childhood. If you feel that it's something you want to talk about more that affects you I'd recommend talking to a therapist or even Samaritans.They're there to listen and support you through anything, not just suicide like everyone assumes.

    First off, when you say that you stay pretty quiet during sex is this just talking or does that extend to moaning, changing position, etc? Conversations during sex aren't necessary but moaning or pehaps an "oh god NAME" when they're doing something particularly well is great as they know to do more of it. Also just brief words like "harder" can really be a turn on and make for a great time.

    Initating sex is something that tends to follow a little process in my head. I like sex before bed so I'll say to my partner that I want a goodnight kiss and cuddle. During that I'll let my hands wander and one peck turn into a few pecks, turn into proper kissing. One thing tends to lead to another after that.

    Alternatively me and the OH are pretty open with each other so it can just be as simple as me giving him lil devil horn symbols with my fingers which he knows as "horny". That'll turn into some dirty talk on the way home and then bang it's banging.

    Confidence is a big one that everyone struggles with, myself definitely included and you'll see from my other threads that it's still an issue for me to some extent. Overthinking is something I've found can cause a lot of confidence problems. Whilst I am hyper aware of my tummy pouch and that spot on the side of my nose my partner is likely just thinking "oh boy sexy times!". Make sure that you're feeling good at the time. That doesn't have to be racy underwear and red lipstick. It could just be a good hair day or when you've just had a compliment.

    Good luck dear. I know it can be difficult but I do hope you get there :)

    1462202208
    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    Bebrave wrote:

    Thank you very much for that. Definitely good advice. I'm quite a confident person outside of the bedroom but inside, it's a different story.

    I have discussed it with my partner and he's great and patient but I know he'd definitely like me to be more vocal and assertive for a start! The thing is, I want that too but it's letting go that first time to let it happen.

    Hopefully things will get better as time goes on - I don't want to be boring anyway so will try my best to shake it all off - and with any luck, enjoy doing so!!

    Thanks again X

    If he's great about it all, what is it that's stopping you? If there's something getting in the way of you two having a good time try to address that. When does the issue come about? Is it before the act, during or after? Having a trustworthy partner who understands is a really good start and it's great that he's patient, it gives you more wriggle room to get back into enojying yourself and a partner sexually. What sort of things go through your head when you start to feel the inhibitioms taking over?

    I think the best thing to do is keep a positive head on about it all. Every time you think of something negative about yourself think of something positive to combat it, for example if you think that you don't like your body, think of yourself in some really sexy lingerie, or even just think about how much your partner loves it instead and that it doesn't matter either way to them. This tends to work on and off for me, but like I said earlier, I am perfectly fine with confidence during sex, it's confidence otherwise that I'm terrible at, haha.

    It really does sound like you're on your way to getting there though, having already spoken to him. I'm sure you'll be enjoying yourselves to the fullest in no time. The first time with someone is always a big step and it takes time for people to adjust. I'd say just take it slow and do what feels right. :)

    1462204001
    Bebrave [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you both for the good advice.

    The staying quiet during sex thing - if for example he asks what I want to do, or what I want him to do and my brain just gets stuck, it's like a mental block and I can't say. Think it's just something that I'll get better at with time and confidence. I don't really intiate changes of position either and I want to so need to just do something about that!

    I think I've made a bit more progress than I'm giving myself credit for actually. He has not put any pressure on me to do anything and has happily taken the lead etc but I want to change things up and have a 'normal' or what I perceive to be normal sex life.

    More time and lots more practice is probably the answer and to stop overthinking things as us women tend to do!!!

    Thank you :-) xx

    1462204140
    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    Bebrave wrote:

    Thank you both for the good advice.

    The staying quiet during sex thing - if for example he asks what I want to do, or what I want him to do and my brain just gets stuck, it's like a mental block and I can't say. Think it's just something that I'll get better at with time and confidence. I don't really intiate changes of position either and I want to so need to just do something about that!

    I think I've made a bit more progress than I'm giving myself credit for actually. He has not put any pressure on me to do anything and has happily taken the lead etc but I want to change things up and have a 'normal' or what I perceive to be normal sex life.

    More time and lots more practice is probably the answer and to stop overthinking things as us women tend to do!!!

    Thank you :-) xx

    Can't agree with you more, overthinking things will totally be the death of me!! Hahah. Definitely a habit I need to kill.

    1462204453
    Bebrave [sign in to see picture]
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    It's easier said than done!! We are all in the same boat though, it's most definitely a female thing!

    I really do appreciate you taking the time to chat to me, thank you x

    1462216592
    Gem276 [sign in to see picture]
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    I like to google all things regarding sex as it fascinates me and it's my favourite subject! You can google "the hottest thing a girl can say in bed" and the results could give you some tips and the confidence to know that it'll be well received! Good guys like to please their ladies so if you are used to your solo time then he will always appreciate you being honest when it comes to you giving him direction and if you're feeling brave you could show him first hand!

    I would also replicate the extended kisses, you can always trail your kisses down his body and the give him oral. My man loves that I tend to wake him up with a blow job in the mornings (we don't live together).

    Having come out of a 13year relationship I can definitely confirm that you can change sexual habits and the way in which you communicate with your partner, especially if you aren't normally shy except for in the bedroom.

    1462228623
    loganlogan [sign in to see picture]
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    I have suffered from the same confidence issues.i was a virgin well into my 20s and didn't know how to be intimate with my first girlfriend. Alot of our sexual communication came from texting each other and then incorporating what we text into our intimate time.
    It wasn't the only way we discussed what we both liked or wanted but it was an ice breaker that made it easier to talk about things. The roles were reversed with my most recent girlfriend, I was the more experienced so it was trying to make her feel confident with me.
    I've read on the forum that people have written letters to partners. I know putting things down on paper or text or over the phone can be a little less daunting and make what we see as a stressful situation a bit easier.
    With me it was a complete lack of experience and low body confidence that meant I needed a lot of help.being in a relationship is a building process.it takes time but it gets easier and your confidence will grow(even if you never think it will).
    I also agree with advice from other post.try not to over think it too much.just try and enjoy it

    1462230585
    Fredster [sign in to see picture]
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    Stick a blinfold on him n let yourself go. That way he will think you have the confidence and he cant see the things youre afraid of. It really is a liberating thing. We Both tried it recently and she Really surprised me.
    Enjoy

    1462299849
    FreyFrey [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Bebrave,

    My advice would be to get them to talk and ask questions whilst you're in bed together as this will get you used to being vocal but without any pressure as you are only answering their questions and not initiating the conversation.

    They could ask "does that feel good" or "do you like this or this better" when they touch you. They could share their fantasies and ask your opnion as in "I would really like to do this, would you like that?". Just easy stuff to start with and you will get used to hearing yourself and responding.

    Also, I've found hearing your partner verbally enjoying either what you are doing to them or they are doing to you can be a turn on and can help with confidence.

    Another good way is for your partner to ask to hear you whilst they are actually touching you as in the moment you are more likely to comply especially if they make it clear that it turns them on if you do.

    An example would be him on top entering you and at the same time whispering in your ear that he wants to hear you moan.

    These are just my ideas and have worked for me in the past but as everybody says don't put too much pressure on yourself, talk about worries and fears (outside the bedroom) and start small.

    Good luck!

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