• How to Re-gain Self-esteem After Disastrous Threesome?

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    Apollo2016 [sign in to see picture]
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    My wife has wanted one thing for a while - to be DP'd. It was a disaster.

    The one time we tried with another guy. He was huge and hard (albeit 25 years old) and I, over 60, couldn't get fully erect. So she got on him reverse cowgirl and easily took all of him anally. When I then tried to enter her vagina, things went south. I thrusted a few times, but started going soft. I pulled out and could only watch as she rode him to a shattering orgasm. She saw my distress but I urged her to go for it. I was somewhat revleved when he finally finished, having absolutely filled her with spunk/

    I'm not a cuck wanna-be, so while I'm pleased she had such fun, I don't intend to let this happen to me again. She's asked if she could see him one time since, which was OK as long as I wasn't present, and I was finally was able to spend a night with a woman I've wanted for years (with my wife's knoweledge and no guilt). Since then our sex has been back to normal.

    However, I feel like less of a man than before. I have a craving to be like this guy who is 35+ years younger (which, I know is ridiculous), so I've been seeing young escorts without my wife knowing who are happy to make me feel macho. I love her so I always use protection.

    My wife would never say so, but I feel diminished in her eyes. Any advice would be a great hekp.

    A.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you tried viagra?

    Have you looked into what lovehoney has to offer? There may be great way to enhance sex for you both, harness, dildos, bondage, cock rings, penis sleeves, or other sex toys. I'm sure there would be some things that could help. For exemple, a cock ring does help to enhance erections and to keep the penis erect (also makes the erection stronger and last longer). Penis sleeves are also made in order to help with erection issues, and it can also add lenght or girth to your penis. Bondage could help you be dominant and feel more of a man, which is something you seem to be wanting. There is so many possibilities.

    Also, you seem to have a really open and honest relationship, which is great, but seeing escorts behind your wife's back doesn't seem to fit with that. Maybe you could go for a talk, telling her exactly how you feel and what those escorts bring to you. You could then tell her what they do that make you feel more confident so she could do it too. I am sure she will understand and be willing to work on that.

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    Apollo2016 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you, mamz, for your reply. Viagra, Cialis, etc., don't get me hard enough. As I've aged, my balls seem to slip out of cock rings - perhaps I'm using the wrong kind.

    As to the escorts, you are right - they make me feel like a man - for a price. Strangely, during the night I spent with the wife of a friend I took her anally, vaginally, AND orally. She said her hubby had lost interest or something because he hadn't satisfied her so well for ages. This left me even more confused. I love my wife totally, and was happy to see her pleasured, but this other woman turned me into the stud I used to be.

    I'd hate to think I was somehow competeing with the young guy my wife was having. Even though I've experimented with the bi side, watching his cock in my wife wasn't a turn-on.

    Confused is putting it mildly.

    Thanks for your help, and I welcome any further ideas you may have.

    A.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Other than that are you in a good shape? exercising, no hypertension, no diabetes etc? It could probably have an impact too (other than age and testosterone level)

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    Apollo2016 [sign in to see picture]
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    Have marginal diabetes, and use testosterone gel. Horny as an 18-year boy, but my body doesn't seem to know that.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Diabetes does affect blood flow in small vessels. I don't know the exact corelation but I think this could affect one's erection.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mental state / stress has a big impact on erections as well. Maybe it was such a turn off to see her taking this man that way that your body reacted the way it did.

    I'm sorry but given the openess of your marriage I think you need to rethink seeing escorts as a solution here as itcould really hurt her?

    It is worth talking to your doctor to rule out anything else medical.

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    Apollo2016 [sign in to see picture]
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    Solid advice from everyone. Maybe I should wait until Lovehoney sells bionic dicks.....

    Seriously, my wife was thrilled by the feeling of fullness. On their second encounted she made sure he also fucked her vaginally, and felt that same pleasure.

    I think the escorts were a good short-term help, but I might try using a large strap-on to see if that helps.

    1461566027

    [suspended user]

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    Just to add to the advice already given by the others: you can get cock rings to use only on your penis, instead of balls too, and / or the adjustable ones to put where you prefer, but with the extra possibility to tighten more if the balls start slipping out. And remember that Viagra and the rest only open the blood vessels to help the penis become / stay erect, they will not just give you an erection without stimulation, you still need sex for that.

    Very sound advice up here about talking to her and telling her how she can help, ultimately it's only up to her to give you back the confidence with her you are currently lacking.

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    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
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    Agree with most that has been said here already, especially with what Vanessa posted "I'm sorry but given the openess of your marriage I think you need to rethink seeing escorts as a solution here as it could really hurt her?" You need to talk to your wife not resort to an escort.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry you are feeling like this...it must be vey distressing for you.

    Although you obviously have a very open marriage I'm wondering if seeing your wife enjoy this other man so much was just a step too far. I'm sure you love her deeply but you would rather be the pleasuring her ...right ? An escort may make you feel macho again but guilty too.....your wife would, as you said, probably be hurt. Realistly a much younger man is going to stay harder for much longer....thats just a fact. However I really think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her what you've told us...I'm assuming she dosent know how you're feeling and I'm certain she would do anything to help you feel great again. You can have loads of fun trying to get you back to feling good about yourself.....but do it together, not separatley xx

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    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    ED and other performance issues often seem psychologically driven and from how easily my own performance can be knocked by simple distractions I'm not surprised you had performance issues in those circumstances.

    As I'm sure you have already found, ED feeds on itself and just knowing that you have had one failure in the past can bring on the next failure if you so much as give it a thought. As I've already mentioned in another thread, having a back-up plan for how to satisfy your wife should ED strike has dramatically reduced my problems (and, of course, the harness allows DP without a second man involved which might help as well).

    However, I have also found that pelvic floor exercises are a great way to improve the hardness of your erection and also my ability to control my orgasm so I can last as long as I need to. Pelvic floor exercises can be difficult to get right and to sustain but there are electrical stimulators that I have found to work very well (though you do need to devote some time - several hours per week - to their use).

    It's difficult to apportion how much of the benefit of the exercises is psychological - I'm sure some of it is as it gives one belief that your erection is solid and can last without any aids (such as a cock ring). However, it really doesn’t matter if 99% of the effect is psychological so long as it works.

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    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    I cant believe Im reading this!!

    first rule of threesome: ALL three people MUST be comfotable with it and respect the boundaries.

    The only problem you have is your wife! The moment she saw your distress (as you put it), the whole thing should have stopped - regardless of whether you were encouraging her to carry on for her own pleasure.

    Her priority should've been you and your feelings and not her impending orgasm with some 25yr old guy you both hardly know.

    To then go on and discuss meeting him again is awful in my opinion and shows a total disprespect towards you.

    I also don't think going to see the escorts has done you any favours whatsoever.

    This whole thing needs to be discussed with your wife properly starting from beginning when you first felt uncomfortable.

    Imagine if it was the other way around and she felt uncomfortable seeing you with a 25 yr old woman, but you just carried on regardless.

    It will be a very very difficult conversation for you to have and for her to listen to without feeling like she is being accused but it needs to be done for your own self esteem and maybe even your marriage.

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    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    Just Jenson wrote:

    I cant believe Im reading this!!

    first rule of threesome: ALL three people MUST be comfotable with it and respect the boundaries.

    The only problem you have is your wife! The moment she saw your distress (as you put it), the whole thing should have stopped - regardless of whether you were encouraging her to carry on for her own pleasure.

    Her priority should've been you and your feelings and not her impending orgasm with some 25yr old guy you both hardly know.

    To then go on and discuss meeting him again is awful in my opinion and shows a total disprespect towards you.

    I also don't think going to see the escorts has done you any favours whatsoever.

    This whole thing needs to be discussed with your wife properly starting from beginning when you first felt uncomfortable.

    Imagine if it was the other way around and she felt uncomfortable seeing you with a 25 yr old woman, but you just carried on regardless.

    It will be a very very difficult conversation for you to have and for her to listen to without feeling like she is being accused but it needs to be done for your own self esteem and maybe even your marriage.

    +1 spot on.

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    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Just Jenson wrote:

    I cant believe Im reading this!!

    first rule of threesome: ALL three people MUST be comfotable with it and respect the boundaries.

    The only problem you have is your wife! The moment she saw your distress (as you put it), the whole thing should have stopped - regardless of whether you were encouraging her to carry on for her own pleasure.

    Her priority should've been you and your feelings and not her impending orgasm with some 25yr old guy you both hardly know.

    To then go on and discuss meeting him again is awful in my opinion and shows a total disprespect towards you.

    I also don't think going to see the escorts has done you any favours whatsoever.

    This whole thing needs to be discussed with your wife properly starting from beginning when you first felt uncomfortable.

    Imagine if it was the other way around and she felt uncomfortable seeing you with a 25 yr old woman, but you just carried on regardless.

    It will be a very very difficult conversation for you to have and for her to listen to without feeling like she is being accused but it needs to be done for your own self esteem and maybe even your marriage.

    I also agree with this.

    We have discussed the possibility of doing this, but have reached the conclusion it is not for us.

    I love dp, but this is easily achieved without the addition of a third party. A dildo, butt plug or even a double ended dildo then she can give oral at the same time and feel totally 'filled'.

    Personally I don't think the mental anguish is worth it, although I do appreciate it works for some, and I don't have a problem with anyone who wishes to partake, we are all different.

    I am so sorry it has turned out like this for you and sincerely hope you can come back from this.

    Xx

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry it didn't work out for you both. I always think that threesomes are one of those things that should be left purely as a fantasy when in a committed relationship unless you are regular swingers and totally happy to see each other in action with other people so boundaries are set and there is no jealousy felt or attachments made or the only other way I can see this could work is if everyone concerned is single and then no feelings are involved and everyone is out to get maximum pleasure for themselves from the experience without worrying too much about the future consequences.

    It would absolutely destroy me to see my OH with someone else and thankfully it's not something he's interested in doing at all. I'm not surprised you went soft. I think it's awful that your wife saw this guy again after seeing your reaction and if she doesn't know about the escorts you're seeing and you're sneaking around that's awful. You are putting both of your sexual health's at risk and can you be 100% sure she hasn't seen this guy again without your knowledge?


    As other members have said dp can be done with toys so you get the sensation without the possible devastation.


    Please ditch the escorts, talk to your wife and explain how this has made you feel and I really hope that you can salvage your relationship. Good luck.

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    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    Just Jenson wrote:

    I cant believe Im reading this!!

    first rule of threesome: ALL three people MUST be comfotable with it and respect the boundaries.

    The only problem you have is your wife! The moment she saw your distress (as you put it), the whole thing should have stopped - regardless of whether you were encouraging her to carry on for her own pleasure.

    Her priority should've been you and your feelings and not her impending orgasm with some 25yr old guy you both hardly know.

    To then go on and discuss meeting him again is awful in my opinion and shows a total disprespect towards you.

    I also don't think going to see the escorts has done you any favours whatsoever.

    This whole thing needs to be discussed with your wife properly starting from beginning when you first felt uncomfortable.

    Imagine if it was the other way around and she felt uncomfortable seeing you with a 25 yr old woman, but you just carried on regardless.

    It will be a very very difficult conversation for you to have and for her to listen to without feeling like she is being accused but it needs to be done for your own self esteem and maybe even your marriage.

    Couldn't agree with this more. Your wife should be more considerate of your feelings as well, best thing for you to do is talk it out with her. Tell her everything you're feeling. She shouldn't be taking advantage of the fact that you two have an open relationship when it's making you feel the way you do, especially not with someone that makes you feel like you're competing. That isn't fair on you at all. Likewise with you and the escorts, that needs to be in the open with her. Considering your relationship is open, you should probably have spoken to this before as that's going to add a bit of fuel to the fire, but really.. overall, communication and trust are the key to a lasting relationship.

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    Apollo2016 [sign in to see picture]
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    Update for all: I took my wife out for a romantic dinner and a frank talk. I told her about the escorts, and (as many of you warned) she was unhappy with me, mostly because I didnn't go to her first. Since I used condoms, she was less bothered by my seeing the escorts. She said she isn't threatened by a "sex specialist" (as she put it) because there is no emotional bond.

    She has not seen the young guy again, which I believe, though she admits to craving the feeling of being entered and filled by such a big cock.

    THEN came a curve ball. She had confided some of this to a female friend who is also in an open-minded marriage. The friend suggested we try to find another man to play with, hung enough to please, but who is a total sub, and who therefore would be less threatening to me. In years past we were swingers and occasionally she and the other wife would get into it. A few times we would let the other hubby lick her clean after i finished and even give me oral. I never failed to be rock hard and come loads in that situation.

    It's been more than ten years, but I admit the idea did arouse me. Probably it would be difficult to find the right person.

    Advice is welcome. At this point I don't see much of a downside, but am I missing something?

    Thanks again to all. Your understanding and support is just what I had hoped to find in the Lovehoney community.

    A.

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    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you really want to have a threesome again or would you do it just to please your wife? I think your wife should care more about your feelings that being filled with a large penis. After all, you have been together for a long time and should want eachother to feel happy and confident. As already stated, there are lots of toys to aid you with double penetration withou the need of involving another man.

    What if the same thing happens again during the theesome? How would that affect your self esteem and your marriage? Do what is best for you, you are the one who have to live with the consequences. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% confident in.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Sxleksaker wrote:

    Do you really want to have a threesome again or would you do it just to please your wife? I think your wife should care more about your feelings that being filled with a large penis. After all, you have been together for a long time and should want eachother to feel happy and confident. As already stated, there are lots of toys to aid you with double penetration withou the need of involving another man.

    What if the same thing happens again during the theesome? How would that affect your self esteem and your marriage? Do what is best for you, you are the one who have to live with the consequences. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% confident in.

    +1 to this. It hurt the last time you tried a threesome....if it goes wrong again just think how much it will hurt again. Please......think VERY carefully about doing this again, the idea may sound good but it did last time too. No one on here wants you to feel like that again......I certainly don't, you were obviously very distressed last time xx

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