• Possible to start over?

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi everyone. First a thank you to any of you who may have helped in any past posts i have made. x

    So following some difficulties in our relstionship i feel that we are doing well at rebuilding things.

    There are however things that i feel i miss. For example the lack of touching in intimate areas generally does not happennand foreplay is kissing lots of caressing and such like. We do still enjoy a good amount of sex but i want to go back to when she woukd touch me and pleasure me in ways other than just straight to sex. She does not like being touched down there and says she gets no pleasure from it. i feel useless i nlove giving oral sex and get turned on touching her.

    in the past we argued so much about this but thenni justvlet it be and when along with her that maybe she woukd come round. she says it might happen someday but dont expect to go back to the old days.

    The thing is she is the most amazing lover but i feel her dislike of these things has restricted our love life.

    So the taijg approach has not worked. the waiting for her to change will not work as it has not for a number of years. so i am thinking of writing a letter and just asking that we start of like new lovers and that we just give it a try and put the toys away maybe too. just want her to try it for say a month and to really work on injecting passion again.

    ow can i preswade her that it is worth doing? She could just say well if you are not happy then leave but i am not going to do that. She could also say why should she.

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    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    A letter is a good idea. Well done for acknowledging communication is important, a skill most men lack.

    how about start dating again? Go back to when you two first met. Bring in romance, flowers, chocolates, weekend away? Massage is really good for building intimacy. Make her see that you aren't interested in pressure and timing. So she can relax about over thinking this and if she has a time limit before you have enough. women do go through dry patches. Just persevere and keep patient.

    Good luck

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Can I kindly just ask a few questions.

    1) What ages both of you are ?

    2) How long have you been in this relationship?

    3) Are you both experimented with other forms of sex like, light bondage, erotic spanking etc?

    4)When you state caressing is this in other areas other than you intimate areas ?

    5) Have you both set boundaries ?

    6) How often do you have sex or try ?

    7) Are you both on your own in the house or are their kids in the background. ? Just assessing if your limited to the bedroom here.

    8) A nitty gritty question do you both still demonstrate that you love each other or is it one sided with you making all the effort. ?

    By all means if there are any questions you on't feel comfortable 'with then don't answer them and I apologise in advance.

    I just think that these questions will help myself and others to get more of a feel of your current situation

    Thanks .

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    We are both around 33. Been together 12 years and married almost 2. i managed to get her to spank me a few times with a wooden spoon but she said it hurt me and didnt feel right. i really quite liked being made to bend over and her spanking me thugh it did hurt. yes there is usually plenty of caressing of other areas but not genitals unless underwear is on.

    Set boundries? problem is that i dont have any really so i supose she has done the boundry setting.

    We probably have sex around twice a week. i dont try to initiate it is good when she initiates but whenever i try it always seems to be the wrong moment.

    We dont have kids but she hs a demandin job and gets very tired and i work away but m tryin to get a normal job at home.

    In general i feel i make a lot of the effort she says she is not very imaginative and we dint need to do things together. though if i dont push her she will do special things. and things have been much better since we bought our own nice house.

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    SquirtyPanda wrote:

    A letter is a good idea. Well done for acknowledging communication is important, a skill most men lack.

    how about start dating again? Go back to when you two first met. Bring in romance, flowers, chocolates, weekend away? Massage is really good for building intimacy. Make her see that you aren't interested in pressure and timing. So she can relax about over thinking this and if she has a time limit before you have enough. women do go through dry patches. Just persevere and keep patient.

    Good luck

    +1. Great advice SquirtyPanda:)
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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for that. Well it rules out the possibility of hormones. To me it sounds like she isn't or allowing herself to be turned on.

    I am just looking at some other things to add to the excellent advice already given by squrty Panda .I am a firm believer in romance and do buy my Mrs Flowers .Ladies well most luv em !

    The other areas you are doing right ie the kissing and caressing .But again for some reason she is preventing you from caressing her in her intimate areas. I think you need to find out why that is .Is she frightened of you getting her pregnant. Then contraception or reassurances over contraception may need to be discussed.

    I think you both need a chat over dinner as to how to improvethings.Perhaps find out her deepest fantasy and see if it'something you could try.

    Some other things to suggest , after a good night out offer to give h er a massage .of she feels more comfortable she can always keep her pants on until the very last moment and then slip them off her and offer to massage her in her intimate area with a water based lube.

    I know from what you have stated that she has spanked you , just wondering if you could try some erotic spanking on her as part of your foreplay. Again ask her . This is much different than the spanking you received from her The swats are much lighter and you caress her body at the same time. It's geared more for arousal than pleasure/ pain .It's best when she is on all fours on the bed and can be done over pants if she prefers.

    At end of the day though I think both of you need to sit down together and talk and discuss what your needs are and then decide between you perhaps with some compromises the way foward.These can form your new boundaries of which many couples have.

    I don't think there is a massive amount to put right here if being honest but perhaps some tweaking here and there.

    Good luck

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there. I have only in the last year or two got back into receiving oral which was something we did a lot when we first got together. I was very worried about not smelling and tasting right down there and things looking different after childbirth so avoided it but with reassurance from my OH as he really loves doing it and missed it we now use a flavoured lube and I can relax and enjoy knowing how turned on it makes him without worrying about bad tastes or smells. Maybe get some flavoured lube to ask her very casually (I saw something new and thought it would be fun to try it) to use on you for a BJ and she'll hopefully think about trying some on herself given time.


    Just keep talking to each other. Remember the kisses and cuddles. Enjoy the sex you are getting and don't pressure her at all. If she is stressed at work that will effect her libido and hopefully this is just a stage and soon she will be ready to be more adventurous and try new things in her own time.

    My own sex life improved when I got to 40 and it's now better than ever :)

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Forgot to add that I also used to get no pleasure from being touched down there. It made me cringe as it felt tickle and annoying. It wasn't until I started masturbating with my fingers and then experimenting with a bullet vibrator that I discovered how and where I liked to be touched and now that area has been awakened to the sensations of pleasure and I am now able to have clitoral orgasms.

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    the problem is that she does not like to talk about this subject! at all. she knows i would like to do other things but the fact that it has been many years since seems to enshrine the current situation as normal.

    then when ever it has come up in discussions about sex she says well we have sex thats normal and the other stuff is not so deal with it.

    she says she has chnaged and thats just the way it is we cant go back to how things were so just accept what i give you.

    it feels like i used to enjoy a feast of whatever i wanted and now i get breadcrumbs and told well i give you something just cos you dont get everything you want dont moan or you will get nothing at all.

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    to add to imh95 - my wife does not like her smell diwn there or how it looks and she will onky use vibrators which have all been bught by me - such a fool trying to get her excited and hoping she would give back she never touches herself down there

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    bondagegod [sign in to see picture]
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    I just had a look at your previous posts and there is one from two years when you was asking advice because your fiancé wouldn't let you touch her down below. Today post is along similar lines but now you say she is your wife. Before you got married did this situation change and did you talk about it? Was things different with being newly weds and now gone back to your wife not wanting to let you play with her again down below or has it been the same since you got married?

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    ok so no nothing chnged and i got married despite this. there were other things going onni feel mostly of my doing. i need to be at hime working and not away to bring more stability i hope to be able to get a job to do this soon.

    the other aspects of life between us have generally become much more peaceful so i feel myself being drawn towards her position which is that generally the sex is good and we dont need to do things unless we both enjy them and there are more imortant things than sex.

    i feel that i should have the time and space while i am away at the moment to write a long letter and i suppose being very careful in it hw i say things although i am temoted to just say what i want!

    she will possibky say oh all i ever say is what i want and have no idea or dont care what she wants.

    as far as i can gather she wants plenty of her own space, sex when she wants it on her terms, and not to talk unless we or shoul i say she thinks we need to.

    she says she workd on actions not words and yes i can be full of words and she is not - dont get me wrong i love it when she is and talks a lot. but what if i say ti her abiut actions that i will let her know in the letter what i would like and if she wants to take the actiins or talk thats u to her but i wont oush her into it like i have before she just does not like the conversation being bought up.

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    please excuse the typos in the previous post i have one of those silly little thin tablet keyboards!

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    If things have always been this way and you still married her...you clearly love her loads. I'm wondering however, if you may be trying to change her into something she isnt ? If you're asking for things she has never given you, she probably cant understand why you want them.

    One way or another if you want to explain how you feel then you both need to be open to discussing it. A letter is probably a good staring point...and I agree, a job where you can be at home a lot more and spend some quality time with her would help. Not just time for sex either...time to eat out, pop to the pub together....generally do things other then sex. She may feel that thats all you want from her ? I'm not for a minute suggesting thats the case....but that maybe how it comes accross to her xx

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you that was very interesting.

    the things i want are not things she has never given but that died out years ago.

    i feel that there are many things that i do for her that i msy not want to do or do not like there are things i let her do to me i dont like but she enjoys so i ket her do it. if i bring this up then all i get is well life is not fair deal with it.

    i do agree with what you say perhaps she feels it is all about sex and i need to do things with no expectation of sex.

    i suppose there is a fine line between trying to hard and not trying enough. sometimes i feel i try to hard and get nothing when i have expected soemthing and then at other times i dont bother and she says if ony you had tried it on tonight i was in the mod just wahted you to make a move on me!

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    We went through a sticky patch when I convinced myself that my OH was only nice to me or spent time with me when he wanted sex. This was not the case but writing it down in a letter and then discussing it sorted things out. I was the same feeling horny some nights but not saying anything and wanting him to make the first move but we spoke about it and he's not a mind reader so now if we fancy sex we let each other know by flirting and teasing throughout the day.


    Try to bring back a bit more romance, long walks holding hands, go for a picnic spend quality time together without any pressure to have sex. Let her know how much you love her with kind, romantic gestures like flowers, chocolates, scented candles, make a playlist of favourite songs, go to the movies basically go back to what it was like when you first started dating.

    I love when my OH puts his arms around my waist when I'm at the sink doing the dishes and holds me tight and gives me a kiss on the side of my neck.


    As for the "down there" issues of not liking how it looks. My OH introduced me to the Lady Cheeky site and seeing women of all shapes and sizes and how all their different vaginas looked has made me realise that mine is perfectly normal after all and boosted my confidence. It has been good for me to see how sexy and powerful these women look and how much enjoyment they get from sex and masturbation. It's taken the dirty, wrong, shameful feelings away from me and opened my eyes a lot.

    Hope that the job hunting goes well and that when you are home more you can be more intimate and loving with each other on a daily basis.

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you very much for your insight.

    There was one thing i wanted to ask...

    need to look after myself more and i am always saying how great she lokks etc but dont always get the same on her but thats just her way she says she does not compiament too much ir it does not mean anything.

    Anyway i have been trying to exercise more and we have a holiday booked for june. What i really want is for her to swoon over me! Any tips on how to do this except life weights 24/7?!

    What kind of things would make a woman swoon?

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not a big fan of the arnie muscles look at all.


    My OH makes me swoon when he looks like he has made a bit of an effort and is nicely dressed, clean shaven and has a great smelling aftershave on:)

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I cant help you with the swooning bit I'm afraid...my oh only has to touch me, even just a quick kiss and I'm soaking wet and aching for him.

    The holiday sounds great but dont let it become all about the sex. Enjoy yourselves doing other things together as well. If you want the sex to go back to how it used to be ...then other things need too as well. I dont know your wife, romantic dinners, flowers, an arm around her sometimes (without expecting anything in return), a cheeky bum squeeze, compliment her on how lovely she looks ? I think these are things that most women wou;ld appreciate. And certainly make an effort to look good yourself....but dont get the hump if she dosent tell you...some people find doing that kind of thing very awkward. Just because she dosent say it.....dosent mean she hasnt noticed xx

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    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    ill try to keep it chilled out on the hol.

    i am not going for arnie muscles but there was a time a few years ago when i spent a couple of months putting innthe hard work and when i got home on leave she was like oh nice arms! i cant tell you what a boast it gave me!

    i have very small arms anyway so any working out on my body should be noticed!

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