• Guess it's all over , mid 40's and suffering

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    Mr Gentleman gent [sign in to see picture]
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    Well Lovehone/Everyone,

    After buying many items from you, my wife (she's 47) has decided to bin everything and i had to burn it all,

    Many Toys and several costumes (including her very short plaid skirt, thigh highs and white blouse).

    So i find myself back here wondering what do do next, is that it, am i in my mid forties and were just gonna be friends or shall i ask whats wrong and what should i do to get her spark back.

    I'm asking for advice here, please help

    Thanks

    Mr G

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    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mr G,

    That's really sad to hear, why did she want to get rid of it all? Was it a snap desicision, was she feeling rotten about her body, is she having a quiet patch with her sex drive?

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    SquirtyPanda [sign in to see picture]
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    Communicate. You can't read each other's minds. Of course ask her what's wrong. You have to try!

    Good luck

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    Mr Gentleman gent [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks

    i have, i talk to her compliment her, all the usual and the flirty, nice boobs/bum cheeky what knickers you wearing.

    she's at the stage of reinventing herself, haircut short, looking even better, but no, it;s not enough for her, hates any pics (apparently looks like a hag, according to her)

    i just feel she'd be happy with not having any fun with me or anyone,

    so what should i do about it

    thanks to this site we have had some fun roleplay, dom/sub fun, but it's gone it's as if it was a stage but now there's nothing.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear that.

    But I know its not going to be easy, however both of you need to sit down and talk .

    You need to tell her unhappy you feel and hopefully she will open up as well . I would be tempted to do it over dinner and drinks so as you don't come accross as being on the attack .

    Perhaps when you have had this chat then look us all up again stating what came out of this chat and perhaps we can give you some further guidance or ideas .

    From personal experience do be prepared for a change in direction. Because my wifes sex drive has changed she no longer finds planned sex appealing which of course does include riole plays. she now prefer spontaneous sex for when she is in the mood but this could be anytime of the week .

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    jimbogemini [sign in to see picture]
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    Been there, done that. You really will have to persevere. Talk to her over dinner and say you are not ready to hang up your bits yet. Be patient and tell her how you feel. You obviously haven't fallen out so it's maybe a case of courting her all over again. Good luck.

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    Lilmisshottie [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Mr G,

    Sorry to hear you and your OH are going through this.
    Perhaps keeping the compliments etc but staying away from Sexual related ones, In my experience when I am feeling crappy about myself and my OH tries to make me feel better/desired it can leave me feeling I am nothing more than sex to him (I know this is not the case I am just trying to explain from my side as a female).

    Your feelings are just as valid and real so I think a very open honest conversation with her is needed. It is scary because you might find yourself somewhere you don't want to be however being in a guessing game relationship can only lead to more hurt and confusion.

    Hope you find some resolution with your OH, sometimes taking some time to think honestly about "what do I want?", "Am I still IN LOVE with this person?" "am I happy? ", looking at yourself is a good starting point, going into a conversation knowing your issues and concerns and avoid bringing other factors in that are not relevant (ie the past etc).

    Lilmiss x

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    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    Ask her what is wrong? tell her how you feel. None of us are getting younger and it certainly isn't fair if one craves intimacy and the other doesn't. I personally wouldn't want an end to my sex life. It's not all about sex no but it is part of being in love.

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    Phlip [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mr G

    Sorry to hear this - mid 40s is way too young to be hanging up your boots. And if you're not getting any at home it could make you stray.

    Like others here have said, you need to talk to your OH candidly, find out why she has changed like this. Is it something you're not doing, or something you did. The fact she is reinventing her look - has somebody else said something hurtful? Maybe she is craving more romance rather than just sex.

    You do need to keep calm when talking - maybe over a romantic dinner, or drinks (helps loosen the tongue so be careful), or (if you still do) cuddling in bed or on the sofa.

    Hope you get it resolved.

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    Mr Gentleman gent [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks for the advice everyone, guess i'll be having the chat with her over dinner.

    once again thanks

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Gentleman gent wrote:

    thanks for the advice everyone, guess i'll be having the chat with her over dinner.

    once again thanks

    Thats good but make sure you don't show any signs of frustration or anger . Just listen to what she has to say. It may be something totally unconnected like Philip mentioned above , something someone has said . So just be prepared for the unexpected .

    Good luck .

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    Lilmisshottie [sign in to see picture]
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    Good luck Mr G, you are obviously dedicated to her and to come here to ask for advice says alot about the kind of partner you are, she is a lucky lady.

    Lilmiss x

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    Cheeky_Monkey [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mr GG

    As someone in her late forties, with a female partner, also in her late forties - let me tell you that it's a time in your life that can really play with your head.
    I can't begin to explain the differences in your psyche that your hormone levels start to play. It's pants. It makes your moods completely unpredictable and you can yo-yo between feeling like a hot momma and a frumpy has-been on the flip of a coin.

    Some sound advice given here. One thing I would add - from personal experience - sometimes the talking might not actually come up with any answers - mainly because she may well know how her behaviour is making her/you feel, but she feels powerless to change it - particularly if it *is* hormonal - and if it is, then it can wreak havoc on your libido. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to talk things through though. And I'd second the advice about concentrating on talking about feelings - not necessarily (and probably not at all) direct references to sex, or her appearance (ie complimenting her on her assets) as if she's not feeling sexual, then anything that highlights it or refers back to it may make things worse.

    I'm sorry to hear you're having such a frustrating time. A good perspective to take is to see it, not as having lost what you had, but embarking on a new phase of your relationship - a chance to refocus on the things that brought you together in the first place. Be romantic. Spontaneous (not sex, but small gestures of appreciation). The more you focus on non-sexual aspects of intimacy, the more likely she is to open up and realise that what you have together is super special - and the romance will hopefully lead to sexual intimacy too.
    It might take time though. Good luck.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't know what else I could add, but I'm single and turned 50, I hope there is more to come in life, sex may not be everything but I think it has it's place in a relationship. There was a couple came on here not too long back, who were revieving their love life and they were 70.

    I know you are not alone in this, as I heard a couple I know talking, and she said to him that's me done with wearing sexy underwear, now i'm 40. She was not joking.

    Good luck, with the talk.

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    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    What Cheeky_Monkey says.

    Hormonal issues have played hell with me all my life. How they make me feel physically and emotionally has ruled me and my relationships - from puberty to my now just starting menopause.

    I have done and said things that I know are wrong and very hurtful and destructive but know I haven't been able to stop myself. When OH has tried to help me by putting his arms around me, I've pushed him away even when inside it's all I want. Then I blame him and get angry when he walks away.

    What's worked for me is talking - especially telling him not to walk away no matter how hard I push. And also, sitting myself down and stopping myself from reacting hormonally, telling myself to STOP has helped a LOT.

    Keeping a diary that we can both see helped - sometimes the penny doesn't drop that it's about to be my "bitch" time of the month. I used to mark in red my due PMS dates rather than my periods! It's starting to get difficult now, though, as my periods are all over the place and the rages I'm getting are worse than I've ever had. I'm having to warn OH a lot these days. I'm lucky menopause symptoms get a lot of press or he might be thinking it's just me.

    However, if your wife hasn't had any insight/revelation about how badly her hormones affect her (especially if she doesn'y get the physical symptoms I get), it's going to be a bit difficult to bring into conversation without her getting defensive.

    The classic "I feel"/no blame starts to conversation might be a good start, but you definitely need to pick a time and place for conversations. The "no pressure" advice helps, too. I'd let her burn the costumes if I were you - maybe she feels you're seeing them and not her.

    Have you tried writing a letter saying how much you love her? Don't make it about the sex, make it about your relationship.

    You could also try getting a referral to a psycho-sexual counsellor at a GUM clinic. Go alone first and see if they can help. If you can't see a counsellor, try one of the doctors there. They obviously won't discuss her, but they may be able to make helpful suggestions. If your wife shows concern when you say you've been to see someone, you could take your conversation from there.

    I know it's hard and you feel you're getting to the end, but hang in there.

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    linda2008 [sign in to see picture]
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    Good luck all you can do is chat about looks like you been together for some time..what about a nice weekend away ..from the daily grind of day to day running,...i.m in my 40.s 46 to be infact hubby in 50.s and sometimes with the day to day daily routine we can also loose our spark sex wise so we take it on ourselfs to get away weekend..spend time then on each other i have even been surprised on some occasions where hubby has bought me new outfit or new toys where we can then play out fantises..where we dont have to bother about can kids here us etc as we would if home

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    tear drop [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to heat this old chap
    My better half did exactly the same at 38yrs old

    4 yes later bought more back and still buying
    don't fret it gets better just wait for your next turn

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    Colonel Lube [sign in to see picture]
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    I can only really say keep talking as a solution and hope that things get back to a point where you are both happy.

    My wife and I are early 40's and been together about 20 years. Our sex lives have been through many peaks and troughs during that time. We are not always the best at talking these things through but I have found that a letter helps at times and as someone who take time to formulate his words it is often a more heartfelt way of communicating difficult sentiments

    I was you good luck and hope you both find a way to deal with this situation.

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    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Mr G

    You mention that you compliment her etc, but do you take the time to talk to her about things OTHER than sex? Really talk properly, have debates, and get to know the insides of each others brains? 

    I only say this because I've been in similar scenarios where a guy is always complimenting me or bringing conversations back to sex. This is all fine, but when it's not balanced with decent, proper conversations, it's a major turn off. 

    She may be feeling a bit distant from you for some reason? 

    The key is definitely to ask her what made her decide to throw out the toys and costumes she had. Maybe she's clearing out for new ones? 

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    I will say that no compliment about my tits or bum really resognates with me when there is an emotional distance between the OH and I due to stress or a disagreement.

    I think Jess is spot on here... date nights, connect as a couple, do fun things together not with sex as the end goal and I bet you can get the mojo back,

    She may also be battling depression / hormonal issues that are worth looking into.

    Best wishes.

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