• learning curves in relationships

    1460593818
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    So I've been in a relationship for one month and I feel we're both learning a lot. Me, sexually and obviously about him and such but he's learning what it's like to have a "decent girlfriend". I'm also learning I despise his ex.

    it's like, he's got tummy problems and anxiety so it's quite easy for him to be sick when something happens and he's actually been sick twice so far (and i've been sick once that was my fault though I took one extra anti sickness tablet as i still felt really sick and head still spun 2 hours after the initial tablets and 5 mins later i threw up in his toilet) but I just rubbed and patted his back and held his hand after and told him he'd be ok, he told me he's not used to that, I asked what? he said he's not used to not being shouted at every time he was sick. I was like well if you did something stupid like eat an entire chocolate cake like the ones in the restaraunt we frequently go to (they're like 6 inches deep!) then I wouldn't yell I'd just be like well that's your fault for eating such a big cake.

    Since that incident he's told me he's not used to someone being so kind and supportive, he's not used to someone taking an interest in his passion for gaming, he was sick the second time and told me again how he's not used to someone being so nice to him and not screaming at him (he cant HELP it I'm not going to scream at him especially for something that can't be helped!)

    His anxiety started when he moved to Scotland with the now ex and then he got depression later on but he's fighting and he's doing well and I'm really proud of him.

    I joked to my closest mate asking if i was being a girlfriend wrong and she was like you're not doing it wrong you're in the honeymoon period. relish it! I know it's the honeymoon period but I truly hope I stay like this. I certainly don't want to turn into HER.

    we're both not used to having someone else actually spend money on us but I'm not going to let him spend all his money on me especially as I have a job and he hasn't (He's currently started a programme that will help him back into work for those with depression and anxiety)

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    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel like I can relate to this in the sense that I was with someone who made me feel the same way he did. Just before I gave birth he left for New York (the other side of the world from me). My due date was the 8th but I was a week late. I gave birth on the 16th but he left on the 15th because he thought that his plane would be cancelled if he didn't leave that day (the actual date he was supposed to leave on was the 18th). I told him I didn't want him to go but he never listened to me. Shortly after I gave birth I started talking to someone else due to loneliness (my partner at the time was going to be away for the next two and a half weeks) and so I was alone with a new born and I was barely getting any sleep.

    I decided that was the last straw and after two years of being treated like I was an idiot and a child, having any sort of faith in myself torn apart and being verbally abused (he was supposed to be my dom but he really wasn't any good at it, even though he wouldn't admit that).

    I met the person I'd been talking to three weeks after my daughter was born. He offered to come see me and offered to give me some cuddles because he knew I was down. We talked for hours and he ended up staying the night. Stuff happened but I stopped it due to being uncomfortable about myself so soon after childbirth.

    I kept seeing him after this. He'd compliment me and I'd end up crying for hours simply because I was being treated... nicely. He'd tell me I was beautiful. He did what he said he would do. My ex was seeing his parents dog more than he was seeing me (he saw the dog about three times a week and me about every fortnight) and he was verbally abusive ever since I'd gotten pregnant. It was a complicated situation from the start that he made worse due to his own pride (see, he wouldn't date me because there was an 11 year age gap and he was ashamed of it).

    I chose to break it off with him just before Christmas and ended up staying with the new guy (who I undoubtled had feelings for at this point) and he asked me to be with him. We've now been together for almost four months and I'm still as anxious and insecure and easily upset as I was before but the difference he's trying to help rather than telling me he doesn't know what to do when I'm miserable. He comes around and hugs me all night if I'm down, as opposed to telling me I'm down for stupid reasons and I should just be an adult and suck it up.

    If I could give you some advice on being with someone like the guy you're with now, just give him reassurance that no matter what it is he's feeling, no matter what it is he feels is getting to much, just reassure him that you'll be there for him and be gentle with him. I can tell from your post you probably already know that and I'm so glad he has someone that's good for him. Going from an emotionally (and at times physically) abusive relationship to a really healthy relationship is a hell of a transition for anyone and it takes getting used to - for all the wrong reasons, of course, but it does.

    1460599231
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow I'm glad you have this new guy instead.

    He's the same with me, he made me cry because I messaged him one day saying I've tried to make an effort for you but I will warn you I feel fat and ugly so it's just not happening.

    He cuddled me tight and said "I don't want to hear that you're fat or ugly ever again ok? because honestly you're not you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on" then he kissed my nose and i couldn't hide the tears even though I was buried in his chest he could obviously feel them through his t-shirt so he tilted my head up towards him and he asked why was I crying and when I told him he kissed my forehead then lips.

    Yeah she's hit him a few times too. No one in his life liked her his family his friends no one at all.

    I just can't stand that she'd be like that especially to him he's so kind and amazing.

    1460599972
    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    Back when I was with my ex-Dom no one in his life knew I who I was. I was his dirty little secret for two years, I guess I got fed up but everyone around me hated him for how he made me feel. He was very insensitive and sometimes didn't take no for an answer. He'd slap me and I'd end up crying, then he'd ask me why I was crying as I was being unreasonable.

    The best thing for you both is to talk about how you feel. If you talk to him about your insecurities, simply from what you've said he definitely doesn't see anything wrong with you. Sounds to me like you'll both open up to each other and adjust accordingly to each other without much trouble. Surely sounds like there's definitely promise for the two of you so I hope it goes well.

    Having someone that makes you feel good constantly not only about yourself but about them too is an incredible feeling and it definitely isn't something I take for granted now. I wasn't even allowed to go anywhere with my ex-Dom. He said there was too much of a chance for someone to see us together and people would ask questions. Now me and my OH have a date night every month on our monthly anniversary and we take it in turns to treat the other to dinner and a night in. Doesn't happen often when we have a child around so it's really special and it's all new to me. I'd never even been on a date before I met him.

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    That's horrible of him there's being a Dom but then there's also limits and boundaries. Sounds lovely with your OH now though.

    Yeah we tell each other everything and it's early days but we both want the same things in the future, a future together but we understand its early days but we don't mean immediately but in time he's already said he'd love to move in with me, have kids with me and one day make me more than his girlfriend if I'd like it and I honestly would in time.

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    KittenFeatures [sign in to see picture]
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    Everything takes a bit of time but I'd be a hypocrite if I told you to be patient (like I said, I fooled around with my OH the night I met him :x) but I know what it's like to want so much more when you find something that feels oh, so real. I've never felt so sure about anyone in my life and I know that I want to be with this guy for a very, very long time. He's embraced my daughter as if she's his own, we practically lived together for the last three months (I'm back at my own place now because he's decorating) and it was so surreal but amazing at the same time. Having someone come home from work to me every day was wonderful and new and I can honestly say I want to see him come through the door back home to me every night,

    I wouldn't listen to what people say about timing. Do what you both feel is right. What you two feel is right will usually be what is best for you. Besides, a relationship is between the two of you and no one else's opinions really matter when it comes to what you guys want. :P

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww that's very sweet between you and your OH and yeah we are just waiting til the time is right. I can't move out for at least another year due to my brothers back operation in 2 weeks time as my parents will need help caring for him and helping take care of the others (luckily youngest is 16 so shouldn't be too difficult compare to if they were younger)

    We can't have a baby til we move out because both living a home and in very cramped spaces but if it happened before we got a house the baby and bf would have to live with me or he'd have to stay most nights as there's basically no where for a baby at his

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    Aww that's very sweet between you and your OH and yeah we are just waiting til the time is right. I can't move out for at least another year due to my brothers back operation in 2 weeks time as my parents will need help caring for him and helping take care of the others (luckily youngest is 16 so shouldn't be too difficult compare to if they were younger)

    We can't have a baby til we move out because both living a home and in very cramped spaces but if it happened before we got a house the baby and bf would have to live with me or he'd have to stay most nights as there's basically no where for a baby at his

    Whats this baby talk? By gum your relationship is developing like an express train!

    It sounds like you could have met that special person that you have been looking for. I am guessing you still get the buttereflies everytime you see him which is a sure sign that he could be the one.

    1460637725
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    I still get butterflies just messaging him let alone when i see him lol

    Yeah we have spoken about the future (he surprisingly asked me) and yeah we are excited for it but plan on giving it time

    1460638178
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    I still get butterflies just messaging him let alone when i see him lol

    Yeah we have spoken about the future (he surprisingly asked me) and yeah we are excited for it but plan on giving it time

    Thats sensible as you are still in what is sometimes called the "honeymoon period"

    1460638380
    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah we are I think I'm just hoping I'll stay how I am I'm certainly never going to turn into his ex

    1460640201
    missyO [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty it's great to hear that you are both so supportive of each other, you clearly care about each other so much. Lovely to hear that you still get butterflies. He sounds pretty mature, wanting to plan a future with you. I really hope this lasts and he is the one. x

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    I joked to my closest mate asking if i was being a girlfriend wrong and she was like you're not doing it wrong you're in the honeymoon period. relish it! I know it's the honeymoon period but I truly hope I stay like this. I certainly don't want to turn into HER.

    I don't think you'll change, honestly. The way you handle his anxiety sickness is nothing to do with being in the 'honeymoon period', it's a basic level of empathy that his ex apparently lacked along with the emotional sensitivity you'll have due to having had problems yourself. The honeymoon period usually refers to the initial period of a relationship where everything is new and shiny, you're getting butterflies, you never fall out, you devote the majority of your time to each other etc etc...not anything to do with how you deal with other people on an emotional level. This level of kindness and compassion for others is YOU, not some phase :)

    Think about it this way; if he was just some friend of a friend you knew as an aquaintance and you saw him throw up, would you yell at him for it? No, it's not the normal reaction when someone is sick and that's without even knowing about his anxiety problems. Her reaction was abnormal and cruel, which you clearly aren't. You go beyond the normal level of concern (asking if they're ok) and give him personal care (rubbing his back, reassurance). You'll not turn into someone you're not once the honeymoon phase is over, you'll just find you settle into your relationship more.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    Kirsty92 wrote:

    I joked to my closest mate asking if i was being a girlfriend wrong and she was like you're not doing it wrong you're in the honeymoon period. relish it! I know it's the honeymoon period but I truly hope I stay like this. I certainly don't want to turn into HER.

    I don't think you'll change, honestly. The way you handle his anxiety sickness is nothing to do with being in the 'honeymoon period', it's a basic level of empathy that his ex apparently lacked along with the emotional sensitivity you'll have due to having had problems yourself. The honeymoon period usually refers to the initial period of a relationship where everything is new and shiny, you're getting butterflies, you never fall out, you devote the majority of your time to each other etc etc...not anything to do with how you deal with other people on an emotional level. This level of kindness and compassion for others is YOU, not some phase :)

    Think about it this way; if he was just some friend of a friend you knew as an aquaintance and you saw him throw up, would you yell at him for it? No, it's not the normal reaction when someone is sick and that's without even knowing about his anxiety problems. Her reaction was abnormal and cruel, which you clearly aren't. You go beyond the normal level of concern (asking if they're ok) and give him personal care (rubbing his back, reassurance). You'll not turn into someone you're not once the honeymoon phase is over, you'll just find you settle into your relationship more.

    Agree with all of this. It must be so strange (in a good way of course) for him to get the sympathy and support you're clearly giving...bet he can hardly believe it. As for the butterflies.....I still get them when my oh texts me, gives me a little kiss etc and we've been married 25 years !

    Sounds like the 2 of you have something very special xx

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    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow congratulations kirsty , seems youve foundyour man, and planning the future fast :)

    Pleased to see youve both found kindness in each other

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you everyone got him here with me now and he's spending the night miss him when he's not here and he's told me he kisses me too an you're right it's not the honeymoon phase it's just being a decent human not shouting at him when he's sick

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww kirsty, it's clear you're a caring lass. There's more chance of hell freezing over then you turning into his ex! Its obvious that you're naturally caring and have big empathy which his ex cant possibly of had.
    You're a great lass, and you're clearly good for each other. Aww the best .
    Slinky 💜xx

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww thank you and yeah hoping he's the one he's so wonderful and knows how to handle my low self esteem and anxiety and depression as he's gone through it himself.

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    This weekend I'm getting much needed cuddles in bed with him. Missed him all week despite seeing him daily but the other day he got rushed into hospital, appendicitis he's out now and doing ok. Been helping him as much as I can and visited him at hospital and apparently spoilt him according to him and his mum but that's my job as girlfriend. His mum made a comment though about the ex she never visited him in hospital instead just moaned at him yet there's me being nurse poppins on skates in comparison

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    This weekend I'm getting much needed cuddles in bed with him. Missed him all week despite seeing him daily but the other day he got rushed into hospital, appendicitis he's out now and doing ok. Been helping him as much as I can and visited him at hospital and apparently spoilt him according to him and his mum but that's my job as girlfriend. His mum made a comment though about the ex she never visited him in hospital instead just moaned at him yet there's me being nurse poppins on skates in comparison

    Thats again good. Strange as it may seem the cuddles are far more imporatant than sex. It demonstrates that you care and love this person . As you get older and your relationship matures, cuddles will even become more important as reassurance that everything is ok .

    As you probably begining to realise, sex, whilst enjoyable, isn't everything in a relationship.

    Keep up the good work

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