• Using games as a non-threatening way to improve sex life?

    1460166949
    detailsdove [sign in to see picture]
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    So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about four years now and it's fantastic except we've got rather disparate sex drives. We're both young (in our mid to late 20's), healthy, active and fit so there is no medical issue at play it's just varied interest level.

    As the more sexually inclined partner, I feel like I'm at an impasse because if I try to discuss this he feels pressured and shuts down and if I don't initiate at all then he thinks I'm uninterested. I've assured him this is not the case and have tried to encourage him with sensual, but not necessarily sexual activities (massages, date nights with only silly finger foods and a rule that you can't feed yourself), things I know he likes (thigh highs or lingerie) and discrete signal systems (wearing a special scarf or pair of earrings to let him know that 'hey I'm game if you're game, but no pressure!'). Some of these ideas have worked occasionally but generally haven't been raging successes.

    I've let the issue lie for a few months now and I try to respect this difference between us, as I think it's important that both partners want to have sex and don't consent out of a misplaced sense of obligation. However, as things have cooled down to a once every 4-6 week frequency I'm practically losing my mind. After racking my brain for non-threatening/ non-pressure inducing ways to encourage intimacy I stumbled upon the idea of sex games.

    We both enjoy board games and the occasional card game, so I think sex games might be a good match for us. Plus, if I'm careful and pick the right one that has a bit more of a slow build it might even help to get him in the mood? I don't know. I'm game to try pretty much anything, but don't want to turn him off further by being too pushy.

    I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who has tried sex games in the past. Do you think this could be a good idea? If you have a lower sex drive than your partner do you think the right game could be fun or just another token of pressure? If so, would you recommend anything else? If you think games sound like a good idea, is there one or two in particular that you recommend? I was looking at a good variety including Nookie, Lovehoney frisky fun dice and the little black box of sex as all of these options have a diversity of intensity levels and good replayability (from what I can glean from reviews), but am open to any/all suggestions!

    Thank you in advance for your advice!

    1460191629
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmm This is a tricky one. We are board game lovers and naturally we have a slight competitive edge to each other. We have 2 adult board games Tie and Tease and Monogamy. Both cracking board games. But and it's a big but ,you hit the nail on the head when you said it can be another way of adding pressure. So I am not sure if the board game route would be the right way. For me these type of board games are for couples who really want to explore things further bot BOTH parties need to be willing.

    I think board games are something that you could consider in the future a nd perhaps one called Nookie might be a good first game.

    I think you r problem lies much deeper and needs more than a board game to fix.First of all ,I do think you will have to take the lead and carry on initiating things. If his sex drive is much lower than yours the n he is hardly ever going to take the lead is he? This is something you will have to get used to .

    I am a little old fashioned and a firm believer in seduction. You mentioned you already go on date nights so I am assuming very little happens afterwards..Carry on with date nights and perhaps cook a meal from home if you have your own place and then put some music and dim the lighting and then seduce him. Wear something sexy for him and start kissing him in his delicate areas of which you should know where these are. For example it could be his neck ,ears or even his tummy. Not everyone is the same. When you start kissing him then very slowly undress him and kiss the new exposed areas.

    It might even sound a bit like when you started dating each other and that's the whole idea. I think you need to go back to the basics and start over again taking things slow. You also need to talk to each other about what you both want out of the relationship. Start looking at the Lovehoney site together including the lingerie section . There could be a n outfit on there he would like to see you in. Perhaps then also look at the boardg games together and check out the reviews. The keyword is together .

    To conclude try and go back to the basics first and build on from there.

    Good luck and welcome to the forums .

    1460202844
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I was in my first real relationship, when my girl friend said I think you take me for granted in the bedroom so we aren't going to have sex for a few months. I said I didn't think I did, and asked her to explain more, and that if she wanted to stop sex for now that I would go along with her on that.

    Then she said, she had said it to see how I would react, that I wasn't taking her for granted; but I hadn't reacted how she expected. I was so upset I started to cry, so she started to try and seduce me into sex, which made me cry even harder. I told her to leave me alone that I didn't want her that way at that time. But she wouldn't stop, and in the end I just lay back and let her have her way.

    After that I didn't want her that way any more, but she kept trying to seduce me each time she wanted sex, and I just let her get on with it. I loved her so much that I couldn't walk away.

    I'm not saying that this happened to your boy friend in a past relationship, only that being pushed so hard made me shut down compleatly.

    Think hard before trying to seduce him into sex. For me If my ex had sat down and talked to me and got us back on the same page, then things would have been ok.

    To my mind you need to talk to him, and find a way past what is making not want to talk to you, softly with love. You need to find out why things have slipped back, what is on his mind; not find a way to tempt him into having sex. You are right when you said sex shouldn't be done out of obligation.

    There is some problem that needs to be fixed, or at least brought into the open; even if it is simply that sex is not something he wants much of. only then can you go forwards.

     Good luck. you can always come back here if you still need help and have found out more from him

    1460228875
    detailsdove [sign in to see picture]
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    You both offer excellent insights! Perhaps I am jumping the gun here and need to go back to the starting block and really 'date' again.

    I think our situation is a bit unusual because we only really dated in the traditional sense (periodically meeting each other in person, but living in separate abodes) for a few months. We met while I was studying abroad, so we had this very intense period of dating and then long distance for a year and then, when I hit my boiling point with time-differences and endlessly counting down the months until we could afford the next plane ticket, I hopped on a plane and we've been living together in a tiny 24 sqm studio ever since. Now of course that scenario has had it's road bumps with visas and language barriers, professional certifications that didn't transfer and needed to be re-taken, etc. So, it's easy to see how dating fell by the wayside and slowly our partnership migrated into more of a roommate routine.

    As for bringing this up in a conversation-- I have and that's when the shut-down happened in the first place. But, one thing that did surface from that discussion was that he said that it’s always been this way for him since he was a teenager, sometimes he wants sex multiple times a week and other times he’s not interested for a month or more. So, I tried to be understanding about this and explain that while I get that you have your ups and downs, physical intimacy is really important to me and that can be anything from sex to dancing to a backrub to showering together or just being playful when doing household chores. I guess I just hoped that maybe a game could introduce different types of intimacy and maybe he finds one that works for him (it doesn’t have to be full-on sex). But, maybe this is placing a bit too much faith in the potential of a game.

    Perhaps a good way to approach this would be a combination of your ideas! I think I’ll mention that I am planning a special night for us and want his help picking out something to wear (that’s non-threatening right?) Then I’ll let him choose two or three outfits and then order one of those (so which one I buy is still a surprise, but I know all options are a go) and then we’ll have a date night! I can even ask him to meet me in the city after work so we’ve come from different places and it’s more like a ‘date’ date! When I get my outfit I’ll also buy Nookie to have as an ace up my sleeve if things naturally move in that direction, otherwise I'll just play it by feel. What do you think? Would this be a good ‘reset’ for you?

    Thank you for all of your valuable insights in your previous posts. I really appriciate it!

    1460236449
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I do think he could, and should engage with you more on a physical intamacy level, even if it's as you say only a masssage or such. Try to make him understand there is more to being phsically intimate than just sex.

    Personally I would try to find other ways to satisfy my partner if she had a higher libido than me, I often can't manage it, for other reasons, but would still love to give oral or use a strap on, or other toy with her.

    I can't know the full ins and outs of your relationship, but you are working on it, for which there is something to be said. It does take two though, and communication is key. The shut down in communication he goes through, suggests to me that he has something running through his mind that he is scared to share; but thats just my feeling from what you have said.

    Starting again with dating sounds like a good way to get things flowing more naturally again.

    I'm a cross dressing bi-sexual, with a very feminine personallity, but most people don't see that in me, because I don't want them to; but I am always fearful of letting some one new in on the real me, for fear of running them off. To say nothing of prefering to be pegged, to giving sex, to a woman. And just not getting on with guys, it's purely a physical thing with them for me. So it's always women I have to have the talk with.

    How do you start to tell someone that. But it's something I have to do; I would go crazy keeping the secret, but thats me.

    Not that I'm suggesting, that's in anyway your guys problem, just that sometimes we meet someone and theres a part of us that we are scared to share, for fear of loosing that person, and it can be something and nothing to the other person. But we don't know until they do.

    1460418610
    detailsdove [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how tricky that subject is to work into a conversation! Good on you though for staying true to yourself and sharing that with your partner :)

    I suppose I'll just have to see how this goes over and then try and take a step back and realistically evaluate where we are and if we're growing apart or just going through a rough patch. Fingers crossed for the latter, but at some point I suppose I will have to be honest with myself and consider the possibility of the prior. Gah, emotional involvement always muddies up the waters!

    1460420637
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    detailsdove wrote:

    Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how tricky that subject is to work into a conversation! Good on you though for staying true to yourself and sharing that with your partner :)

    I suppose I'll just have to see how this goes over and then try and take a step back and realistically evaluate where we are and if we're growing apart or just going through a rough patch. Fingers crossed for the latter, but at some point I suppose I will have to be honest with myself and consider the possibility of the prior. Gah, emotional involvement always muddies up the waters!

    Why do you think you are growing apart ? Only you will know that this guy is right for you and you right for him My own relationship was stagnant a few years ago and then we had a talk. We sort of back dated our relationship and started going on date nights and dressed up for each other. I was still overweight though at the time but since then dropped down 4 trouser sizes . Now she can't keep her hands off me .

    Just keep on talking to each other and do things that you did when you first started dating. I am quite sure it will kick start everything as it did with us. And we'll be celebrating our 20th wedding aniversary this coming Wednesday. But could have easily gone the other way if we hadn't done anything about it.

    Good luck x

    1460456691
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    detailsdove wrote:

    I suppose I'll just have to see how this goes over and then try and take a step back and realistically evaluate where we are and if we're growing apart or just going through a rough patch. Fingers crossed for the latter, but at some point I suppose I will have to be honest with myself and consider the possibility of the prior. Gah, emotional involvement always muddies up the waters!

    Relationships are hard work, you both have to work at it. You sound a little alone in this, involve him, I keep saying this but communication is key, let him know that this is important to you. Let him know what your expectations of a relationship are. Tell him shuting you out, doesn't make things go away.

    Please don't bin a relationship because things are not too good at the moment, you have things planned to bring some excitement into your relationship. I know as a woman it doesn't feel great having to carry a relationship; guys expect to have to plan dates, most of the time, it's their job so to speak. For a woman it takes the shine off things, makes you feel like it's one more thing you have to do, when you already do so much.

    As for emotional involvement, it may complicate things; but when it works it's the most wonderous thing in the world, and so worth the effort. So don't feel too vexed over it.

    Don't give up without a fight sweety, you sound like a great woman, I just hope he realises that.

    Hugs from one woman to another. x

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