• Overcoming performance issues

    1467428668
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Is someone awake?

    1467429813
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2683
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    Yay mee! I'm always awake you know that hunni 😩 are you ok? 💟xx

    1467430834
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I'm just feeling a bit weird and asking myself big questions.

    As usual when it's been a while since I last had sex I am starting to fear intimacy.

    Earlier I was cleaning something off the floor so I was bent over and my boyfriend just came behind me and put his hands on me. He know that I hate when he does that because I feel used (as when he randomly grabs my butt) and he always does it anyway. He always says that it's love and I've always been mad at him for not respecting the fact that I don't feel loved at all when he does that. Sure when he does he always has a sweet attitude and soft voice like if thinking of me in a sexual way (because for me it's what happens in such situations) made him want to cuddle me and give me some love.

    The thing is I started thinking and what if the "it's just love" thing doesn't simply means that he want to cuddle and share love but instead means that he instantly want to be sexual but that it still "is love" because he says he sees sex as a showing of love.. Plus I am starting to ask myself if I want to be with someone who can't respect and understand me when I say that I don't like something being done to me. I love him but do I really want to live my life next to someone who can't love me the way I need to be loved instead of the way he sees it? I've already started thinking that I would be better with someone who is more queer and feminist so that person can be understanding of my issues.

    I really feel like I need to be loved in a way that takes consideration of my mental healt and where I am right now in my healing process but instead of this my boyfriend just acts like if nothing had happened and as if everything was "normal" in hopes that I just "learn what a normal relationship is like" and stop feeling as I do (with fear and sadness and everything). This is not his saying, only my understanding of what I know and how he makes me feel.

    I don't even want to talk about it with him because I've already done it and I feel like it's not going to change anything :( It never does anyway. Since I'm back home with him I just feel pressured even though he says and does nothing in order to make me feel that way. I just don't know where it somes from but I don't like to feel pressured in my own relation ship and wonder if it's because of the situation we're in right now and if that can be changed or if it's simply going to be that way forever because of who we are.

    1467434113
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2683
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    Aww hunni I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way 😔

    I also get the same thing where when it's been awhile since we last had sex I start to go off the idea altogether. I absolutely worship the ground my hubby walks on and fancy the pants off him it's just sometimes I go through dry patches where I've no interest in sex. Hubby gets afraid it's because I don't fancy him anymore but that couldn't be further from the truth!

    I understand where you're coming from with your boyfriend coming up behind you and putting his hands in you when uouve told him not to do it as you dont like it. He should totally respect your boundaries on that one. I know hubby does the same thing when he wants sex. So I assume you're feeling lilke your boyfriend wants to show you love by having sex wheras you're not wanting it. Just a nice cuddle would be better right?

    You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you the way you need to be loved, as does everyone.

    If you're already thinking that you would be better off with someone more feminist that could understand your issues than it sounds like you feel the relationship with your boyfriend is over already. You wouldn't be having these thoughts id it was true love, trust me i have true love and couldn't dream of imagining finishing with hubby and getting into another relationship. Infact the thought of not having him in my life doesn't bear thinking about.

    Can I ask how long have you had doubts about your relationship?

    I'm not done yet, going to post this as I didn't notice your reply straight away and then complete my post to you hunni 💟xx

    1467435348
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2683
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    As for your boyfriend not understanding your mental health that's a big problem 😕 he has seen what you've been going through and youve explained to him about all the mental health stuff so he DEFINITELY should understand your mental health and support you no end.
    As for your boyfriend ignoring the issues hoping you'll learn what a normal relationships like, that's just ludicrous. Lots of people have successful relationships when they have mental health issues (just look at me and hubby,) we could write a book on mental illnesses!

    You deserve tobe happy with someone wonderful who's going to treat you right and understand your mental health issues, that's a fact 😙

    It's horrible and insulting when people don't understand mental health! They think we can pull ourselves out of it and it's no big deal. Well if only we could pull ourselves out of it we'd do it in a heartbeat but, life's not that simple.

    Would it be an option to take a break from the relationship? because I think that you need time to yourself for awhile to work on your recovery. And you could write down everything in a letter that you feel to him and give it to him as sometimes seeing it in black and white instead of face to face helps alot. I always write letters to get through to people, as whdn its on paper 9 times out of 10 the people take it on board. It would be better to wrote a letter as nothing ever changes when you try talk with your boyfriend.

    Hope I've covered everything, let me know if I've missed ought and I'll rectify it. I have tired eyes 😩 but won't be going to sleep as I can't miss the chemist in a few hours! Maybe I'll get to sleep around 11am for awhile (hopefully! )

    Sending hugs hunni 💟xx

    1467435376
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I don't know. I hope it's only because of our situation and things not going as we would like. I don't know if it's about him or the situation. There's been times when thoughts about us not being together anymore crossed my minds and it made me so sad. Here again, tears are fulling my eyes while I am typing this. He's been the right guy for me for so long I just can't bring myself into thinking he's not anymore. It's never been easy because of my issues and we've always said that we could go through anything together and will. Maybe we are putting in less effort since we live together as now we're used to being together and all that. I don't know. As I said I just can't tell if we are not meant to be together or if we are but all that is caused by the present situation.

    For me the relation is worth everything and we both are willing to make it worth because we've always beleieved in our relationship's potential (even though everything else is great).

    I started having such ideas when I started to progress a bit more in my . So it started around the time this thread started. Since then I have had such toughts in patches, but it's always linked to my issues so I don't know if the problem is the relationship or the actual sexual issues and what I am going through. Maybe we were meant to be together so I could realise there was a problem with my sexuality and go through that process but he isn't the one which whom I'll finally have it all sorted? Or maybe we're just too deep in this together so we will never be able to get out of it and finally be sexually happy together and free of any problems

    Since we live together we don't have time together. We only do our things by ourselves and I feel that doesn't help either.

    1467435978
    Snowy71 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 58
    • Joined: 2 May 2012

    Hi I am

    1467447263
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2683
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    So sorry for the delay, your post didn't show up for awhile. I just checked back in to see if you'd replied and saw that you replies almost instantly. Sorry I wasn't here when you were crying. It makes me sad knowing you're so upset having a tough time not knowing where your relationship stands. I've got faith that you'll figure it out and whatever the outcome it'll be the right one, and you will have a happy relationship whether it's with your current boyfriend or another.

    Another thing that'd be worth doing is have a chat and plan doing some nice stuff together like date-nights, romantic meals out together (sex doesn't have to be on the menu.) Basically make time for eachother, cook a meal together, go for romantic strolls, have nice cuddles etc.

    Maybe you and your boyfriend's started to neglect the awesome relationship you have always had together before you got your place together? Or on the other hand maybe living together is a step to get, I'm really sad to say. Living together can make or break a relationship. How long have you been living with your boyfriend?

    That's a tough one, you could just be having these thoughts because of your sexual issues. I wish I could figure it out for you.

    I'd still write him a letter explaining how sad you are and explain about your issues and anything else that you want to get off your chest.

    Sending big hugs and lots of positive vibes hunni 💟xx

    1467456497
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I'm so sorry things have taken a bit of a bad turn for you, Slinky has said eveything I could have said. Guys do tend to see sexual desire and love as the same thing, and think of arousal, as being sex.

    It does kind of sound as if he is thinking that you have been better, so he can go back to how he sees a relationship with a woman. write your feelings down for him, as Slinky has said.

    Have you given him the chance to show you that it's not going to turn into sex? I don't know how you two go about initiating sex, whether you want the control of always being the one to do this, or if you like him to. But you need to be super clear with him how this works for you, or he is going to get confused.

    Guys who are with a woman with a lower sex drive usually just accept that sexual rejection is parr for the course, and think of it as showing that they still find their partner attractive. It doesn't help that some women re-enforce this behavior in men, by saying hey don't you fancy me anymore, you don't try to get into my pants as often as you used to. Then the next woman he is with is different, so confusion occurs; women are too complex for them.

    Guys need lots more sign posts as to what to do with any particular woman, so try to explain this to him in your letter. It's more formal, and so carries more weight, he will realise that if you have taken the time to write it, it is very serious.

    I was so hopeful for you two, you seemed to have got it sorted, at least you said he was lovely, but I get it that it's just imposible to define a relationship to someone else on here. I hope you get through to him, and things settle. You do need to do more together, to show that there is more to you both than just living together, and sex.

    Tell him to show you love as physical "affection" (hugs and cuddles) when "you" need it, not when he's feeling physically attracted to you, and to not show it as some sort of ruting behavior, which comming up behind you when you are bent over clearly is.

    Good luck hunni. xxx

    1467461905
    N&Mc [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 203
    • Joined: 12 Dec 2014

    Concur with what Alicia and Slinky have said. I know that you don't want to talk to him about it but it's the only way to really resolve the doubts you have about your relationship.
    We hit a similar rut in our relationship, but we both felt much better after discussing it. We both found we had areas to work on. Although we live together because of work commitments we weren't spending as much time as we'd like doing couple things. We now try to dedicate at least one night a week to doing something like; cinema, a meal, a walk, shopping etc.
    However if you think it is for the best take a step back. Move out for a week and see how you feel, assess the big picture. And ultimately if you think in the end he's not really compatible for your needs gently end it. I am sure you will find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved. X

    1467482377
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Thank you all guys.

    Here's how it happened yesterday.

    When i read slinky's post I just couldn't hole back the tears in my eyes so I started crying. I went to see him so I could cry in his arms and share this with him. I did. He understood my doubts and it made him sad too, but it had him thinking. We then came to the same conclusion that we've always come too, that it was possible and that we could make it together. We went back on the main focus being that we love each other and that it's worth making a little effort so that our relation can be better, to suit the other better and make he/him happier.

    We have a strong and mature relationship indeed. Alicia what you know about it is still right and pretty much sums up how it it. Overall, he is good for me, but when I start to look closely I find some aspects that are missing, but he is willing to developpe them for me which is perfect. For exemple he is trying to understand me better, or so open up more to feminist issues, etc. On my side I am willing to try not to tranfer my sadness into anger and just go straight to him expressing my feeling instead of keeping them for myself and hiding them and ending up irritated by every little things or afraid of every possible contamination.

    About the "taking my from behind" thing, we still didn't agree on it as he says "you see sexual desire as a negative thing, which it isn't". I explained him how I dissociate love and sexual desire as desire isn't exlusive to me, it doesn't take me in consideration at all and is just a desire of pleasure, and if I happen to be there when the desire strikes then I am just an object of desire, which can be used to attain the goal. He doesn't see it that way att all so maybe we are just using the wrong words or have different personal definition to those words. He understands what I am saying but doesn't think it is applicable to him and the situation. He always said that since he loved me when he experienced desire, a big part of it was about pleasing me, but for me it just can't be that way. Anyways, I know that when he is doing what he did, is isn't done in order to get to a sexual encunter. I still don't like it though so insisted on how impoortant it is to me. He doesn't understand where the line lays between this, that I don,t like him doing, and showing me desire and giving me some affection, that I already told him I would like him to do. We didn't get to an agreement on that one, but I think he is closer now to understand where the line is drawn because of his reaction (of missunderstanding) when I told him that when I am in that position, if he wants to show me affection, I'd rather have him do it buy the front and just come and kiss me, petting my hair or something, rather than "hugging" me from the back. Maybe he still doesn't understand but at least now he know what I'd like him to do instead and I am confident he will keep this in mind, and I think that his confusion when I exmplained that may lead him to finally understand sometimes.

    The problem is my boyfriend isn't really aware of his emotions and tends to rationnalise everything ( just like I used to do). That being said, he is really bad at understanding mental healt issues and showing empathy. Having spent almost four years with him, (and we've been living together for almost a year btw) I have learned to understand him better, and I just came to the conclusion that we often have similar way of thinking but with very different ways of expressing them (and different ways of getting to those thoughts too). So I tend not to question his motivations as I know he loves me and is a good guy, and that in the end we are more alike than what we think.

    After we talked, as we both needed to shower, we went in the showerd together. I wasn't feeling pressured or that it would turn up to be sexual so I was ok with going with him but I felt like I needed and wanted us to just gently cuddle and rediscover each other without anything sexual. That led me into realising that it was what I needed in our relationship. We went to bed after that and we just cuudled. I told him that I wanted us to rebuild intimacy starting from 0, without jumping any step or going to fast, just going at our own pace and taking things slow, taking the time it takes to rediscover ourselves and learn how to give love to each other. I am sure doing that will make everything else just magically be ok, as we will learn to be intimate together and not be afraid to give/receive love to the other. We cuddled and kissed and it made us both really happy. It had been a long time since we both just chilled in bed before sleep, touching each other in non sexual ways, looking at each other's eyes and just smiling as hapiness flows through us. I could tell that he too was feeling really good and that it was what had been missing in our relationship. And the strange thing with us (more with him because he kindda works that way without knowing it himself) is that when everything is good, things are goood, but when things aren't going well, things aren't going well. I don't know if you understand but it's kindda like if things are doing good, it's easy to have the motivation to have them being that way again and making some efforts isn't even efforts but just comes naturally. If we keep doing what we did yesterday (and how we still are feeling this morning) we are simply going to keep things going well and everything will sort itself out.

    We also find that it would be a good thing to do things together, as I am on summer break now we have plenty of time to do so, the only problem is that we both are a bit lazy and we never get up bed before 12 and just take our time for breakfast and everything so often just end up staying at home haha. But at least at home we can to things together too, like cooking (even if he doesn't like having me in the kitchen because my cooking skills are aewfull haha) of watching a movie of etc.

    1467486891
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I don't belive I feel sexual desire anymore, not sure I ever have. ex is something I have to choose to do, even when it's solo play. And it's almost too easy to to just stop, I play solo more to stop myself becoming asexual, than for any other reason. I don't get horny and want to go chasing someone for sex, again I never have.

    I think sex and sexual desire is part of love, and works like that for many, but when you have been taken by force, or used, you feel objectified, and not a person. If you were bent over the only way he could "hug" you is literally to press him self up against you, like standing doggy position. Have you told him that from behind clothed or not, his intentions become irrelevant, when you are bent over like that with his groin pressed against you it feels like a sexual act.

    Sure many women may like that, with in the confines of a safe and stable relationship.but you are not one of those women, I'm glad you now understand what you want from him and have communicated that to him. He will have to learn to not use that kind of "affection" with you, and to wait until you are not in what could be described as a vulnerable postion. And to show affection that comes purly from the heart.

    Ask him this, does he have any close female friends that he will give a hug of support to, ask him how he thinks they would react if he hugged them from behind when they were bent over. A think the penny my drop.

    I think may women feel that love is a seperate thing to sexual desire, I don't think you have dissociated them, from each other, just become more cognisant of the distinction. I believe it is more of a choice that you associate them, when you feel safe to do so. certain behaviours always makes women pull the two wide apart.

    Try asking him to explore how he "feels" when he thinks something. ( I feel rather than think, and maybe thats why I get over emotional about certain things, but thats not the issue here) rather than to explain away his emotions with some counter balancing rationale.

    Maybe it's time to make time for each other out of the bed( as in not having a layin) use that time to do something, or to talk, or talk and walk at the same time. Freezing Canadian weather not withstanding.

    I understand the when is good it's easy--- when it bad it's hard, thing, Thats when putting in the effort can sometimes yeld a fight, or going quiet on one another, because you have had a fight or you just can't get though to one another. When things are good between you both, take a little time and write out a contract, to guide yourselves when you are having a bad patch. A sort of mutual reality check, to get you pulling together, not apart.

    You are doing great hunni, you will get there, your friends and your adoptive mum are here. So proud of you sweetie. XXX

    1467488174
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Thanks Alicia :)

    What you are describing is something that he already knows I don't want and I think he is able to respect that. The position I was is not this one though. I was kneeled on the floor and bent over. He didn't even get down at my level he just bent and touched me. I can see why he does not associate it with what we've already talked about, but if he would understand how I feel rather than just keep notes of what he "is allowed" to do and what he is not, he would understand. I try sometimes to have him feel his emotions or be conscious of them (at least), but I should definitely do it more. When he is closer to them it will only be better for him as well as for us, and it will be better for me too as he will be able to understand my feelings better and where I come from.

    He is not the kind of guy who gives hugs to his friends (neither am I) so he wouldn't understand the comparison.

    Making time for each other is our goal. It will start by what I said earlier with building up the intimacy and I am sure it will continue to make things easier and allow us to spend more time together.

    I'd still want him to understand why I feel this way and that it's not just me being irrationnal or whatever. We'll keep working on that and maybe one day he'll get me, and when he does I will feel so much closer to him and so much willing to share things (nicluding love) with him).

    Thanks for being there for me and for being proud. It is true that I've come a long way. I'm slowly getting there.

    Also, I though it'd be a good thing to agree (we did) on having sex (and being intimate together) only to share love and without caring about performance and pleasure and orgasms. We can have that on our own (espacially when I'll receive my doxy hehehehehe) so the main goal of us doing things together should only be about love.

    1467491799
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Men do tend to think and not feel, so I get that about him needing a list of what not to do, instead of understanding the feeling behind it, and extrapolating for every eventuallity. Same with facial expressions they need telling what a look means and then have to remember it for next time, instead of 'feeling" the emotion directly in the expression.

    I am so glad you have let go of the orgasms goal thing, and I hope too the men have more and easier pleasure thing, because it's not true. I hope for you both that it just starts to become orgasmic on it's own.

    And so having sex and being intimate, for love only, is a choice, and one you have both made together. Proud of you both for that too.

    You have been there for me too, never forget that, I never will. Look at me now, thats you, I feel so much more alive, so much more like I am what I should be. Maybe not out in the world but where it matters to me.

    Maybe one day I will get to tell you of my lover, hope she likes using a strapon on me, I need to get settled in a job first though, and be stronger with nasty people, I wish you could teach me that, but I feel it's one of those things you have to learn to do on your own.

    Vibrations dont seem to do it for me, at least the mains wand I have, I just go numb with it. I have jusy got the TC g spot vibe free when I stocked up on lube, so I'm going to see how that feels, as it vibrates not just at the tip but, on the shaft where it just enters me, as well.

    I hope we stay in touch for life.

    1467506747
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    We just talked again about the desire vs love thing. He says he understands how I think and that if he thought the same way about the distinction about the distinction between love and desire he would want the same thing I say I want ( in other words, again it's just a case of saying the same thing but using different words).

    I don't know why but it just brought me down. I just don't why.

    And I started thinking maybe my head has me thinking all the time that sex isn't worth it and that it's always bad to protect me, so I don't want to have some again. Just the opposite of how it's supposed to be. Maybe it brings me down becaus emy mind plays tricks on me

    1467519815
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2683
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    I've only just noticed there latest posts. I'm exhausted (next to no sleep in a week 😣) im afraid i couldn't form a constructive reply right now so I'll come back later, as I don't want to give bad advice or write half heartedly, it's do not my style.

    However I will say this, it sounds like things are moving in a much more positive direction with the exception of a few things. I believe that you and your boyfriend can get through this difficult time.

    Sending big hugs and positive vibes hunni 😘💟xx

    1467550760
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    You sound like you are back to trying to rationalising your feelings, second guessing your minds motives for making you feel down, and not wanting sex. You have been through something terrible, it's only to be expected that you will wonder if it's worth trying again. Do you feel like he didn't say what you were hoping he would say, that you don't feel like you made a proper conection with him on this issue.

    Is it that he has said he doesn't feel like you, just that he understands; so now you feel like you are back where you started with him on this. And feel the gap between you.

    You still sound unsure, if you are safe in this relationship, in terms of how sex is between you. When ever something is not quite right between you; you seem to doubt yourself. And your instinct is to go back to that place in your head where your memories of the things that happened with your ex are held, and you go into self preservation mode.

    But you are with your new bf now, I know you feel he lacks some emotional awareness, is this how your ex was with you; emotionally cold, as well as abusive. Is this making you go back there in your mind. I wish we could sit down and talk properly, it's so hard to get a full picture this way, sorry if I'm on the wrong track here, just trying to explore so possibilities.

    Love is worth it, and just love can be fine, but sex is part of a relationship, or there would be an end to the spiecies. Sex is not good or bad, it's how you perceive it to be; so yes your mind is playing tricks on you, because you are feeling a little unsure of your bf, and that he isn't compleatly on the same page as you.

    To me this issue at this very moment, is comming from his words "if I thought like you" meaning he doesn't and he's still talking thoughts, not feelings. But he says he understands, and as long as he acts like he does then you will be fine. Just tell your mind thankyou for trying to protect me, but I''m fine with this now.

    Don't pull away from your bf, you got things going you seemed happy about you sex for love pact, so trust yourself and your bf, theres no need to second guess yourself. Just be mindful of your tendancy to go into this self protective mode.

    I hope this helps and I'm going no where(just be aware that my laptops battery is very poorly, and so old that I cannot buy a replacement, andI have no wage comming in to replace such a high value item, as a mac laptop, at this time, I will still have my phone but it will be difficult for me to write something like this.)

    1467572800
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Thank you slinky, that's nice of you

    and A4E you fund it while you were looking for the cause. It's the fact that he doesn't agree with me. There is two sides of it that both affect me:

    1- I feel that I need him to 100% the same as me. If we say we base it on love, then I gotta be sure it's totally love and that there is nothing other in it. I trust him but I need him to agree with me on a sensitive subject like that. Plus I don't like the idea of him feeling desire for me. I know for him it's not the same thing and it is never purely sexual but I don't want to be an object of desire, even if it's with his definition. What I need right now is to be 100% an object of love, I want him to feel love for me and I want that love to motivate his actions toward be. I want love to be what makes him want to caress me, kiss me, etc, not desire.

    2- I feel odd for not experiencing desire. I know it is normal in my situation but I feel sad about the fact that sex isn't satisfying for me to the point where I crave it, with or without love involved. A part of me also feels sad that he oes while I don't. Also, while we talked, he said something like " In a normal situation, I would ..." and I had to remind him that there is no such thing as normal and that this is our normal. Even thought I reminded him, I can't help but fel that something is wrong with me.

    At least, my goal has changed now. It is no longer to feel pleasure during sex (and as much as a guy would...), it is to feel great and in security when I'm in a sexual or intimate situation.

    To answer your question, my ex was very emotionnal. In fact he was a very unstable person and he cried quite a lot. That's part of how he was manipulating me, he wasn't happy and I wanted to help him and ended up caught up in that dangerous dynamic. He was abusive to me without even knowing it, because he was still a baby and was used to have everything he wanted now, and would throw a fit if he didn't. He was also very impulsive and often got into fights. First I was fighting against his bad attitute but I soon just began to try to avoid making him mad so I just did what he wanted because it was easier to live with him that way..

    Right now with my bf we aren't having sex. We also are trying to stay close to each other since the last talk we had, and I'm not allowing myself to put a wall between us again. I feel things are getting a bit better in our relationship, and I find rebuilding my security into intimacy will be very helpful. Again I am realising how I was lacking affection and closeness from him because I've not wanted anything sexual with him for a while and for the last two days we cuddled before goind to bed (without anything sexual) and I could feel a little turned on. I need that security and to be feeling I'm being taken care of. I sens that if we build our intimacy and sexual life on top of this then it's gling to be there (as it is right now without sex) and things are just gonna be as I need them to be.

    1467584552
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Your number 1 point I thought that I was right on that one, it hit me straight away, if it made me feel like that it had to make you feel it too. You are both young, but men don't really understand love at that age, it's a complex emotion, and young men I'm sad to say are driven by whats in their pants, and some never grow up. It's true it's an evolutionary thing, but I think humanity has come far enough to start overiding those ancient biological drives.

    Desire is a wanting to have, or possess something, to crave it based on appetites. So this strong hunger for a woman, is mistaken for "love" as there is that instinct to protect, and a strong fear of loosing that which he "possesses" right there in that word is the flaw in reasoning. Loving has nothing to do with possessing someone; that leads to obsession, the need to control, and fighting to protect property.

    So far off the truth, but yet men go there, thinking it to be love. Try showing him this definition, to see if he is capable of understanding the destinction. And the definition of love according to me.

    Love is the willingness to put the other first, in all things, and to expect the same in return. To want the best for that person, even if it means setting them free. And to recognise those needs in the other. To protect that person in mind and body, no matter what. To support the other in all things, and always have their back, before all others. To share all that you are, and see virtue even in their faults. To show empathy, compassion, and understanding, and to recognise in yourself all things that go against your common good. To be willing to listen to a reasoned point of view, and be open to change your opinions, based on such reasoning. To willingly compromise, yet to know when something is important enough to stand and speak up, and to recognise when the other is at this point. To never cross the others boundaries, and respect them, in all things. To never close yourself off from communication, or hide your thoughts or feelings.

    Thats just some of what I feel defines love between two people.

    Number 2/ Don't feel odd for not feeling desire; you don't have to crave sex to enjoy it, I have told you sex is something I choose to do, because I like to be touched by someone who cares how I feel. I haven't been able to say I desire it, crave is just another synonym for desire. It doesn't make me want to do it again, I " choose" to because I want to have the experience again.

    I don't see anything wrong in that, and one day the right person will get me to the point where I do feel sexual desire, or they won't, but it will not stop me from choosing to have sex, for me, and for them. Ok so I do sometimes reach orgasm, but i'm fine if I don't, my FWB had more of a problem with me not having an orgasm than me, for me the time spent in skin on skin contact, and feeling cared for ( I wish I could say loved, but thats for a future relationship) is just wonderful. Gentle touches, or getting a good spanking, or giving it, kisses, well I just float off into another world on a good kiss. It's what you make of it, what you are willing to let it be.

    I have told you before to draw every kiss every touch every moment of intamacy, into yourself like food, taste it savour it, smell it, enjoy it's texture. Do you only eat and enjoy foods you crave, are those foods you crave the only ones to make you feel satisfied. Please try to make the best meal of the ingreadients you have and enjoy it. Enjoy the journey, and one day you will find yourself some where different. You have to give yourself time to un-learn what you learnt to do to protect yourself, before you can learn to be different in that.

    Give yourself a chance, you need to just enjoy being with each other, physically, and emotionally, choose it Mamz, because you want it, not because you feel it should make you want it. That will come in time, if and when you are ready, only you can let it in. There is no rush.

    Some where recently you said you felt a little turned on by your intamacy with your BF, keep a little book of love, and write in it when you feel such things, to remind you that things are changing, when ever you feel they are not, you can read it back. It's going to be a long journey, smell the roses along the way, and don't look so far ahead, be in the here and now with each other, at all times.

    It's so strange, you have the bits of your personality that I really need to have, and I have the bits of mine that you really need.

    Always, Alicia. xx

    1467586100
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Reading your post just makes me understand even more why I felt down. In fact it's a mix of the two reasons I mentioned earlier.

    But first I need to correct you on your definitions. I totally agree with those, but I have to clarify that my bofriend really is mature in love (way more than a lot of men his age). He couldn't agree more with your definition of love, especially with this: " willingness to put the other first". Some aspect of your definition are missing in his way of loving me, and those complementary with my way of loving him (I am lacking the aspects he has and he is lacking those I have, but we both are conscious of it and willing to work on it).

    What is different in his thinking is that he has a definition of desire that may be similar to mine if no love is implied, but he says since he loves me, it can't be that. He says when he loves someone, that desire isn't a selfish desire at all and could never be. How he sees it (I think) is just like your definition of love, but applied to sex: wanting to put the other before one's self and expecting the same from the other, satisfying the other person's needs, wanting to understand the other better in order to be a better person for them, etc. I am sure you can understand that, don't you?

    Now, the problem is I am ready and willing to share intimacy with him, and I am positive about it and confident it will be great and lead to great things. The problem is when he makes that distinction between desire and love, and tells me I need to stop seeing desire as a bad thing, I feel like he is not ready for that. He says he is, but I feel what he wants is more like "normal sex" and going through that "building intimacy together" thing to finally get to have great penetrative sex, only I don't even want to get there, I just want to savour those moments, and I want them to be about love not about sex, even is sex includes loving each other. I feel like keeping him from something he wants. He says that he wants the same as I do but I don,t feel it, I don't think he understands that it's not about fixing things in order to come to the point of enjoying having sex anymore, it's about enjoying the moment now, and that does not necessarily includes the need to have "normal sex". Even though I tell him I don't feel like he really gets it (because of this desire thing I guess).

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.