• Overcoming performance issues

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Why is it bad to want an orgasm? I know that wanting one prevents me from having one but How am I supposed to be ok with the fact that I can't orgasm at all?

    I feel like I am slowlly starting to see sex as an act of love and I start to feel it too but I still can't orgasm even though it's really good. Why should I be ok with that if my partner doesn,t have that problem and can easily orgasm? if it was equal and we both didn't, I wouldn't mind not having one, but knowing that I am not able to achieve it makes me feel like it's not worth it.

    1462123548
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think it is bad to want an orgasm. It is a big part of the sex and personally I don't feel satisfied if I don't have an orgasm. I also think it is not fair that men can come so easily while some women have to struggle a lot to be able to have an orgasm.

    I can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation and it just makes me so jealous knowing that some women can come from vaginal or anal stimulation. It does not feel fair.

    1462123663
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel the same. I'm jealous of men also but try not to think about it because it affects me too much and only makes things worse

    1462124430
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm here Mamz, I just wish I could help. Thanks for letting me blow off some steam over not feeling loved.

    1462129106
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel so hopeless that I start thinking "well there is nothing I can do, it'll never change. At least we love each other so let's focus on that". It's like giving up. The thing is I see a difference after that. I feel more love between each other, I feel more turned on and his touch feels better. I start to feel close to him and to feel like I am the one stopping myself from enjoying sex. This then makes me feel like it's possible for me to feel pleasure, but I still don't orgasm. This gets me so frustrated and so hopeless. Even when I feel better while having sex and feel more pleasure this aspect is still missing. I just can't resign myself to never have orgasms with my partner. It's even more frustrating thinking about the fact that I could before and that now that I sometimes feel better and less pressured when we have sex I am not able en orgasm. What's wrong with me? I just don't know how I could get out of this situation.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel like you think ,it will never happen so it doesn't, and not trying to orgasm, is giving up. I don't think it is; think of it as comming at the problm from a different angle.

    I do think you should try to stop thinking about orgasms; I know it's frustrating when you don't get to have an orgasm, and yes you ssould have them, but you know in your heart it's you that holds the key. I feel like you are holding on too tight.

    If you feel that focusing on love, is making you feel more turned on, that it makes his touch feel better, then run with this. Follow this path, and don't doubt where it's taking you, it feels the right way to me. You are still so young, you have time, and the right man in your life; give yourself a chance to let go of the past.

    Let the love between you both, be the focus for now, and I don't mean for a week or two. You could orgasm before, so it's how things are changing in your mind. In the back of your mind, when you feel the love growing between you both, you are thinking that this is it now forever; if I let go and do this, then this is all I will ever have. THAT IS NOT TRUE.

    It's just a journey, to a new place in your life; but you have to walk the path, and stay on it, there is no short cut.

    My problem is that others just want to use me for sex, and not to love me. Whats wrong with me? I can't change them, I don't have any control over others. My career has gone, and no one wants to give me a job, so I'm not much of a prospect for a partner. And on top of that I'm well turned 50. But I have not given up, I do feel like it some days, but I haven't. What I wouldn't give to have a woman in my arms who truely loves me. At this point I would give up on sex, forever; just to have that.

    1462136537
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You may be right.

    I wish we could agree to no orgasms for now, then we could focus on love and only that, but I don't want to impose him that.

    I should appreciate the fact that I can orgasm alone and share love with someone, but instead I am feeling like there is something missing, like it's not enough. I'd kill for him to give me an orgasm, I wanna feel this feeling so bad.

    Your post (espacially the lst paragraph) is eye opening. Since reading it I'm left with kind of an empty feeling. Not empty as I usually am, but empty of problems. Right now I don't even wanna have sex, I just feel like hugging and cuddling the guy I love, without any other wight on our shoulders. Things have gotten so complicated and I made them like that. I hate myself right now for bringing those issues between us and screwing our relationship this way.

    Thanks.

    and sorry for you as always.

    hugs

    1462142845
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Please don't hate yourself, the issues were already there from your past relationship, they are bound to come out; the important thing to remember is that you made yourself this way, for one reason, to protect your mind from what was happening to you. You had no choice. You told me that you just let go and just let happen to your body what happened, think for how long did you program your mind to think this way; 3 whole years.

    I don't say aviod sex, with your new OH, I say make love, whether thats a massage, or toys, or oral, or sex. If your OH can orgasm let him, don't feel jealous. just love having him in you, let yourself feel everything, and love the intamacy. Bath your mind in thoses feelings, forget orgasms exist; one day they will just come out off the blue, because your mind and body has let go of your past.

    It maybe 6 months or a year, but one day you will be free, you mind will be full of love and inamacy.

    I will tell you now that what a man feels is often like an urge to cum, and then he goes at it like crazy and 3 minutes later, there is a surge like going to the toilet when you are busting to go pee. Then its alover. Men can learn to get more from it but many don't.

    If it takes you an hour to orgasm, once you get there, to having yours, then enjoy the long slow build, and the powerful body shaking climax, trust me it's better than a 3 minute quicky; though I suppose they can have their place too.

    Have you ever tried Anal sex, could that be a way for you to orgasm, especially if you never did it with the other guy who hurt you. Just a thought, but it can take a while to learn to orgasm anally. That is one aspect of sex I know very well.

    If you want to help me then, find a way out of this, and I will cry with joy for you; a bit girly of me, but I am girly.

    Big hugs ( I wish my French was as good as your English, I would love to be able to speak French. Je pu une pu,

    1462146925
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    For me, slow built orgasms feel like I haven't been enjoying myself but I simply had an orgasm there's been stimulation for a while (and It's only feeling good when having it). I prefer when it's quick because it means I am very turned on and everything feels so great from the start. That's also a part of why I think sex is better for guys.

    I also don't think I could forget about the existence of orgasms if my partner keeps having them, and has them while I'm left unsatisfied. It's only frustrating and that would only reenforce my thoughts of inequality and that I am used for sex and get nothing in return.

    I haven't tried anal sex but I've played with anal toys a few times. I mostly enjoy it when I am alone. I've had an orgasm the first time I tried a toy and it felt great. Only, It doesn't feel as good when I'm with my partner because I tend to tense up (the same way than vaginally). I don't really like the idea of having anal sex because I know my partner is really turned on by it (it's his fantasy) and it's him who introduced the idea for me. I would feel like he is the one that's having the most pleasure from it and would think even more that it's easy for him to be turned on and to be pleased or to have his fantasies realised and that all that takes no efforts and are simply normal when none of that applies for me.

    Your made me smile by saying that your gonna cry of joy with me and that you're girly, and then you made me laugh with your french :P that sentense doesn't even make sense haha

    1462164043
    mf77 [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't know if this will help but I will just chuck it out there and see if it does. My wife rarely cums from penetration only. She said as much pretty early on in our relationship. Her orgasms really only come from clitoral stimulation only as the internal parts of her vagina itself seems to be not that sensitive. We proved as much the other day when using her rabbit together and I asked her whether she wanted the rotation part on for a change. She replied she hadn't noticed that we haven't used it recently. A lot of our sex play revolves round hands, tongues and toys etc as it is much easier to target each others "spots" that way. If we are going to have "typical sex" then it needs a long warm up period of maybe 45 mins or so for her to be able to cum from it. My revelation came from accepting that orgasm was not always the be all and end all of a sexual relationship and sometimes when it's not working just being able to look at each other and laugh about it. Enjoy yourself without putting targets on things and the whole thing is more fun, otherwise you will put strain on your relationship.

    1462165145
    mf77 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm gonna add another thing to my last post, pegging. It does not give either of us orgasms directly all that often but the intimacy of the act and the intencity of it have added to our understanding of each other. I have a better understanding of what feels good internally, i.e. what to do with my dick and the importance of warming things up first, as failure to do this has painful consiquences. I would highly recomend bringing this into a relationship as I feel it can give you both a good change of perspective on sex, plus it can feel pretty good too!!!

    1462166470
    mf77 [sign in to see picture]
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    mf77 wrote:

    I'm gonna add another thing to my last post, pegging. It does not give either of us orgasms directly all that often but the intimacy of the act and the intencity of it have added to our understanding of each other. I have a better understanding of what feels good internally, i.e. what to do with my dick and the importance of warming things up first, as failure to do this has painful consiquences. I would highly recomend bringing this into a relationship as I feel it can give you both a good change of perspective on sex, plus it can feel pretty good too!!!

    I forgot the point of the post. The internal orgasms you can experience from being pegged are 100% more intence and after describing them to Mrs F, are very similar to what a woman experiences i.e. a fully body thing. These take work and build up and don't happen if your mind is not in the right place and according to Mrs F its the same for her. The shoe is now very much on the other foot and I am jealous, lol, that she gets this experience every time she cums, where as a "normal" male orgasm is very cock-focused. So, the point being is that it is not as straightforward as you say and that depending on what you do to us us guys can need just as much time and effort as you girls if we want a similar experience.
    1462237118
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks mf77, you're bringing in a very interesting perspective.

    The only thing that I don't agree is when you tell me about your wife not having orgasms. I can't really say it's fine because you are not the one struggling to have one. How doy ou feel knowing your wife has to live with that?

    Thanks for your help

    1462241092
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    I really feel for you mamz. I myself have been in a similar spot to you. I struggled to orgasm maybe 8 years into our relationship, I can count on my thumb how many I had through penetration. It brought me down, stressed me out then I completely lost interest in sex. Our 4 times weekly turned into once a month. I didn't see the point, he may as well have been shoving his finger up my nose for all the pleasure I felt from it. He was determined to make me cum everytime but I would often fake it just so I could get to sleep. I felt awful for it but everything that used to work just didn't. The only thing was clitoral stimulation but it felt like he'd have his fun and I was just an after thought. However now, over the past year we have finally got past it.

    A lot was due to my depression I think and my fear of talking sex with him. I never asked him what he actually wanted, so we bought sex toys to use with each other only and set certain days where we have intimate time. It may seem weird to some people that we have certain days and no masturbation but its the only thing we can do to stop me losing interest again. Its hard work but its the best fun we have had in the bedroom. For the first time in over a decade we are honest with our wants and desires, its actually been an eye opening experience.

    I would tell you not to stress but I know how hard it can be. I really hope you can find something to help you. I'm sorry I don't have much to offer.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks RosyCheek. It helps to know that some people have been in the same situation and have gone through it. I am glad you did.

    We are already talking a lot about it and trying to get things better but I feel like it just doesn't help us because of the pressure it puts on our shoulders.

    I am starting to think maybe antidepressants could be the only way out of this, but they scare me because the most commun and safest ones can cause anorgasmia. Did you take some and did it have that effect on you?

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    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been taking Citalopram, a form of serotonin, now for quite a while but as you say one of the more common (less than 1 in 10) end up with difficulty reaching orgasm. I was fortunate and it didn't affect me in that way, I did mention to my Dr I was concerned about it and she was super. She told me if it did cause problems she would reassess the medication as it is an important part of life. Usually side effects take 6 weeks to settle down. I had the jitters quite badly but within a few weeks they were gone.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been taking citalopram for 3 months now. the first month was hell and I felt like stopping them immediately, the doctor did tell me this would happen. However, I've now got used to them and I feel so much better.....about everything really. I havent noticed any side effects as such, except that I seem to need less sleep which is a good thing as before going on them I was sleeping for 10 hours straight every night and would still wake up feeling drained. Now I only seem to sleep for around 7 hours and I feel on top of the world when I wake up. Our sex life has definitely improved too....I can relax so much easier.

    They've definitely taken away the anxiety I was feeling...I'm so much calmer now and the things that used to make me worry so much dont really seem to matter any more, definitely worth a shot I'd say xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you both!

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    mf77 [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    Thanks mf77, you're bringing in a very interesting perspective.

    The only thing that I don't agree is when you tell me about your wife not having orgasms. I can't really say it's fine because you are not the one struggling to have one. How doy ou feel knowing your wife has to live with that?

    Thanks for your help

    Of course I feel bad for her, who wouldn't? It is an unenvyable situtation to be in. I can sort of understand what it is like as quite a few years ago I ended up on antidepressants and would "bang away" for ages without actually reaching a climax. I found that whilst they took the edge off the bad times they also took the edge off the good times, leaving my feelings occupying a kind of limbo middle ground, not just sexuallly but generally. Not much fun really!
    1462322357
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    And how are you now? How did things got sorted out? did you stop taking them?

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