• Overcoming performance issues

    1459308261
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You are very insiteful, it did, shine a very bright light into my desire to be female, but don't be sorry, far from it ; It was a beautiful thing to read, and so well written I could feel the passion in your words, how much you like all the different sensations brought together in that one act of love. Made me feel jealous, yes, but so worth it. And it showed me that you have in you that which you so desire; the love you two have is so precious, take good care of it, it's holding together even though this, so it's strong.

    The bondage thing is good , but as I said earlier don't through away other things just because they didn't work the first time round. Sometimes when I am trying to solve a problem I just put it down and leave it alone for a while, because I feel the frustration coming into the frame. Then when I come back to it I feel like somethings changed in my head, even though I have not been thinking about the problem, I think it's like your mind gets cramp, and it need time to get used to the idea of something with out you trying to force it to.

    First thing, don't ever leave the other tied up even fo a minute, if you stat to choke on your own saliva and can't turn over to cough you could choke, and thats just one thing that could go wrong. So untie. Try the blindfold on it's own if you have never used it before, as being blind fold and tied up at the same time could feel clostrophobic, same with being tied up if you have never do it before.

    Choose a safe word that you would never use during sex, like your favourite fruit. but I would leave coersive sex for much latter, (thats when the person restrained stars saying no, and stop, don't touch me, etc. It can be a very hard thing for you OH to hear you say such things and carry on, even though you have agreed thats what will happen. My first asked for this, and then wanted it all the time, I know that this is behind some of my problems, not being able to even get hard often, my mind is screaming she doesn't want this, when I try to have sex, so I can't, I have been working on this with Miss FWB but she has stopped coming to see me.

    Put on what turns you on, for now; it will give you the feeling that this is for you, ask him to wear things for you that you find sexy on him, to turn things round on the guy feels good for a woman, level the field, us girls deserve it, we don't have to be doing for them, any more than they do for us. I feel like thats a big part of things with you; your first experiences were not the way they should have been, your man seems to know this, so share. take turns to be in charge, to be the one who initiates sex, if you can do this together you will do good, so many women don't feel right doing this, but I am sure it is what you need to do to prove to your self that you are not made to be there for someone else, only when YOU choose to give your self in this way because the man deserves it. So many good guys pray that their OH will take control some times, 50\50 is my ideal in everything, it's called a partnership, and it shouldn't be all one way, each couple need to find where they feel the balance is for them.

    Does he struggle to know what to do for you ? then teach him, women often try to get guys to teach them something as part of flirting, stroking his ego.

    When he knows you well in this way it should flow better, but guys who are not full of male ego,are the easiest to teach, (so many think they don't need a woman to tell them what to do, and to get a woman pregnant, instinct is enough; but they are so many many years out of date) This is why women can be reluctant to try and teach, experience tells them they will only get shouted at, and this goes right though some relationships. This male, I'm a man, I can do it attitude, well there are a growing number of men out there who would love to be taught.

    Then again there are women out there who think that if he doesn't know then he ain't a real man.

    Start with body kissing, tease each others sweet spots, trail your warm panties over him. anything you can think of to introduce different sensations, touch, warm ,cold, tastes, smells, the restained one lets you know how you are doing by moaning, and gasping, for good; tut, or hum, for not so good. It's the not being able to see whats happening, and not being able to respond, to so much as give you, or him a playful slap on the bum, that will drive your senses wild.

    A sort of hide and seek/hotter colder game. Try one blindfold one tied, you tell him higher lower, left right, put some toys on the floor or furniture, and give him directions to go find one and come back and use it one you. this will get him used to letting you lead, make him stop thinking about what next. I hope it gets you both laughing, thats when you are more likely to let go. just focus on all the different things you can feel.

    Get used to talking to each other during sex, I love your bum, the arch of your back drives me wild, this is, or that so pretty. That way you are using all your senses at once, or dipriving one, sight, is the usual one, hearing deprivation by ear plugs, is one not mentioned but call feel really strange in a good way, all you have is touch left, and smell of course, but you can't block someone nose up, so not safe.

    Try this for starters, you could fashion some ankle restraints from a strip or two of fabric, until you buy some, LH just had a free under bed restraint kit on free with a 20 pound purchase, guess you missed it.

    Come back here anytime for more.

    1459313060
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow that is amazing. I red this with a big smile on my face.

    First, what I wrote on the other thread is not that beautiful, it's poorly written, in a bad english and with a lot of typos and mistakes (I wish I'd be bilingual). The thing that is beautiful about it is that you felt love and passion in it. Maybe it is beautiful too that such a sexual act can bring this inside me, but it does in you too :)

    I like your way of solving your problems. That's what I recently learned to do (bonus, if you never think of the problem aain, then it was irrelevent) but I just can't apply it on sexuality, even though i've tried. Maybe trying new things will help me put some other aside without thinking about them for a while, we'll see.

    I have been tied up once before, but it was kind of boring. I didn't feel restrained at all (maybe because of the fact that we used clothes to tie me up and that they were stretchy) and I even wanted him to take way more control over me. I guess we are gonna have to use clothes again to make a blindfold, but for ankle restrains, we do have bondage tape so we can probably make something out of it. Anyways, we are probably going to go with only the wrists the first time.

    Even if the safeword is more usefull in more advanced bondage, I am sure that having one now will be a positive thing. As I am just learning to say no, it can be hard sometime to say stop, I find that this word has a heavy meaning, saying chiouaoua though is really easy. Plus, having a safe word makes it ok to say no, so no feeling of guilt afterwards.

    I love the idea of him dressing up for me and acting my turns on. I love the idea of deciding that I can give myself to a man who diserves it. You saying it makes me view sex in a better way. I know he'd love me to take control, and I know I can (but it's more of a "I'll take what I want and need", than a "watch out fo the good time i'm gonna give you") but i'm still not there yet. My mood isn't good enough to want this right now, but it'll sure be a part of our future.

    He does know what to do for me, what are my turn ons and how to please me (at least with oral). The only problem is that he doesn't do it naturally, and when he thinks too much about it, it just doesn't work. I am not afraid to tell him what I want and like (after he insisted on me doing so, I am getting more and more used to it). I tend to do it more before or after sex than while it happens. I like the idea of having one blindfolded and one tied up for that, I could then have no other choice than guide him all the way. My bf doesn't have a big ego, and he wants me to teach him, but I'd like him to be more confident and dominant and strong, but using it all to please me and take care of me. I don't know if you know what I mean.

    I'd also love if we talked to each other more during sex. I find it a huge turn on if he lets me know how excited he is and how much he wants me and what he wants to do to me (still to please me of course). We have tried it but it never woks. Both of us are very bad at it and never know what to say. It always just ends up like "i want to eat you so bad" "Then why don't you do it ;)" "uh, yeah, I don't know.." and both of us being just like "yeah.. that was bad".

    I love all the possibilities that it offers and all your great advices and plays. It's a good way too to concentrate on something else if one thing doesn't work.

    I saw the underbed restrains offer but wasn't interested. I was more interested when there was one with a FSOG bondage kit and last's week DOTW with the FSOG over the door cuffs. Now i'm looking to by some door restrains when we have a little bit of experimentation done.

    Thanks for all those great tips! It makes me feel empowered (which is what i've been after for a while)

    1459317072
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Try just compliments, your p**** is so beatiful, the shape of your ****** makes may heart beat so fast, I feel faint just looking into your beautiful eyes, the feel of your face against my****** gives me buttterflys in my tummy. listen to me gasp when your lips brush over my *******.

    You get the Idea, you are not saying you want to do X or Y to each other, those words and others like them tap into emotion, and that feeling you get from a honest heart felt compliment.

    You can tweek them to make them more sexual, like , the look in your eyes when I touch you ****** makes me feel your love for me, so deep inside, etc.

    The confidence will come as he learns, swapping rolls to force him to be dominant, will help; the main thing is you love him as he is now; so just think how he is going to make you feel when he gets what you want from him, and becomes dominant and confident, or submissive, with a confident air to him, at will. You are a rare woman, many would just say he's not for me ,hes too feminine. You sem willing to work with him.

    Good guys see how badly other men treat women, and say to themselves I don't want to treat my partner that way, but the confidence falls away bacause no one seems to be able to expain to them how to be confident, without ending up being the arse hole they don't want to be.

    And most good guys what their woman to take the half share they deserve, but most women like to feel that rush from having a guy be strong and confident, and protective, because thats how evolution has programed them to choose a mate. Things are tippng towards women being balanced with men in society, it's just that choosing a mate is still very much an instinctive act for many women, and we guys are struggling to adjust to the new status quo, trying to be strong confident and dominent, yet sensitive to the rights of women, to be open and sharing emotionally in private, and protective and strong infront of others.

    Some guys get it straight off others don't, I have only just figured it out; you stand a chance of making your OH be that man, but it sounds like you are going to have to push him there. what gives me hope is that there are women out there who are will to teach; you are one !!!!!

    Maybe he needs to come on here and I will try to help, others may help too. Or just try and see if what I have just told you seems to fit with how he feels, if he will open up to you.

    1459360571
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah those compliments are a bit romantic in my opinion and I have a tendency to dissociate romance and sex. I know that's a problem too.

    When we strated dating, he had that attitude that I like and that turns me on, but he slowly lost his confidence because of the situation and because of the fact that we try to overthink it to try to make it better. It's not natural anymore and it doesn't work so of course his confidence isn't there anymore :( But I like the fact that he thinks about me and wants to make sure everything is ok even if that stops spontaneity and lowers his confidence.

    I am looking to find a way to get him back like he was, but I don,t know if it's possible right now because of the situation. If we weren't in a situation in which we feel insecure about what is going to happen and in which we have almost no interest anymore, maybe things would be better but I don't know how we could get out of the situation.

    1459366485
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    yes you are over thinking things, he doesn't want to hurt you by being too dominant, when you don't feel like sex; he's running aground, with no steering. not nowing what is best for you.

    All I can think of is for you to stop thinking your self back into the problem, you take your head round the block trying think your way out only to find you have come full circle. You have to stop taking the same logical route, and step off the path into new ground.

    Only you can do this, and it won't be easy, just give him some slack and try to let him take it up, don't let him feel you holding back. Let go, and let it happen, you need to go with the flow too.

    Saying i don't feel it so whats the point isn't going to get you both out of this, you have to bite the bullet, you say it isn't painful any more so keep trying even if you don't feel like it's worth the effort; it is !!! it's just going to take quite some time, but YOU have to let it happen. I don't like to say this, but you are going to find he just can't take it anymore, if you don't let go of this mind set.

    You can do this. Try to reconect sex and romance, you have seperated them to protect your self from your past, but thats gone now, look forward, you don't need that protection any more. If you need to go raunchy then go that way, but go some where.

    talk to him tell him you want him back the way he was, but he has to know you are willing to do this, that you need to do this, then let him be that way; all he wants is to make you happy, you have to want this too. If you wish he would throw you on the bed and ravish you, tell him to, or what ever it is you do want from him. How can he be confident if what ever he does is not what you want.

    I'm being tough on you again, but I don't know how else to help you, from here.

    Hugs lots of them.

    1459373883

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    mamz, I have not forgotten about my promise to come back and try and help you some more. I've been reading this thread and am super happy that alone4ever is here to help you, his tough love is spot on! I've just been super busy these days, but I now have found a way. If you have time, I hope I'll catch you on here tomorrow.

    1459379068
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worry, we will try and keep trying.

    We are probably won't gonna be doing anything up to 2 or 3 weeks but after that we'll try (I'm saying that but i'll probably end up procrstinating and it may lead to sexy time), so advices are still welcomed and will always be because we are never gonna be perfect.

    1459380765
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone4ever, I just wanted to share something. I eas listening to some random music, and that song that eas playing caught my attention because I had the feeling it was like what you are telling me. Listen to it id you like (it gets better after 30s don't worry) or look up for the lyrics: the song is control by alexisonfire

    1459459445

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    Well, I have been advocating all over this forum lately about how good I think the Tie & Tease board game is to introduce bondage play taking the pressure off. Could this be an idea for you two?

    1459469803
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes it could! We have never played any sex games so this would be a lot of firsts time. But I feel confident in trying without a game too, i'm not scared, i'm even a little excited about the idea. The game would be a little bonus. I saw people on the forum saying how they liked the game monogamy and I saw some talking about tie and tease too but I wasn't sure if the comments about that one were positive or negative.

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    Well, I very strongly advocate for Tie & Tease, and against Monogamy. The latter was a bore, with lots of non logically sequenced tasks, lots of drinking and kissing... It is also very-very vanilla. Tie and Tease on the othe hand will surely make you try new things, in a very fun way. It is our favourite board game, and we have lots. It is also the one that has opened the doors to bondage for us. :)

    1461000366
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey guys, I just wanted to get you informed about how we are doing with all this.

    First, we finally tried tying me up and it went better than expected! I was expecting him to be unconfident and all, and he was at the biginning but when he saw how much I was enjoying it he became more and more confident and exploring. The only downside is that again, once he got close enough, he started focussing on giving me an orgasm. We started with the idea that we would give it a shot only with touching with no need to go further, but as we got more and more aroused we things just went there by themselves. I even found myself begging for him to make love to me, and he loved it and took control even more by acting like he was the one to decide whether or not I diserved to get penetrated. I had an orgasm, but not during penetration because he had to withdraw while I was so close that I just orgasmed while he was out. It was great and left us both in a mood for sex for the following days.

    So the next day, we were cuddling and playfully touching each other with no intention to have sex or to orgasm at all, and so, I had an amazing orgasm in less than 5 minutes. I am happy because it really does mean to me that I can orgasm as quickly as a guy can and that I usually don't because we are focussing too much on it.

    Also, things are starting to move a little with therapy. Things are slowly being sorted out. I even talked to my ex this weekend, telling him how I am still traumatised of the relationship and what I did that I still didn't forgive, and he took it all very nicely and all. It really is a weight lifted off my shoulders. It felt good too to know that I am not the only one that's been hurt in this relationship.

    1461012020
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the update mamz.

    It sounds like things are going well and you have had some fun trying new things together. Glad you enjoyed getting tied up and your boyfriend got into it too :)

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so glad for you both Mamz, it's cheered me up to know things are on the mend for you.

    It was very brave of you to confront your ex, glad that worked out too.

    Thanks for the up date, it's nice to hear.

    1461512356
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so news again for those interested:

    Yesterday we talked about it again (we do often). I explained him why it is important to me that I feel as an equal and that I don,t feel like I'm cutting from my own pleasure to give to the other and don't simply enjoy what feels good and stop caring about the rest.

    He told me why he thinks it's possible for a girl to have more pleasure making love (even without any clit stimulation) because he used to give 2 or 3 orgasms to his ex before he came and he says that after the first 5 or 10 minutes things start feeling numb and it doesn't do much for him and it's all for the girl. This makes me feel more equal but I can't help but wondering if his ex has been faking or if her clit is closer to her vagina than mine or whatever, all in all if this is possible for me too. I am also wondering if it's really like he says it is or it's it's simply that because he is used to more pleasure he just thinks it's like that while I would find it pleasurable if I was feeling the same.

    This brings me some questionning but it also makes me feel a bit better about this unequality thing. It makes me feel like I have a caring and loving partner and that I can trust that I'm never being used because I can maybe feel as much pleasure has he does.

    He also insisted a lot about how for him the feeling of his penis is not important while making love. What is is the feeling we share, and how he gives me pleasure and how I react on each of his mouvements or to what he gives me, he sees it like a connection and that's what feels good for him. I'm still wondering if it's really like that or if it's simply because he feels so much pleasure that he just doesn't need to focus on it.

    So things are still not sorted out but I feel like it's gotten a bit better.

    1461520056

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    Thanks for the updates mamz, I'm so happy things are getting better for you! It also sounds like you really do have a gem as a boyfriend. :)

    1461520847
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I do :)

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    mamz, are you around here right now?

    1461524597
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    What do you mean? If i'm on the forum at the moment? Is everything ok?

    1461525218

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    Sorry, I left. Yes, I meant the forum. Everything is fine, I would just like to catch you "live" here for a chat. :)

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