• Overcoming performance issues

    1474335209
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz darling your ex put those chains on you, you were and are not resposible for what happened to you. Don't you think I feel bad, and angry with myself for letting it go on 32 years, you have put an end to it after just 3. be proud of that. You had no choice but to let it happen, you were so young and you gave your heart to a monster just like I did.

    Don't cry my darling, except to let these thoughts go. It's not all your fault, non of it is, not even the fact that you found it so hard to take them off. Yes thoses chains are made of your thoughts, but you were made to have those thoughts, you didn't choose to put them on.

    Please belive me Mamz, you had them off, you are just scared. I wish I could do more, but I can't from here. You can and will have every thing you want to have, say it for me out loud, sweetie. If you love me, you must belive me, I wouldn't lie to you; all you want and need is right there for you, right now, please take it.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I told you wasn't harsh on me, don't blame yourself for hurting me, when all you have done is love me, and try to help me.

    1474335723
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    as weird as it is, I feel like it's not a situation I can get out of. Even by changing my thoughts. I know I was thinking differently only yesterday

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz, listen sweetie, weres your bf, are you alone : i'm very worried and concerned, I just read your other post saying you needed help now. Please talk to me. You can get out of this situation this kind of snap back is common when endinf therapy, just hold on and try to get a hold on your thoughts, I'm here for you. Stay on this thread so I can find you.

    1474336428
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worry, I am not in a dangerous situation or anything.

    I've ended crying and now I'm just feeling emptiness.

    My bf is right beside me, but he's playing video games and he didn't even realise how bad I was feeling. I did not want to go to him because I don't feel like we're intimate enough to share those feelings with him. Or maybe I'm trying to protect myself from god knows what again? I don't know.

    Right now I am listening to one of my favorite funny shows so I can try to think of something else.

    1474338027
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You still have me worried, don't go on that thread again please, it's devistating for you to see all that pain coming out of people here, there is such pain and sadness hiding beneath the surface. it will do people good to let out such things, where there no where else, and no one else to say it to.

    You should have gone back to carry on with your therapy, but it's your call, I can't say much, I ended up hating mine, for the way I was treated with contempt.

    It make me sad to hear you say you can't talk to your bf, because you don't feel intimate enough with him. Maybe you should try to talk more, with him. I may be wrong but from what you say , you are scared to take that last step with him, because then you would have to put yourself in the position of loving him so deeply; that scares you, because you know in your heart somewhere that it was the strength of your love for your ex, that gave him that power over you. And you are feeling, I believe without conciously being awear of it that this last step you were starting to take with your bf, is tantermount to putting those chains on again for a different man; your bf.

    But he is not the same man, and you are not the same woman, you know what to look for and how to say no. And your bf is not going to treat you that way just because your love has deepened. I told you before that i sense in you that capacity to love very deeply, and yor fear of letting your self feel that way again. Trust in yourself, that you are stronger now, and ready to love deeply again, and have found a goog man to do that with.

    That emptiness you feel right now is you hardening your heart, to stop you falling ,what you see as too deep to feel in control. But you will be able to control that love, by tempering it with the knowleage you gained in your past relationship. Don't let your fears stop you from trurly falling in love again. You love your bf, but you won't let yourself fall any deeper; but until you trust again you won't be able to have such a love again; only emptiness. I know this, and you know I do; it;s my path the one I walked for 32 years.

    1474338985
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You are right. I am afraid of putting myself in the same situation again. But what's the difference? I mean, I didn't notice anything was wrong when I was there, it took me way too long. How can I trust I would be able to notice now if my bf was abusing me? (I know he wouldn't, but you,re right, I feel like I can't really gamble on this). Maybe I'm afraid of loving deeply cause he has made the feeling of love dirty. I honestly don't know what it is, but something scares me to a high point. I think I would let it happen again if I was in the same situation, and that scares me. I am in a sane relationship now and can't even let go, it's like I can't make the difference between what's healthy and what's toxic, why should I trust myself on that then?

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You do know whats healthy and whats toxic. Thats not the issue, you don't trust yourself any more, you feel you let it happen once why would you be able to stop it happening again. You wouldn't let it happen again, I didn't; the woman I was with 7 years ago, wanted to use me, I gave her the chance to prove me wrong, but she proved me right, and so I ended it; I trusted that I had learned a very hard and painful lesson, but lesson learned it was, and no doubt about it. You will have the same skills to see what is happening in your new relationship.

    The fact that you are scared to try now, tells me you are watching yourself too much, instead of trusting that you know know the difference. It's you, you need to trust; There is no gamble to take on your bf, you have known him for 3 years, there is no gamble to take on your judgement. It's sound, you know your mind; trust yourself Mamz, love yourself too, you have done nothing wrong.

    Please belive me. I hope you are not feeling quite so desperatley lost and empty now; take a step back and look at where your thoughts have been trying to take you this day, and see that you were right earlier when you were feeling good and full of hope, That was the right path, not this side road to no where but dispare.

    I'm going to have to say good night sister, I'm ready to lay down even if I don't get to sleep. Take care, and try to trust yourself, it's quite safe to do so.

    1474340572
    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    *Alicia4Ever, off topic and butting in here, but just wanted to let you know I LOVE that hair

    Shadow Out.

    1474345756
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I know you're sleeping, but I wanted to get you informed when you come back tomorrow.

    I've talked to my med friends, and they are awesome. They understood right away that I was not feeling good, and they offered help and hears. One of them said:

    - what is the most important thing to you right now, what do you think should be the first think you have to change? (as I was talking about how I,ve done so many things and how so many things are going wrong and how it is complicated)

    - I don't know, my first answer at the moment would be "not be afraid to be intimate and feel safe with my bf" but just the though of it brings me anxiety

    - great, so now that's your goal. set small goals till you've reach that point, and when you are, then set another goal and get there smaller goals after smaller goals.

    I find that inspiring and easier to perceive than when looking at the mountain I'm always looking at.

    1474350940
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz I feel overwhelmed sometimes and I do find when you can write a big goal either lots of sub or mini goals aka baby steps it helps a lot.

    Glad you talked to someone :)

    1474358220
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz & Alicia, I'm sending you both lots of hugs and positive thoughts. Love your new avi Alicia xx

    1474418603
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Shadow, and Scorpius.

    Mamz, I'm glad you spoke to your friends, and they were able to help you think things out. Perhaps a smaller step still would be to learn to trust that you will be able to see the position you are in within your relationship, and that you can see that everything is good with your bf. It's in you, you felt it, try to let what you felt back in. If you trust your judgment and awarness of what went wrong with your ex, you will be fine. I think you are closer to the top of that mountain than you realize. From what you said, you were there ready to take those last couple of steps; as I said I think you just got scared with what if's.

    Thats about as far as I can get to being able to smile, honestly I can't make my mouth turn up into a full smile, the muscles in my face just won't do that for some reason.

    You are right I do think I'm not valid as a woman some times, but I'm know that my mind doesn't work like any mans I have ever met; what comes out of their mouths just doesn't match with whats in my head. Particullay when it comes to relatonships, women, being honest and open, and they just can't seem to grasp emotions. I once said to a guy I'm emotionally exausted, and he said "whats that mean" when I tried to explain he just said well how can what you are thinking about make you exhausted; I gave up trying to explain.

    I think that I feel it's women who will not see me as real, or valid as you put it, and it's that which hurts; but I'm feeling hurt even though it's never happened yet, and even though I have had the opposite reation from all the women on here, and from my FWB. But I was just a fantacy ride for her, the much older guy, which was the reason for us to start with, the guy who let her pegg him, who made love to her as Alicia, and who gave her sex like she hadn't had before. But in the end she still wanted the masculine guy I'm not, and I couldn't give her that.

    It ok saying answer the door as Alicia, but everyone knows me, if I got a LH delivery for example, it would be all over the village by the end of the day; and right now that just seems too much too quick. If the post men didn't know me, and I was just one amongst thousands that didn't know each other it would't be so bad. But it's gosip central here, when I was ill the whole village knew.

    I know it's controlling my life, but I don't think I could take every one gosiping about me, and still live here. In a city people don't know each other, no one cares whats going on 2 streets down, it's different here. And it scares me.

    I'm trying to loose weight,I have been since I put it on, but it just won't budge; but I'm still trying. At my normal weight 48 36 44 is not too bad a shape, and thats when I will be avble to get into all my old girl clothes, I just have one top, and one skirt that fits, and it's a good job my bra is stretchy.

    1474655752
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry I did not answer to your post again. I read them, but don't always have the concentration to answer. Sorru about that.

    THis is just to let you know that since the last time we've talked, the ideas we were discussing have been on my mind. With ups and downs obviously.

    But 2 days ago, I've read an article somewhere about rape. It was hard to read and I ended up crying, but as least I told my OH I had cried. This article made me again, make the distinction between "rape" and "sex". rape is not sex. I was feeling better and hopefull after that because I was thinking that I can make a distinction between the two. If I've been rape, and did not experience "very bad sexual experiences", I don't cary as much negative sex experience, so no need to rebuild so many positives ones, I can simply get over it, forget about the rape phase, and now just have sex. By definition, it's sex with someone I love and who loves me back, so it's sex, it's not rape, it now can be positive. Well, it's always been, cause it wasn't rape.

    Now I know you're happy reading this, but there's a thing. There was a period in the beginning of our relationship where I would still be in that pattern and give my bf sex even though I didn't want it, but he wasn't aware of this, and he never forced me to do so. This doesn't count as rape, but it doesn't count as positive sex experiences either. I must class it, but but categories would be really painful.

    ps I'm glad you bought more lingerie! how does it fit and how does it look on you? Most importantly, do you feel sexy in it?

    1474661365
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worry about answering my posts, you have your studies and they are very important. I know if you really need to tell me something then you will. You know I worry about you, but thats me, there is nothing to be sorry for; I just care alot.

    I'm glad something made you see the distinction between sex and rape; but you don't need to classify the sex you had early days with your bf. Your mind was still in your past relationship; if you must just class it, call it an adaptive phase, where you were still learning to assert yourself in a relationship, out side of your abuse. There is no reason to make it an issue that could seep into this phase of your relationship with your bf. This is the new possitive stage, where you are now free to rebuild yourself; with no interference from the past. Your big sister does know what she is talking about sometimes you know.

    It doesn't matter how much I want to transition, my past mental health issues that are on record will bar me from doing that. Plus I don't think I have the mental stabillity to do it; I would have to dress and live full time for 2 years I believe it is, before they will do anything, be unable to get work, and suffer the locals all knowing me, as I have said. I'm quite litterally trapped, and I don't know If I can stand not to change either.

    There is no issues with my GP, when I told him of my gender issues, he was ready to send me to see the people at one of the centres for this, that is only a short drive from me. my isue is that it's the same place I went to for part of my rape councilling. I'm sure I told you, when I told the therapist, then about my gender issues( this was 10 years ago) she asked if I had ever worn female clothing, and when I said no, she just said well then you are not trans; end of. I have all these issues that I have tried to get resolved over how I was treated during therapy, but no one will speak, to me. Consultants careers are more important than my life, is the way it seems to be.

    Even my GP didn't really say much other than I should have been asked why I felt that they didn't believe me, and reasured that they did; but it would take hours on end to go though all my reasoning, and obsevations of my therapists behavior, and no one will do that. My GP talked to me for 40 minutes even though he had other patients waiting for 30 minutes, so he's really quite good. But I can sense he doesn't want to go there with my complaints of how I was treated.

    I have no intention of obtaining hormones to try and go it alone, as far as that goes; despite Sarah saying many trans girls do just that.. I think it was jess's thread on how hormone contraception affects women that, made me realise that it would be bad to try.

    As for melatonin, thats something few Dr's over here are willing to perscribe, perhaps it's to do with the body becoming acustomed to the higher levels, and the natural levels produced by the body then becoming ineffectual, once the drug is stopped. I have lived with this sleep issue most of my life, so I'm kind of used to it as far as I can be. One thing that as me thinking is how do I tell someone If I do meet them, like oh by the way, I have these teribble night mares and I can wake up screaming, and sorry too, because I sometimes even wet myself from the night mares. It sounds dreadful written out like that, but theres no other way to say it, but I'm off worring about someone I may never meet.

    I will let you know how I go on with the lingerie, i could post that on the my latest puchase thread, it is due to arrive tomorrow. I spent way too much, but I feel crap, and it made me feel really excited to think of trying it all on, and hopefully feeling like one sexy woman. The best bit is going to be shaing this with my sister, and girl friends; like a proper woman. There are not many pieces on the site that look like they will fit me. But I got the black beyonce corset in the biggest size as insentive to loose this weight; eeeak, plus some other pieces. I signed up for the lingerie tester too, I have been busy doing reviews of toys I have had a while, luckly some of them are still on the site, so I could do reviews. Looks like it's baked beans on toast for the next few month to pay for it, I did use the 25% offer code so that helped a good bit.

    1474664039
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I was not learning. I am speaking of the phase beforeI realisez something was wrong.

    I think you'll just have to give it a shot and hope to be lucky enough to have a therapist that's understanding. Not all intervenants are the same, and you might find one one day that'll be the right one for you. I think it's worth the shot.

    Melatonin is not a prescription drug, anybody can get it in drug stores, at least here. It's pretty much not potentially dangerous. I once told a doctor about my trouble sleeping and she said "try melatonin before I prescribe you anything stronger". It worked for a while but I just got back into my bad habits and anxiety and now I'ms tuck in a bad cycle where I go to sleep at 2 am, wake up at 6 to go to school, then come back, can't study cause I'm to tired but don't wanna nap because I can't wake up from naps, then I just unwantedly fall asleep and wake up two hours later at 8h, and can't go to sleep until 2.

    What you,re saying about finding someone makes me think about the song fragile bird from city and colour. Listen to it, it's pretty good. Every city and colour song is good in my opinion (it's my favorite artist) and you might find a few songs will make you cry (it does, or at least, did, with me). Our song (me and the OH) have been little hell for a while.

    I'm glad you bought the corset! you'll be so happy if you fit into it! I'm sure it would boost your confidence! And if it doesn't fit, well, it'll give you a good motivation to work out and eat clean.

    You can write reviews on items that are discuntinued too. Just go back in your purchases to find the link and you can still write a review. It's not helpful to customers, but it still is to the lovehoney staff, and it increases yur review count, increasing your chances of being picked to test something. I like seeing you writing more and more reviews! :)

    1474669131
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    And here I am again. listening to some city and colour and it led me to listening to a duo the guy's done with pink, and I'm crying to the song no ordinary love

    1474669313
    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    whoa, there are some mega long posts on this thread, erm, good luck all

    1474669528
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    whoa, there are some mega long posts on this thread, erm, good luck all

    Is it really the first time you open it in like 6 months? haha That thread is just, everything. Our whole lives are in it :P

    1474839893
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    My blog's live if you want to have a look at it. There's not a lot of posts about my experiences but still.

    The link's in my bio

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