• Overcoming performance issues

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    The more I think about it, the more I feel bad about the fact that I can't feel close qnd intimate with my bf. I've felt it with another guy and it was great and I felt good, so why can't I manage to do this with my bf? Is it because I have the constant fear of having sex? Why can't I feel like sex is safe, and even "great" with him?

    1473385745
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It's all, about the thought patterns created in response to how things were, for both of us. You already know the problems I had with touch, it lasted 25 years for me. In the end I just stuck with it until I got over it; I used to think it was about someone else touching me, but it turned out to be about me touching them, more than them touching me, and even me touching me. i used to avoid getting showered as much a I could.

    It was touching someone else in the end that made me understand, thats why I took up dancing. it took a long time to feel comfortable. You should have seen my legs keep giving way under me, just from trying to get into dance hold.Thats also when I came up with that thing about connecting yourself to your body through touch, that I described to you. But you have to keep doing it regularly, if you stop you get the problem back, until you have done it and felt comfortable with it for quite some time. It must be done like meditation so your mind is fully focused on your body, and not wandering to bad places at the same time; it is hard to do.

    I didn't realise that you had this too, I hope I haven't set you off with it, when I told you about how it was with me. And made you self concious about touching your self.

    With me it was a trigger to bring back the past, it was feeling them, and her against my skin again, I couldn't shut it out like I could between my legs, I couldn't make my entire body go numb.

    I wish you could let go like I did with crying; I have yet to need to cry again to see if my block has come back. I didn't know that crying for a hour straight could be so exhausting, it even made my jaw hurt after, for some reason.

    Don't hold back your emotions when you talk to your bf, look in his eyes as you speak, I know for me that will be something I will do if I ever meet someone special. I can sense that I will not be able to hold back if I look in their eyes and see compassion and love there. I had to imagine looking into yours, and it worked.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    What other guy ? and was there nothing sexual with this other guy. I'm assuming you don't mean the one that hurt you.

    Sex wasn't safe with your ex, who hurt you, but you should be feeling safe with your bf, you love and trust him, he doesn't make you have sex, you tell him when you want to try, don't you. So I'm not sure why you feel unsafe now.

    1473390441
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't think I had this problem wither, but it seems like I do :(

    I have issues with toucing my partner too, when it is in a sexual way.

    What you describe you feel like when touching yourself is exactly how I felt. It was like if I wasn't the one touching my body, it felt like someone being intrusive and I felt uncomfortable. And it wasn't even sexual! I think I feel more comfortable with masturbating than doing that, but when I do, I disconnect myself from it too, that's probably why porn was so attractive too, it's like the biggest level of distance.

    Sometimes I feel good and connected to my bf when he touches me in that non sexual way, but it's rare because I am always feeling like it's sexual and he's trying to get in my pants. Even if I don't feel like he is actually trying, I feel like I must give in to that.

    The only moments when I can let go are mostly when I feel so desperate that I think "nothing could hurt me more", and I don't want to get there to feel that. I find my bg and I don't spend enough time together, sharing love without anything sexual. I want him to hug me, to give love to me, but in a non sexual way, and we don,t have that. Either we're sharing a friendship, either it's sex, but there's like nothing in between, and that what I need the most. I always try to tell him but I am bad at expressing myself, and he is bad at understanding me and knowing what to do concretely (to him, he's already taking care of me and sharing love to me by cooking for me everynight, washing the toilet because he know it discusts me, etc), while what I need is proximity, and for him to tell me I am ok with him (he is not into talking and saying those things because he finds words are empty compared to actions).

    So, as I think I was saying (at least I was getting there), the more time it's been since the last time we cuddled or had sex, the more I'll be scared of even the slighest touch. I don,t know why is that. In fact I think I know. It's probably because when we cuddle etc, more often, I can feel is love and remember that feeling, but when it's been a while, it all comes back to the past and I see sex and cuddling like a bad and threatening thing.

    Yep, there was another guy, kind of a hook up thing but we didn't seep together. I told him from the start I wasn't going to have sex with him so we just cuddled and kissed and slept together and I know it was positive to both of us. I was feeling comfortable with that guy because I knew we weren't going to have sex and that he was totally ok with that. Maybe I just allowed myself to be intimate with him (because I feel we were very intimate, I even told him about the rape) because I knew there was no chance I would end up hurt, because there was no chance we would have sex anyways.

    I kind of feel it works like that with my bf too. I tend to open more to him when I know I am safe from sex. The tricky thing is I don't want us to stop having sex (but why??). I feel uncomfortable with having sex though, even if it's just for me (like it's always the case, because I am not giving him if I am uncomfortable with it and feel a pressure to do so (he doesn't pressure me)).

    It all just seems so complicated and scary :(

    1473390441
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't think I had this problem wither, but it seems like I do :(

    I have issues with toucing my partner too, when it is in a sexual way.

    What you describe you feel like when touching yourself is exactly how I felt. It was like if I wasn't the one touching my body, it felt like someone being intrusive and I felt uncomfortable. And it wasn't even sexual! I think I feel more comfortable with masturbating than doing that, but when I do, I disconnect myself from it too, that's probably why porn was so attractive too, it's like the biggest level of distance.

    Sometimes I feel good and connected to my bf when he touches me in that non sexual way, but it's rare because I am always feeling like it's sexual and he's trying to get in my pants. Even if I don't feel like he is actually trying, I feel like I must give in to that.

    The only moments when I can let go are mostly when I feel so desperate that I think "nothing could hurt me more", and I don't want to get there to feel that. I find my bg and I don't spend enough time together, sharing love without anything sexual. I want him to hug me, to give love to me, but in a non sexual way, and we don,t have that. Either we're sharing a friendship, either it's sex, but there's like nothing in between, and that what I need the most. I always try to tell him but I am bad at expressing myself, and he is bad at understanding me and knowing what to do concretely (to him, he's already taking care of me and sharing love to me by cooking for me everynight, washing the toilet because he know it discusts me, etc), while what I need is proximity, and for him to tell me I am ok with him (he is not into talking and saying those things because he finds words are empty compared to actions).

    So, as I think I was saying (at least I was getting there), the more time it's been since the last time we cuddled or had sex, the more I'll be scared of even the slighest touch. I don,t know why is that. In fact I think I know. It's probably because when we cuddle etc, more often, I can feel is love and remember that feeling, but when it's been a while, it all comes back to the past and I see sex and cuddling like a bad and threatening thing.

    Yep, there was another guy, kind of a hook up thing but we didn't seep together. I told him from the start I wasn't going to have sex with him so we just cuddled and kissed and slept together and I know it was positive to both of us. I was feeling comfortable with that guy because I knew we weren't going to have sex and that he was totally ok with that. Maybe I just allowed myself to be intimate with him (because I feel we were very intimate, I even told him about the rape) because I knew there was no chance I would end up hurt, because there was no chance we would have sex anyways.

    I kind of feel it works like that with my bf too. I tend to open more to him when I know I am safe from sex. The tricky thing is I don't want us to stop having sex (but why??). I feel uncomfortable with having sex though, even if it's just for me (like it's always the case, because I am not giving him if I am uncomfortable with it and feel a pressure to do so (he doesn't pressure me)).

    It all just seems so complicated and scary :(

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    EDIT: sorry.. I double posted because there was an error message

    1473415716
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    If I understand you correctly there is little intamacy between you and your bf, he see's that if there is to be no sex then whats the point of intamacy, so he just treats you as a friend, well most of the time.

    So, in effect you are in two diffeerent relationships with the same man, one is a friendship, and thats ok as far as it goes. And two is a purely sexual relationship, which is a bit too like the one you had with your ex.

    You don't want to stop having sex because, you want a relationship that is rounded, in other words part friendship, part non sexual intamacy, of both a physical and emotional nature, which you can't get from a just friends relationship; and part sex. But you don't have that so you feel no emotional connection, what bit you do have is only occasional, so there is no reinforcement of it by continuity, and it lacks emotion because there is no verbal content; actions alone are not enough to my way of thinking. Some people would say that if you love someone then they should know it from how you are with them, so there is no need to say it. but I don't believe that to be true.

    At least not for us, I know I need that verbal reasurance, because, some times my ex would be normal and loving, but I never knew when she would become that other person, because she often didn't want physical intamacy without sex, and did not like to give verbal emotional support. She was actually more open with her abusive feelings with me, and would say things of a negative, agressive, and violent nature, quite easily.

    You told me once that I sounded a bit like a young girl who needs constant reasurance that her bf loves her, both in words and in being together.. Well maybe I am, and I think you are too, because we have good cause to be that way, and that should be accepted as part of who we are because of what was done to us, not because we are imature and overly needy.

    You need to get him to understand that you need consistant unwavering emotional verbal support, as well as frequent non sexual intamacy, but both at the same time; and not a bit here and a bit there when it comes to his mind. He need to understand why you need this. If it is not consistant then you can't differenciate it from your ex's behaviour, which I would guess was as my ex was; never knowing when the bad person would appear. So you are constantly in fear of another rape about to happen.

    This has translated it's self into your current relationship, because there is no continuity of support, not enough non sexual intamacy; it's like your relationship with your ex, even though you know your bf is not like that, you can't help but feel like it's pretty much the same.

    Would you like me to write something for you to say to your bf, to help him understand this, if you feel you can't express it properly. You would have to translate it back in to French though, so I hope it would still mean the same things.

    I'm having some issues over everything now too; I can't stop thinking that all this with me becoming transgender, is all about me being raped, like I'm using it to avoid dealing with that issue. I'm doubting myself and requestioning everything, even wondering if me liking sex with men is part of me avoiding being a straight man who was raped; as if it is all about making myself someone different to that person in the past, so that I"m not me any more so it can all go away, because I'm Alicia now, not because I have dealt with the past.

    Why did I take so long to accept being trans, and being bi, is it because I''m not, but just that I can't cope the way I was, everything feels like it's unraveling, like I'm back to not knowing who I am. Why is this happening ? I'm sorry.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sometimes I feel good and connected to my bf when he touches me in that non sexual way, but it's rare because I am always feeling like it's sexual and he's trying to get in my pants. Even if I don't feel like he is actually trying, I feel like I must give in to that.

    This is what I mean when I said I was always expecting there to be rape about to happen, even when you feel like he is not, you can't help but compare it to your ex, that sooner rather than latter he will won't sex, and that feeling of "I must give in to that" was because to you were forced to make that your "normal " response; when its not normal. There is no middle ground for you to feel safe to be intimate in. So it's always sex or no sex, or as it feels to you rape or no rape, and nothing else, and never knowing which or when.

    I feel more comfortable with masturbating than doing that, but when I do, I disconnect myself from it too, that's probably why porn was so attractive too, it's like the biggest level of distance.

    Are you doing what I feel I am, when you watch porn, you feel that you want to be the man because the man has the most pleasure. But is it because if you are the man then you get to feel pleasure, because you can't as a woman; you can't allow yourself to feel it, because that would mean you could feel being raped. And to you sex and rape are the same thing; which is true, only consent, makes it different. Also allowing yourself to feel it is kind of like consenting to it, but self consent. And I think I now understand why we don't like to touch. It's because you can''t speak the word "no", you dare not, for fear of being beaten or worse; so all you can do is withdraw consent by body language. When you have consentual sex you touch the other person, that is part of showing a connection; it also transmits consent. So to us touching the other person, is like showing consent for something we don't consent to, and to connect with someone we didn't want to connect with; even though we know that we are in a different situation, it's very hard to loose that instinct from the past. It goes right to the core of our sense of self. I still don't know for sure if I have got over this issue, because I have had so little chance to prove it to myself, in a relationship. I could never see this from the inside, it's only just now seeing it mirrored, in your words that I can see it.
    1473424300
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    àhe doesn't see it like that, but he says he doesn't need that type of intimacy, because he says sex bring some kind of intimacy that is the most intense.

    But you couldn't be more right about the rest.

    It's cute that you offer writing him a text so he can understand better. A french traduction wouldn't be necessary though haha (that part made me laugh). I think having him read your comment would help.

    And Ali, you have to stop overthinking (look who's talking). It's normal that you are in doubt, but you have to look deep inside of you for how you really feel, I am sure the answer is there. Just be who you feel you are. REmember that you don't need to be trans or cis, that there are other "labels" too and maybe one can fit you better (but don't overthink, simply aknowledge that so you don't feel irrelevent).

    And you told me that you were like that way before your rape experiences. You know why it didn't come out earlier: for the same reasons why you can't cry. You've been hiding it for so long, thinking that you couldn't be yourself, but you know you were Alicia a while before it all happened.

    The other comment is all right too, except for the fear of being beaten up.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not sure if you want me to write an explanation of how you/we feel about the non sexual intamacy, or if you will just show him my last posts.

    I said Translate it because I thought it would then sound like it was from you, rather than something someone on the other side of the world had written.

    Every thing from before about my gender was more signs, that I can see looking back, than actually already being trans. I only went that way conciously after. But 99% of why I feel like I do, has nothing to do with sex. So maybe what happened did make me use it as a way of not dealing with some aspects of it, but it opened the door to something that was already there.

    I still feel conflicted again, I'm not wakling round all the time with tears in my eyes that I can't cry, and all the emotions connected with that, so I'm thinking more; it seems like thats not quite as good a thing as it first seemed to be.

    At least you understand now why you feel the way you do, about touching, thats always the first step to getting over things.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry I did not answer to your last post. I put it aside for when I had time and completely forgot.

    I must admit I am comming here to ask you a question.

    I've just seen you saying "I am a trans girl, pre-op", what does tha tmean? Are you decided on getting the operation or that you think you can't consider you are trans if you still have a penis?

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Trans girl pre-op means just what it says, I'm a trans girl but I haven't had the opperation to give me a vagina. So I could explain to the guy that I concidered anal sex to be the nearest I can get to having penetration sex like the woman I am, inside. I'm pretty sure from what Sarah said that I would never be allowed to transition, because I have mental health issues on my medical records, that would disqualify me, so no matter what I feel I'm stuck like I am now. I wish I could just go into hospital and wake up in a female body; well as near as I could get anyway. The worst bit is putting panties on, those extra bits really get to me when I'm wearing clothes; it's easier to ignore them in bed, or make them feel like lady bits, when I play.

    I'm am trans, even as my body is now, it's about how I perceive myself as female, not what my body looks like. I know I'm all over the place with it, and feel terribly trapped like this. Maybe I was looking for a way out of the pain of being like this; I have tried recently to push myself into accepting my male body, and settling for being male for an easier life.

    But I can't feel anything if I try to masturbate thinking of penetrating, and I mean emotionally when I say I feel nothing. In my head I don't have a penis now is a big clit and it's soft, or if I use a fleshlight it feels like a dildo going into me, but you know this already. I do feel happier in girl clothes, (what few I have that I can get into, after putting this weight on), until the door bell rings then I panic, at least here I'm me and proud, just a bit all over the place emotionally, OK well a lot all over the place.

    I'm kind of OK sweetie, so don't worry. I hope your studies are going better, I worry for you over that, as well as your problem. I didn't really ask a question other than not being 100% sure if you want me to write something or not, so nothing to be sorry for. You get on with the things you need to do, I'm here if you need to talk.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia and Mamz. I dont feel that I can offer any advice to either of you but I want you to know I'm thinking of you both *hugs* xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank Terri, that means a lot, just to be accepted as me the woman, on the forum; well lets just say it keeps me going, and gives me hope that all people are not like most I know in the offline world.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Terri. As Ali said, it's appreciated.

    Alicia, That's kind of why I was asking. I feel like you feel the need to justify yourself when saying "trans pre-op", as if only talking about how you feel and how anal sex is vaginal sex for you wouldn't be legit or something. Know that you are legit. The whole person you are is, your sexual orientation is, the way you feel is, who you are, etc. You are legit.

    And what about hormones? At least starting with testosterone blockers would help as you'd feel like you wouldn't be trapped in a "male" body, instead you would be trap in a "gender neutral" body with a big clit.

    Have you tried strapping your penis back? I know some shops sell undies especially made for that. They offer extra support while still being girls panties, maybe have a look.

    How di it go with the job interview and that whole process?

    My studies are getting a bit better. I finally managed to settle a bit. I have lowers my goals (studying 4h a day instead of 6 - and before that it was 8) and it seems more realistic, and less demotivational so i get to study those 4h and I am using them well I find!

    Sorry for not answering. The answer was "no need to write something, I'll just show him your last post and I am sure he'll understand better". However, I don't feel the need for showing him this anymore. There are still some issues, but yeah we're getting by. We both agree that we should spend more time together. Also, I've received the strap on but haven't opened the package yet.

    1474159305
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm struggling to know how to refer to myself, when trying to help someone out, by the fact that what I often end up saying now tends to cross genders; it's more about trying to help the person by explaining just how I am, so what I say doesn't tie them in confusion. Though the guy in the thread was asking me questions until I said I was trans then nothing.

    I'm not thinking I'm not "legit" in myself persay. You are making me think now. Well perhaps I am, because I don't spend as much time as I would want to in girl clothes, and all made up; but I should be able to feel female what ever I wear, and do to a point, but it's hard feeling like I'm wearing someone elses body of the opposite gender. It's even the fear of answering my own door as Alicia, that makes me feel like such a chicken; but I feel like I have put up with it for too long, and am finding it hard to cope with it emotionally

    I can't just go ask my GP for testosterone blockers, you have to go though psychological assessment and get accepted first; and they won't for the reasons I told you.

    It's not so much my penis thats the problem as far as getting into my panties that gets to me; I may be above average in size but when I'm not arroused I think so little ( no pun) about it that it just disappears inside me compleatly flush to my pubic mound, I have got a fair bit of body fat there, but it's all ways been the same. My first used to say I may as well have a vagina when I'm relaxed so to speak. The problem is I don't have one of those cute little scrotums; put it this way have you ever seen a bull from behind, well thats me; they are really quite large and hang down way too much; I f****g hate them, and they can't just be tucked. I have been thinking of sewing up a sort of G string to part them, I would end up with one hell of a cammels toe effect though. And panties just can't cover it all.

    I have more problems with the thought of been seen out of the house, everyone knows me, I used to be a well known local business owner. How can Alicia have a real life, when I'm such a coward, but I don't go out any more anyway, except to get food.

    I'm still waiting for the job thing they are not interviewing for a few weeks yet; it seems I have to do the whole 2 interview thing all over again, it seems a bit asanine, but it's what they do. I will tell you how it goes don't worry about that you won't need to ask.

    It sounds better between you two, but I can hear the unspoken "but I will have to see" unless I'm very much mistaken. I hope it goes well when you get round to trying the strapon; don't forget to stay with the possitive thinking, you don't want to be thinking this will never work before you even try. Have you asked him to give you lots of verbal support and non sexual intamacy; he may think that sex provides the best kind of intamacy, but thats guy talk and not what you need.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    ALI!

    First off, I want to tell you that I agree with everyone's nice comment on your new avi! :)

    And we're getting closer to a nice smiley face now :P You hair really grew fast and that's great. I'm glad you can now feel closer to the real alicia (since you don,t have to wear a wig anymore). I love seeing your confidence build up with your avatar history! that's heart warming!

    You've come such a long way! that's amazing!

    And I had to mention this from terri's last post: " You are you ! It dosent matter if you're bi, trans.......or even if you have 2 heads, you're YOU and that's what's important......and why we love you 😘 xx", because I couldn't agree more. Who you are is why we love you. It's why I do love you too. You may think you are broken, or not valid as a trans person or as a woman, or etc etc, but you are who you are and I couldn't love you more if you were different.

    You definitely shouldn't be afraid of answering the door as Alicia. You are who you are and you are at home, don't let anyone make you feel like you don't belong there as who you are. They are the one in the wrong position if theyhave any problem with the fact that you dress like you want to IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. No one has the right to tell you what you're allowed to look like, especially in your one house. Only you can do that. And is the fear os answering the door as alicia worth the depressed feeling that is brought with wearing men's clothes all the time only in case someone will ring at the door? think about it.

    You can start by getting rid of that fear and being confident answering the door dressed as Ali, then, you'll go a bit further, and further, and you'll come to a point where you can finally feel free to show the world who you are. Screw them if they don't like it, it's their problem not yours. You've lived your life to please others, don,t you think it's finally time to live for yourself?

    I understand why you are afraid of people judging you, but should you really care about what they think? so what if they say "look at this poor man, he was a successful store owner and now he's jobless and has gone crazy and dresses as a woman". How does it affect your life? you should feel better with people talking behind your back than by letting people controling your life by their judgment and by telling you how you should behave. I'm sure the second option ends up in a happier life anyways. People only talk about others to make them feel better. Making people feel miserable help them feel superior and better about their own sad lives. Never forget that.

    If you can't have hormone blockers (that makes me angry again), maybe losing some weight will help first. I kind of see what you are talking about now when you say "my fat makes me look more like a man than a woman" (don't take it as an insult, it's not). Seeing your face on that new angle from your picture makes me imagine the rest of your body more easily and I kind of get it now. Men store fat in their belly, women store it in their hips. Maybe if you lose some weight you'll have a more androgyn figure? Plus you could maybe do some exercises to muscle your buttom, and maybe grow some boobs by working your pecs? This has no means to be insulting, so please don't take it that way. the last thing I want is making you feel even worse towards your body by offering these comments/advices.

    Have a look at these panties I was talking about. I'm sure they can help for that too.

    I have some news about myself but I'll come back with it later as my bf is now impatiently waiting for me to come eat.

    1474328506
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so I'm back.

    Just wanted to tell you that yesterday when I went to sleep, I had a moment when I had a switch in my thoughts pattern. It all started by the feeling of being safe in my bf's arms. the feeling I could trust him, and that he didn't want to hurt me. this feeling came because for some reason, I had a though about my ex. Maybe it was because of the "truth" thread. It made me want to say "I am not turned on by mf bf" but I though about my ex, and though how sometimes with him, I would feel an emotionnal bound, I would feel like our two souls connected. I've never felt like that with my current bf, and I've always put the blame on him, but now I am realizing that I've just blocked myself from that feeling. I've developped a protection but it is still set now where I should feel safe.

    Realizing that I was the one keeping me from feeling safety and a connection with my bf brought me in a better state of mind. I then started to imagine that connection while having sex, and how it is not potentially hurtfull (at least, shouldn't be). Then, I had the feeling of how a penis can feel good inside of my vagina!! can you believe this?

    After that, I was back to mind set I hadn't been in for a long time. I was thinking that us sharing our love would be a great experience, with a worth of its own. I was thinking that the fear should not prevent me from ha ing sex, that instead, I would better try, because if I don,t try out of fear, I am sure I won't have a great experience, but if I try, there's chances it might happen. I was also feeling like my bf wanting to share his love to be was sufficient. You know, all those things.

    All this made me realize that yes, what really makes it different is your mind set, and that the good mindset can change an experience to something completely different.

    I am speaking in the past tense because right now, I'm back to comparing myself after reading some posts on here..

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1298
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    You just managed to process what we have been talking about for ages, thats a big step, and very possitive. And to actually think a penis inside your vagina could feel good is massive. I think this has made you feel vulnerable; because now you have something to loose and I think that maybe scaring you more than you realise. So you go read some posts, and use what you read to cange your thoughts back; at least then you had nothing to loose, so you felt lost back then, but not scared of loosing what you most want, because you felt that you would never have it to loose.

    All thats left to loose is your life, and somehow that feels easier than loosing what you just find yourself about to get back. I know this because this is kind of how I'm feeling about Alicia, why I have been wobbling over it, and casting doubts, and fears, recently, and what if now I feel happy as Alicia that I'm going to have it all taken away from me, by Dr's who will say i can't get to be ``Alicia properly, because I have been ill.

    Trust in what you felt from your revilation, you are there, please don't through it away out of fear, you have only your own mind to conquer, there is no one else stopping you. Yes the world is full of sadness and misery, but you don't need to carry this; be sad for those in pain, but take heart that you have found your way to love and a deep connection with your bf. You have worked hard to get here, know in your heart that it is your time to take back all that was taken from you, and that you deserve it. You have found freedom from the chains of your past, cast them away now for ever. No one can say you will never feel heart break again in your life; but you know that know one will ever put you back were your ex had you.

    Take your bf love and go live and love, and enjoy sex, you are free baby girl, don't give that up and let your own mind take this from you. Let these posts you have read go, that is no longer your life. Feel compassion and understanding, for these people in pain, and take it with you to make you a good Dr, use what you have learned from your life to go out and help others.

    Don't worry about saying things, you would never do anything bad to me, and I would never think what you say is insulting; it's just honest, and I need that, It's no more than thing I have said to you, to get you to see things you needed to see. The one thing you have is that there is no one else holding you back, but you; and you know this now, and have for sometime, it's just taken you a while to realise it.

    No more talk of nothing to live for, your life is waiting for you right now.

    I love you so much, Ali xxx

    PS I will digest what you have said to me, about me, and post back, when I'm ready to say more.

    1474333988
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1827
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I did not mean to be harsh on you, sorry if I was.

    I understand your fear of being denied as Alicia my doctors. I have never thought about it but it makes perfect sense to me, and it saddens me.

    The threads were things to make me think "it's unfair, I want to have that too, but I can't" again. Just the usual thing.

    But right now all that doesn't matter. I am feeling bad for myself, cause I feel there's no way to get out of this situation. I feel like I have put myself in this situation. I feel like I had given my freedom, and can never have it back. I feel stuck, in chains, I have put myself in these. And those chains arn't my thoughts, they're bigger than that, they're my whole situation. I feel responsible for everything that happened to me, I feel like I let it happen, I feel like it's all my fault. It makes me cry.

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