• Overcoming performance issues

    1472941428
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I can't even see why/how you could hurt me saying what you said.

    I don't feel like I was saying nothing is valued expect an orgasm. And I don't put a lot of importance on that, but I do if I feel I can't have one or if it is unfair.

    What you said about porn is absolutely right and I can totally see it. It's what I've been trying to say all this time, but you put it in words better than I did. I know it doe snothing good to me.

    I fear of watching romantic porn as it makes me really sad and I then start thinking that it's something that doesn't exist and I'm sad I never/can't had/have that.

    You might be right about why I don't get turned on. You've already told me that it's like that for you, but I never thought it could be the same for me before you talked about the possibility like you did there. But since I quit watching porn, I don't feel turned on about masturbating or pleasuring myself. The only though of porn did turn me on though. It's created a path in my brain. I'd like that same path to be created but regarding sex. How can I create such a path if I can't even want to have positive experiences to create it?

    1472941483
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Apologies if what I'm going to suggest is a total non-starter mamz.


    Could you recreate the feelings of power and dominance that turn you on while watching the men "taking pleasure" in porn during bondage play with your OH? You could discuss how far he is prepared to let you take things. Maybe restrain him, blindfold him and then enjoy the feeling that you are in total control of what happens next. You could maybe use a flogger, paddle or crop on him or indulge in temperature play and all the time it's you that is calling the shots. Hopefully the power trip of seeing him in a more submissive role would give you a thrill and get your blood pumping.


    I know you said that you feel he is the one getting more out of it than you but while he is restrained and blindfolded would he be okay with you giving him a hand job, bj, then climbing on top of him to ride him cowgirl style whilst all the time focusing on how you are feeling, the sensations you are getting and using your fingers or a bullet to really get yourself off rather than thinking about how much he is enjoying it?


    Sorry if this is idea is of no use at all.

    1472945793
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I thought it may hurt for you, for me to make you remember that thats how it is for you, because when I realised the truth of this, I just wanted to cry so hard, but I couldn't let it out, I felt like I just colapsed inward. I didn't want to make you feel like that but I felt it may help you get a grip of where the feeling is comming from in your head.

    It makes me sad to think you have never had romantic sex, are you saying you have never had such a moment with your bf. Perhaps if you watched some romantic porn, with your bf, and caressed and kissed as you watched, that you would see the couple on the screan having what you feel doesn't exist, that it would stir something in you. Some of the romantic sexual moments in ordinary films and tv that last for mere seconds have had a more profound effect on me than any porn, it feels so genuine and real, unlike porn.

    It does exist babe, and if you believe and keep the faith it may come to you, but anything that you keep saying can't happen or doesn't exist won't happen. You have heard of the self fulfilling prophecy, well thats what you are creating for yourself. And one day I will get you to feel that to be true, that it's in your hands, it's your mind your thoughts that can create it for you, if you will let it, and take the time to get there.

    Why are you not wanting to have possitive sexual experiences ?

    Create the path in your mind first, visualise it, see it in detail every thing the feelings in your heart, the sensations in your mind. try this; get relaxed on your bed and using just your finger tips on both hands, put them on your pubis and gently draw them over your skin up your tummy between your breasts, go in a circle on your breasts, then back up your cleavage up the side of your neck to your ears, go around your ear lobes so that you hear the rustle. All the time you are drawing your fingers over your body gather up the sensations as if they are something soild and tangible, and sweep them in to you mind through your ears. Go back down your neck and this time use the back of your fingers to sweep down the sides of your body, go around your breasts again then on down to your hips, draw up your knees and sweep down the out side of your thighs, then onto the inside of your thighs, over your sex, then back up the center again to your ears, to deliver the sensations.

    Do this over and over, when you feel it more, spend a little more time stroking your vulva, labia, and clitoris. Keep only the sensations you feel from your body in you mind, like meditation. When you feel this working well send half the sensations inside your body as you draw your fingers up to your ears from your sex, let them follow your fingers on the outside. This creates a mental pathway for physical sensations from your vagina, to your clit, and from both those to your mind. If you put in a little reverse going from your clit to your vulva, then back again, before moving up you body you mind can create a link between your vulva and your clit, and also draw in all the other spots you pass over, and up inside your body, and link them all to you mind.

    It sounds a bit weird but it works for me, it does take practice, belief and patience though.

    1472948079
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm glad you are thinking about pegging your bf again, you keep feeling that it would be abusive, and and being a bit ambivalent about it, but try to see that if he wants it it's not. And you mentioned anal for you, thats great too. I told you that is what I turned to as it had nothing to do with the past, so thats some good things to try. Anything thats not connected to the past.

    You must try not to think that things will not work, and phrases like why would I, and how can I. I know I said it in the last post but I'm saying it again. Replace these with, I can, I want to , I will, they are all things that involve only your mind set, there is no one stopping you from changing this, but you. Don't wait for these thoughts to appear to you on their own, choose to have them.

    1473049281
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Imh95, you're suggestion is not as off as you think.

    I have tied him up only once, but absolutely loved the feeling of being the one in control, the one to decide wether he could feel pleasure or not, and how. It also got me wanting to peg him. I'd be ok gibing him pleasure that way, and I'd get even more of the dominant feeling and feel more like a man. However, I am not keen on the idea of giving him stimulation of his penis. I sure will end up doing it anyway but more out of "I feel I have to" than anything. I am not comfortable with the idea as I feel he is getting more than I am that way.

    Alicia, the more I think about it, the more I think you hit the nail. I've been feeling like I'm lacking passion, connection, love these days but I am realizing it's cause I don't allow myself to feel it. I guess I fear it may be associated with sex in the end. I don't know. It makes me sad. I'm thinking maybe I should try to let go of my guard and let those feelings happen, that's what my therapist wanted me to do so I guess it can only help..

    I have felt a romantic connection a few times during sex with my bf, but it really is a rare thing. The one time that feeling was the strongest was when we had sex after my therapy for painful sex, and when he told me he'd wait for me to be ready. I wasn't seeking for an orgasm. All I wanted was to share ove and I was thinking "all that is important is that we love each other and have a good time, no need for orgasm, but no pain is mendatory". Now I am crying as I am typing this. I guess the realisation just strikes as I am putting it into words. How sad is this.

    I don't feel like we can have that. I mean, I still want to have orgasm with him. I couldn't let myself feel good if he is getting one and I am not. Plus I feel like owning sex toys make me want orgasms. It makes it easier to have them, why should I live without having them?

    I don't know why I don't want those positive experiences. It still cares me. I wanna stay as far as possible from the feeling of being used. You know I get this feeling everytime. I also don't fully enjoy our sexy times because I don't feel comfortable with giving him, which is also making me feel uncomfortable for receiving. And I find it's boring. There's no shared feelings, no connection, no passion, nothing, just sex and goodwill, which is not enough for me. Then again, I probably am the one responsible for it being that way.

    I was going to answer to your post having the "But I can't get turned on, what's the point, it won't ever change" type of thoughts in mind, but it just redirected to something else, something deeper, and I feel very sad about it. Why can't I even allow myself to feel loved?

    I am going to try your sugestion when I have some free time. That's also something I'd like my bf to do on me.

    About pegging, he's not really excited about the idea. Again, it's a case of "I don't care if you want to try" but with even less enthousiasm. He really doesn't seem to be interested in it.

    The more I think about it, the more the block about romantic sex seems to be a key

    1473079334
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You have to remember that everything you feel, and think about sex and romance, is linked to you past; your past colours and manipulates your present, even if you don't realise it. don't look for the answers in the here and now, the answers to what you feel are in the past. You don't want passion, because you subconcious still thinks you are in that past relationship; you have created partions in your mind and put different aspects of your self in each one. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but you did this to protect your self; who would want to feel love or passion while they are being raped. But you didn't see it as rape (neither did I ) because you were in a relationship (you accept now that it was rape, but your suboncious has not )

    So your subconcious sees sex within a relationship as "rape" !!!!!!!! this is what is driving every thing for you, but you don't see it, at least not deeply enough. ( this is why I thought you would feel some pain with what I said in that other post) You brush it off as something you are over, but you are not. Every time you try to have sex with your bf, that part of you deep inside says, don't do this, you hate this; if you have to do this, I your subconcious self will protect you, and stop you from feeling passion and love, I will stop you from having an orgasm, I will even stop you from feeling any internal sensations; because it's the only way to fight him, through "passive resistance" . And to save passion and love, for when we are free.

    So you seperated love and passion from sex, you call it disassociate, but some how you don't believe that you can choose to reassociate the two. I think this is because your subconcious is still firmly in control of this. This is why you MUST see your bf as some one new, some one who truely loves you, some one who you want even need to feel pleasure from you, that you want to "give" that pleasure to him, that you give it freely with no conditions on how much he has, or whether it is more than yours. THIS IS PART OF LOVING SOMEONE You must feel this on a subconcious level, as well as conciously.

    But you are still listening to your subconcious mind, that mind still believes you are in the past. Only possitive experiences one on top of the other will convice your subconcious you are free to feel love and passion, and orgasms, and internal sensations; when you have sex.

    This means learning to be selfless with sex; every fiber of your body is screaming I will never be selfless in sex. Because that means giving up on the war, it means surender, it means I have lost, I am no more. But the war is over sweetie, you won, you got out of the prisoner of war camp; but you DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

    You can't allow yourself to feel loved because that was the chain that held you in your past prison, who would willingly put that chain around there neck, and close the lock after what "we" have been through; the thought is pure nightmare, it's unthinkable. But again this is happening more on the subconcious level. We, and I say we because I have yet to have someone to do it with; must let go of the past, to let the present in. You have found the right person, you knew what you were looking for in that new person, now you have him; so let go of the past.

    If you say I can't, or I won't, you are sure to never be back in that prison camp; but if you don't you will never feel love and passion freely ever again; AND YOUR EX WILL HAVE WON, you will be freely giving him the rest of your life, even though he is not in it.

    Only you can over ride your subconcious, I can't do it for you. But that means letting go of everything, it means becoming selfless. You must find other ways of enjoying sex, like anal, which is what I did; but I would willingly and with love in my heart give the other kind of sex to some one who truly deserves it, even if I still felt nothing. In effect I have come to terms with the wounds caused by "my war" just as a soldier has to come to terms with the leg he lost to a land mine. If he doesn't come to terms with this, he forfits the rest of his life, to misery.

    But you can grow back those missing things in your love life, ROMANTIC SEX IS THE KEY, I have told you this before, only now you seem ready to accept this; you are healing. Romantic sex will reconnect, sex with love and passion; but it will be hard, especially if you fight it ( you are not at war any more put down your weapons, this is nor surender, it's a new begining, where weapons are not needed, not even the ones used passively)

    You must allow yourself to feel good, if he has an orgasm and you don't, find other ways to have pleasure, let other things in, don't assign levelss of pleasure to them. Remember how you used to rank rape in terms of how physicaly bad you thought it to be, when it is not the case. Pleasure is pleasure. I don't know for sure if your orgasm will come back, it has on occasion, so you know it's you that is stopping it. But even if it doesn't ever come back you must move on with your life ( this is your soldiers missing leg) . Don't hide from life because you have a " missssing leg" ; you know this is what I did, you know I know what I'm talking about , so "will you listen" no more I can't , I won't, whats the point, it's not enough, why should I have to live without them. ( they got blown off in the war) grow up and accept it.

    Only then will you stand a chance of growing them back, but you have to do the physio so to speak, physio for serious injuries is hard work and painful, this no different, only the pain is in your head. You must believe that it can happen, put away the negative mantra, and replace it with a possitve one. REPEAT AFTER ME, - - - I WILL FEEL LOVE AND PASSION WHILE HAVING SEX, I WILL FEEL PLEASURE FROM WHERE EVER I GET IT, I WILL NOT ASSIGN VALUE RATINGS TO PLEASURE, I WILL GET MY ORGASM BACK.

    There's no shared feelings, no connection, no passion, nothing, just sex and goodwill, which is not enough for me. Then again, I probably am the one responsible for it being that way.

    You said it babes, so believe it, and there is no probably about it. It is you and only you, and always has been. You took it all away in the first place didn't you, Thats not a question, it's a statement of FACT. But you had to do it , you had no choice, because you are a fighter, a dam strong one. But you are home from the war now, let the man who loves you; really love you. let the wounds heal. Put down the weapons and the shield, you won. Now go live the rest of your life, with love and passion,, great sex, pleasure and massive orgasms from penetration.. THATS AN ORDER SOLDIER,

    I'm here to help, with the phsyio, now you are willing to go through the pain of physio; That was a big yes I am, I just heard wasn't it.

    Butt kicking over, I love you.

    Ali baby.

    wearing this http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30233. Do I make a fierce comanding officer, or what.

    1473080756
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Love you Ali.

    That post couldn't be more on point.

    You're so good at kickin my butt.

    For your information, I've gotten my orgasms back a while ago. About when I stopped thinking "if I don't have them, what's the point to all this". They may still have some kind of importance but as I am not worrying I can't have them, they haven't gone away again.

    You know, I see the physio process and I'm thinking "this can never happen". Sure I want it to happen and want (I guess) to invest myself in it, but I am thinking I'm already so hurt, I don't know if I could take more. Well, I probably could, but I don't think I could while healing, it would only set me a few more steps back.

    You probably know, but the other barrier that is remaining is the fear of giving myself to him, and them receiving nothing from it. I know this should be normal sometimes (not all the time) in a relationship, but in my case it'll be just like giving myself up to be used, out of love. I don't want that, cause that's what I have done for too long.

    And you don't ven need the outfit for that, but now you make a sexy officier for sure haha. I'm glad you got that piece you were after. I am sure you look SSOOOO good in it! Tell me more about the sizing (out of curiosity, I promise I am gonna respect your want NOT to be gifted)

    1473089435
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't feel like we can have that. I mean, I still want to have orgasm with him. I couldn't let myself feel good if he is getting one and I am not. Plus I feel like owning sex toys make me want orgasms. It makes it easier to have them, why should I live without having them?

    I know you started to have them again, but you are still comming out with statements like this from this morning, so it must still be an issue. You don't have to have them from penetration with him, for sex still to be satisfiying as a whole, if you can have them at other points during love making, they are still part of the act, let them be your thing, but I don't think you should feel bad for letting him penetrate you and cum; be happy that you can do this for him. It does not hurt you anymore, all it is is you giving for his pleasure, it's not being used, unless you intend to see it as such, and want to see it as such. This is like, no this is excactly you wanting to pegg your bf and him not being enthusiastic about it. How can you expect him to be enthusiastic about something he feels may do nothing for him, when you are not only unenthusiastic about vaginal sex but don't even want to do it. You can't even feel anything, it's just BOOORRRINNG , where he is prepared, all be it without enthusiasm to do something for you that maybe at best boring for him, but also potentially uncomfortable, or even painful. GROW UP it's called compromise, and if you stop fighting this, you may even start to like it. Don't think Sure I want it to happen and want (I guess) to invest myself in it, take out the ambivulace and just say I do want to. And let go of the hurt. You know, I see the physio process and I'm thinking "this can never happen". Sure I want it to happen and want (I guess) to invest myself in it, but I am thinking I'm already so hurt, I don't know if I could take more. Well, I probably could, but I don't think I could while healing, it would only set me a few more steps back. I am not in your head, but I do know if you don't bit the bullet now, every day that passes it will get easier to say I need to wait more, and harder to take the plunge. It's up to you I can't make you, but I know how days and weeks of waiting to feel better , turn into decades. Please don't do this; it was the first thing I told you and it still stands. The pain is only in your head, I know it hurts but it will get easier if you try, the more you try wthout fighting it the easier it will get, until it becomes pleasureable, even if not ecstatically so. I couldn't even bare the though of having skin to skin contact, I used to think I would vomit all over the person I tried it with , and so wouldn't even think of trying, for 25 years. Then one day I decide it's try or die ( literally; I felt that bad about it ) even hugging my own mom made me gip, just having another person come that close even in clothes, made me feel so bad, I could not even imagine bare skin. But I did it, I didn't vomit just felt like I would, my legs just folded up under me, and I shook like I had just diffused a bomb, and I felt faint and dizzy. Then I did it again, and again and each time my legs didn't get quite so weak, and the shakes so bad, eventually It was ok. So it may set you back a few steps, at first, but only if you let it, and in the end you will "leap forward" so very very far.

    You probably know, but the other barrier that is remaining is the fear of giving myself to him, and them ((((receiving nothing from it.)))) I know this should be normal sometimes (not all the time) in a relationship, but in my case it'll be just like giving myself up to be used, out of love. I don't want that, cause that's what I have done for too long.

    What you did was give it to some one who was using you, and yes you did it because you loved him. And thats the part that is so hard, you let a man you loved rape you over and over and over, because you loved him. Now you are scared to let your bf's love into your heart, scared to go back to that hell, I understand sweetie, I really do, you know that. But you are with your bf now, please see that distinction. You say that you got your orgasms back a while ago, and they haven't gone away again, but again in the paragraph of yours above you say you recieve nothing from it. Sorry babe but which is it, you can't say both. It's the connection thats missing thats the problem, and the key, an orgasm with out the love , the passion, the connection, and the abillity to give yourself freely without fear, is empty and pointless, to one how loves as deeply as you do, and has been hurt the way you have. And you do love so very very deeply, when you love, you just can't not. But you can and do even now refuse with prejudice to let your self beloved. Because to you when some one loves you they want to hurt you in the way your ex did, and you cannot accept that. He told you that he loved you, your ex, didn't he, and you accepted it, didn't you. You accepted that his love meant he wanted to have sex with you when you didn't want to, and you let him, have that sex; "you let him rape you". Never again will you allow yourself to be in that possition. You are angry with yourself for letting that happen. Back then you had no choice, you didn't know what you do now, you didn't have the strength until latter; don't punish yourself for that weakness you percive in your self. It has hardened your heart, let it go, let yourself feel your new bf's love; it's selfless. I know you feel his lack of enthusiasm, and it would put me off a bit too, but he is willing, he is willing to do for you without thought of himself, without thought of reward from it. His one major failing in this is that he is honest about it; but what a wonderful, endering, failing that is. And you know that when he starts to enjoy it, and I think he will, it will feel wonderful for both of you. You must trust in you bf's love for you, and know way down deep inside that he is true to you and would never use you. You would nott be giving yourself up to be used ,out of love. You would be opening your heart to unconditional love, with some one who truly deserves to share this love with you, and share your body, as much as you share his. True love is a mutual thing of giving and recieving. I take it you were talking about trying the suggestion I had for making mental connections between the various parts of your body. Once you have got into that a bit, try this. Clitoral masturbation drawing in your vulva, labia, and internal sensation with a finger, if you can, and use your other hand to caress your body, at the same time; when you have a good link between the parts of your body, instead of feeling two distinctly different sensations, in two different parts of your body, they will combine into one sensation, being greater than the sum of it's parts. Involving your bf in this after you have got the hang of it, would be great, you could do the finger thing with both hands while he goes down on you, or he could do the finger thing while you masturbate. Use him to bring your perimeum and anus into this, and make a link to that part of your body too. I didn't buy that corset, I just want to, the black and the white, but I dare not spend the money; I will just enjoy the thought, and imagine wearing it. I want to loose this weight, if I can I will feel some much better wearing it, and it will be an insentive to loose the weight. I was 46 chest 36 waist 44 hips, but aren't women measured over the nipples, so my measurement is eqivelent to an under bust measurement on a woman, plus a little bit for the fact that under bust is a bit lower on the chest, ie not the widest part of the chest. Now I am 53 chest 53 waist 46 hips. I am 6 stone over weight now, so not just a few pounds, Damed medication. I have really strong shoulders from work, and my build, not very feminine, but I'm only your height ish at 5' 6" and I have short legs to my body. the balance should be 50/ 50 top of head to top of hip bone, top of hip bone to sole of feet. I'm just way on the opposite end of the scale. The vitruvian man as drawn by da Vinci. The difference between men and women is in the width, and the ratio between shoulder and hip width. If my legs were proportional I woud be 5' 11" tall. I know you can't gift me because I have no wish list, and they will only gift from a wish list for this reason. You would have to tell me to put it up and you wouldn't hurt me that way, and yes I would if you asked, because !!
    1473092423
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I know what you are going to say, but, what's the point of penetration if it does not provide me pleasure? Intimacy is not everything and I don't want to be giving my body, at least not this way.. If I can't enjoy it I don't want to give my body to him for his pleasure, out of love.

    You say that you got your orgasms back a while ago, and they haven't gone away again, but again in the paragraph of yours above you say you recieve nothing from it. Sorry babe but which is it, you can't say both. It's the connection thats missing thats the problem, and the key, an orgasm with out the love , the passion, the connection, and the abillity to give yourself freely without fear, is empty and pointless, to one how loves as deeply as you do, and has been hurt the way you have.

    You just answered your own question. But I am getting nothing from penetration with a partner, not from sex in general. Connection is still missing though but it's better than nothing at all.

    I don't want it to be "let him penetrate you and be happy if it gives him pleasure, because you love him", I want it to be wanted from both of us and to be enjoyed from both of us too. If it's to be one sided, I'd rather give him pleasure another way. Anyways, he says that what he likes about making love is the sharing, the connection, etc, so if we don't have that and it's only about him it's not going to be worth it for him either. And yes, what you are asking me is for it to be one sided and to accept it. You say it doesn't mean I am being used, but I can't see how it is so different. There was love in the past too, and there is still love. If I am doing this only for the other one, it's then EXACTLY the same thing, except for the pain (physical pain).

    I am already imagining your comming with "you got this all wrong", but really, I think what you are telling me is pretty much this. I can't see the difference expect that I would "willingly" be giving myself to him instead of being forced to do so, but still, you are kind of forcing me to do so as "I don't want to do that / I don't feel comfortable with that / I'd rather not do that" is not an acceptable answer.

    I'd love to gift you. I know you love that chemise, but I can't afford it either :( I'd love to gift you with something that on sale or not as expensive if there's something that grabs your fancy. I know it wouldn't be the piece you've been after :/ And don't think I am meaning "you aren't worth that much money in me eye" cause it's not that at all.

    1473098103
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not forcing you to do anything only showing you a way. If you want that back then this IMO is the way, but if you can't go there then don't. i am not going to say what you should want.

    You know the point is to get it the sensations back, but you will never do that without trying, as the saying goes about eggs and omlettes. I' am just trying to show you a way, and yes it may seem point less in the forever sense, like sewing up a would on a dead man, but you are alive, and can heal. But you have to have the stitches in, this wound is unlikey to just heal on it's own.

    you are kind of forcing me to do so as "I don't want to do that / I don't feel comfortable with that / I'd rather not do that" is not an acceptable answer.

    I am not forcing anything, I think the feeling of me forcing you comes from the fact you know I'm right, but you still can't go there. You are not will to TRY because it seems like the past all over again. Well it is still sex, the point is to change that in your mind to making love, and enjoying it. Thats the point, make the connections. I don't think you can do that on your own , I have tried that for 30 years it doesn't work. It will only work if you try to make the connections during ( love making) Find it in other aspects of sex, but i won't just appear.

    I know this; I don't want it to be "let him penetrate you and be happy if it gives him pleasure, because you love him", I want it to be wanted from both of us and to be enjoyed from both of us too

    If you can be selfless it should open you up to what you want, be only you can make that so. You would not be being "used" you would be giving. You can't see the distinction in this but I can. When you become selfless and you do it with someone who deserves it; it becomes so much more, but you won't let it . You only see the comparisson in the act with that of the past. And most importantly you don't seem to see that is the path to what you want. Just doing the deed and laying there thinking I don't want this is just strengthening the negative, and will not help. Doing it with love in your heart makes the connection. But if you are happy with sex without penetration, happy to give him some other way to cum, and the same for you, then that is one way to have a sex life. Only I thought you wanted to get back to sex with penetration.

    But you still have to find that connection, some how, you have to, let yourself feel the connection to want to feel it. You love your bf, search your self for why you can't make that connection, and I'm sure it's what I have told you it is.

    I answered my own question because I wanted you to see the distinction between the physical and the emotional, ( you do still want to have orgasms during penetration, and feel that connection, don't you ?

    The love in the past wasn't love, you know this, only your love was real, his was not. What you have with your bf is real and mutual, thats the difference, between now and the past.

    I tried with mt FWB but there was now love on either side, yet she cared enough to try to help me, and 3 times I made it and many times I didn't, because I can't do that for anatomical reasons. The connection was not possible, but even now I accept myself as TG I would stil do that for the right woman, and do it with joy, because it would mean I had beaten my ex, and because of her I became able to be selfless, and will take this into my next relationship, until she becomes unworthy, then I will not only stop doing it, she will get the boot. If we are in love and it real and deep and mature, then to give her anything that I could would bring me joy, whether it turned me on or not. And I would hope she would do the same for me. What I would not do, is anything that was painful ( I love being wipped so that don't count) or offensive to me, as I would not want to do anything painful or offensive to her.

    You say your bf is not enthusiastic about certain things, and that is because he feels they are not for him, but he will still do them if you ask, if he said nothing about them being not for him and was enthusiastic you would never know, but he would still be doing something he gets nothing from; but he does in the sense that he loves you, and anything he can do within reason he will do reguardless for that reason. it's your past that prevents you from doing this, it's not a wrong thing to do. You have even said to me once that anal is his thing not yours so you don't really want to do it, so what if he was so enthusiastic about using a strapon on you, and said the thought of it really turned him on, would that be off your list then.

    It''s hard to get the balance between doing something for love and doing it because it's your thing, without the other person feeling wrong about it, unless you can both be selfless, and let it so be either way. You have the right man for this.

    If you can't do this then, I don't know what to suggest. Only keep trying, have a go with the strapon. I am only telling you how I got there, the how for you is up to you. I just want the best for you, and if that means trying to get you to see something you don't want to see I will do it. Even though it would hurt me less and be easier, not to try; and belive me it does hurt when I try to get you to see something I have done for myself through my eyes, and it hurts you.

    I know you can't afford anything that expensive, and I know you would give me le Monde if you could, well give it to your bf, le Monde that is not the corset; unless it's his thing lol. Just to know how you see me that way is enough, as that fierce woman feeling sexy in that corset.

    1473105008
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I guess you're right hunn.

    We just had sex. First I was thinking "focuss on the love" while he was touching me and it ended up badly and I was depressed, then maybe half an hour later we talked about it a bit while I was still naked and he said "there's nothing bad about doing that for the pleasure" and he went down on me and after a while I came, and then I was feeling so much love and wanted to cuddle and was even turned on, but not for sex, for intimacy. We concluded that I was seeing things differently when I've had an orgasm and he said "you should allow me to give you more orgasms". I'm not sure it it the right way but it's still better than nothing, and I want to feel this as often as possible, maybe I'll even end up feeling it during the actual sex, just like that other time I was talking about (even during penetration!)

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes Yes Yes, this is the Right way, and for penetration too. That was a very tentative I guess you are right, but I will take it a yes, because I hope it is. This is about you getting help that works, not about me being right.

    Another one of my strange things like the linking body parts, through touch. If you can let him be in you, try to imagine drawing his energy into you ( what the Chinese call chi ) through his penis, like it's a drinking straw for his energy, and it's between your lips like a drinking straw would be to the lips of your mouth. Imgine the energy, let yourself feel it, know it's his love, that you feel, and that the moment of his ejaculation that energy that love is the strongest, and it's the sweetest thing you have ever tasted, draw it into yourself feel it, love it, need it, bath in the wonder of what your are doing together.

    Try having the oral orgasm first and then penetration see if you can feel it even though you didn't last time, just try see if you can push past this feeling of not wanting, you will not have had the disapointing first attempt to add to it. 

    Let the physical become the emotional, pull it deep into your body, right up inside let it fill you like don't ever want to even take a breath to suck up the next mouthful, let it keep comming into you, let it fill you up until it fills you head, your mind, live it. Imagine his physical presense in you, is been drawn into you the same, he is yours and you have taken him, and his love as one thing. The past is irrelivent that was not love he gave you, this is true love take it, want it, need it see the difference. You love bf just the same as you did your ex, it feel the same it is the same, it's how you love it can be no different. What is different is the love you are given, because you were not given any real love last time, infact toxic love is worse than no love at all.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    He doesn't ejaculate inside of me unless he is wearing a condom.

    I guess for now the way to go would be trying to keep going this way, having him use a strap on on me after I've had an orgasm and feela connection, then eventually If we're lucky I'll want to share that connection with him even more and will want him to penetrate me with his penis.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    That sounds more possitive, if you could just think "I will" rather than I guess, or if we are lucky, it will lift your optimism. But I know it's hard to be optimistic after so long. Keep going forward sweetie; I feel like I may have pushed you a bit too hard lately.

    I wasn't refering to ejaculate, but to the energy that comes from the sensations, and emotions felt during sex. Perhaps what I said is a bit too mystical sounding, but it describes the way I think now, when I invert the sensations I feel.

    I just noticed that the paragraph spacings have dissapeared on my post higher up, that must have been terrible to read, I have heard others mention that this happens, but it's the first time I have seen it on my posts.

    I'm drowing in tears I can't cry, I just can't let them out. It's like my father took away my right to cry, when he used to whip me for crying; it's feels like I need someone to tell me to cry, to give me permission. But I have no one here to do that for me, I feel like I need to see their eyes, to see that permission in their eyes. And to speak the words of my pain, to make it come out.

    1473171708
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You haven't sweaty

    I got what you were refering too, I understood, but you did mention ejaculation at the end like the ultimate energy transfer.

    It wasn't too bad to read, I read it on my phone. I must admit though when I loged in on my computer and saw your post I thought you went full slinky haha

    You have the right to cry sweatheart.

    Just imagine I am by your side and am telling you that, and let it go and cry over my shoulder.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you Sis, I hugged my pillow and told you all the things I can't say on here, and I felt your arms around me, and heard your voice, heard the love in your love for your big sister. It was hard to not hear my mom and my dad telling me that I must not cry, but I asked you to tell them to go away and, and you did, and I cryed like I have never cryed before, telling you so many bad things that my ex did to me, but you just kept telling me to cry, you don't say stop telling me those bad things that happened to you, because I don't like to see you upset; thats what mom used to say.

    so I couldn't show any emotion, but I am and always have had a strong connection to my emotions. I wish I could tell you those bad things, I know you would want me to, so that I can have those emotions; but it's enough that I told you out loud out here, that was the way just thinking it doesn't work; and seeing you tell me I could, made it real.

    She hurt me so bad Mamz, and I still find it hard to forgive myself for wasting the best years of my life. I loved her with every fibre of my heart, and she just ripped it out and smashed it to pieces; I'm so scared to fall in love again, because I can't go through that again. But I can't go looking for love anyway, I have no job, and I can't be 20 again, so that someone will want to employ me.

    Thank you Mamz, I feel safe to love you, I wish I could meet someone like you out here; now I know what real love is, so I will know when someone is really in love with me.

    Ali baby xx

    1473198762
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Babe, I couldn't be happier and sadder reading this.

    I am happy that you were finally able to cry and let it out, I am also very happy that you "told me all about it" But it is so sad knowing you are feeling like this. I know exactly how it feels and it is really painfull letting all go out and having slashbacks of the past etc. I wish I could be withy ou for real.

    I now want you to talk to me everytime you feel the need.

    I am glad you feel safe with me, that'll be at least one person in your entire life (I'm mad at everyone else in your life)

    Start something from home. Write a book or something, I am sure there is something you can do that you'll enjoy and that can earn you a little money

    1473354190
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I am mad at myself for letting him take away that part of my life. I don't wanna be living with this weight forever

    1473362164
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You know this is why I wanted to help you; because I didn't want you to end up like me.

    I wish I could get you move your mind set; what happened to us happened with in the confines of what should have been a safe loving environment. So we had sex with our then partners, when we didn't want to. Does it feel like you need to orgasm to make it different to what how sex was back then. Because I feel like seem to see sex now, as no different for you now than it was then; am I reading this correctly ?

    I know how much you love your bf, I don't know why you can't make that connection with him. This is something I have yet to face, as I have no one to be with. But I do remember when I was with that woman 7 years ago that I let her push me into sex before I was in love with her; and I felt no connection to her, she just ended up using me as you know, so it was the same all over again. But I don't know what I would have been like if I was in love with her. She told me that she was in love with me, but you don't refuse to even give a back massage, to some one you love if they have just spent 4 hours seeing to your pleasure, with no mutual aspect to it.

    But your bf adores you, and would do anything for you, can you search your motions ,and thoughts to see what is stopping you making an emotional connection with him. You said you felt something after he gave you an orgasm with oral; is it just the fact that you came that makes the difference ? You do have that connection when you cuddle and kiss don't you ?

    I keep saying this, but it's true, for both of us, it's us who have to change the way we think. Please try to say I will to yourself, when ever you feel things are not so good. You have a good bf, let him into your heart: I don't what you to have to wait for me to find a way to do this, and tell you how I did it. I may never find that someone, no matter how much I want to.

    I wish I knew how to get you to let go and fall into your bf's arms, emotionally speaking. It can be done. Your words gave me the permission to cry, for the first time in my adult life, I could feel myself trying to block the tears, like a strong voice that wanted me to stop, but I brought your love for me into my head and trusted it to be true. I gave you more right to say that to me, than my parents had to tell me not to cry; because you have proved you care about me, that you want me to have those emotions, and let them out. I told you how feeling you with me, made me able to push the desire to stop crying away; and it did go away when I said it out loud.

    Have you tried speaking your feelings out loud, when you are in your bf's arms, tell him how you feel about what your ex has left you feeling, asked him to express his love and support, and tell you that you are safe now, that you are free to make that deep connection with him. doing it at an emotional moment and hearing your own and his words out loud, may enable you to believe it. Just the way you did for me.

    Up until having you tell me I could cry, I could not get past the part of me that said stop trying to cry, and thinking it in my head that you gave me that permission, wasn't enough. I felt kind of silly at first talking out loud in a half screaming voice, as though you were there for real, but I knew you wanted me to, so it felt safe to do it, and it has lifted so many thoughts and emotions from me about that time in my life.

    Try it Mamz, cry if you need to over what you have had taken from you, cast your ex out of your life for good, make that connection with your bf, let go of that burden of the past and all the roots of it that have permiated your present life; I want this for you so vey very much, take back what is yours, think possitive thoughts, speak them out loud, and you will do it.

    1473377814
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You are pretty correct when you say that: "Does it feel like you need to orgasm to make it different to what how sex was back then. Because I feel like seem to see sex now, as no different for you now than it was then; am I reading this correctly ?". I see some differences about it, but my main vision of it hasn't change that much, and if I don't orgasm it's especially more true.

    I have that connections more often after he's brought me to orgasm. I sometimes feel that connection when we cuddle or something, but it's rare. Yesterday I was having trouble to fall asleep, so I decides to touch myself, but not sexually (I was caressing my neck, bstrests, stomach, pubis) and I felt even uncomfortable receiving that from myself. I think it's really a brain pattern.

    You're right. I already tell my bf what's wrong and how I feel and that I need him to support me, but I could ask him to remind it to me more often. That's what I need and I do feel a lot better and close to him when he does. I am gonna ask him to do so.

    ps, I am very glad that talking to me and crying with me has been that helpfull to you. I wish it could be to me too.

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