• Overcoming performance issues

    1472786322
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Good; will you listen to me and try to take things onboard, you didn't even remember me talking about autoerotic self written literature.

    Are you having a problem with drink, I'm worried for you, be honest with me.

    1472787283
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Nothing more than what I mentioned about it on addictions.

    I am too stressed out and i don't have time to drink (because i can't study when I drink, it makes me lose the small amount of concentration I have). As a result, I only drink when I am feeling so low that I stop caring about life and avout passing or failing. So yep, potentially problematic, but no no drinking probleme.

    I am sorry for not remembering quickly. It came back to me mostly but I still can't remember when we talked about that. My memory is overloades with diseases and treatments and medical words and I am so bad at this.

    Ok, I will listen to you. Can't say anything about taking things on board because I don't know what it means but I have an idea. I am willing to listen to you and try to refeain from my first reaction. I'll let it sink a bit before making my mind about what you tell me.

    1472787372
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Right now I am just feeling a bit lost in all this. So excuse me for being like that. I'm just lost. Lost and a bit confused

    1472787932
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok babe it's getting late here, I will go through things and write some stuff down tomorrow, I understand you are in information over load, so I will post it in bits after writing it in word.

    I know what it's like too about not caring about life sometimes, don't worry about me, it's things that I just cannot talk about here, well mostly. I don't like keeping things from you thats not who I am, but you have enough going on; and it helps me to feel useful when I help you. And knowing how much you care for me keeps me going, no one cares about me off line.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    'Night babe

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It's ok sweetie, I invented the concept of feeling lost, and who could be more confused than me.

    1472788340
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Agreed haha

    1472821891
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Will you answer to my post on i got a pressie please? Take your measurements and all.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    What post sweetie?

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    The post when we're talkig about lingerie and slinky also comes in. After you had just told me what piece you do like

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't need to buy me something, if you want to do something special for me, accept in your heart that when I tell you something about how things are with you that it's true.

    When I have lost this weight I will get my favourite piece of lingerie and post a picture for you to see.

    Your happiness is worth the world to me, thats all I want, I told you I don't like "things" from people even from the one I love. I only need love, and happiness; I know you want to do this for the right reasons, but there is too much hurt from others in my past, where presents were compensation for the hurt, I just can't go there yet. Please don't ask me to accept a gift from you, that I know would get tainted by my past, to know that I couldn't help feeling that way about a gift from you; that would hurt me so bad, even though I would know I didn't want to feel that way.

    Please forgive me.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I will post about your problem when I have had time to think more, I will be here for you.

    1472825397
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't appologies

    I perfectly understand. I don't want to make you feel that was. There's absolutely no way I want that.

    I was saying because you seemed a bit excited about the idea and it was making me happy. I see like a final bit of help to reach who you are . It's highly symbolic in my eyes too.

    I will be looking forward to see you in your favourite piece! :) But you don't need to lose weight to feel pretty, know that you can still be sexy with a bit of extra weight

    1472869401
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    This is lovely to read. The shopping trip you's planned is happening 😄😄😄

    I popped in because was trying to sleep there and the conversation here ran through my mind. The piece of lingeres the wet look chemise right? The fierce one? If I'm right it's getting discontinued 😣😣 sooner rather than laters probably best.

    I popped into live chat as I had an enquiry of my own and asked about stock. I think you'll be okay for now bearing in mind I've no idea of your size though.


    Any way Mamz - the porn problem adding to your problem with sex with your boyfriend's been playing on my mind.

    I stayed away from writing negatives because you feel it's your only way of enjoying pleasure and if I take that away and make things worse id feel awful. So thought it was better to say little than potentially put you off for life. It's really been eating at me that I didn't explain it.

    I'm so sorry you've taken backwards steps. I'm wondering if you are having some set-backs after the crash? I mean, it doesnt bare thinking about. So scary


    Hope you're both doing okay tonight. Thinking of you both always 😙💜xx

    1472934696
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Slinky I don't think the crash has affected me in any way other than with my fear of germs (and only a little bit)

    And now I am thinking "why should I quit if it's the only thing I can enjoy?"

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz - this is exactly what I was thinking, it's the only thing you can enjoy right now so perhaps it's not the right time to quit. Imo disrupting your sexual pleasure seems to pull you down into rubbish thoughts which isn't good for you. So it seems to me that porns helping you.

    Yes I know it can desensitize people from partner sex but you're already there as you have fantasies that you're not able to live out, and that's the pleasure you get from porn. So taking it away doesn't seem the solution here, not right now any way.

    I think you should enjoy it and not worry. An orgasm a day keeps the Dr away. I'm sure you'd say if you felt it become problematic, and everybody will try to help 😙

    Just an idea. I'm wondering what's put you back after all the incredible progress. No matter what you've got masses of support here hunni 😙💜xx

    1472937282
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Well I'm not back at the exact same point. It's more a "it unfair to me" thing right now rather than a "it's unfair to my gender" thing you know. I know lots of women can easily get turn on, but I don't and it's unfair. I would like to, but why would anything turn me on anyway? the only thing that does is imagining I am a man there to take advantage of a woman. This is definitely toxic to my relationship. So yes, It's already became problematic and that's why I thought I'd better quit.

    I agree that I'm already put off by sex so it can't change anything on that anyway

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww Mamz I'm so sorry you feel this way. I worry that changing your thought process could be unhealthy because you may feel there's nothing to get turned on for. You get me? If I didn't mean you're back where you started, sorry I should explain better. I meant it as I'm you came so far but things have slipped a bit, not gone back to how they were gosh no. The progress you've made is obvious.

    This is another thing, I totally get the unfair point so struggle to help with solutions etc. Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? ,I know you've talked lots and (think) he's not interested in being pegged now. Is that still the case? Because I seen something about a strap on on another thread that made me wonder if your boyfriend's warming to the idea.

    Remember the incredible bondage experiences? This is perhaps a better starting block where you can dominate without crossing boundaries because this way you have all the control. 💜xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You're right.

    I already feel like there's nothing to turn me on. I've talked to him about it a couple of times but I feel he thinks it's his fault and he feels he's not good enough. Sometimes he also say things like "don't worry about that, it'll come when you,ve built enough positive experiences and start to associate it with sex being great". I just don't feel that could ever happen..

    BUT, I think exploring with unknown things may help a lot. Like using dildos on me, or pegging him, or even anal for me. If it's not associated with bad things from the past because it's all new, maybe I can build on those things starting from zero and make it positive. Then when I see some aspect of sex positively, there's a few options: 1. I have interest in only those things, but we can do only those and it's ok. 2. I start to see sex ing eneral as something positive and I don't feel threaten as much and even start to feel turn on. There's also always the possibility of failure.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Slinky It wasn't really a shopping trip, to start with; Mamz wanted to get me a piece of lingerie, but for the reasons I gave above I said do it as a virtual gift, the getting to know each other thread was closed so mamz put it on the I got a pressie thread, but as it was only virtual it got removed as off topic.

    Mamz I was excited by talking about choosing lingerie with you, it was my sister asking about my tastes in lingerie, and it made me feel happy and sexy, and most of all like a real woman; having girly talk like that with you was a first, and so special, until it got taken down ( as this may)

    I was hoping you would have found your way round the " I have no interest in sex" and the " Fear of giving and getting nothing in return" I never found a way through the no interest in sex thing, I still don't, as you know I have just come to terms with it, thats the way I am now. I have never felt some kind of urge to have sex, my body still has spontanious moments, I just used to find them unpleasent sensations I didn't want at that time, reminders I didn't want. I even felt like taking a knife to those bit sometimes. But I can choose to have sex, and get physically aroused, and even orgasm from anal, I'm just not aroused by it mentally.

    I don't understand from experience what it is to be "horny" I only get it, as a concept that others describe; I find sex deeply intimate, a joining of bodies, but nothing more as yet, (but I have not had someone to have it with as a couple in love, so I can only hope) So that means I can't say how I got through it. But I will still try to help you, I may find a solution that I can use myself, later; but without someone to work on it with I don't think it's possible, for me anyway. I don't seem to be able to get you to accept it as I do, and I can understand that.

    The fear of giving without recieving; I had that again with that partner 7 years ago, I love being kissed, held, and other such acts of intamacy, and just feeling loved, that would have been enough for me, I want that far more than sex, because sex is hard for me, as a man; I need to be submisive, to trust someone to take me as a woman, and not use me, I'm not a dominant woman, I can switch, but could never do more than sometimes.

    You seem to be saying nothing is of value to you, compared to an orgasm, perhaps you could work on that. I feel the way you quantify pleasure and satisfaction, and compare it to that of another, is not helping you, especially this thing about men and women. This is society of old that still clings to the present, but it's in your mind, as well as the minds of many others. But you know it's not true, you have read the posts on here that say you are wrong, but you only see the women who post with problems, and you know it's a mental issue, but you still try in your mind to find some reason to disprove this.

    Until you let go and think I can and I will do this, instead of I can't it's impossible. I told you months ago to have this as a mantra to repeat to yourself, but you don't.. You continue to search for the proof that the bars of your prison are real and imutable. See the proof that it is possible, it's plastered all over many threads on here. Some one just dug up a thread on nipple orgasm, read it there are women there who cum from just nipple play.

    If you feel you must watch porn then you do that, but you know it's not the answer, you know what it does to the mind, especially one as suseptable as yours. It gives a twisted vision of reality, because men are attracted to the fantacy of it, so it sells. If you must use it find some romantic type, I have had a look for some and it's there as woman friendly, or lesbian porn. But watch it vouyeristically, rather than trying to put yourself in to it as the dominant one. Watching stuff where women are treated with exstream disrespect, (I'm being polite again) and putting yourself into it as the man, is only strengthening your incorrect perseption of sex. It's going to reinforce the negative, come on you can see this, don't say you can't.

    Something must turn you on, the nearest I get to it is lesbian literature, then I get physically aroused though my mind not by touching myself, and can accept this arousal as wanted, and not something I was made to feel without my permission. I think this could be the case with you, do you see getting turned on as something that you don't want because it would prepare you for something you didn't want to happen. That it is not just something that you get nothing from, and don't want to do something that you get nothing from; but infact that you could feel it when you were raped, and it's that which you don't want to feel again. Not feel nothing, but feel what you felt when you were raped; as it happened in a relationship it happened a lot, so you taught yourself not to feel it. THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR ME.

    We can undo this. I am sorry if this hits you hard, and I have kind of said it before but not so bluntly. If I'm wrong I'm wrong, if I"m right, and it hurts, you have my arms around you holding you tight.

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