• Overcoming performance issues

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes thats my friend talking now. It is unfair that you don't get to feel how good it should be for you, but you know that it's you thats stopping it, you have come hard, and I remember when you said that ben wa balls or what ever they are called made you feel more, then things went really bad for you, you went to the bad place in your head.

    Yes I do know what it feels like to have sex as a man, I did have a few short months with my ex before she went all Norman Bates on me, at that time I was not conciously aware of my gender thing, and I had not been raped. It wasn't until after she threw me on to the street that I lost my sex drive, and the ability to get an erection. It was my own mind not wanting that to happen to me again, but even that did not stop the erections that came with the memorries. The only time I could get hard was If I thought about those times, when I could not stop it, and each time I would feel sick to my stomach.

    Now I have managed it 3 times with my FWB and tried and failed more times than that with her, I have wondered if that caused my wish to be female, but you made me think back before that, and the signs were there. Sarahs right you don't question your gender if you are cis. But I have lived a life among men and some do let things out, and I"m not wrong in that what a man feels is much less than a women can, and yes thats only can. I have had a few female friends who saw me as gay, ( the ones I told you about who just wanted to know what it was like to have a gay friend "for a while" ) and they talked constantly about female things in front of me, including sex, and what they describe is what I feel from anal sex.

    What a man gets is the abillity to come quickly, a million years ago taking too long about mating could get a man his head bashed in by a rival, these days it's classed as premature ejaculation. Men are feeling now the pressure to please a woman ( at least the good ones) and women are starting to demand more from their man, a well they should. But it is going to take a long time for things to balance out between the sexes, some men are going the other way, some women have started to behave like men, people just haven't figured out how to be. Some have some haven't, but generally nobody knows how to behave anymore.

    We are still driven by instinct to choose a mate, based on factors that are nolonger there. Men are staying home to care for children, women are having corprate careers, but there is still the masses in the middle that just don't know how to be. Sorry Im going on, it's one subject I have studdied a lot, and I find it quite interesting, as I seem to be able to see both sides of things. But there is much about it that concerns me, particulally about the behaviour of you males today.

    All that made me angry was that you were saying you bf was making a fuss over helping you, by trying to use a strapon with you, and this lack of enthusiasm he has with you. But I'm glad that you can see he will work on this. I just don't want you to be alone, but I don't want you feeling the way you did with your ex. I will keep this in mind for the future, and remind you of it if I feel you need it. Thank you for setting my mind to rest over this issue, I was starting to worry from your more recent posts.

    I can see what he( your bf) is thinking about his ex wanting to cum twice to is once, but if he cannot go again as you once told me. I would be happy to make a partner cum as many times as they were able to, I don't put a limit on their pleasure the more I could give them the happier I would be for them, as long as I get what is within my own capability. And they care for me and love me, and give me every oppertunity to reach my potential. This is where you struggle, because of what you were put though against your will, you have not made it through this yet, I have.

    While I find it very difficult to like giving sex, even now I have made peace with my body because it doesn't fit with my gender perseptions. To me sex is being penetrated either by a penis or a toy anally, because thats all I can do. If I met a woman and she felt she wanted me to give her sex, if I could manage it I would do it with love in my heart, but she would have to know that I felt nothing from it, only the joy of doing it for her. if she would not return the favour with a strapon then she would not be for me, as she would not love me for how I am. Men I just don't know how that would work, as I don't want to be in a gay relationship, I'm female, all be it only in mind.

    But as I have said without a job, there will be no relationship for me, I would feel too vulnerable if I relied on someone else to take care of me. The thought of getting trapped again is ever on my mind.

    If only I could get you to stop feeling you are being used, based on the other person feeling more pleassure, be happy for your bf, as long as you know how he feels for you, and what he is going though to try to help you. Be happy that you can give him pleasure, thats power too you know, I wish I could remember which woman on here said that same thing just recently, on another thread. And another who said it could be called dominant to envelope a man. It's all about perception.

    Please throw away your perceptions on this matter, trust me they are flawed, you just keep trying to justifiy this position to yourself, and to me. You are wrong, do you think I'm lying to you, I don't think you do. But You just won't let go of it, you are like a drowning woman who is clinging to a piece of a steel ship, even though it is taking you to the bottom; because you think that because the ship floated, then one small piece of it must too. Can you see how wrong this is ?

    I love you too sweetie, sorry to have to tell you off, I hated having to do it. But no one gets to distrespect women, not even you. xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    My bf just dropped m the biggest bomb and now I am so angry at him. It's like he doesn,t even care about hurting me, it's like it was on prurpose. wtf??

    god damit I don,t wanna cry cause it'd just let him win. I'd never have sex with him ever again if I could. How dares he treat me like that wtf. what an ass

    I asked him what was his problem with using a strap on on me and said "what is it? do you think that I'm thinking " if I can't enjoy sex you're not going to enjoy it either, do you think I want to keep you from enjoying sex? " and he just dropped " no, you already do that"

    I am so angry and want to prove him that I couldn't care less about his pleasure cause he doesn't even diserve sex from me but I don't know how to do that. He's the meanest person ever and hasn't even appologies. He's the most insensible *** ever. What do I even have to do with him

    He just destroyed everything we have built in our relationship concerning sex. 

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    BadBeeble [sign in to see picture]
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    lmh95 wrote:

    Have you tried reading any erotica? That can get you really turned on mentally and physically.

    If you feel the masturbation helps then maybe just do it manually without toys for a short while as toys can have a numbing effect on your sensitive spots whereas fingers are much gentler x

    Hi mamz - I'm brand new to this forum but I think the advice above is the best for your situation. I can read erotica (on the right topics - some dont turn me on at all) and be so turned on that I barely touch myself and I climax. They say the most erogenous zone is the mind for women. I often used the reading of erotica to help me get in the mood - replacing at least 1/2 hour of foreplay for my OH - this was very important when our kids were small and I had my mum or housewife head on!

    I think it would help you in so many ways because it would inspire new situations/scenarios for you - ones that you really like you could get your partner to read too, that way he has found out what turns you on, rather than you telling him what to do, so reducing the feeling of a forced situation. He sounds a lovely considerate fella but I see that he has 2 huge fears holding him back - the performance issue and the feeling that he might remind you of your abuse. This is why he is running away from the BDSM idea Im sure. But with the use of a safe word, you would be able to stop him if anything made you feel uncomfortable, and with you handing over control - I think you would completely stop thinking of reaching the bing 'O' because teasing, and drawing the arousal out for ages can be the name of the game.

    I also think the advice about banning actual sex for a fortnight and learning other ways to sensitise yourselves would help at all. I love to be touched through my underwear - I love feeling that I am soaking my knickers or that my erect nipples are almost ripping through my bra! I love playing with my OH through his underwear until his erection is nearly climbing out of his waistband. What about him stroking you with something silky, or something cold? You need to investigate and I definitely think get these ideas from written rather than filmed porn - much more subtle. I also dont think there is anything wrong with masturbation by yourself - learn a bunch of new things which work for you - then bring them to your partner and show him what you like (I'd be surprised if he doesn't love to watch you get yoruself off)

    Good luck sweetie and may I compliment you on your fabulous bum! i wish I had booty like that!

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    BadBeeble [sign in to see picture]
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    Apologies, I think my response was to the middle of the thread, not the end of it. My reply may be obsolete now I've realised there are later posts.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so sorry for you, Mamz, that was a mean thing to say ( I'm a polite lady) You are upset with him again putting it mildly, but I know how you get, and you know I worry about you, when you make posts after you two have had a bust up.

    You are using some pretty strong words here, I'm always here when you need to vent. but I have never heard you speak quite so strongly against him; and especially after the things you said recently , that you two were good.

    Try to calm down a bit, and have a massive hug from me, I hope things get sorted for you, you are going back to school and I worry that these bust ups will affect your future. (I'm sounding a like your mom again)

    Keep talking to each other you two.

    Ali xxx

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    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    My bf just dropped m the biggest bomb and now I am so angry at him. It's like he doesn,t even care about hurting me, it's like it was on prurpose. wtf??

    god damit I don,t wanna cry cause it'd just let him win. I'd never have sex with him ever again if I could. How dares he treat me like that wtf. what an ass

    I asked him what was his problem with using a strap on on me and said "what is it? do you think that I'm thinking " if I can't enjoy sex you're not going to enjoy it either, do you think I want to keep you from enjoying sex? " and he just dropped " no, you already do that"

    I am so angry and want to prove him that I couldn't care less about his pleasure cause he doesn't even diserve sex from me but I don't know how to do that. He's the meanest person ever and hasn't even appologies. He's the most insensible *** ever. What do I even have to do with him

    He just destroyed everything we have built in our relationship concerning sex.

    Jeez. That is not on! How long ago did this happen?

    1472423057
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Ali, I'm sorry I came here again while still venting and angry. It helps making me feel better and calming down. We had a talk about it and I calmed down. He didn't realise how much it had affected me and now we're (kinda) fine (I'm still pretty much turned off about sex but I'm no more angry).

    I am not a polite lady, I always speak my mind and I swear a lot too, so it may sound especially harsh when I am still in the heat of the emotion. I needed to say it to someone (and this way) to calm down a bit, so then I would be able to come back to him and accept his apolologies. I'm still thinking that we're good, but god sometimes he hurts me.

    I realised too that yet it was a really bad ting to say to someone, it was especially bad to me because I have lived with someone saying that all the time for 1,5 years. And you know all the bad things that came out of this. Hearing it from someone who cares and is nice to me was kind of a shock. Again, it's kind of a lack of understanding and reflexion from him.

    I'll take a hug though. We huged a lot but I need one from you too.

    And school as already started, and things can't be worse than they were last year and except from one class which I almost failed, I have a B average so I'm doing pretty well despite the feeling that I'm really bad at school and can't study enough. This year is more about balance and taking care of myself while spending just the right amount of time on studying. Aso, trying to reduce stress to a minimum.

    The thing is we were talking about the strap on issue again. I think it's time we let go on trying to explain ourselves and just trust each other without understanding ourselves. He says he is ok with it, well ok then. I say my intentions are good, well he does have faith in that too. that's all. I feel kind of bad though as I fear it may not work if he's not 100% into it and only does it for me. I'm saying that, but I also think he's gonna love seeing me being pleasured by him this way. hmmm.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Bex that had just happened when I wrote that post. I didn't let myself calm down after it.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Bad Beeble, thank you, you're so kind.

    I must say that you reply is somewhat still helpful.

    The performance issue as to speak has mostly been resolved ( feel he may still be a bit concerned about he must satisfy me, but my ability to orgasm came back and we started having some great sessions again recently). The sex is being better and better, and we are more and more focussing on the great and important things, not on orgasms etc.

    Your post may not be up to date, but it does bring something back. You add some great points on teasing the body and the mind ( with the OH or erotica). I think both may add a pleasing aspect to the whole thing, something that is not present at the moment.

    You also addes a thing about BDSM that I didn't really thought of. Well, ... I know he is not confortable with it and sees it as taking control over someone etc, but I didn't really link that to him not wanting to abuse me. We've talked about it more since then though and I feel like he understand better what it's about and why I want it.

    I definetely think reading erotica could benefit us both. I'm in need for some sexual ideas that appear right to me, and I'm sure we both could benefit from it if we shared those ideas.

    Now I'm getting a bit drunk so I may be lost in all this but I'll comment again if I find I have forgotten something. Thanks a lot, really

    1472424156
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    Bex that had just happened when I wrote that post. I didn't let myself calm down after it.

    Fair enough, but that's still not on. He shouldn't be criticising you as a sexual partner.

    I'm with you in solidarity sister!

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    bex1213 wrote:

    mamz wrote:

    Bex that had just happened when I wrote that post. I didn't let myself calm down after it.

    Fair enough, but that's still not on. He shouldn't be criticising you as a sexual partner.

    I'm with you in solidarity sister!

    YASS! a big thank you.

    He's never criticising me sexually though. He's always the one adding positivity in :P That's what hit me the most I think. I was used to this with my ex but never would've expected such a come back from him.

    1472426069
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Please Mamz, there is no need to be sorry for comming on here in the heat of your problems; hey at least there was no full on "F" words this time. I'm here for you, and If it helps you to let it out to me, then do that. It helps me too if I get in a state, just telling someone takes the pain out of it a bit.

    Theres always plenty of hugs waiting for you, and a calm voice, we know each other so well now; but I can't help but get a bit concerned for you when you are so upset, even though I know you will calm down quickly, maybe being your sister is better than being your mom, just your much older sister.

    He just doesn't think about the impact of his words before he speaks, You say he's grown up for a guy his age, well not quite grown up enough, men what can you do with them haha. I love getting to say that now. xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hahaha you,re so cute

    And you'd be so surprise if you knew. In the beginner, we both were the type of person who doesn't think before speaking and would just attack the other when we fell attacked. And I was an expert at that. That's part of why it all crashed up at some point. Now we've learned and try to care for each other, but sometimes we let one slip.

    When we cleared it up, I was thinking "I wish Ali would see us right now" because you would understand. You'd see how it is and who we are together and you'd understand. We're two arrogant folks and sure know how to defend ourselves :P I always say thatif we have children together they sure will be of the most arrogant kind, but they'll have caracter and will be strong!

    I love the idea of you being my sister, and It's more accurate I find.

    1472779707
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I answered to your post on the other thread before seeing your last one

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    That is true, what you wrote on the other thread, I can't even think as if i have a penis any more, I have tried but it feels like it's not what I should be doing, so I don't anymore. But that goes with my gender now so it's right for me, it's how I should be, and I feel "normal" now when I masturbate.

    Tell me a bit more of whats going on now, sorry I came late to the other thread, I'm not feeling too good, but thats not important.

    1472781211
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    How you feel is important. Tell me about it too.

    I agree with you about the fact it's ok for you cause it just fits who you are.

    If you read my other posts on the addiction thread you will know pretty much what is going on. I've mentioned some points without insisting on them not to get too off topic but if you read it I'm sure you'll recognize those points and know they are major.

    I feel like it's unfair I can't get turned on by sex. It's not even good enough for me to want it. I wish it was for me as it is for my oh. Of course it is great for him cause everything turns him on. There's nothing to turn ME on. He has the feeling, the vision, the love to please, etc. I have none of those aspects. Why would I enjoy having sex and why if I don't enjoy it would I want it? I can't get as turned on as when I am watching porn cause when I watch porn I imagine myself being the one dominating and taking all the pleasure, leaving nothing for the other. Because that's just how sex is, and it's the male who has that role. When watching I can imagine being in that position, but when in real life, I am the one from who it's being taken. It makes me wish I was a guy again :(

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I will go back and read the other thread.

    What you are getting wrong is that being the one being dominated means you get no pleasure, that pleasure is taken from you. When I had sex with FWB anally, I took the pleasure from it, and had orgasms, when it has been with a man, I have taken that pleasure just the same; it was mine to take, and he could not stop me, just as he took pleasure from me and I could not stop him.

    So we each take pleasure from the other; a better way to look at it is that he is trying to give you pleasure when he penetrates you, not take it from you; but you are refusing to take from him ( you won't accept his gift) He accepts your gift of pleasure, you give it when you offer him your vagina for sex. YOU GIVE IT, but YOU WON'T ACCEPT IT in return. You know why you do this, for just the same reason as I do, only I have a way out, I'm female in the head so it no longer matters to me, and I have anal sex, which was not affected by the rape. I may have to try to find a way round it for a future partner.

    I know you will say I shouldn't have to but I would if it meant having someone in love with me, rather than being alone forever. She would have to accept Alicia, though thats my only deal breaker, the way my body is, or how i have to use it for her, it's not as important as having my mind accepted.

    I know it's unfair sweetie how hard it is for you, but you make it harder with the parameters you set, you quantifiy and cross compare that which cannot be treated so. Is it so much less for a fish to swim the oceans, than a bird to fly the skies. I keep saying this but it is you who detemines how much pleasure you feel, it's not a gender thing, you know other women on here like Terri who cum easily, because they are open to it, and explore other ways to have pleasure too. Again like Terri who gets the most from anal sex.

    I'm going to read the other thread now, I will be back latter. Hugs sweetie xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    But I don't want to "offer my vagina for sex" see.

    I wosh I could take pleasure from sex. I can't even feel satisfied by the parts that are ok and that are there for my pleasure only.

    1472785315
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I know you don't want to offer your vagina, but thats what penetretive sex is, with in the confines of a loving relationship. You have been through a lot Mamz, and it's changed your mind around, you are not in that old relationship anymore; but you are still in it in your mind !!. Do you really want to change it back ? You have said you don't want to give up. Do you want me to keep trying to help you?

    I''m not sure that you even know what you want; only I think it's having an impact on your life, and your studies.

    1472785812
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    It is having an impact, yes.

    And no, I don't even know what I want. I want to enjoy sex but I don't want to gove myself and get nothing in return. It has nothing to do with my bf, it's more about life. I don't know if I can ever get that. I fear of giving myself if i'm not getting anything in return. It's how it's always been abd I don't want that again. I just don't know where this is going. I don't know if it's possible for me to enjoy sex as I intend to.

    I'm about to get the strap on so maybe it'll help with that.

    But the issue is, how can I ever get there if sex is not appealing to me and does not turn me on? How could I ever get to be turned on by it, I don't feel this thibg can change.

    Yes I like your help. I just don't know where ts's going at the moment. Even if I decide on giving up I'll need your help to cope with the idea that it'll never get better

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