• Overcoming performance issues

    1459122308
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    Thanks Sxleksaker, I guess sometimes I tend to forget that the only thing that's important is that we love each other.

    You're so right. At the end of the day you love each other and care how each other is feeling and want each other to be fulfilled and happy. Try to relax and just enjoy being together. All relationships go through peaks and troughs but sticking together, talking things through and weathering the storms just makes you stronger as a couple.
    1459122346
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi alone4ever, it's been a while.

    I feel a little bit less focussed on how the guy feels than the last time we talked. A little time has passed and for almost a week I have had absolutely no interest in sex. Then, one time as we were cuddling and talking about all this, Something happened and we both felt better (something made us understand each other's reaction to the situation better), and we strated feeling turned on by the idea of trying to make things good. It simply failed and neither of us came, but it got me concerned about my ability to come through oral. Since then I'm not thinking about the men's pleasure because I feel I have bigger issues (not being able to orgasm with my partner at all anymore). But yes, the thing that's preventing me from being able to enjoy sex is still the same; i'm afraid I am not gonna feel satisfied.

    How can one give up satisfaction? It is not something brought by kissing or holding hands.

    1459122380
    Gem276 [sign in to see picture]
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    I can totally relate to you Mamz, I can struggle to orgasm all to frequently, it's definitely mental and if you could orgasm through oral before then you definitely will again!

    Aside from the brilliant advice you have had so far I find that when I'm getting close then I ask him to talk dirty to me as it distracts my mind as well as bring sexy! The filthier the better!!

    I also have been recommended Durex Play O orgasm gel! Mine will arrive on Weds but the reviews look good and I'm hoping it'll remover the pressure in my head x

    1459122646
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Gem276 wrote:

    I can totally relate to you Mamz, I can struggle to orgasm all to frequently, it's definitely mental and if you could orgasm through oral before then you definitely will again!

    Aside from the brilliant advice you have had so far I find that when I'm getting close then I ask him to talk dirty to me as it distracts my mind as well as bring sexy! The filthier the better!!

    I also have been recommended Durex Play O orgasm gel! Mine will arrive on Weds but the reviews look good and I'm hoping it'll remover the pressure in my head x

    I am glad to know I am not alone. I hope you get to overcome this and that the orgasm gel does help. I have tried a gel and a balm but both don't work for me and can't offer the pleasure ganrantee that I need.

    Distracting the mind is a good idea, but I am not into dirty talk. The kind of talk that works for me is when he tells me how much he wants to give me pleasure and get me to scream and things like that, but I don't think it would help in that situation.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't give up on romance and sensual experiences, don't let what anyone else has, make you give up because it doesn't happen for you right now. I told you once to focus on each moment, to focus on love; I'm so glad you still love one another. This may seem a harsh thing to say but love is that bird in your hand, and you are in danger of squeezing it too hard.

    Even when you get back to sex, don't put so much negative thoughts through your mind, yes you are giving your OH pleasure, but it is your mind that is stopping you enjoying it. Think of now as training for your future, let yourself feel pleasure in the fact that you are giving pleasure to the (man you love) not so random one nighter. I know you were forced to endure sex with you first partner, that you resigned your self to the fact that it was happening, but you are not with him now.

    You denied yourself of feeling anthing to protect your mind from what he did to you, denied him the pleasure of him giving you pleasure, it was the only way you had to get back at him. Now is the time to let go of that shield of protection, and let yourself be with your lovely new man.

    The orgasms will come when you are ready, but you must give yourself the time it takes, there is no quick fix, and yes it will take a lot of effort; but don't throw in the towel and say impossible, keep going slowy. I think I have said this to you before but take baby steps and don't throw the toy out of the pram.

    you are both so young, I know we live in a I want it now culture, but you have love in your life, I'm well over twice your age and I have never know love. So you are already one step ahead of me, but I'm still in the race. NO THOUGHTS OF WHATS THE POINT IF I CAN'T ORGASM. This is about feeling love for each other in every touch, take the pleasure from any aspect of your intamacy and it will add up to quite a bit, if he's the man you say he is.

    But you must let go of these negative thoughts, when you have them write them down on paper and serimoniously burn them; consign them to the dust where they belong.

    You can do this hunni, I know you can. hugs xx

    1459125560
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone4ever and Era, you are so helpful to me! thanks for trying to help me with every issue I come up with.

    Era if you have any other advide on bondage I will happily take them.

    Aloneforever, I don't know how you do this but everytime you say something you make me face my situation in a very harsh way while comforting me at the same time.

    This v

    alone4ever wrote:

    [...]

    The orgasms will come when you are ready, but you must give yourself the time it takes, there is no quick fix, [...]

    This is about feeling love for each other in every touch, [...]

    But you must let go of these negative thoughts, when you have them write them down on paper and serimoniously burn them; consign them to the dust where they belong.

    You can do this hunni, I know you can. hugs xx

    it makes me sentimental. feeling close to my lover and sharing love through touch and pleasure is what I want but we are so far from that right now because of all that performance thing.

    Plus the idea of burning those thoughts, wow. I think it could be even more effective than when you told me to have a chakra because it is easier to get rid of the old thoughts than to trying to replace them. And burning them is so symbolic. Only the idea of it makes me feel better. I would feel purified from all those negative thoughts.

    And am I right if I say that it seems to me like you actually have actually known love in the past? With your first, just like me. You loved her but she hurt you so bad that you are now protecting yourself too. Could I be right?

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I have tried a gel and a balm but both don't work for me and can't offer the pleasure ganrantee that I need.

    Thats a negative, qualified by and locked by the need for a guarantee; LET GO OF THIS NEED TO GUARANTEE AN ORGASM, you are squeezing the little bird again.

    If you could orgasm from oral then give yourself permission to do so, don't blame your OH for over focusing on this aspect. He found a way for you to orgasm at some point during sex, to focus on you; so let him do this for you. Your mind is telling you that you are cumming from oral, when what you really want is to come from vaginal sex, so you have discontinued oral orgasms, as a distaction to your goal. All on a subconcious level; now you have lost that part of your sexual pleasure to.

    Take a step back and if you must focus on something, let your OH give you oral; and let yourself enjoy the sensations, FORGET ORGASMS YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM INTO EXISTANCE. Just be in that moment and take it for what it is; which is phsical pleasure. You must let yourself feel satisfaction from even that, in the end to use a metafore whether you eat the bar of chocolate one lick a a time or stuff the whole bar in your mouth at one go; you have still eaten the equivalent of one chocolate bar.

    Your OH maybe needs to learn to multi task during sex, and keep his attention on you, and perhaps for go his own climax during vagina sex, for a while, when you get back to that point. there are other ways for him to get off. just as you are going to need to accept and learn to love other ways to orgasm. As I have told you I have switched my main focus to being pegged, now it's become more for me than vaginal sex ever was; that I am saving for if I ever find love.

    1459126597
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Even if we had sex we still aren't to the point where he can cum from it, we both would feel horrible if he did. Instead, he can come anyother way and we are both ok with that.

    One time I thought that maybe it would be a good thing to let go on orgasms for a while, not only mine but his too. He didn't agree and was like "I am not the one stuggling to orgasm, I don't see how it would help, we have to focus on giving you an orgasm instead of keeping me from having one. But if that's really what you want, we can try it". Needless to say we didn't because he obviously didn't want to (and his answer was very frustrating for me, but after we talked about it I understand that it was not in to be mean or to blame me for anything).

    But I still don't know how I could feel ok with not comming when he does (I mean, I never and he always). 

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    mamz, I really do want to help you, but I need to find a way of doing so without sharing too much personal detail about me on here. I am not comfortable in sharing too much not because of who I am, but because of Lovehoney's copyright policy (I don't want to seize them rights of my story).

    1459128003
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Love is coin with two sides, so yes I loved my first, but I don't believe that she ever loved me back.

    she was like a lioness that I cut from a poachers trap. I tended her wounds, and made her strong and confident again, then she took to maulling me in revenge for that done to her by her first love.

    I loved her so much, and she ripped out my heart, so that now I don't know how to love someone. I don't consider that we were in love, I suppose thats why I say I have never known love, because I have never recieved it back; to love and not be loved is slavery of the worst kind.

    Then 7 or so years ago I met another woman, the first in 25 years, I had learned to allow a woman to touch me by then, and I had know her for years, and I let her push me into sex. Which was just fingering her, as thats all I could do, thats all I ever did with her. we never went on dates; she was alwaya too busy going drinking with the girls. I had llet myself become an unpaid escourt. She would do very little for me, and in the end after spending 4 hours blowing her mind, I was tired, and just asked for a back rub, and she said no !!!! So I said it was over.

    Now my FWB has vanished, she brought her girlfriend with her thhe last time, I saw her, now shes vanished, her girl friend is still around but I don't feel right starting anything with the girlfriend, though she seems willing. Thats why I havn't been around I feel in a mood, and i tend to moan when I'm in a mood

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    Sorry you're having such bad luck with ladies, alone4ever... :(

    1459128151
    Sweet Cherries [sign in to see picture]
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    I struggle with this stuff too mamz. Used to orgasm from oral, now no longer do. When I don't have sex I don't want it, I don't even want him to turn me on so I can want it. Used to orgasm from his hands, now no longer do. It seems like a chore to me, like I 'owe' him because we are married but that makes me angry.

    I would love for him to dominate me, I took a test on a bdsm site and I'm 92% submissive which is really no shock at all. But he won't. Or I don't think he will. Plus with the kids we don't have time. We have absolutely no way of getting a babysitter.

    Even masturbating since I was doing really well has stopped.

    Idk, I don't have anything to offer. Just wanted to say, been there, done that, still there, got the t-shirt.

    I was abused sexually as a child so.. That aspect too.

    It makes me feel less like a freak to know there are others so maybe if it helps you too?

    You're a lovely person, I hope things get better xx

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    Sweet Cherries, you should edit your post. Life at LH starts at age 18, sorry, but they take this rule very seriously and if you don't edit, they will!

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    era wrote:

    mamz, I really do want to help you, but I need to find a way of doing so without sharing too much personal detail about me on here. I am not comfortable in sharing too much not because of who I am, but because of Lovehoney's copyright policy (I don't want to seize them rights of my story).

    Are you here now?

    I era I will do what I can, sorry for leaving you to this for a while, you sound as if you may be wanting to write an auto biography, so I can understand you not wanting to revieal too much. Let me take this with Mamz, the worst that can happen to me is someone recognising me, and getting nasty in the real world, because I'm not a normal straight guy, I haven't lied about exs so they have nothing to say.

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    alone4ever, I will figure something out. Meanwhile, I am glad you are here, you give out very sound advice to her. :)

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry era I'm locked out before I got to see you post in the over lap

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    Don't worry about it! I will be off to bed now, time to sleep for me. Good night!

    1459129855
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Sweet cheries it does help to know that i'm not alone. I would like to help you too if I could. It is so frustrating though to see that the people who struggle the most almost all have an history of abuse. It makes me so angry and it makes me want to save the world, but I have to save myself first.

    Era and alone4ever, I don't want to be a chore to you. Don't feel like it's a duty to answer my post or give advices. Don't take that on your shoulders. I apreciate the fact that you want to help me but you don,t have to if it's hard for you. I know I can be really depressing, espacially for someone affected by the subject. I don't want to get you tired or depressed guys. I love you so much I don't want to get you exausted or make you risk revealing your identity.

    Era I also have to say that your advide on this post is really apreaciated and really helpful. Thanks for offering your help. I am thinking about a way to talk to my bf about some of the things you suggested.

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    VABarnes [sign in to see picture]
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    Can I ask if you've considered taking yourself out of the equation? It sounds funny but hopefully it'll make sense if I explain.

    It sounds to me like you have built up resentment or men being able to have orgasim easily, by default even if you haven't realised it you are resentful of him because of his ability to orgasm. So take you away from that.

    Try having a session focused on him. It sounds utterly mad but your thinking too much.

    You are thinking too much about you and your lack of orgasim. So take it off the table. Be selfish in an unselfish way. You mentioned you have a fantasy about BDSM. Well have you considered taking the reigns with that? Why not surprise him with a blindfold. Explore his body and learn how to get turned on mentally by what you are doing to him? But set limit make the rule that you will not get touched for an orgasim. Tell him you get pleasure from watching his pleasure at what you do to him. It'll relax him and secure his knowledge that intimacy is okay and stop him from feeling self conscious about his ability to please you. With that it opens a few doors. For one if he enjoyed the control being taken away you have the ability to slip it in on your direction. "You know what I did to you with the blindfold... I want you to do it to me." Removing his fear of hurting you because youve shown him its pleasureable. Or on the flip side you might find you enjoyed the control and if he's willing to do it again you have the ability to tell him how to touch you in a different context, he'll be rewarded for finding the right spots, you get to tell him as the controller and not the girlfriend.

    Its amazing what a little mental shift can do.

    I think if you can relax him it'll relax yourself.

    On the flip side of that after giving him a his only session you can have a you only session taking away the resentment of his orgasim. Then you can use what you have both learnt about your own and each others body's in a joint session.

    Just my thoughts.

    Its how my husband and I got over something similar in our sex life. (I also was abused) our sex life was fantastic after working on it. But what I learnt was key was being able to appreciate his orgasim and not hate it. We now have a whole new problem to work on. (He has asthma) but for six years these tricks were what kept us going.

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    Ok, still here. Don't be silly, it is not a chore. What I post on the forum is always well thought out, I never partake in any conversation if I don't want to. I guess I just want to help you so badly because I can relate to what you feel and how you think and I have overcome it. So now I'm a bit tired, but I will be back with more advice when I can think more clearly. You are also free not to take it, I don't mind. Just filter anything that can be useful to you and never mind the rest. :)

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