• Overcoming performance issues

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Haha I too knew that you'd know I would say that. I'm just sad for her and it makes me angry as too many guys are like that. It's unfair cause girls couldn't even do that if they wanted too as it's too hard for them to orgasm anyway.. aarrggg

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to say you are wrong there sweetie, girls can do that. Well my ex did, she would push me back to be sat on to the sofa, she would un zip my jeans, climb on, get herself off, then get up and walk off, leaving me to zip up. She wouldn't even stop the first time, when I told her the zip was hurting me, she just said don't be a baby, I never said a word to her after that, each time she did it.

    That was kind of the start of it all.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

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    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    Lots of hugs to you Alicia ❤️ I understand it's tough to think about, I get the same feeling you have when I think about my experience. You are strong 😘

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

    A big hug from me Alicia....you're stronger than you think hun xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sxleksaker wrote:

    Lots of hugs to you Alicia ❤️ I understand it's tough to think about, I get the same feeling you have when I think about my experience. You are strong 😘

    Thanks, for the hugs, heres some for you too, I"m so sad theres some many of us on here, makes me angry too.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri JJ wrote:

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

    A big hug from me Alicia....you're stronger than you think hun xx

    Thanks Terri, I hope I am, it just seems to never go away though. I just hate how so many people don't want to hear about the subject, or should I say men, not people.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so sorry Ali, It's all my fault. Big hugs :'(

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It's OK, Mamz, it's something I'm going to have to find a way to deal with, anyway. Just call it a lesson in not generalising, it will help you to realise that it's not a black and white thing, just like you learned about rape. But yes men do own the biggest share of guilt for such things, though more and more men are coming forward with stories like mine.

    I understand your reaction because it was mine too, when I read it.

    And hugs for you too sweetie, such things as that thread still hurt you, and I don't like that. I chose to tell you what happened to me, because you needed to hear it, and I know it will sink in coming from me. For that it was worth it, and I would do it all over again for you. So smile for me, I hated to make you feel you hurt me, but it was the only thing I could do.

    You know I say what is on my mind, just like you, so don't stop telling me things, because you may say something that may resonate with me.

    Love Ali baby, xx ( I loved it when you came out with that nick name, it made me smile)

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    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    You ladies are all strong, beautiful and inspirational people and to share your experiences so openly the way you do with each other and the rest of us is a lesson in life that we could all do with learning.

    Communication is the key with most things whether it be something we want to hear or not, and to be able to accept each others opinions, even if we don't agree with them, is another valuable asset so many people need to acquire.

    Again, I cannot offer words of wisdom, but I do regularly follow this thread.

    Love, hugs and good vibes to you all xxx

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    Connor0267 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree 100% with lovingnewtoys. I just recently started reading some of this thread. You ladies are awesome and strong, and I admire you all! I wish you all the very best in life and you all have all my hugs I could ever offer and even a shoulder to cry on 😢 You all take care! 😘

    1472259446
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD I'm feeling down again.

    I'm still in the idea that a girl taking advantage of a guy (in a consentual way) is also taken advantage of, while the opposite isn't true. And I feel like I'm lying to myself about dildos. I can't like them, why would I?

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel used

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry I've missed this thread lately, life getting in the way. I didn't mean to neglect you lasses.

    Hope youre feeling but better now Ali baby? (loved it when Mamz nicknamed you that also, it's so sweet) 😊 just because I've not posted here for awhile doesn't mean I'm not reading the thread whenever I notice new posts. So I'm silently lurking when not being vocal on here.

    It's infuriating how many of us have had these horrific ordeals. It's scary how common rape is, I don't understand how so many folk do it? And as for the abused becoming the abuser statement, that infuriates me. I could never imagine inflicting such an atrocity on anybody, id never dream of it. So I don't get how folk who've been through it decide to rape others. It makes me so mad and angry 😳

    Okay, stuff has been playing on my mind tonight so I'm angry and rambling on, so I'll put a sock in it. Lol! Sending you hugs Alicia 💜xx

    Mamz - where's this all coming from? Dildos were your favourite toys and now you've started over thinking and came to the conclusion you can't like them, when I'm pretty sure you do. Chin up sweetie, it'll get better 💜xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    What's hapened Mamz, besides the car crash ? Or is this some how an emotional after effect of the crash. What has made you feel used ?

    I don't understand what you mean either about the girl taking advantage thing, or the dildos. I would be just guessing. Can you say more sweetie, open up a bit.

    When you do these short messages it scares me a little, because it tells me you are in a bit of a state.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Where it's comming from: my bf was telling me about his friend who broke up with his girlfriend. Apparently, she was still having sex with her ex. My thought was "why would she do that? she has nothing to get from it except attention. Is she so manipulated that she doesn't even realise that she's having sex with them because THEY want to, not her?"

    and from there I went back to "sex is only benefic for boys, I feel nothing out of it, etc"

    Plus later on I spoke to my bf about the strap on thing, and he sais that he thought about it and he is afraid he is going to feel used and doesn't think it's consistant with me not wanting to have sex because I get nothing from it and feel used but wanting him to use a dildo on me so he feels nothings while I do". After a few explainations he says he still wants to try it but It's the exact situation I was fearing. I feel he doesn't want to try it, but agrees on it because he know I want it. It's not gonna work out if he doesn't want it himself too.

    Is that enough info? the "I can,t get anything from a dildo" is part of the "sex is not for me it's only for men" thing, and the girls can't use someone for sex because it's them who are being used" also comes from there.

    The feeling used is a general feeling. I had a general feeling about sex that was "I'm being used in this" no mather who I am having it with. Like the base of sex is me being used. it's not a nice feeling.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't know what's going on with your bf's friend, and his ex, only what your bf has told you. She may really enjoy sex, and they have decided that they will still have sex, until one of them meets someone new, rather than do the casual sex with others thing, which is risky because of Sti's. This mind set you have does not apply to every woman out there, there are women on here who are far more sexual than their partners, and enjoy sex much more than their men. She has chosen to continue having sex with her ex, I think it's highly unlikely that he has some how manipulated her in to this, it's what they both want, and while it's not usual it's not unheard of.

    I keep trying to tell you thats this is about how you feel because of what you have been through, not some general thing that happens to all women. Look at what has happened to me, at the hands of women, it's about the person, not what gender they are, both males and females are capable of being the used one, as well as the user of others. Someone is only being used when they have no say in how they get pleasure, and the other does not care if they get pleasure or not as long as they get what they want. You are struggling because your mind won't let you feel pleasure, and your are trying to get that back, the only way for you to do that is to have sex and try and break through the block; which effectively means you having sex and feeling nothing much internally. So it's only to expected for you to feel this way.

    I thought it was good that you decided to try the strapon thing with your bf, but it seems he is not, and that makes me angry, I won't say more because this is your relationship. But I fully understand how you must now feel, especially as you seemed to have pinned so much hope on it. I thought he understood how it would ease your mind on the men get more pleasure than you feeling you have. I think people should be honest about how they feel to each other, but I don't know how this could possibly make him feel used.

    Good sex is inerrantly a thing of mutual pleasure, both must give their body for the others pleasure, so in one sense you you use each other, it's only when this becomes one sided that it feels bad. You need total support and understanding from your bf to stop you feeling this way; and sometimes you say you don't feel he is using you for sex, but this feeling is still trapped in you. You need constant reasurance not just in words, but in behaviour too.

    Please try not to drag inanimate objects like dildos into your mind set, you take all the pleasure you need from a dildo, thats it's reason for being; it feels nothing, and cannot stop you from having pleasure. You are pushing this in to the realms of a woman must not feel sexual pleasure by any means. This is so damaging for you to think like this; only you get to decide if you feel pleasure , it's no ones right to deny you this, no matter what they say. Please be your own woman, and feel what you want to feel, not what society or anyone else says your should feel. Those days are gone, please be one of the women who set themselves free of this.

    Penetration is only the tip of what sex is about, you two should be making the most of everything else that being intimate with someone you love is about. Have you worked together on finding the things that give you intimate pleasure, both individually and as a couple.

    Hang in there Mamz, try to keep telling yourself, that it's the person that makes it being used, and not the act it's self. Sex is not you being used, only the other person being bad with you, and not caring about you, can make it being used. And you are not with a bad man, he's just not coping too well with your problem; I know it's hard that he doesn't get you sometimes, but you know he loves you, and cares for you. Just be glad that he's honest with you, thats worth a lot. People are often doing things for a loved one that isn't their personal ideal, and as long as it works both ways, and no one is doing something that hurts them, thats fine, it's called compromise, and it's the foundation of a relationship; lifes all about give and take; sex is no different.

    Love and hugs Ali,xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You know the problem is I can't see why a women would enjoy sex. Maybe she thinks the does, but her mate enjoys it more. No need to me abuse to be used. To me, from the moment one enjoys something more (and knows it and is still willing to do it anyway) where it's said that "both should like it" (my a**), one is using the other. It doesn't need to be done willingly. I know my bf doesn't want to use me but I still feel like he does because he enjoys sex more, and if I am giving myself to him and he is the only one enjoying it, then he used my body.

    I really can't see how I could feel pleasure during sex. I do feel something but it's nothing compared to what a man should feel. Based on that I think that women who say they enjoy sex have low standards and think that this sensation is great, when they don't realise the male is having way more fun.

    You can tell me what makes you angry about my bf.

    I am realizing that I am really bad to reword his sayings as it always come across like he's an a*hole but he's not. I can try to explain it better.

    First, his reaction was 'I think it is a good idea" because he understood that it could help get rid of the "men feel more pleasure aspect".

    Then, with the time, his mind worked the idea a bit. I must admit that I've been hiding the fact that I like dildos to him, because it would make him feel like I am lying when I say I don't like sex, or he would feel like it's him who's the problem, not the act itself. He would also have even more trouble understanding me and how I think. So not knowing that I like dildos and that I was also asking this because I would like him to use a dildo on me and doing it that way would allow the same connection as if we were making love, and it would emotionnally feel like it was him but without the "being used" feeling. He was bugging on the fact that I don't want to have penetrative sex with him because he would enjoy it more physically. He thought "how can you not want to have sex because of me feeling more pleasure, and feel used when it's the case, but want me to use a strap on on you so you can be the only one to feel anything and get physical pleasure, as you'd then be the one using me". I don,t know if you understand. It's a bit complicated and abstract but it's the best I can explain. The contradiction of 1. me not wanting him to enjoy sex more vs me wanting to be the only one enjoying it with a strap on, 2. me saying I hate penetration but asking him to penetrate me with a dildo instead of his penis 3. me saying it's not his fault if I don't like penetration and then asking him to penetrate me with a dildo, all make it problematic in his mind.

    I then admited that I like using dildos on my own (and said it in a really confuse way like "I think I like it" and he was like what do you mean, and I was like "well I think I like it, but it would be impossible, I can,t like it, why would I?" and told him why I didn't tell him that before. Then I explained to him a bit more in details why I want him to penetrate me using a strap on, and I think he now understands better. He's still not 100% sure about the idea, but is willing to try it. He says he may feel use but is never going to know if we don't try at least once. I think this may still need a bit more communication. You know I don,t think it's gonna be successull if he's not 100% into it, just like I am.

    Plus I think this may be relevent: He had never told me that in the past, but when he was with his ex, he kind of felt used too. She's never been abusive to him though. It was more of a mindset and a pressure from our society or something. He felt like she was the one enjoying sex the most, and that he was only there to bring her to orgasm a couple time before he finally could finally enjoy it himself too. I don't know if you understand. If you do, now add a strap on to the equation, pretty bad idea eh?

    He is always ok witht rying things I want to try. He is always open to the ideas even if sometimes he doesn't get the reason or why it could be enjoyable. He only needs to be explained so his mind opens more and he can finally get the point of it. I know he is bad sometimes and doesn't understand all what the issue implies, but he is always willing to try to make it better and he really does care for me and love me. He's just bad at supporting me in it. It's not even compromises, in his case it's just learning. the more he learns about me and how my mind works, and my issue, the better he is coping with it and the more open he is about all that. The fact that he is never excited about trying things I want to try is still a mather of learning.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    This is the trouble with talking like this, it's hard to get across the way things are, because things are usually far more complex than things at first seem. I understand more of your bf now.

    So you can see from what he says that it's not all about woman being used, I keep saying this but it should be taken on a person by person basis. You know how that woman about 7 years ago treated me, how the ony thing I was to her was "something to make her cum", she knew I couldn't even get aroused. She didn't care if I got nothing from it, she wouldn't even rub my back in exchange for 4 hours of giving her pleasure.

    You don't know what a man feels I do, but you don't belive me. Please let go of this comparison between what a man feels and what a woman feels, it the bars of your prison. And this may semm harsh , but please don't demean the pleasure that women who enjoy sex feel, and say they have low standards, thats down right rude, and not at all what I would expect from you, I'm ashamed of you Mamz.

    And yes you do often say things about your bf that paint a less than pleasant picture, but I know you get overwrought and you usually come back and reword it, give more info, but I can only go on the words you use. Your last paragraph explains him better to me, and your relationship; please be aware that you do often use words and phrases that give the impression that you have had enough of him, and my instinct is to defend and protect you.

    Above is the first time I have ever had to tell you off, I"m not sure how I feel about having to do that.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You're right babe. Sorry for being like that.
    Either I think "it's impossible for a woman to be pleasured" or "it's unfair, howcome some women can enjoy sec and I get nothing from it". The first option probably being the second one but hidden.

    I feel you don't understand that I am speeking about consensual sex though.
    Also, sorry for saying that, but you din't know how sex feels for a man. You know how it feels for a woman in a man's body, so of course you don't like it.

    I get fed up of my bf sometimes, but don't get me wrong, we love eachother and are great together. He's a good person and never has bad intentions, I only find it hard dealibg with hin sometimes. I'm even harder to deal with so. I know you know he's great anyways. Your deep feeling about him is right. I often speak out of hanger on here so it's tinted sometimes. Of course when we fight and I am mad at him i am gonna sound like he's bad :P but we're the kind of couple who love each other so much that we could just hug and kiss in the middle of a fight that gets too intense.

    You know i am bad at expressing myself anyways, and I often shorten it up because to me it's all clear abd logical but I forget that other may need more info because they're not in my mind and don't think the way I do (and don't even know all the info haha). Sorry about that. You still can tell le what made you angry. And thanks for wanting to protect me.

    Love you

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