• Overcoming performance issues

    1468898238
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I had already read it and didn,t even see it as you did. I have read it when it was first posted and I was planning on commenting after souper but i waited a little more so that all that anger from what happened with my "man" had cleared out a little.

    Is swearing not allowed on the forums? I should have another read at the rules then. Or I could switch to french.. I'm just so angry and lost

    1468899567
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You were venting not swearing at someone so it will get over looked, but yeah swearing is not really allowed.

    I think I told that guy kind of what you where telling your bf, but with a calmer tone.

    Do you feel better for blowing off some steam, you sounded like i did with that woman I was with about 7 years ago, made me feel like a right slut, she did; you would have been proud of me, for standing up for myself. She was gob smacked if you get that phrase in French, it means being shocked by someones verbal out pourings, hit in the mouth in other words, speachless.

    I'm here for you anyway hunni, not that, that can change things for you. Sorry I got over emotional earier over the weekend, I just get a bit insecure, my girl friends, not the ones I want to be with, but the sisters, have all but one, left me alone, and I blame me, I do tend to say what i'm feeling, being so honest can be a bit much for most people. I'm just so glad you straightened me out. I'm sorry.

    I'm angry and lost too, my therapist used to say yeh you have been lost for a long time, like I was boring her, and I used to think and yeh you have never been raped, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    1468908613
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Oops you're right, I feel bad now for not calming down before I posted. (Sorry Leanne I didn't meant to break the rules :S)

    You're right, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself in front of that girl.

    And I am sorry you felt like we've abandoned you, but know you didn't. Without wanting to sound means that reminds me a bit of a young girl being insecure and thinking that her boyfriend does not love her when he is not around or if he doesn't say I love you everyday. You know what I mean? Just because we were not on the forum for a few days does not mean we are leaving you and that we don,t like you or accept you anymore. We still love you just as much and you don't even know how bad I felt when I realised that my absence made you feel like that. I guess blaming yourself is a normal reaction when you've been thaught that in a psychologically violent and manipulative relationship. It's a really well known issue, the abuser uses that (willingly or not) so the other feels worthless and stays with them. Don,t be what your abuser made of you. Show her how se was wrong about you and how strong you are. Show her that you know your worth and that you won't let other people set your value. Know that yes, some people come and go, but some are also there so stay (I may go one day when I am a doctor and have no time to be on the forum, we don,t know for now), and even when people go, most of the time it's not "your fault", it's just the way of life.

    If I ever sound or make you feel like one of your awfull therapist please virtually punch me in the face. If I ever become that insensitive I want someone to have me open my eyes. I understand what you mean though. Sometimes (like earlier) I whish my bf was a gf so he could understand what I am talking about when I talk about sexism and how bad society is towards women. He just can't see that yes maybe he isn't the worse and don't agree with most of that crap (I am allow to say crap am I ?) but he still doesn,t understand that there is some details remaining that when put together makes that society so bad and mygonystic. I think maybe if he would've ever been harrased or feeling pressured by society or by a (or multiple) partner(s) he would understand where I am comming from and he wouldn't think it's only because I've been used in sexual ways in the past. Most women can relate cause they have lexperienced at least one of these in their lives, but a lot of men don,t even understand cause they'll never have to deal with such things. (frustrating)

    Before I wrote the first post, we fought. Then I wrote the post while he was at the gym, them when he came back we fought again harder and we were both even more exausted. We didn't really ended the fight with a verbal consensus but I guess we just both let it go a bit as we say it wasn,t going nowhere and that we just wanted the fighting to stop so we could love each other instead.

    I am still lost about sex. I feel like I would want to have great sex with him, that would be amazing for both of us (but especially for myself as I have been missing it for so long) but I just don't know if it is possible. I don't if I am idealizing something that is just supposed to be crap for me because I don,t have a penis. I also don,t know why I would want him to penetrate me, why I would want the kind of sex that,s made to make men cum when I know I am not entitled to get much from it. Maybe I am just inconsously integrating what society is telling us is right (sex centered around the white hetero and cis male).

    1468923575
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Nothing constructive to add for you guys - sorry.

    But please both accept massive huggles and cuddles from me - its all I have to offer xx

    1468960406
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks LNT

    1468967336
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks LNT. it means such a lot to have someone care how I feel; well how both of us feel. Please don't feel sorry for feeling you have nothing to say, that you feel will help, because, well you just did help, and you have before; a number of times. Sometimes it feels like me and Mamz, look into our mirrors of the soul, thousands of miles apart, and see the other looking back. And more than that I get to have a daughter, and be a mom (all be it adoptive), I'm just a bit insecure in that role, and scared of messing up, because it means so much to me. It's like having my greatest wish granted.

    Huggles ( i like that a mix of hug and cuddle) are so nice to have, especially as there is no one outside of this virtual world that cares enough to give me one, let alone accept me as I am, as you do.

    You can have huggles from me anytime you need them hun, xx

    1468976403
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia, please tell me it'll go away. I feel like it's a weight I'll always carry and that all I can do is learn to live with it. But I don't want to live with it. I feel like I still belong to that guy who's been abusive to me as long as I have not found that fullfilling sex life I am after. I don,t want him to have possession over me. I want myself to own it, not my ex, not my bf. I wish I could just turn the page and start again but I can't even start from where it screwed up because I,ve never had anything before that.

    1468989303
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    What I can tell you is that it is you who has the power to make it go away, and it's about you feeling you have control, in your life, and love. It started for me with my first, there was no one before her, not even a kiss, or a date with someone, so I understand, we have that in common too; but you already knew that.

    When I was with my first she had control, she turned me against my own family, so I would have no one to turn to but her. When she grew tired of me, she threw me out of her house, I had no choice but to go home to my mom, because I didn't earn enough to move away. My mom didn't want to have a man in her life, she just wanted me to provide that emotional support. And that was the condition of me having a home to live in, so she had control of me. I told you she wouldn't let me find someone to love, she said I had her and that should be enough for me.

    When she passed, I got to have my own home, her home, so I got some control back. Then I got together with an old friend, and for a couple of weeks as we dated I felt free, I had my own business, so had a little money, and started to fall for this new woman. She soon wanted sex, I resisted but felt I had no choice or I would loose her, because she said it was very important to her to have sex. But sex was impossible for me, so I gave her oral and manual sex, and touched her and kissed her, she said as no other had done before me. I could only enjoy anal sex, which she did not want to do for me after the first time, as she said it felt dirty, but she liked me to give her anal.

    So I did this for a couple of months, during this time just about the only time I would see her was after she had been out with girl friends drinking, she let it slip that she didn't want me along with her, because she liked to flirt with men when she was out drinking. I felt I had no choice but to go along with her. I started to feel used, and dirty again because I was only there to please her, I felt controlled, again. The only time she would let me kiss her was if she wanted sex, because she said when I kissed her she wanted nothing but for me to take her to bed and pleasure her, and if she didn't have time she didn't want me to turn her on by kissing her.

    I asked her one night after I had pleasured her for 4 hours if she would give me a massage, because I felt I needed to have some pleasure from her. I actually would have been happy for her just to do that for me, because I had got to kiss her, which of course she wouldn't let me do, once she had orgasmed. I had never asked her for anything for me before that night, but she said no; it would be too much effort, after her orgasm. I went home, she would not let me ever spend the night at hers, and she only ever stayed at mine once.

    The next day she phoned me, and I had been awake all night, upset, so when she said she wanted me to do something for her, I told her what I thought of her, so that was over.

    Then I got the job where I was bullied because I was bi, which was great to start with because I was earning a very good wage, I had power and control again, and was happy and free from the past again. Then the bullying started, and my control was taken away again, and so I had to leave, but no money again so I felt powerless and the past came back.

    The new job gave me power and control over my life again, I felt happy again, no past, then that was lost to me letting someone take my control away.

    All through that I have been struggling with my sexuallity, but I have found peace in myself over that on here. All that is missing is getting a job and financial control, If I never find love and acceptance of me as I am, and a sex life, then thats what is to be and I will be happy enough.

    My FWB was a meer 27 years old, and very very pretty, I lived a life time in a few months with her, and will always love her for that. She gave me control back by allowing me to give it to her, and feel safe, I felt loved and freed by someone I knew was living her own fantacy with me, even though I knew she did not and never would love me. We made love woman to woman.

    That freedom is mine again, if I find another Like her in spirt, who will love me as me. For now sex with someone is not important, I may not ever get horny, but then I never have, I kind of know what that is, but I can't say I have felt it. I feel tingles down stairs some times, but never some kind of uncontrolled urge to have sex. For a long time that tingle would make me feel like my skin was crawlling, now it's kind of irelivant. If I feel like my emotions are in a place where I'm able to arouse myself then I go do that, if I feel like it.

    Take control from your medical training, it will give you power in the end because you will have a good and respected, professional job and will need no one to support you, no one who will be able to control you that way.

    As for finding a satisfying fulfilling sex life, you take control of it, your ex does not have that power; you do, do not surender it to him, he is not in your life anymore, he is nothing, irrelevant. Take control by giving it to your bf (you do still love him?) Read Scorpius 12's post in the leash thread from the other night, she says the same.

    If you can feel safe to give over control to your bf, then you are not having it taken from you, it will empower you as I have said before, because you will have the power to take back that control at any time you choose. You can choose to enjoy a life with or without sex, you choose who you love. If you are secure in the knowleage that you are loved and not being used, then you can be free, set down how you want things to be with your bf. Put aside this concern with what pleasure he gets from you, and take from him what pleasure you want in what ever form you can get it. You don't use him, it's a two way street, you both find ways to enjoy each other, and yourselves.

    I have told you I cannot tell you what you will be able to have, I have no power to do that for you, and you know that if I had, I would have done it for you, months ago. That power is yours to take for yourself. If it helps do it because I want it for you so very much, but it's best to do it for yourself, though I know for me, it will be doing it for the woman I love, that will give me the strength to take back all that is mine. To me doing it for myself seems impossible and pointless, I need to give that part of me as a treasured gift, to anyone that will earn that right to have my trust.

    Take back what is yours Mamz, you have given it to a man that did not deserve it, he stopped taking it from you years ago, he cannot stop you from taking it back unless you give him that right. You are not going to do that are you hunni. Be strong for your mom, and your adoptive mom. You have the things you need to do it.

    I don't expect you to suddenly enjoy sex, you may choose not to have sex any more, but you must come to terms with your choice. Only when you are at peace with what you have now, sex or no sex, and accept it, and take what joy there is to be had, from other things during intamacy, will you stand a chance of getting sexual sensation back.

    I'm so sorry I can't make things better for you hunni, or promise that it will be that way, but I belive in you, and I belive you can do this for yourself. I have shown you at what points in the last 32 years it has gone away for me, and why it did, and why I know how I can leave it behind for good. But I have not had enough time free of it to stop it comming back. And have had several people make it come back for me, you have not had to go through that so I hope you will find it easier than I have. But what you did have that was bad was prolonged and intence for you, and I know you understand how such prolonged repeated exposure can be devestating, and have long lasting effects. So I know you understand that it will take prolonged effort to deprogram the mental protections you created.

    Use your mind to create possitive pathways to over write the old negative ones, use you love fro your bf to create them. Talk more to him, build possitive experiences together, try all the things I sugested to you in the post that you said I had given you heart. Type it out to read when ever you need to.

    I'm here for you, take strength it that, from your real mum, from your sister, or anyone else, that has a possitive impact on you. Does your family know what you have been through, you don't need to answer that to me. I didn't tell for over 20 years, to protect them, and it didn't help when I did, but I hope your family is better than mine, what you have spoken of your real mom tells me she would be strong for you.

    Take care sweetie, xxx PS I have insominia too ever since childhood. Its 4:30am here now. i'm going to try to get some sleep, my eyes are sleepy , but I know as soon as I lay down, I will come round again. Ah well, just have to wait for someone to cuddle me to sleep.

    1468993872
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    We definitely are alike. And I've too had insomnia since childhoos and it only gets better when I have someone to cuddle me.

    I have no difficulty taking control of my life in general, I only do with my sex life, I feel like it does not belong to me.

    yes I do still love my bf, and yes I,ve already read scorpius' comment and I though it sounded beautiful and inspiring. I do trust that I can give control to him, I trust him more than anything, and I know that he'll never cross my limit sexually because he is so caring.

    Whether I choose so have a sexless life of not, I feel like the decision isn't mine. I feel like there's a right thing to do, like I'm meant for something, or stuck with a destiny that I have no control over. Like I can choose to have sex again, but if I am not meant to ever feel pleasure in sex then what's the point? what more can I do? I feel like my life is a fatality.

    You say I'd maybe get a chance to get the sensations back, but did I really ever felt something? i,ve felt arousal a few times, but besides that, there's never been anything really great. Sex has never been that great for me, even when I could enjoy oral. I feel like I never really get much sensations from sex so why would that come back? and WHERE would it come back from?? Why would I ever even enjoy sex as much as he does? He says it's not that great for him either but I,m sure it's just because he is used to great sex and so his standards ae high, and not because it's not enjoyable for him too. I still don,t get the point of having sex if it's only to give my body so another person can feel pleasure, even if I love that person. That's the hardest part right now, cause I feel like wanting sex would mean that I want to have my body used for another one's pleasure while I get nothing at all (anf obviously that's not something I want at all)

    1469041811
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I have read. I need to think, I will post later.

    1469044023
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    No need to. I'm just really mixed up in my emotions. My bf is being a bit fed up with me overcomplicating everything with my sexual issues and anxiety and everything. I'm feeling a bit helpless in this but yesterday I still had the "at least we're gonna try together" thought. I don't know where it came from and how long it's gonna last.. :/

    1469216981
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't want to talk about it in case things would change again but right now things are great. Wanna keep you up to date a bit.

    I've decided to stop watching porn, and to masturbate with him instead. I've failed once.

    I started feeling like my bf was getting fed up a little with all that was in my mind (my anxiety, my overthinking about sex, etc). I let that sink in a bit and came out with the desire to get rid of it. I am now trying to live life with a "I don't care" philisophy and I feel like I'm slowlly getting better. I feel better about being exposed to germs, in fact I can almost tolere it (sometimes I can).

    Towards sex, I went back to a "let's try together" thinking. Yesterday, he gave me oral and I came really hard, and then later we tryed a vibrator together and I came hard again. Right now though, as I am typing this, a though jsut crossed my mind and it stays there... it's frustrating and how ironic. I tried the vibrator on him too and he thought it was too intense. I was ok with it at the moment but right now my mind just says "is his penis really that sensitive? of course sex feels better for him then". omg please life help me get rid of this thought...

    ps. I know orgasms aren't everything,  but we had a great time

    1469220929
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz - I'm super duper happy reading this post, it's bought tears of joy to my eyes 😊

    I really think it's a fantastic decision you've came to about stopping watching porn. It's not a realistic view of sex and being intimate.

    It's incredible that you've ditched the porn and are now masturbating with your boyfriend. This is such a massively, amazing step well in the right direction 😄 failures will occur, you know what they say - some wasn't built in a day. I'm so proud of you hunni, you've came leaps and bounds. I feel you're sister from a different mister (which I couldn't be prouder) 😙

    I'm sure your boyfriend wasn't getting sick, it's hurting him as much as it is you hunni and that's because he worships the ground you walk on (and nightly so. Hehe 😄).

    I'm loving your new philosophy. And I really want to cuddle you so you feel how proud I am. The years of you are streaming from me here. That's such a fantastic turn-around how you're not so much of a germaphobe anymore.

    I'm elated that you came really hard with your boyfriend through oral and with the vibrator too. That's such progress hunni. The future really does look bright 😙

    Just because he got those sensations from the vibrator doesn't mean sex is better for him. My oh gets nothing from vibes at all. So your boyfriend is obviously alot more sensitive to them, so please stress less press. It's just one of those things.

    Concentrate on the immense sensations you ft through oral and the vibrator. And please sweetie promise me you sold let these thoughts take over as you achieved something monumental just there 😙😙😙💟💟xxx

    1469221232
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    THat thought ruined my day so far :( I just can't get it out of my head. He says it's too intense but he also says that vibrators don,t do much for him, that can only mean that he is used to more sensations than I am and that he gets more pleasure from sex.

    I just can't tell him how I feel right now as I feel he'll go back into being tired of it all. Now all this is gone because of one single little insignifiant thought. damn.

    1469221240
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Glad about the porn thing, it over stimulates the brain, so it needs more to get turned on each time, use the best moments you have with your bf, I told you to keep a diary of such times, a while ago, please try. You can then both read them to turn you on, alone or together. Real like erotic stories nothing better, and it's real and attainable. If you ever get enough time with your studies make up some erotic stories, about you both, and read them together too.

    Same for the live like it doesn't matter thing, and apply that to your thoughts about the vibe, on your bf. Everyone is different, I actually read a post recently about a guy who was sending back a male wand attachment because it did absolutly nothing for him, and some women who cum hard with one toy and another woman who gets nothing from the same toy.

    Remember what you said about me being raped, you cannot contrast what men and women feel about anything; don't make how much men or women enjoy sex, fit in this same box. I will say it again forget how good or not so good anything is for your bf; thats just how it is for him, not for the whole male gender, and then just for one toy, or vibes. Just think how many men stress ovver cumming too easy, it really upsets them. Why would you want that, you are what you let yourself be, and you let yourself cum hard twice, enjoy that long build up we have; it's so much better that going bang bang, wow thats over. So women have an over sensitive clit, and it can make sex, and using vibes, painful sometimes, you wouldn't want that, would you.

    Have you not read on here from guys who have been pegged, and had their first anal orgasm, say OMG thats a normal cum times 10, so thats what an "orgasm" feels like.

    Think power for you, you get to make your bf cum, if and when you want, (you have the control now), and you are using it; does it make you feel strong, powerful, ? let it if it doesn't already. But don't let it turn you in to a guy, haha, you're a woman be proud of that , be strong.

    Can your mom stand up, jump up and down and scream yeh my baby girl did it. ( well just a little jump, so I don't jinks things)

    I'm sooooooo happy for you, and sooooooo proud of you too, look only forward now, can you promise your mom that much ?

    "stands in corner screaming her head off, hopes daughter can't hear her"

    1469221465
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    "stands in corner screaming her head off, hopes daughter can't hear her"

    What do you mean by that?

    1469222030
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm screaming with joy,, sorry you didn't get the humor, it's from the second line above that one, not wanting to jinks things.

    1469222362
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh, I see. Don't be so happy for me cause it seems like things are going back down

    1469223190
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't see your next post,. I cross posted, or it didn't up date.

    Read my main post today, it's NOT going back down, not over one stray thought, keep to the it doesn't matter thought pattern. This is just a little blip, don't build the wall back up, over a trip on a pebble. Remember it doesn't matter, put this thought in a waste bag and go put it in the bin where it belongs.

    You are going to win this war babes, I'm right here, come here and empty out these bad thoughts if it helps, then forget them.

    1469242753
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    We just used that vibrator again and it was great! I was a bit nervous at first cause I feel a little unconfortable and fear of being judge when I'm touching myself of whatever. It was a little awkward at first but then in the heat of the moment I ended up coming hard (and squeezing so nothing came out) while I was using the vibe on my clit and he was fingering me. After seeing how much pleasure i've had he was so turned on (and I was too) so we played a little and I finished him.

    After that, as we cuddled, I talked to him about that "need to pee" again. We already talked about it in the past and he says that he doesn't care if I let go even if there's a slight chance it might be pee, but I still felt unconfortable letting go unless I'm in the shower alone. This time though I think that my orgasm wouldn't even greater if I didn't hold it so now I'm convinced and from now on I'll let go whenever I feel like it. I'll need to plan on getting some towels or someting hehe.

    So now I am happy, again. I'm thinking about it and I feel like my sexual relationship's dynamic is slowly going where I would want to (far from heteronormative sex and straight somewhere where we don,t judge each other and where we can vary, doing something different each time as we fancy).

    So I guess we could say things are going great again :) time to scream now Ali :) And we can scream and jump together in excitement! No need to hide :P

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