• Overcoming performance issues

    1468103798
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    You can also take more time for foreplay etc making sure your partner has time to come before you do

    1468107355
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    69u wrote:

    Hi all

    Please help

    I can't stop my self from Cumming been like this for a while not sure what it is like tension, and pressure of family life I been tensed a lot lately and Cumming a bit too early weather i been trying to hard to stop myself Cumming any ideas

    Do you feel ilke you could go again, a few minutes after cumming, or is once all you want. if you can go again, you could find some way to cum, say from oral or masturbation, early on, then focus on her until you are ready to go again. usually men find they cum less quickly on the second round.

    Or you could try frequent changes of position, as tthe time you ae not in her will let you settle back down, but this will slow her down too. Find positions that don't stimulate you as much as others, and vary you thrusting speeds and depths, slow down or pause as sex squid said, get her to ease off if she is on top.

    Also penetrate for a while, until you feel things are getting close, then pull out, and give her oral, or manual, or toy for a few minutes then go back. keep repeating as you need to, but keep stimulating her.

    Hope that gives you some things to try.

    1468107541
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I wish I also had that problem

    1468111010
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Mamz, you will have see floggers, whips, and paddles, there are canes as well but they can inflict a lot of intense pain. Also riding crops, most of those have a leather end, but can still hurt if not used with care.

    Floggers are multi strand whips, so spread the impact, over a wider area than a whip, so less painful, you can also use then in a sensual way, I like to have the flogger trailed over my skin, like a soft caress, with good hard stokes comming at random. I like to be blind folded so I don't know what is comming next. The main rule to remember for the person using it, is getting the swing right, if you bring your hand to a sharp stop as soon as it makes contact, then impact will be much less , than if you alow your hand and arm to follow through past the point of impact, even with the same amount of force. keep the impact on the buttocks, and make sure he has the tips of the flogger, compleatly over both buttocks.

    Other wise the tips of the strands could curl in over your bum cheek, and your you know what will receive a nasty sting. The back and thighs will feel too painfull, if you have them flogged, unless it's done very gently and with more care, stick to the bum cheeks. even a flogger can cause quite a nasty sting, so start softly.

    A paddle is more like a hand spank, only it can be harder, some paddles have different sides for different sensations, but the same rules for use apply. I would start with hand spanking, as he will find it easier to control, and so less likely to make hm feel he is hurting you too much. Let him know after each spank, how it felt, to support his confidence, and give you control. Not sure how you bf will take to it though, as he sounds like he is so scared of hurting you, in anyway.

    You are right, about this being hard on him, and it will have contributed to his, "well if you want to try I will give it a go" attitude.. He's at a loss as to what to do for the best, and thats all he wants for you. Thats why I thought a more playful rough and tumble approach, with teasing, to get you both "gagging for it" ( well a bit more into it any way) foreplay can start days before you have sex, using teasing words and flirty play, to build a sense of eager antisipation.

    Dirty talk; try it when you are sat watching tv, or such moments, when it can be like play, and not during sex, so less pressure, easier to end up laughing about it. If he goes in for a kiss, give him a finger prod in the ribs, and say something like whoooo you naughty little slut.. or the like. I don't know what you think of name calling, in dirty talk. But bringing it in playfully, out of the bedroom, may help you feel less awkward, nice guys find it hard to be insulting to the woman they love. If you feel ilke trying it, call yourself, a name and see if you can get him to join in.

    Sort of "I'm I your little whatever", but do it really funny, so he gets you are playing with him. also about things you want to do to each other, and you said you thought maybe talk about your fantacies with him. ?

    The romance thing you said you didn't associate with sex, Page 4 30th march 5:56 pm. do you want to go into that a bit more with me?

    Do you want some ideas for bondage play ?

    I'm so glad my last post helped you, I will keep trying. Night sweetie xx

    1468116075
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Try just compliments, your p**** is so beatiful, the shape of your ****** makes may heart beat so fast, I feel faint just looking into your beautiful eyes, the feel of your face against my****** gives me buttterflys in my tummy. listen to me gasp when your lips brush over my *******.

    You get the Idea, you are not saying you want to do X or Y to each other, those words and others like them tap into emotion, and that feeling you get from a honest heart felt compliment.

    You can tweek them to make them more sexual, like , the look in your eyes when I touch you ****** makes me feel your love for me, so deep inside, etc.

    I don't know why, but it just feels awkward to me. In my answer I said that it's because I dissociate love and sex, but maybe it's because of that. Maybe it reminds me that they can be two things that go together even though I try not to think so. Because it's easier to keep those two dissociated when you've been hurt with sex by a loved one..

    1468213867
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2672
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    Mamz - I can't deal with dirty talk either it's totally off-putting, but what's helped and I think it's because we aren't together so there's not that pressure is text talk and over the phone. It all felt alien and hilarious at first but I think I'm okay at it now. Certainly can write a good erotic story (cant vouch for the grammer) but maybe that's a place to start? It could be worth thinking about, only you'll know the answer though hunni 💟xx

    1468293414
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Slinky I know I won,t make you proud by saying this but I've just read a scientific article about the link between sexual dysfonction in females and psychological distress. Now I feel like I'm broken.

    I can't see why it would be worth engagind in sexual activities if I do not get anything but negativity from it. It is supposed to bring pleasure but I can't feel any. Yesterday my bf gave me oral and at a point I just felt odd and was trying to focus on the sensations but all I could consentrate on was the lack of pleasure.

    What's the point? I don't know why I should want sex and why I should want my broken body and mind to become normal

    Even trying to think "it's ok, the wime will come when it'l become fun and pleasant again" but I feel it doesn,t help. If I don't think of that then I am into the "it is always going to be shitty" path. Say i am overthinking, whatever. I just can't stop thinking anyways so, and even when I try not thinking I feel down. What's the poinr

    1468307899
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1160
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    Oh mamz sorry to hear; I feel a bit useless trying to offer advice on this front since I have no shared experiences; but surely those times when the clouds part and the sun shines through and you're wanting to get something out of sex, are key.

    Maybe try and try as much positivity as possible when you're feeling strongest, to say to yourself (and 'him') that sex was awful before, but now you are doing this for you, not for anyone else. Kind of like two fingers up at your past...

    1468321485
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2754
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    Did you like the Doxy Mamz? 😄 (This is the only thread I'm sure you will look).

    1468326306
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2672
    • Joined: 21 Aug 2015

    Aww Mamz, I'm not disappointed it's so easy to keep searching for the answers but drawing complete blanks, even infuriating answers which make us mad. I can't say you were wrong because even after you told me not to look online for symptoms I did 🙈 now I really wish I didn't with the scary answers they give me...but I'm going to push it out of the head (trying hard! ) because how can they know or suggest such answers by a few symptons? They can't.

    Which is exactly the same as it telling you - women get no pleasure from sex, you'll never get an orgasm. You know those points are invalid as you've enjoyed a good sexlife with orgasms in the past. But now you fear it's impossible to get back. Maybe for now taking sex off the menu is wise, until you really crave it and feel most horny? Because those are the times you'll most likely be able to let go. Right now as soon as you get into it the concentration which shouldn't be there happens. If you're anything but I'm the moment it won't happen, this I'm sure of. If it's me and I'm worrying over something then I'm not in the moment and have no chance of orgasming, it's the same for you but in a different way, if you get me?

    I think what squid saids great- but surely when the clouds part and the sun shines through and you're wanting to try something in sex that's key.

    I totally agree, you're wanting to enjoy sex. But I also think I'm this want and longing comes "need" need to orgasm or it's pointless. Do you remember a point when you had sex and no orgasm but still enjoyed it? Or did this mindset arise quickly after you didn't orgasm? There are things that would be beneficial to recovery when figured out. Look at it like, putting pieces of the puzzle together.

    Also look how many pieces you've already filled. You come sooo far hunni that's worth clinging onto.

    Please please know you're not broken. You're so strong through coming through so much in life and still having determination, to be a doctor, to get sexlufe back on track.

    I really wish I can hug you right now and tell you everything will be okay. My emotions are contributing to this post because hearing you sad isn't nice.

    Look at what you have; fantastic boyfriend, great ambitions, friends, great bunch of folk on here to chat to. Sending you all the positivity I have, stay strong hunni 💟xxx

    1468396798
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Sex squid, yes these moments are key but the problem is they also are rare. I really would like to feel that I am doing this for me but I just feel like I don,t have anything to gain from it, that it bring me nothing but negativity.

    Sxleksaker, I guess it was ok. I decided on stopping to watch porn so when I used it I wasn't really turned on. I ame anyway but it was not excessively pleasurable because of that. Maybe when I feel better it is gonna be better too.

    Slinky binky I must really crave sex to be able not to think while I have it. These have only happened a few times so far. And waiting till I want it that much basicaly means I am never going to have it. It is not a bad idea as I am not interested in it anyways since I don't see why I should be wanting it. It'll only prevent me from dealing with the negative effects of it.

    Everytime I've had sex without an orgasm I ended feeling used and thus feeling down. When it happenes now I don't feel used anymore but the feeling's still similar. I feel like I have nothing to gain from sex while the other person takes it all. I know my boyfriend doesn,t intend to take it all from me but that's still what happens. And now I am not even able to enjoy what happens before we get to that point (cause anyways we just end doing whatever we are doing because I get too sad) because i just get to anxious and don't enjoy it at all.

    I just feel like it's getting worse and worse. Before, I was feeling down meanwhile and after the act but wasn't overly thinking about it as I was convinced that it was just normal, as a woman. Since I've started to try to regain my own sexuality I just overthink and and I,ve dragged my boyfriend with me and he also overthinks and it's just gotten so worse than it's ever been. Sometimes I just think I should've just continue suckin it up and prentend to enjoy it. At least I would be the only one who's unhappy and I wouldn't even know that something is wrong. And my bf could be happy and have all the sex he wants...

    My life doing great other than that but it is just taking so much place. I'm sorry you have to hear me sad, and I won,t sound any better in this post right here as I am feeling so lost again. I just don,t know where this is heading and wonder what is comming next? I am trying to concentrate on the moment right now and feel things and live in my body instead of in my mind and just overthink everything but I feel so much anxiety and sadness I just can't seem to go there as it is too hard. I just feel broken again and I feel like I'll never be fixed. I don,t know how to deal with my broken self

    ***Edit*** And now it seems as I just managed to go there as I am crying. I still don,t know where this is heading but It seems there is some sadness about something that Alicia mentioned recently. She was right. My mind is just trying to protect me, but it's protecting me from my own self, because I've done so much harm to myself and I,ve been hurt so much too that it is just normal that it's came to that point, where I don,t feel anything and don,t want anything to do with sex anymore so I can stop being so harmed by all this

    1468439849
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Mamz, Hunni, what happened to the you, that was going to surf that wave, you read an article, and now you're here. Your mind is powerful, it changed your head round in a minute, but I just wish you could use all that brainpower to think possitive thoughts.

    If you could find your way out of this, think what you could do for others when your medical training is compleate.

    I will support you what ever you choose to do, thats what friends (and moms) do, take some time and then If you are sure that you don't want sex any more, then you must tell your bf, that you can't go on trying any more. I'm sure he will understand, and will be happy to carry on loving you. This has been so hard on him, and he's still there for you, so why would that change.

    I trully wish I could hug you better, but I can't, I feel so helpless, so sad. You have done nothing to hurt yourself, it's so hard what we have been through; it makes you feel like you should have the power to mend yourself, but you just don't know how, so you blame yourself, you feel like you're hurting yourself by being this way. It's not our fault, but it's true only we can mend it, or decide to live the way we are now.

    I will tell you this, it will still hurt, you will still feel empty and so very ,very lost; I can"t make it go away for myself, even after all this time, I wish I could tell you other wise, but I can't; at least not at the moment. You have now what I have never had, someone who loves you, so I hope that will be enough to make you happy, to ofset the other parts of you.

    You can always try again, some time.

    My mom told me I was only being like this to hurt her, and I was selfish for wanting to find someone to love me after every thing she had done to help me. She stopped me from trying to find love, and there wasn't much I could do about it. I never seem to be able to earn much of a wage to be able to leave home. She threatened to put me out on to the street, if I tried. Now I'm lving alone, and I just left a job because I couldn't stand up to a bully, a young woman, I don''t know what is left for me.

    But I would bare any pain I could for you, and you have hurt no one, least of all yourself, I want you to be loved and be happy, and make your bf feel loved and happy. I want all the best that life has to offer to be yours. But my darling little girl; you have to go out there and get it, just as I do.

    If you do decide to try again I will help as best I can.

    hugs Alicia xxx

    1468453699
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I don't even know where I would be going if I was willing to fight this. I can't see why I would even get somewhere nice, ever.

    I just don't know where to be headeed. I talked to my bf and he's like "don't even have a plan, that's not how this works. Just take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, exercice, etc and your mind will feel better, from then you won't be anxious about everything and things will be easier and we'll just go with the flow" but that just makes me even more anxious because it means we are going nowhere.

    Sorry to dissappoint you.

    That paragraph about it never going to go away is very sad. I wish it could be possible and would be the case for you, and I wish i would be able to get there sometime.

    I don,t know why but I don't feel like giving up on sex either. That is just screwing up with my mind right now.. And I won't tell my bf that I want to give up sex but I'll talk to him about how I feel, again, and I know I am just gonna end up sad and desperate again, and lost.

    And don't even get me started on your mom, omg. I am only not commenting on her because it is mean to insult someone's mom..

    I just don,t feel like giving up, but I feel like keeping up trying is pointless. I just feel empty with no options other than being sad, whatever I do.

    1468462351
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I'm not dissappointed in you, you have tried so hard; and remember I know how hard it is to do what you are trying to do, I know what it is to fail, what it is to feel lost and empty, and that to try feels pointless. Yet I'm still here, and yes, I know every things still the same, but if I could just get a job, and not let someone make me feel like I need to run to stay safe.

    I know that love will give me the strength I need, but I feel like I can't try to find it if I have no job; it would mean not being able to contibute financially to the relationship, and I'm no sponger.

    When I said about it never going away, I mean if you did stop fighting it doesn't make the past go away, or stop you feeling lost, and all the rest; only beating it will do that. It has't gone away for me anyway, just because I stopped fighting for a long time.

    You still sound as if you have stopped fighting, or at least things are in abeyance. The things you are fighting for, are your happiness, your bf 's happiness, your life, your freedom from the past, for love. Your bf is right you don't need a plan, just a direction to go in. And sleep, food, exersise, and looking after yourself will help to keep depression at bay.

    You said you liked the Idea of just going with the flow; that doesn't make it directionless, unless thats what you want from it. Choose a direction, I gave you 3. Choose to fight, but do it on your terms, at your speed, and when and how, you want. Squid is right, you fight this war one step at a time. Wether it's using your Doxy on your own, or having sex with your bf. Why would you not get somewhere nice ever; the only person stopping you is you, and fear of failing.

    You have options, I gave you weapons to use, so to speak, and you were off to surf that wave, read that post again, and feel the heart you said I gave you. Forget the damed article you read, you are not going to let the words on that paper make you give in. ARE YOU. I'm here stood behind you, do this for you sweetie, do it for all the women, and this (once man) who have suffered at the hands of others in the way we have.

    This is in your hands, you will get where you want to, don't stop yourself, don't doubt yourself. You have someone who loves you, take your strength from his love. That's the only thing missing for me to do the same, and if, OK lets say when, she, or he comes along, I'm going to fight my war and win.

    I know how hard it is not to over think, so instead, think possitive things, write them down, as I told you before, and especially those possitive things that have actually happened, and will happen. Are you going to surf that wave now hunni? If you don't I won't think less of you or be dissapointed in you, never that. Just sad, because I know what life is like travelling that road, and I will walk down it at your side, if thats where you go. If you do get on that wave, I will be stood on the beach screaming go girl go, and waxing up my own board, ready for my turn, and to hear you stood on the beach with your bf, both of you screaming go girl go, for me.

    You know this is not going to happen over night, make a commitment to yourself, to your bf; just as you did when you got together. Trying is not pointless, it's the meaning, the heart and soul of life it's self. It's just taken me a life time to realise it.

    Hugs for you hunni, Alicia xxx

    1468469494
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I feel sad because I've been talking about it a little bit and I guess it's just a coping mecanism. When I imagine my sexlife being great and having pleasure I feel like it's idealizing something that can't happen, like it's utopia.

    I decided tat I would stop watching porn because I feel it had a bad effect on me. I told my bf (he was really surprise that I was watching porn at first) and I told him that I felt that I wanted him to be included when I touched myself. That means I don't want to do things alone anymore, butI feel pressured now. I associate sex alone to be arousing (because of porn) and orgasmic (yet not satisfying because I'm lacking something), but I associate sex with him with negative feelings and lack of arousal and pressure and overthinking. Plus when I am alone I like to use dildos sometimes, but I don't feel confortable sharing that with him. I don,t know why I guess it's because that would mean that I want to have penetrative sex as well and I don,t want that because it would only pleasure him.

    1468498830
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Porn can cause ED in men, so I think it's good you stopped using it.

    That great sex life is not some utopia, it's yours if you choose to go and take it back, there is no one stopping you from having it but you, it's within your power to have it if you belive, if you want it bad enough. You have a good bf, to have it with.

    You can't think I don't want sex because it would only pleasure my bf, that kind of thinking is what is keeping you trapped. Having sex and finding joy in other aspects of the act is the only way I can think of to get you to eventually let go of the mind set that blocks you. You have even agreed with me on this point, yet you keep finding ways to reason your way out of trying.

    You are not wanting to give up, yet you won't try.

    masturbation is empty and unsatisfiying because you orgasm and enjoy dildos, but don't get to have your bf 's love at the same time, much as sex with your bf is love and no orgasm. Neither is giving you both, if it was good with your bf then masturbation would be like having that when you were alone, and it would feel satisfying.

    I think you should try to include him in your masturbation, at least sometimes, and let him use toys on you, that gives him no direct pleasure; see it as a step towards having penetrative sex with him. But eventually thats the only way to go.

    I don't know what to say to you that will help any more, you seem to be stuck in a loop of negative thinking, and close every door I open for you. Don't say I'm sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for; I understand what it's like, I know what it's like first hand. I just wish I could say something that would make you take one of those way out doors, and keep going forward. Please try, hunni, I feel so dammed helpless, trust me you can do this, no one is stopping you, but you, and fear of failure. Is it so much worse to try, and to risk failure, than to accept failure without trying.

    1468537340
    Zephron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 262
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2016

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    69u wrote:

    I can't stop my self from Cumming been like this for a while not sure what it is like tension, and pressure of family life I been tensed a lot lately and Cumming a bit too early weather i been trying to hard to stop myself Cumming any ideas

    Do you feel ilke you could go again, a few minutes after cumming, or is once all you want. if you can go again, you could find some way to cum, say from oral or masturbation, early on, then focus on her until you are ready to go again. usually men find they cum less quickly on the second round.

    @69u - This is perfect advice, I found all of the techniques work, but as women take longer to actually build up to orgasm , if you can have a little cum first and then keep building her up (which always re-excites me anyway.) untill you are both roughly at the same point,
    And as Alicia says if you think you may beat her to it then withdraw yourself and focus on her pleasure. Or change position/activity so something to please her more, and you slightly less (if that makes sense).

    It does take a little practice, and I still have a 'point of no return', it's just a matter of finding where this is and using it to your advantage. Like @Sex_Squid said earlier, about edging (I only just reallised from reading this thread that what I was looking for, from a thread the other week, is what ive been doing for years anyway...) is the key.
    Hope this helps, and Good Luck mate.

    1468539473
    Zephron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 262
    • Joined: 24 Jun 2016

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Porn can cause ED in men, so I think it's good you stopped using it.

    Ehrmergerd, I'm sunk! Since I lost my job its kind of a crutch I've used.

    Lets hope when I start the new one monday I'll not fall back into bad ways of staying up all night (I always try and convince myself that it's ok, and that I hardly slept that much anyway), just cruising video and pic sites...

    1468895578
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1736
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    I am so fuking angry. I am just frustrated at the though of anyting sexual. My bf just imitated someone choking on a cock "as a joke" even though I've told him a milion times that I really don,t like when he does that (It's not normal that I have to tell him so many times). he just can't see what is disrespectful in that, I mean, are your standards so fucking low?? Sorry for swearing but I am so angry and I want to cry. I really don't wanna put his penis near my body anytime soon. And the fact that he won,t stop doing it just because "He doesn't see why it would be disrespectful so his brain just doesn't analyse that he shouldn't do it before he does"... Even though I,ve told him so clearely so many times and that it always ends up in a fight.. It's even worse than when he grabs my butt. COULD YOU SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT TOWARDS THE PERSON YOU SUPOSEDLY LOVE instead of being an ass..

    He was feeling a bit down because of the same reasons i always was lately. I mean, yo I've told you so many times and you didn't bother but now that it's you, wooo..

    And lately I've been ondering why I wanted to be able to enjoy sex that bad, and I wasn,t sure why I should be wanting something that is only made to make a guy cum. Well, be assured that I don,t want that at all now. i don't even want to hear about sex ever again. I feel so turned off right now that only the idea of having any sexual act shared with him discuss me. I don't think I,ll ever come back at wanting sex ever again, wheter with him or alone..

    Ps yeah I'm just using you in that post like if I was talking to him cause I,m just discharging all my anger on here.

    1468898112
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1292
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Sorry hunni, you are having a really bad time of it, all I can do is offer you a big mommy hug and tell you for gods sake don't read the last post I just made to a guy on another thread, or more to the point his post. And please don't post there you will be too angry.

    Tone down the "f" words a little sweetie, I would hate for you to get canned from the site for it; but you are welcome to vent on me anytime, I just wish I could do more to help.

    Love you sweetie xxx.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.