• Overcoming performance issues

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand about what I would call selfless sex being like love but applied to sex.

    And as i have said many women like to be desired as well as loved, so it's not wrong for them. But I do know that you feel objectified by the thought of being desired, as do I.

    I didn't know that you don't want to work your way to having and enjoying sex, at some point in the future. But I can't say I'm suprised you are feeling that this is not something you want to go back to. Are you saying you want just love, with kisses and cuddles, and intamacy, and to never want to have penetrative sex ever again. I'm I understanding you correctly. You were so focused on being able to have an orgasm, at one point.

    It seems like you finally know where you want things to finnish up, and thats to be loved, cared for, and to share physical intimacy, of a non sexual kind. And for each of you to have sex as an act of masturbation. Am I understanding you on this part too.

    What about this thing over not feeling satisfied, is that just after penetative sex, does it still leave you feeling used, even though you know he loves you. What great things are you hoping for. ?

    Because it does sound that he is willing to take the journey with you, but is thinking you wanted to end up wanting penetrative sex at the other end. if this is not what you see ever happening then you do need to make it clear to him, so he can choose, if this is something he is happy to be with you.

    It has to be what about what you need, only you know what you feel is ever going to be possible.

    I know it will be hard for anyone that desides to love me, because while I have tried to do it with my FWB, I'm not sure If I would be able to have "normal sex" on a regular and permenant basis, as it really does take a lot for me to do it, and it feels like I'm not doing it for me, but for the other person. So I don't know if I could keep it going long term.

    I only feel happpy with anal sex, with a strapon, and it would have to be some kind of toy sex for her too. I still don't know how I feel about men either. But I will deal with that if and when there is someone to work on it with.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    In fact what I want varies very fluidly. I sometimes want to feel desired, but I know that right now I don't. We just talked about it again, and almost got into a fight as I we both were trigered by some things but we managed to handle it. I'l get to that later.

    You don't understand. It's not a matter of not having a precise goal et anymore, and not seeing sexual acts in a hierarchy. It's just about going ith the flow now and not caring about those kinds of things. Just doing what we want to do in the moment (we we get to that point because right now I still want to build up my sexual confidence and security) without any expectations. That's how I want to have sex in the future. That's my new goal.

    As I mentioned earlier we talked about it again. I told him that I had the feeling he was saying that he was willing to do as I want but didn't want it himself (deep inside). It's all ok now as he explained to me that before he was in a set of mind, like a lot of people are, that sex had to be in a certain way etc, without much flexibility, but that he didn't like it but wasn't questionning it. He says that being with me has got him to question and think about a lot of things (for example, rape) and that he would probably never would've gone there without me but that it's still things that fit with who he is, it's just that he needed something (me) to get him to those types of reflexions and changes. In conclusion, he seems to want that as much as me, conversly to what I though (I was feeling like it would be someting I was imposing on him but it turns out he want it too). So now I feel better about it and am ready to let go on all this overthinking and simply start feeling good about our sexuality not being so rigid.

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh no! I've got some catching up to do here. Lol 😉

    Sorry for my delay in getting back to this thread my brains been tried, reckon 8 hours lol in a week and a half had alot to do with my brain not working right! I got a few hours earlier on (this afternoon,) so I'm feeling more 'with it' and ready to catch up here. Give me two minutes to refresh myself with the posts (well most likely half hour-an hour as it takes me so long to type a post, and I'll be right back 💟xx

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Just finished catching up on everything. I think its fantastic that you've been communicating together about what you want and need from the relationship. Your oh seems very commited to the relationship and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. He sounds like a gem and clearly loved you very much as there's not many guys who will do absolutley anything to make their gifriend happy, secure, safe and loved.


    You've clearly gotten very far in these last few days together talking about stuff which is fantastic to hear. Its good to know that youre both going to make compromises too as that's what a relationship should be about but sadly not everyone's the same. It makes me feel really happy seeing how far you have came from the start of this thread. Focus on that and be proud of yourself, I'm sure everything else will call into place it just takes time with these things.

    Also it's great to know you felt turned on with the intimacy the other night. That's a big thing for you right now so I suspect (and hope,) that you could be closer than you think to getting your sexual appetite for your boyfriend back.

    Glad you had a chat tonight and he's opened up explaining how much you've taught him, along with the realisation you're both wanting the same thing , basically a happy relationship. I'm so glad you're ready to let go of the over thinking as it frys the brain. Bring an overthinker mysel it drives me nuts when things are floating around in my head and I can't stop thinking about whatever situation a bothering me. It's like going round in circles so the more thinking it over the worse things seem leading to various conclusion which can be way out there.


    So happy tbe discusions made you feel better. Enjoy the love you both have together hunni 💟

    P.s, some fantastic advice from the amazing Alecia in the last few post, defiantly a star shining bright taking the darkness out of the night 🌟💟xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I understand now, And it seems like you two are on the same page now, which is just so wonderful to hear. I'm glad that you feel able to go with what feels right at any given moment, and you are right there doesn't have to be any form of regemented progression or any specific end goal. I have always said you should just take the journey and not worry about where you will end up, as long as it's somewhere better. And to live in the moment. Your previous post got me confused, thats the trouble with doing this in writing, where it takes hours or days to get a correction.

    You are on the journey called life now, so you are doing better than me, I may need to come back and read this myself, one day, as I have yet to start this journey myself, with someone, and I think I have issues that may come up if I start a relationship, like the feeling objectified thing.

    You two are an inspiration to all, my eyes are cloudy with tears of joy, my heart so full and so proud, you had me worried of late, but you worked it out as a couple. I have such hopes for your future now, and you are ready to let go of your over thinking, and just take each moment for what it is, and how you feel in that moment as a couple.

    Let me put my arms around you both, you made your (adoptive) mum really happy, and really proud. I know if I were there in person tears would stream down my cheeks, and you would see my massive smile.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    This is so cute. After you hug us both I would feel like a big hug just the two of us, you and I. I can feel my mom is being proud and happy for me just as much as I am and this is just perfect. Plenty of love.

    Yes maybe issues would come up if you started a relationship, but look at me trying to sort mine out, it is still possible to do so yourself when you are in that situation!

    Slinky, thanks to you too! I too am proud of myself. Especially when comparing with the bigenning of this thread. Yesterday we were sharing our love again, just kissing and cuddling and you could tell that it both made us very happy. I started to be turned on again and just ask him to give me oral (as he had said earlier that he was missing it and that it would be giving loce to me through aborher part of my body) so he did and ended up thinking about performance again. I noticed so had him to stop and I was not disappointed at all, I was only sad for him and wanted to help him progressively let go of these kinds of thoughts. This is a big big change isn't it?

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with what you said to Alecia hunni, issues most likely will come up as relationships especially with folk that have been th through atrocious situations as we all have along with many others. But you'll work through them Alecia I know it because you're a fighter there's no doubt about it. Also we will be here to help you work your way through it as it's always easier looking from the outside in.
    I mean, Just look how far you've came. I remember the first time I saw your old username and read your profile, I actually cried and felt so sad knowing you felt that way. Look at you now Alecia4ever 😄 a profile picture, ready to meet your special someone at some point. It's amazing and I'm super duper proud of you, and that's from the bottom of my heart. It fills me with not to see how uhh yours and mamz's thought process has changed. So proud 😍😙💟xx

    Mamz - it's always a pleasure I'm very fond of you so would do ought to try helping.
    Waw, that's awesome that you were enjoying the intimacy and got turned on AND even let your boyfriend give you oral. That's massive progress and so true, he was doing it for you to show love to a special part of your body 😊

    I'm glad that you stopped as there's no point of continuing when you mindblock, I understand this as I often mindblock myself and it's super frustrating. But the fact you didn't feel disappointment and you put your boyfriend's feelings first is incredible and some turn around, definitely a massive change in the best way possible 😄

    I'm sure if you both continue as you are that the final piece of the jigsaw will come. Obviously the relationship you have is incredible, you're both considerate to eachother in ways alot of folk aren't capable of being. I definitely believe when you said 'you'll get through anything together', as look how much you've been through and always stayed together. Me and oh have had our fair share of crap so I know first hand it's the sign of true love along with major commitment to eachother.

    I'm so hopeful for your future, it sounds very promising for you both. Super happy for you and I couldn't be more proud hunni 😙💟xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    slinky binky wrote:

    I agree with what you said to Alecia hunni, issues most likely will come up as relationships especially with folk that have been th through atrocious situations as we all have along with many others. But you'll work through them Alecia I know it because you're a fighter there's no doubt about it. Also we will be here to help you work your way through it as it's always easier looking from the outside in.
    I mean, Just look how far you've came. I remember the first time I saw your old username and read your profile, I actually cried and felt so sad knowing you felt that way. Look at you now Alecia4ever 😄 a profile picture, ready to meet your special someone at some point. It's amazing and I'm super duper proud of you, and that's from the bottom of my heart. It fills me with not to see how uhh yours and mamz's thought process has changed. So proud 😍😙💟xx

    ^^ I couldn't agree more with this!

    And Thank you a lot slinky, you're such a great person! Oral is pretty much the only things we used to do before I became unable to orgasm with him and even to enjoy that part of sex, but as I was wanting it, why not ask for it? :P

    I already learned to stop when my mind blocked because of that weird feeling of being outside of my body (probably a trauma thing). This time though it was him who had a mindblock and just was focussing on performance (again). I just didn't want that so asked him to stop! I would never have done that before. I really didn,t care about performance I just wanted us to be happy and I was feeling he wasn,t anymore because of that. That too is a great progress! That really is far from how it used to be! and it feels great!!!!!!

    You and your husband seem to be a strong couple too! I,m sure you can and will go through everything together and that'll make you even stronger, and in the end you'll look at all this and be "yeah babe we went through all this together" and that'll make you love each other even more. At least that's my own life goals haha. I don't know a lot about your relationship but of what you are telling me I can feel love too!

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    slinky binky wrote:

    I agree with what you said to Alecia hunni, issues most likely will come up as relationships especially with folk that have been th through atrocious situations as we all have along with many others. But you'll work through them Alecia I know it because you're a fighter there's no doubt about it. Also we will be here to help you work your way through it as it's always easier looking from the outside in.
    I mean, Just look how far you've came. I remember the first time I saw your old username and read your profile, I actually cried and felt so sad knowing you felt that way. Look at you now Alecia4ever 😄 a profile picture, ready to meet your special someone at some point. It's amazing and I'm super duper proud of you, and that's from the bottom of my heart. It fills me with not to see how uhh yours and mamz's thought process has changed. So proud 😍😙💟xx

    ^^ I couldn't agree more with this!

    Thanks Slinky, and Mamz; It feels so good to be a woman. Mamz I never thought I would get to hear the word mom, said to me, that is a priceless dream come true. How much more of a woman could anything else make me feel. No daughter, could make her mom feel more joy than you have me, you are so smart, and strong, and most of all you came and said I could be your mom, and asked your mom for help and listened to your mom, what mom could ask for more. No love on earth is stronger and more fierce than a mothers love for her wonderful daughter.

    Slinky I wish we could do something to help you, it tears at my heart to see you in such pain, both phsical and emotional, and your OH too, and I know what it's like when the medical profession, wants to disavow it's self of you. That your GP would say that you are both fine is a terrible thing to do. And through all that you still have the heart to help others, more fortunate than you, but still in pain. You are such a special soul, a true Angel on earth, you deserve so much more in life.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia that's so cute. Wait till you have kids of your own (I am sure you will one day as you previously showed a big interest in it, even if you don,t believe it will ever happen). To me you are a friend before being a mother, and that's important to me as it means more in my heart.

    Slinky I agree with alicia, you are a special soul, an angel, your of the best kind, I wish more persons where like you, devoted to others, always there to cheer them up. I hope everything's going to be ok for you as you diserve it

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww, thats so lovely to say 😊 Thank you Mamz as it really does make me feel so special getting lovely verbal compliments from folk especially when we've built a great online friendship. I do know I'm a decent person lol, car from perfect but always have and always will wear my heart on my sleeve. aswell i enjoy helping folk, if one person smiles or I help folk with words then what I've it makes me feel kvrrjohrf m overjoyed 😊


    Have you ever orgasmed before penerative sex? I'm asking because an awful lot of lasses cannot orgasm that way, some don't ever experience an orgasm ever. I never had an orgasm until I met hubby, thought I was one of those who never would which is most likely due to stuff from the past (not orgasming previously.

    Oh for sure you were horny for the second time in a couple of days you did great asking for oral. I love how you're going with the flow, taking things as they happen. It'll certainly help you sooo much as you're not constantly worrying anymore, just doing what feels right at the moment in times awesome. It doesn't get much better than that 😄 I'm so glad you've stopped the mindblocking as it was destroying your mind day and night. Now your goals have completely changed in the most positive manner, I couldn't be happier for you and your boyfriend hunni 😙


    Oh right, now I see what you meant. didn't realise you were meaning that your boyfriend was over-focusing on performance. It's obviously because he's so desperate to please you which is a good thing and shows a big sign of how committed to the relationship he is 😊 I'm super optimistic for your future together, you've got all the ingredients for a living relationship for life, overcoming so much together, communicating, showing affection without sex, and working through problems together are great signals for the future 😄

    Aww, thanks again. The fact you'd love to be able to help me is more than enough for me, it gives me lots of gratitude along with joy 😊

    It is a nightmare, I can't even begin to tell you all the crap we've both endured both together and before we met. I'll not speak for oh prior to meeting him as I'm not sure he'd appreciate it to be honest. But me geez if I told you everything I've been through you'd be gobsmacked or think I was talking bs 😣 I always say bad things happen to good people, the bad folk seem to breeze through life with not a care or problem in the world. I think it's pretty true, obviously not for everyone but a fair amount.

    Before I met oh I'd experienced sexual abuse at a young age which was the starting path to my destruction! But now I refuse to let myself think about it whenever it comes to mind as i refuse to allow that evil person to have an impact on my thoughts. Obviously it's not possible all the time, it's a coping mechanism which actually works for me. Then I left home at a very early age and met my ex who enjoyed giving me a beating and also controlling every move I made. I honestly can't believe I stayed with him for so long, what a waste! But that's ancient history.

    So after that I never wanted to touch or have another man touch me ever again. for two years men and sex was non-existent and desire was something id not felt. until I met hubby that was! I was so scared of getting hurt also because it's unlike me to develop feelings so strong and rapidly! There was and still is such an overwhelming explosive chemistry between us and it felt so much different. A relationship was the last thing I'd planned but this guy (hubby,)who litterelly took my breath away. We were both on a road to destruction when we met but we fixed eachother, we both day we saved eachothers lives and it's true, . I kept knocking him back and told him he'd have to prove himself which he most certainly did. I was running low on cash he found me a place to stay (his pals,?) well mine too now which was a big sign he wasn't in it for one reason. I made it abundantly clear that sex wouldn't be happening for a long time. He waited patiently never pressuring me which made me felt loved not desired although he was definitely feeling desire and by this point so was I but there was no way I was prepaid to act on it. Anyway few months later 'it' happened and was incredible. I knew we were soulmates after a very short period of time and so did he. Anyway I'm writing a novel here and could type a book lol. So I'll write about some of the battles we've overcome in our 11 year relationship on the get to know eachother thread as I'm running off-topic here.

    We actually do exactly like you said - 'Yo babe remember that time we had nowhere to live and had to crash on friends sofas, floors and spare rooms'.lol! we can laugh about that now but It was a nightmare at the time though to be honest. I wish I had money so I could build houses and home homeless folk, we'd both like to go to Africa and build schools, send water, supplies and lots of other important stuff that's needed.

    We are a very strong couple, and can,
    , do and will get through ought life throws at us. You and your boyfriend will be the same in years to come and are obviously strong 💟xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    To answer your question, Yes, I have orgasmed from penetration a few times, but it is very very very rare ( it may be 5 times in total in all my life with a partner). The thing is I barely never have penetrative sex because as you already know and can understand, I've been afraid of it. The other reason is because it's been painfull untill only recently (not even a year ago). Discovering sex toys helped me with that because guess what, dildos are my favorite sex toy! I like the feeling they procure (but strangely, it's often can feel barely any pleasure when it's with a partner and his penis). I guess I am still learning and discovering that part of my body. I can orgasm from penetration when I masturbate with dildos, but the easiest way to do is by edging an orgasm clitorally, and then using the dildo. I never get to that point when I am not alone, maybe because I am not really turned on by penetrative sex with someone (again I know you can understand and already knew that from the previous posts in this thread- I tend to mindblock). I feel like stimulating my clit at the same time would help me get to that point where it feels great but when I don,t know why, my clit just seems to dissapear and become insensitive when I have thrusting internal stimulation (even when I am alone).

    If you can give me some tips for this one, I would really appreciate it as I sometimes feels as I won't even get to be able to orgasm from penetration without that much effort. I am not thinking about it right now though as it's not on the menu but when I am alone I still like playing with dildos so

    ---

    You can't understand how reading about your story got me angry at life. There is so many of us who went through this and as you said, it seems it happens to good people, who don't diserve that at all. It turns out all the sweetest people I've unconteered here and those who helped me a lot all went through abuse, which makes me so sad :( It happens to so many woman (and man, as it happends to alicia when she was a man, I think).

    You may not know because I've talked about it a long time ago but I too have been in a relationship of sexual and psychological abuse and that's why I am going through all this. I can assure you I understand you for staying with your abuser boyfriend. We tend to blame ourselves for staying but I find it's so though to get out of the toxic dynamics when you're part of it, people just don't understand what it is. It is so easy to say "woman who stay with their abusers are dumb" seeing that from outside but when you are part of it, it is a totally different thing.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You and your husband sound perfect together indeed, and it is so inspiring. When i grow up, I want my relationship to be like yours (*said in a children voice)! It is so great to hear from a member of that amazing couple that my relationship is strong too and will last, it really is a great compliment.

    I am really inspired by your story, it is beautiful. I wish you so many more years of happiness together!

    And you don,t need to go the another thread to talk about it, Here is just fine. It's not off topic and it's the perfect thread to talk about such things. Don't be put off to do so because I called us for being off topic on the other thread!

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Arh id written a massive reply to Alecia and yourself about the lovely stuff what was said, along with so much information but I passed out just tried to post it and I was signed out 😣 I'll get back on that in a sec.


    I know and totally understand how you've been more about oral and not penerative sex, its totally a trauma thing. You have to find a way to not let the folk that hurt you get into the mind (that's how I got through it, and being with a guy that actually loves and treats me well.) I didn't think I deserved such a guy, felt totally worthless at the end of the road. You know how these abusers make us feel, take the heart and soul from us BUT it comes back as we know. Ok so we've all clearly got issues because of the situations we've encountered but when I compare myself to 10-13 years ago, I didn't care if I lived or died, So have came immensely far, as have you you and Alecia. We just have to bury the demons (which as you both know isn't easy.) But in the end things will all fall into place as they already are. ☺

    Back to the orgasming from penerative sex. You've done it before and you'll do it again. It might be in a minths time or maybe a year there's no time scale can be put on it. Dildos being your favourite toy and giving you orgasms says an awful lot, you defiantly will get there. Your spot on you're still learning your own body. Toys defiantly help with that. Do you use realistic dildis and orgasm? As if the intercourse with your boyfriend is done in the same mannar then you can replicate the dildo penetration with your partner. But you've got to get through the fear factor I have to say. Work out what scares you (think i can guess what.) You're safe with your boyfriend and eventually you'll come to realise that and be able to fully achieve orgasm that way, as you have in the past and you can with dildos I know you can and will again 😊

    Tips on clitoral orgasms during masturbation and penerative sex. I'm my experience orgasm balm 100% as it really increases the sensitivity, so much so I can barely describe it! The only problem I'm not sure if there's any that last very long, like five minutes the one I've got but bloody he'll it brings mine back to life 😂 I avoided trying them for sooo long as I thought they were just a gimmik but was way off the mark! Also i word repeated - doxy, doxy, and doxy again springs to mind! Now its going to ne easy to work during solo sessions but with penerative sex I'm not sure what ways you'd feel comfortable and most importantly SAFE as thats the ferling youre missing leading to no orgasms, obviously its with everything that's happened. I imagine by reading alot of your posts a fair few postions would be off-limits. But if there's any you feel comfortable with like reverse cowgirl maybe then you could work the doxy with that position by going slowly so you can position it well.

    Aww, I know what you mean, it's so darn well unfair how all the crap happens to the nicest people. Makes me angry at life too. The statistics are really frightening. I actually never told anybody what happened until I was with oh, then I wrote my folks a letter as they thought I was a kid acting out. And I know it hurts them so bad that I didn't confide in them but i didn't feel I could. At a young and naive age I didn't want to upset my mommy (also childlike voice,)😊 and I also thought it was my fault for a very long time. It's ludicrous thinking back to how I felt, why did I blame myself, there wasn't any getting out of the situation I don't think.) Anyway I'm letting it get in my head, need to drop it for now, can't allow myself to go there.

    I can't explain how proud I was of Alecia sharing her story from a man trapped in a woman's bodies perspective (I think). It happens to so many men but many don't tell because of they feel bad and ashamed for letting it happen because they couldn't stop it th Rough no fault of their own I must add. It's so sad all these great people, the best of the best going through horrific traumas and ending up living with demons because of it, life's so unfair I really have no idea how the bad people live carefree and the good, good people go through atrocities.

    It's a pleasure sharing, you've shared so much of your story I wanted to share some back. Oh we certainly are, the thought of life without him doesn't enter my head as I can't imagine it. I know the only way we'll part is in a box 😣 which really frightens me. He saved my life and vice versa.

    Aww, you sound so sweet saying that (when I grow up,) I dont know your age but you're a very mature young lady with so many awesome qualities not to mention the medical studies, you obviously want to help people too. Not that it wasn't obvious anyway as you do help us on here. Your relationship is very, very strong and certainly has massive potential to be life-long 😊 i was a wee bit doubtful the other night when you had that wobble, but that's all it is a wobble. It's natural to start second guessing stuff and worrying if your relationship is right especially with all you've been through.

    I'm glad you're inspired by it and I hope it helps you see how strong your relationship is. Your boyfriend is 100% committed to making you happy its obvious as all he wants to do is please you 😊 And monumental sentence in route! You wanted to please him the other night and it will happen again with intimacy (obviously you want to please him in other ways too.) Just keep up the communication with eachother, do those suggestions of 'quality time' like meals, adventures in the beauty of Canada, have date nights, movie and take out night, gaming session night (if you're into them,) and so forth. These are key elements in keeping the relationship strong. I'm very confident that you'll both be good together forever 😊

    Oh it wasn't because you said about iff-topic in the other thread, I'm always afraid of doing so because of the postin certain areas and so forth. So I'm always worried 'is my post relevant for this thread. Lol'.

    I'm not going to re-type that humongous post I tried all night to reply to Alecia just now. I'll cut it short.


    Alecia, you've always been a woman you were just afraid to take the plunge? Correct one of I'm wrong. You're also a beautiful, kind, caring, intelligent and thoughtful lass (great female qualities. btw.) 😊 I wish all women were like you hunni 😙

    Also thank you for such a lovely compliment. I want to add - you do help me with words, advice and beautiful compliments on here, you humble me beyond belief so make sure you know it. You're also an incredible lass, when you was at rock bottom you were always helping people and writing beautiful, long, deep replies and have helped Mamz sooo much. I hope you now know your worth. Your really are a star that shines so bright helping guide others to the light 🌟💟xx

    And thank you too Mamz for agreeing I'm an angel, that compliment is so beautiful and brings tears to my eyes that I could be regarded in such high regards 😙 I've got my faults and I'm the first one to admit it but I try my best and enjoy helping folk of possible 💟xx

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh I forgot, the abusers and getting away from them. It's not easy to do at all because you feel so worthless. The final straw came when he'd have my bsnkcard to some debt collector and they said it for swallowed by hole in the wall. They stormed the house at 3am taken him and he said 'get that money sorted now bitch'! Like wtf it wasn't my debt I was paying! That was my realisation i had to go. So whilst he was living it up eith these psychopaths i was out trying to borrow money and failing miserably. I had no identification in me or at his house to go to the bank when it opened. I hadn't spoken to my folks in a long, long time and I braved ringing them and telling them what happened. I couldn't get into the house until after they were back from work so couldn't get the money. My da borrowed it to me and took me to pay it, so I had bsck-up. I slammed cash down and said some rather unsavoury stuff told them I had back-up and would scream if they tried ought n my da would be through the door followed by the police. That's how I got away, and never looked back! The guy did harrass me for a long time always turning up at my folks with car full of characters you didn't want to meet up a dark alley , he kept demanding money. I put up with it for a bit but I'm the end said jog on I'm not working to keep you we aren't even together.

    But it's so not easy to leave, people don't understand how hard it is. They just think 'ehy would you put up with thst', erm because I felt there was no other option. It drives me mad how folk don't understand unless they've been there. I kind of get it, I may think that way if it hadn't happened to me.

    But it comes down to I've had my fair share of overcoming performance issues too because the past defined me! 💟xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Slinky, You says that I have to find a way not to let the guy who hurt me get into my head but he's not geting into my head, it's just subconscious I think, and it's not about him, it's just about how he made me feel and the impact he had. I don't think about him but I think about how sex has always been for me, and etc. And that's hard to to think about because it's just invading. Also, I don't want to burry my demons, I want to let them go, I think it's healthier and otherwise I'd just always have to deal with these issues.

    About penetrative sex. I've not been using realistic dildos but I've thought about it in the past. I was looking for a realistic toy so I could get more familiar with a penis giving me pleasure and then it would make it easier with a partner. I was looking for this one: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32692 . I'm still planning to get it. I've been thinking about this one too: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31474 as it has similar mesurements as my OH's so I was thinking it would be helpful for that, but I was thinking maybe a smaller toy would be better to begin with. I am keeping this one on my list for an upgrade after I've bought the smaller one. For now I only use non phalic dildos, si it's harder to replicate the same with my bf, but we still try to do what we know feels good to me. The problem is I'm way less sensitive when it comes to intercurse, unless I've been craving it (which rarely happens) so it never feels the same.

    I've had fear block me before, but it doesn't anymore. What stops me from acheieving an orgasm by penetration with a partner often is the realisation of what we're doing and the though "there's no mean in doing that if I,m not going to come from it" and then I just stop enjoying it (I block). We though about finding a way to have me orgasm anyways by penetration, for example using a clit vibe or something like that but it's never enough, I just can't seem to get over the edge (Maybe we're thinking too much about performance). The idea behind that is that I can then start to associate penetration with orgasm and it then becomes easier and easier to orgasm by penetration, even without clit stim.

    I've tried orgasm gels and balm and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't always last the same amount of time either. In general, when used with penetration, I find the product tends to leak and to get mixed with lube and it has it's cooling sensation in my vagina, which I hate (every cooling thing in my vagina reminds me of the pain sensation I've been experimenting for so long). And I agree the Doxy will help! Especially for solo sessions (even if I'm afraid I may come too fast with it). For sex though I'm not sure because my partner will be able too feel the vibrations too and even if he ways it doesn't find it pleasuring it makes him cum quicker. Also, the best position to do this (and keeping the wand as far from him as possible) would be me on top but I don't like this position as I find it hurts because his penis is too long. Spooning could work though and I like this one a lot. We will definitely try it.

    I agree with every thing you said about bad things happening to good people, and blaming ourselves, and not telling people, etc. I think yes it happens to good people but there's also a part of it making these people who they are now. We all wouldn't be the same persons if it never would've happened to us, and maybe we wouldn't be that nice, who knows. It definitely makes a person stronger (even if I feel weak myself), and more aware of certain issues, more willing to help others with theirs, etc.

    We are both in our early 20's so we're very young but I find we both are very mature (as individuals as well as as a couple). It's really cute because to a lot of my friends, we're the ideal couple, they always say things like we're their goal couple, or "when I find my [my OH's name]..." etc, which is really cute. When I doubt about us and talk to them about it, they always go "wtf are you saying? have you been crazy? what is going on? that guy's perfect for you you are so happy together, take a step back and look". I must admit that I felt your doubt about our relationship when I mentioned it on here but I though "well that's only because she doesn't know us, and in that situation I would've said similar things". It still made me cry as it had me imagining us broken up though. Now we'll keep being an amazing couple like we've always been, and our model is you two haha. One day we'll be like you, "inébranlable" (couldn't find a better word).

    Your so strong. Being able to get away from your abuser is something really difficult to do, something I couldn't even do myself (I've been on the edge of breaking up with up so many times but he's always manipulated me into staying, untill he was the one to break up with me. I've only had the currage to stay away after that when he regreted and wanted us back together). I can assure you some people do understand how hard it is (and how/what it is being in that kind of relationship) even if they didn't live it themselves. By friend has worked with people who've been through that (are still are) and she understand it better than I do, she's the one who's had me realise that I've been a victim of this too, she was seeing it before I even did. People can understand, I think they only need to speak with people who lived it so they can understand better. That's why it's important to speak up, to break the stigma etc. I think it's even more impotant for men, as it is viewes as impossible for men to be a victim of physical abuse, rape, abusing relationships, etc. Bravo alicia for this.

    And of course, I agree with everything said about Alicia. She's an amazing woman as well and always there to help others, even when she's feeling down too. sh's lovely and has so much great qualities, I've learned so much from her and she's been there for me no matter what.

    What I understand from Alicia story is that she was male when she's been abuse buy her 1-2 firsts women, and then that what brought her to question herself and become more and more on the feminine side to finally accept herself as the woman she is (I think it's the case because it's been like that for me, but maybe it's different). Correct me if I'm wrong alicia, I think we would need your intervention ont his one.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I think when Slinky says bury your demons she doesn't mean push them down inside your head, she means to give them a burrial. As in take them out, dig a deep hole, throw them in, set fire to them, and cover over the ashes with six foot of cold earth, and don't mark the grave.

    About penetative sex, you may need to try more than one way for this, see what works best for you. You feel like trying a realistic dildo, thats one way. But you may be associating the whole "man" not just his penis. Then theres the feeling you have that the man is taking all the pleasure. On this note have you thought about either letting you bf use the toy on you ( not sure what you have tried so far) or getting a unisex strapon so you get the feel of him, as in his body; but know that he is not getting any direct pleasure from it. And you can choose the size, so you haven't got that to think about, and could be more varied with positions. Also you can use the doxy at the same time, and he's obviously not going to cum, so you can go at what ever pace and duration you like, or need.

    Also have you tried getting your bf off first by other means, like a bj, or between your breasts, thighs, or buttocks, so that he lasts longer the next time, as in 5 minutes later when he can get hard again, if him not lasting long enough is an issue. Have you tried external sex, where he uses his penis to stimulate your clit, or you on top doing same. Cow girl, could work if you lean forward, and rub yourself backwards and forwards to rub your clit against him, rather than sit full on top, that way you can sit forwards a little and so not get him hitting your cervix. Or reverse cow girl, if you lay back on to his chest, and he brings his knees up, then you limit his depth and get to use the doxy fully away from him.

    I feel that you will do best in dominant sexual postions, and from using as many different ones as you can, or you may get stuck with only one possition that works, or miss the one that really does it for you, there are a few to go through. Including ones that you can use for external clitoral stimulation, like getting him to lay on his side, and you can go up his thigh, inside and outside, up on to his hip, his waist, even onto his ribs; that rib one gets my fancy, sort of alternately soft and hard.

    Also I have mentioned before, about you trying to not consern yourself with not feeling much, and just keep choosing to have sex, for the other pleasures of intamacy, (and my favourite saying "for now"). So that your mind can get used to you having sex, with someone you feel safe with, and feel love with. Eventually you should start associate penetration with a man as being something good, and so your mind will let you feel it again. You know you are blocking the physical sensations from your mind, because of how you built a shield to protect your mind in the past, but your subconcious has to learn by association, not because you tell it to; and this takes time. This is going to be my future issue, I know it is.

    If I'm truly honest with myself, then my femine nature, goes back beyond my first relationship, in my 20's. Even in that first relationship, I could often find myself struggling to reach a climax, even before she became abusive, and brought her girl friends home to use me. Sex to me was about being penetrated, but i feel if I had been born female things would have been different for me. ( I can't say any more on here) And it was her who threw me out of her house because she said I was too femmine for her tastes. I would have sayed as long as she wanted me to.

    I have always prefered to sew, do embroidery, crochet, cook and bake, with my grandma, and great grandma. My parents both thought that a man should be a "man" and mum often used to say she hated me who were "too nice" and not manly, which left me feeling wrong and hating myself.

    I saw how men were with women, and didn't want to be like those men. more and more I wanted to be female, felt female. But ended up being liked by neither. I hid my bi-sexuallity, until I was in my late 40's. A therapist said I wasn't trans gender because I didn't dress as a woman, my mother refused to talk to me about my bi-sexuallity, I never got to show her Alicia, she would have dragged me off to get me "mended", thats how she saw my sexuallity, as an ilnness. So dressing as female even at home was impossible. I just ended up seeing myself as a freak, not even the medical profession wanted to know. Only on here can I be the real me, the woman Alicia.

    Now I live alone I can be Alicia, I leave my bra, and panties, laying on the bedroom floor, along with a couple pairs of diamanti studded heels, and stockings, to remind me, I can be me, I am Alicia. I think i was born this way, I have always been made to feel I had to be male, I have tried to be male, but I just feel so wrong that way.

    My second relationship. She met Alicia, infact she was the first, but she rejected her, after saying she was ok with her. And set about trying to make her male again, so she could use me for nothing but, giving her oral and manual sex, we never went out of the door as a couple, except to have her parade me infront of her mates and family. She cancelled every date I planned, to go drinking with girl friends, some of her mates took their partners, but I wasn't allowed to go.

    It's being accepted on here as female, and LH changing my avi, name, and profile gender, that has been the final piece in accepting myself as female. As it felt impossible when no one accepted me. I needed at least some women to accept me, as one of there own, now I have that, and some of the guys on here too.

    I'm growing my hair too, for all to see.

    I hope that goes some way to answering your question at the bottom of your last post Mamz.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I like the image of the burial haha it's so detailed. Maybe you both are right. I feel I am in the process. My past relationships are burried, they even had a ceremony, but there are some feelings that are remaining that would need to be burried too.

    You're right about the difference between using a dildo and having sex with a man, saying that with a man there's the pleasure gap thing. We have already tried him using a dildo on my but it feels just like when we have sex, boring and I feel nothing. Maybe I just block when a man is involved, maybe I feel that then I have to feel pleasure with stops me from having some, maybe I'm just not turned on enough by the idea of sex with him.. (I should stop watching porn but I can't fantasize about things being done to me because of a mind block so I have nothing else tot urn me on). The though of having him use a strap on on me has crossed my mind a few times, but it's the kinf of proposition where he answers things like "hu yeah if that's what you want" or "or if that's what you need" or " Yeah we could try if you think it can help" etc, without any enthousiasm. I know from him it means litterally that, but I feel that if he's not enthousiastic about something it's not something that he really wants and I am not confortable pushing the idea further.

    Him cuming too fast has never been an issue, except when I first posted on this thread when we where too much concerned about this performance thing. He would stress out thinking that he wouldn't be able to please me so that would make him cum too fast and that would have him even more stressed etc. But it resolved itself as quickly as it appeared. Besides that, I first was impressed buy how long he could last (it surely is different when the guy does not only care about his own orgasm..). He sometimes cums a bit quicker than usual, for exemple when it's been a while since we last had sex or when I am using a vibrator and he feels the vibrations. That's the only reason why I am concerned the doxy might not help when we are together, especially with this kind of power. I would get him off first but after he's came he's just not interested into sex, and even though he is still willing to please me, he does not desire it so it always ends to nothing because he's not putting his heart at it he's only wanting to get the job done, which turns me off.

    And you are wrong for this one: I am not best in dominant positions! In fact I feel awkward in such positions and don't find it does almost nothing for me. I like being on top when we both are seated and facing each other, but that's pretty much the only one. I don't like cowgirsl as it hurt, so I tend to do what you advised me to do (and even that doesn't feel as good as other positions) but he always seem to want me to "sit right" as he feels I am missing on great sensations (it's a what I feel but pff). My faves are missionary as it hits good spots, my clit can rub against his pubis, he is in control and good at it, and he can hug me at the same time (i like positions where we are close). I also like spooning as the angle feels great and again we can me close, and he as an easy acess to my neck which is an erogenous zone for me. I also like laying on my front when he almost lays on top of me, with this one, I like the feeling of being dominated without being used. I like the feeling that he is way larger than me and that he feels strong, while huging me. I am not a fan of doggy as I feel it often hurts (you where right for this one) but I was absolutely discussed by the idea of being taken doggy before meeting him and he was the first with whom I tried it because he said to me that it's not different than any other position if there is love implied (I told him about the fear of feeling used).

    I didn't know that you've always been like that! I remember you telling me some things about it but I didn't make the connections. And people who were around you diserve a punch in the face in my opinion. Sorry for talking like that about your familly but I get so angry at people like that, I just can,t understand how they can be so dumb and heartless.

    It is so sad that you hid all this, even from yourself (maybe not hiding it but keeping it deep inside). It's so sad that you came to the point of transfering those unaccepting opinions to yourself, that you were seeing yourself in their eyes (I feel maybe yous till tend to do this and that's why you get so easily affected by other's comments).

    I think it's a great thing that you are on your own for a while. I know it is depressing to you but think about it. It now the moment to familiarise yourself with that wonderful person who is Alicia. You can finally be her, you can be her when you are alone with yourself, just you and her, alone. It's time you learn to love her ( I know you already do, way more than when you where hiding her, and that's awesome, but you don,t love her as much as she diserves to be loved). When you finally feel good with yourelf, you'll have no problem going out dressed as who you really are. You'll then meet some people, you'll start a new life, and you will finally be happy, and live the life you should've been living since so many years already. It's happening right now. You've been hiding your bisexuality untill your fourthies, and your transexuality untill your fifties, that's so sad, but the great thing is that that time is over and now you can live your life as you've always intended too!.

    I'm so looking forward to seeing your long hair! And imagine if we could go shopping together, omg that'd be awesome. I'd love to go shopping with you, trying on cute dresses and telling you which fits you the best :O Please do something for me, you have to find that friend in real life and do that with her. You'll love it I'm sure! (or we could online shop hehehe)

    THank you so much for those info. I am really glad you did open on that and that answers my question more than well! It even answers my other questions about your sexuality and identity! that's so great and clear! And sorry for thinking you were male before. I'm also sorry for I must admit that I thought of you as male also on here before you came out as alicia (because you did refer to yourself as male also so I just thought that was who you where, with all the little twists of course)

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Arrrhhh the internet is telling me againt hat a woman cannot feel pleasure from her vagina. I'm at it again, crap! That thing's getting annoying. I want to feel as much pleasure as a man does from penetration god damn

    1467882253
    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not going to post big right now, there's sooo much I want to say but I've not got the time right now. I want to apologise for misunderstanding it's not the guy it's the impact it had on you as a person (feelings, in the mind etc.) Personally I associated these worries with the guy so that's why I couldn't read between the lines. I'm glad you've buttied him. And yes I love Alecias definition of the burrial 😂😂 that's exactly how I meant it. No point in hiding them deep inside, put them in a mental box and set a match to them.

    I've no time and am already getting carried away. Mamz, stop looking on the net it isn't helping. You told me yesterday "the worst thing you can do is look for symptoms online", and you are right. Stop seeking information from unreliable sources. You know you can orgasm from penetration with a partner as it's happened a few times already. Please listen on this one, you're searching and getting more angry with the answers you find when feel down you know the answer (that you can orgasm, as it's happened previously. ) Love those dildos especially the vibrant colour of the first one it's stunning (not just because it's smaller.) They both are really highly rated I was reading the reviews.

    Alecia - it angers me how you weren't allowed to be yourself. I think that you grew up in a timeframe that was bad for society not understanding, thinking that you're going through a phase, trying to fix you etc etc. it's annoyingly frustrating how the folk you loved and turned to practically turned their back on you and prevented you from being the beautiful last you are.

    The important thing is ; you're Alecia now, you can totally be yourself. My husband says this to me alot "why do you care what others think") and it's true I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed what folk think of me. I wonder if your simular? If so, bury it. Get filled up to the max, and strut yourself down the street proud of who you are, as you should be. People who make unnecessary judgements don't understand or understand too well I've also found,) so they act ridiculously which is their problem not yours. I'm not saying get dolled up immediately and do it, obviously when you feel better about doing so.

    Thats lovely suggestion of online shopping together by mamz, you should totally do that together, I've images of you messaging "would my bum look big in this" sending your measurements and so forth. Puts a smile on my face you'd both have a great time 😊

    I've wrote so much more than I expected to, I didn't think I had the brain power or time!


    Anyways I'll check back in later and give some of my other thoughts, as I'm worried of coming across right because of the stress going through my brain for today. Hubby doesn't think he'll be able to, well you know! I don't think I could either! He's letting it rule him and we only have an hour (I know it's a decent amount of time, but not when you're on a timer to do it for a pressurized reason. It isn't his fault and we will but a text online if that's the case, you can't just give someone a container and expect them to produce in an hour. Infact I'm going to ring the lovely ladh and see if there is a way around it as it seems too pressurized. She's really lovely and if there's a way I'm sure she'll help.

    Anyways I'll be back later 💟xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You are right about me online. I can orgasm sometimes abs that means something

    You also are right about alicia. You said it eay better than i did. I sounded hash whereas you sounded comprehensive. I agree with you again

    Slinky It's hard for you I know, but try not to stress. It wull be done in no time and after that you'll feel better.

    Alicia, you were in my dream and you were so beautiful and a wonderful person. My though where "I knew she was not bad looking like she says she is". You were there for my birthday (even though it's nowhere near my bd in real life) and it was so kind of you to be there, and I think that at one point we went shopping haha and uou seemed so happy

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